The Future is Changing

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Raskolnikov, Aug 22, 2018.

  1. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    It is interesting that word 'powerless', I did relate with it, but I believe I dealt with it in a very Gandhi-like way, non-violent resistance. Strangely Gilga, it played out much smoothly and favourably than I could ever have imagined. I believe it is a case of energy redirection and I'm slowly gathering good vibrations as the fog lifts.

    You've been using psychocybernetics brilliantly, it makes so much sense what you write. We've seen how its just our fantasies (aka imagination) that makes porn alluring and an inevitability. If we redirect that same intensity and energy, we can make good situations an inevitability. You're doing great Gilga. Frankly, I can not wait to see your reports.
  2. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    Day 45 was super weird, I kid you not I felt like more fog was lifting on that single day, than all the previous days combined.

    I believe hypnosis is working for me, I've been role-playing and memorising lines, what professional actors would call 'getting into character'. I'm quite the amateur, though I am starting to like the art. So yes, I've been watching clips of a character that I'm modelling myself on. I'm noticing his voice intonation, facial expressions, posture, and calm self-assurance. These are qualities that took me longer in the journey to find but this does feel like I'm short-circuiting it.

    I spoke with my Brother yesterday and he thought I was shouting. I really was just speaking in a fuller tone. I noticed my tone, how it oozed with vibrance unlike days previous. I even think I'm having a kind of Jazz singers voice which as you can imagine I'm enjoying. At least I'm getting it without chainsmoking.

    The story remains the same, quitting porn is the single best decision I'll ever make. Not only will it redeem past mistakes, it may potentially make one such a success, that the past becomes a triviality.

    Put on your best game face, and start playing.
    Living and cjm like this.
  3. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Powerful work, Raskolnikov! Thank you for sharing.
    Raskolnikov likes this.
  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    I think it's really interesting what you are doing here with these experiments. Really curious about the hypnosis especially!

    On a different matter: since I have already been hijacking your journal with my ramblings about food, let's continue with tea. Green tea:) I have been a great fan of green tea for many years. Not sure where this is coming from. Perhaps I have a fascination with certain aspects of Chinese and Japanese cultures. For example I have been interested in Chinese philosophies (like Daoism) and tai chi since my early teens. It really appeals me. For some reason green tea has that same effect on me.

    Friends like to make fun of me for taking tea so serious. I'm not sure if I really take it serious, but I do take my time to make a good cup of tea and well, I do make a fuzz about green tea's and water temperatures. I also rinse my perhaps I do take it a bit serious:) Anyway, I really really love a good cup of green tea. My favorite type is gyokuro. It has this really grassy smell and taste and if you steep it the right way it has this fresh green colour: it's defenitly one of the most beautiful tea's I know of. You steep it at an even lower temperature than normal sencha for example and you can pretty much drink it straight away. If you haven't tried it yet, try to get your hands on some, because although it's a bit more expensive it's just plain lovely.
    Raskolnikov likes this.
  5. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    My pleasure Guy :)
  6. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    Lol dude, I liked the opening of your second paragraph. You may hijack, but no political ads please :p but you are welcome any time to expand on Chinese and Japanese philosophies. We can start some Socratic dialogues here.

    Sometimes I wonder how do you know all of this? Your expansive knowledge of food (and drink) makes me feel as though my taste buds are boring. Also green tea I only knew about this year, thanks to a Uni experiment I was invited to join. All of us experiment volunteers absolutely loved it. Do you still have coffee or normal tea? I've personally given those up. Though I had an infatuation with coffee, it gives me the jitters and in my own very personal case it feels too wired in my brain to pmo. I say that because I used coffee to give me alertness and a functional personality right after a pmo.

    Drinking green tea I believe taught me moderation. Also that coffee has far too much caffeine, and I am saying that as someone who had a high tolerance. I feel that coffee, alike alcohol is marketed as a pleasureable experience in that typical comercialised starbucks coffee way. GT showed me that I can have a moderate amount of caffeine, that less is really more: better mood, clearer head, better and deeper sleep.

    About Gyokuro GT, is it available in supermarkets or do you order it online?

    As always Living, your lively commentary could raise the dead ;)
    Living likes this.
  7. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    The Day of the 2 WDs

    You read right, today at 46 days in I not only had my first WD on this current journey but my first 2 in 1 day since when I was 20.

    Trigger Alert

    The first WD was memorable, sexual but not pornographic. I was not a voyeur but the lead actor. That in my book is a development, telling me that porn is becoming more and more unwired in my brain. Also the woman in the WD I did not get physical with her, I recognised who she was though. I just recall touching her body all over and getting so turned on just by that I had a bonfire display in my trousers. Second WD happened after I changed outfits and went to bed again. I have no recollection of it. (End Trigger)

    I would say I am feeling better mentally. In my interactions yesterday I was smooth as a fish, darting and weaving through water. I really like that I had a WD, I felt sensitivity throughout my body after it. I felt quite horny but not in the needy, chaser effect way that I got from pmo. I very much liked that I was not watching someone else. I pay tribute to the no fantasy approach, I'm not trying to avoid sex or demonise it as I believe it was throughout my childhood. I just have a preference for what's real, and have limited my imagination in that scope.

    Tbh porn is so highly unnatural. I believe so morally, but beyond that just that it has zero nutritional, mental, physical/physiological or spiritual value. All it will do is deplete and impoverish all those dimensions of the human experience. I very much question the so-called 'sexual revolution', it has in my view stifled and strangled sexuality. Physical intimacy is one of those blessings that is the sanctity of humans, whereby we can have a real appreciation for it. The way it is today is rather brutish, even the words used are telling 'smashed', 'banged' and 'owned'.

    How do I see sex now in relation to the 60s ideal? Well the sexual revolution is one of those big theories like communism, conservatism or feminism that seeks to explain a worldview. That alone makes me suspicious and feel as though from the get-go that it was a movement intended and engineered to seize the minds of individuals by compartmentalising them into a group. In the 60s they were teens and twenty-somethings heading that movement, no surprise as Mcdonalds/Burger King might operate according to a principle that if you get them in early, you can have lifetime customers.

    Not only that but sexual liberationn but has it liberated? Not if you're asking single Mothers, and children of lone parent families. Not if we consider growth of unwanted pregnancies and a ballooning world population in the less economically developed nations.

    Here in the Wild Wild West, rather ironically people have less relationship satisfaction, higher divorce rates, highest rates of mental illness and most paradoxically (or not) less not more sex.

    Today I have awakened to the view that sex is exactly as art, it might well have been better for us all if it were a blank canvas and we draw and paint and refine it, however we wish, as collaborators in a masterpiece. Porn should never be sex ed or an induction into it. I believe porn has cheapened sex and misguided generations from the very thing they really desire, intimacy and happiness much like junk food does not make for a good diet. Our sexuality truly is sacred, I do not necessarily mean in a religious context, but as our own possession not something that induces guilt. Porn, especially to men is like romance novels to women, steeped in fiction, unaccommodating to natural awkwardness and individual spontaneity.

    Keep firm on the no porn front, you're really giving up nothing, for so many things. Do the math. Reclaim your sexual palette and paint however you wish.
    100DaysMission likes this.
  8. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    I did feel a little chaser after yesterdays WD's. I have not felt the temptation to load up a tube site. I did make a conscious decision to sleep on my side today as opposed to my back. I am trying to avoid another WD for a while. A WD is certainly a positive sign, but the diminishing energy and waning blues I felt that day were horrid by the days end. I felt a strong mood swing so I measured my words a lot.

    Though I felt a chaser, it was not at all for porn or an O, just a nagging feeling to lull myself by any means, like a baby that wants a distraction, his rattle. It may be wise to put into perspective that I quit caffeine since around Monday and it has induced tiredness, digestive issues and some irritability. I hope it can all subside soon, I had seen so much progress the 2 days prior particularly with brain fog but I'm holding out for further improvements.
  9. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thank you:) Actually I don't have the best developed taste buds either. My girlfriend for example is really good at districating flavours from beers and wines, but I hardly ever get beyond 'a bit of citrus with a hint of chocolate or caramel'. But I do like to learn things. And I can get pretty enthousiastic about that. In the end it's mainly about paying attention to what you do.

    I have had three or four cups of coffee in my life. It was never my thing. I like some stuff with a coffee taste like some desserts or beers, but real coffee just isn't my thing. And seeing how some people become dependent on coffee to function it doesn't appeal to me either. Tea is a different thing. I drink a lot of tea. Except for the occasional beer and wine on the weekend I pretty much stick to water and tea. I hardly ever drink black tea's, but mainly green tea's or herbal tea's. I guess I like a bit of subtlety...or (to make a lame joke) subtle tea.

    I buy my gyokuro in a tea shop. I've never seen any in a supermarket and tea shops often have way better quality stuff than supermarkets anyway. If you have teashop nearby: please go there. I remember my first time. It was this small local tea shop owned by some old guy that really loved his tea's. He made me smell almost every tea in the shop. That was plain awesome. The smelling of tea's is one of the best things of tea shops. It's just so much more of an experience than when you buy stuff from the supermarket. If you don't have a tea shop nearby you can order it online.
    Raskolnikov likes this.
  10. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    Lol that joke was actually quite funny if not ironic. You have anything but a subtle love of tea.

    The part you mention of coffee as a way of functioning is like story of my life dude. I've had it maybe 6 times this year, safe to say I'm just not into it the way I used to be.

    I have to say man, one of the things I really like about you is the enthusiasm you carry. You somehow make drinking tea sound as exotic as like a holiday abroad. Never change man.

    In the event that I do not find a nearby tea shop, what site and brandbof gyokuro do you recommend? I still am currently on a short abstinence from caffeine, but what is life without its luxuries?
  11. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    I am still recovering from the 2 WDs but I see no use in complaining. If we are doing everything humanly possible to here, to feel sad over this is no different to having a guilty conscience. My resolve remains intact, and my worst days in recovery are far better than my best when using. Fact!

    I am going to be out of here these next few days, with such a busy schedule these next 2 weeks, so sadly I'll miss a decent amount of progress that a lot of you here will make. I've gained so much perspective and insight from reading here, it is unreal. I'd never have heard of cyberkinetics if not for Gilga's link to Johnnys thread. Even Living's awesome food recommendations are a revelation. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

    I believe its important to have great role models and great friends. A lot of times the 2 intertwine. I still rank Lte's journal by far my favourite on this site. Without imagination, the promised land cannot be reached.

    Keep winning the days.
    100DaysMission likes this.
  12. 100DaysMission

    100DaysMission Active Member

    Hope things go well for you my friend! All the best and looking forward to hearing what occurs.
  13. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    @100DaysMission: thanks man for the uplifting words.

    I arrived at my student home and really connected with the majority of my roommates. The guys are chilled. The girls do seem quite cliquey. I have had kind words from them, but was deeply saddened to hear them speak of one roommate as though he were a personal hindrance to them. He is a flatmate that is introverted but honestly kind. I must be of the only 2 guys who bonded with him. In my case, I saw he loved philosophy which is awesome because I have a similar taste. I got disappointed when I heard the two girls speak ill of him, their current body language seemed to me one of masked sincerity. I never make assumptions, but I have seen this type before. The adage 'those who gossip with you, will gossip about you' springs to mind. I do not like their energy but above all I value harmony. Also the introverted fella I was sure to invite him out into the hall where we had a large party going on. Though he did have his own company in his room he obliged my request. I believe these girls really have him down wrong, I've always felt sometimes introversion is a sign of high genious and I would describe him as such. He's young, but very temperate for his years. Concurrently he really isnt so introverted as he had good company with him in the room. I felt personally honoured that he accepted my offer. I have related to my roommates to be patient with him as I feel he may well be homesick. Even still, he like us all should be totally free to be as privy as he deems fit. When I return I'm definitely going to take his number.

    I'm currently heading home to attend a family event. I do feel uni has so far been a very positive experience. At one of the events at my faculty there was a group event, I put myself forward as scribe to write everyones ideas concerning a topic. They seemed to feed off my energy, I asked questions, sometimes as devils advocate, to make our talk more engaging but more so to know why people think as they do. They all proved themselves smart and cogent in their reasoning, I was also able to share a lot of laughter with them. They wanted me to present the work. I opted instead to consult them that it was better if someone else do it, because after all it was a very group effort.

    My student flat has become quite famous as the party joint, which makes meeting people quite easy. I dont think I've seen stadiums as packed out as our bloc. I am enjoying my independence, but I cant help at times feel like I've outgrown the party phase. Though people treat me all the same, in my mind I am very aware that I am 24 years old. Not in any negative sense, I just believe my thinking has changed so greatly from when I was their age. I just want to live a little more humbly and act more in accordance with what age has taught me. I want to succeed at Uni more than to party like its '99. I really want to contribute to an atmosphere where we can all grow, where we can aid one another. I feel a profound sense of grief for what my generation and those of the 2000s has suffered, uni with tuition so high has become something risky and 'elite'. I have been blessed to afford it, part of my past resistence was due in a large part to how I felt like a consumer than a student.

    I hope they succeed and I want to be able to uplift my peers and help them navigate any difficulty.

    Need to switch train stations, so until next time everyone.
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018 at 4:56 PM
    100DaysMission likes this.
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    From what you have written, you sound like a strong leader. When people see that strength, they'll be drawn to you and I have no doubt that your peers will be lifted. Your kind heart (demonstrated to me in how you react to me and guide me despite our age difference, indicates that you won't only be leading your peers.) Have a powerful year!
    100DaysMission likes this.
  15. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    I'd venture to say that you understand young people far more than I, given your professional climate. Many thanks for your inspiring words Guy.
  16. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Active Member

    Yesterday 3 consecutive trains towards the South of England were not only severely delayed but all 3 that I boarded, never even departed from the station. Instead all passengers were defenestrated from each train then we even had to move platforms 3 times too. It was a day of many firsts indeed. The reason we were told is that a signal box at an important station caught flames and was being evacuated meaning communications would be difficult if not deadly for trains.

    Overall I was delayed nearly 3 hours, and I thought I might not make it in time to attend a graduation. I took a mid-night train home and by a complete miracle was delivered back to my city.

    Home sweet home dudes. I enjoyed a graduation I attended here and it was incredible. I could not help notice that women kept playing with their hair, staring and some actually turned to check me out. This happened to me on campus too oddly enough but today it seemed almost blatant, verging on leering. Ironically, they were probably mirroring me in my porn-induced funk when sizing up women was a second-hand porn experience.

    Thing is I dont even feel quite near 100% socially, I was better before the WD. I believe the increasing numbers on my contact list will help me refine my social technique before my lagging mind catches up. Consistency always wins the day. Admittedly I have not done hypnosis for over 3 days now, as I have been travelling to and fro for a while and once was without a phone charger. I am going to revisit this for sure. I cannot let myself get off the rails, nothing more distasteful for me now than stepping off the pedal.

    I do find myself reflecting, the female form is beautiful. I believe in my case maturity is still needed. I was never in recovery for a lady, that is not an attack on anyone, if I'm being honest I definitely did do it for women when I was between 19-23 y/o. Tbh, did it sort anything? Surely not. I've had a crooked view of intimacy for over a decade or so, 17 years if I recall that I first saw porn at 7 y/o. I'll explore that on another post. For me my view of intimacy will not change in 3 months, I doubt even in 3×4 months. When it changes, I'll want a woman as oppose to women. I am not doing this to oppress myself, or become an ascetic. I just notice how the quick sex porn mentality for men and the romantic films and erotic novels for women has antagonised genders whose relations need to improve. Obviously I'm offering an over-simplification, there are other factors such as media, gender roles, globalisation, movements etc.

    I see people who lick the toes of women, particularly if you consult online reddit. Thats a good reason why I felt good here, a more Socratic method of debate operates here.

    'Thats me in the corner, me in the spotlight' as the song goes. So I am really talking of myself here, I was that guy who objectified, I was the man that put my penis above my head and became the proverbial 'd***head'. My minutest decisions I now clearly see, were motivated by lust and that's such a tragedy when you think of it. This journey for me is one of redemption.

    How have I changed:

    1. I have opportunity to make more friends in one week than I have in 7 years. Thats not a slight on me, just that I am changed.

    2. Student again.

    3. Relationships: improving, more emotional intelligence, though Im still far from complete here.

    4. Self-forgiving and confident: I leave for you to imagine possible parallels.

    What I notice is a hope to sacrifice who I was for what I may become. I'm on the right path, I need to enjoy feeling it all, in every shade of negative and positive.

    Another day goes by.
  17. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    "I am not doing this to oppress myself, or become an ascetic. I just notice how the quick sex porn mentality for men and the romantic films and erotic novels for women has antagonised genders whose relations need to improve. Obviously I'm offering an over-simplification, there are other factors such as media, gender roles, globalisation, movements etc. "

    THIS is a fascinating observation! I'll be back tomorrow to discuss it as I'm short on time this AM!

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