The Fourth Diary of Antinoüs - day 0

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Antinoüs, Jun 3, 2012.

  1. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    So I kind of lapsed. I looked briefly at porn, called again the phone hotline.. but then I removed the number from my phone. I tried calling again, thinking I remembered the number, but I didn't. I tried to google it but couldn't find it. I went to youtube and xtube and looked at a short vid. It didn't elicit a strong response in my cock which made me realized how I needed to touch myself to feel aroused. I didn't touch myself. I decided to leave it as it was. Overall, I am not sure where I stand now. I might have relapsed entirely but I don't feel that I completely did. The road ahead is going to be long, for sure and I have made it longer, but it also made me realize how I didn't really want any of this. The next step should be to delete all these accounts. I have started doing so but it's a daunting task. I need to think about it a little more. What should I erase first? That sort of things. I have destroyed some porn content and access to it today. So not a total loss. And it was some mellow porn that I watched - something that will arouse me still when all is said and done (by that I mean in a real situation, not a virtual one). So I will give myself a little pat on the head. I could have done a lot better sure, but probably a lot worse too.
     
  2. gardenman

    gardenman New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    If you didn't touch yourself I wouldn't get too worked up over it. In a way you might have strengthened your recovery in that you were able to stop before you did a complete PMO.

    When you go to delete accounts, turn off images on your browser. And go to a public place like a coffee shop if you can. That way you wont be able to relapse on the spot lol.

    You really need to lock your stuff down. K-9 with an automatic lockout after a few attempts is a good option. Add all the keywords you can think of that might pertain to things you enjoy into the blocklist. Add the ability to block pages without a password and put the bookmarklet on your toolbar so you have an easy way to block sites you determine are bad. I blocked all time waster sites as well, because they don't add anything to my life either and could only lead to bad results.
     
  3. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Day 11 ? : I relapsed again but didn't masturbate or orgasmed by myself. I didn't look at porn either. Just loaded vids which I didn't look at it. I've changed the password on one of the websites I used to go by slapping my keyboard, so it's unlikely I will find it by myself now. I think it's a great idea to turn off the pictures and look at it in a public place. I think my resolve has strengthened somehow because I have been disappointed by my relapse. I thought it would be stronger than that, and actually it was very mellow. I suppose it might be something.
    Yesterday I had sex again but it wasn't a strong erection, I am definitely not there yet, and I have not been able to destroy my addictions yet. I've thrown away all my messages on my porn account (roughly 7 years worth of emails which felt good). I need to erase more. I think it will help me in the long run.
     
  4. gardenman

    gardenman New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Deleting everything is a very important step to recovery. I wouldn't consider sex with another person to be relapsing. Deleting things can definitely be a rough time and stir up lots of memories etc. So maybe having sex on the same day might not be the path of a 'perfect' recovery but I think its more important to be making progress and just stay positive.

    I changed the email addresses on most of my accounts to throwaway emails that passwords were created by slapping on the keys. So they are now gone, and no way to recover them..
     
  5. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    hiya Antin,
    Good job on trying to get rid of that shit on your computer.
    It's just pixels. The rest is delusion. It's not real!
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  6. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    I got rid of more stuff, but in doing so, I also relapsed.
    I will start from scratch but I don't think my first days were for nothing. I got rid of a lot of stuff, had sex several times and it was satisfactory, realized how much time I had wasted and thus understood what it meant for me to stop everything. I am going this time to remove completely all temptations. I tried closing accounts today (some did not work...) but I changed passwords on most too.

    Day 0: cleaning up. Let's get on with it now.

    OK, I totally relapsed. I am alone for the weekend and it was impossible to resist the temptation. I need to find a solution for two main issues

    - I need to block a phone number. I thought I would forget it, but I was able to find a way to get back to it. I don't want to be able to call it anymore. I don't think there is a way around this. I need to use my force of will.
    - I need to prevent access from the IM softwares. They are the most damaging. The porn sites are actually not what I used even though I accessed them. I changed the password, but I was able to retrieve it. I need to find a more drastic way. Something that will completely prevent me from using the IM software. I don't feel like canceling my account but I see no other way for now.

    I tried dressing up nice today so that I would not jack off (jacking off usually involves me stripping, which is less easy if I am dressed up nice). Sadly, I got some sauce splattered on me at dinner. This is stupid, but I had to remove my shirt... and it triggered it.

    I don't want to be desperate over this. I now have a better understanding of my triggers and I know what I should do to avoid them completely.
     
  7. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Day 1 : I woke up and asked myself if I wanted to look at porn (or in my case, indulge in porn fantasy chats). The answer was a resounding "no" which surprised me since only yesterday I was back to my old tricks. I suppose I wasn't as back as I thought then. It felt different, it's true. Maybe this wasn't for naught then?

    In any case, I've decided to escape arousal in the meantime. I wasn't able to deal with the combination of sex, being bored and being alone at home. This was triggered the relapse. I wasn't really sure on what the chaser effect was... well, I've just experienced it. Damn. I just need... (easier said than done) to remove this parameters and hopefully... today, I will dress up nicely and I will take on this habit so that I can avoid the triggers. I have also been more productive today, in part because of the no porn desire. It's the second take, it'll be better than the first, I can tell it!
     
  8. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 3...

    Day 2 : things are OK but I am quite bored which makes it hard to resist temptation. I don't even want to M or O. I am just bored and feel as if I have nothing better to do. Doesn't help that it's the weekend and that no one is in town. I'm going to go for a walk I suppose...
    I relapsed yet again. I was feeling too horny and I had to check Xtube. As a result I closed my account there. It was the impulse I needed. I've closed three e-mail accounts, rendered inaccessible Skype (with a new gibberish password and no e-mail account to recover it), I've cancelled my membership on the websites I use the most.
    It's not the ultimate solution - my resolve should be stronger than all this, but at least it's a way to make a clean(er) start. I feel lighter already. I now have two stashes of porn on old computer to destroy and I'll be a free man.
     
  9. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Day 4 : Nothing to report. I got rid of all the porn I could find. I have no desire to PMO. Feeling a little more like myself. I had a sex dream though and it was pretty strong. When I woke up, I had a little trouble letting it go as it felt quite nice. I'm having really strong dreams these days, not always sexual. Anyhow, I've prepared a list of movies to watch, books to read so I will saturate my brain and avoid PMO thoughts. I have little energy these days. But it's getting better.
     
  10. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Hiya Antin,
    I relapsed too. Maybe we can help eachother get back in the groove and finally be free of PMO.
    I have no clue about how you can hide stuff on your computer.
    The boredom is a rough one for me too.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  11. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    I threw away everything and rendered access to the IM software I could not erase difficult (the recovery e-mail does not exist anymore). So overall, I've removed temptation as much as I could. But it's still accessible in a way, the rest will mostly be force of will. I've discovered that it's easier to abstain now, you learn from a relapse and from yourself. If you have identified your trigger as boredom, I suggest you pick an activity, something fulfilling, time-consuming and mind numbing. It'll help.
     
  12. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Day 6 of attempt 3 : nothing to report, again. I have more energy but it's not that noticeable. I sleep better though and I am able to wake up earlier on my own. No desire to PMO although I had an erection this morning. I stumbled upon porn yesterday but it didn't arouse me. Still going strong.
     
  13. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Hiya Antin,
    Well done getting rid of all that stuff.
    Keep trying and keep trying.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  14. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Day 7 : not much to report except that I am a little bored and alone at home. Boredom is definitely my trigger. Still holding up.
     
  15. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Hiya Antin,
    It's good to hear your making some progress.
    What is it about boredom in our generation.
    Somehow we must be getting the idea that we should be constantly entertained or stimulated.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  16. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: The Diary of Antinoüs - Take 2

    Shit. I relapsed. I just jacked off on the phone. It wasn't that great. I could have stopped myself but didn't. I played with fire because I was so bored. I can only blame myself, I wanted this. I feel that I have no force of will.

    I'm ashamed of myself. I'm not able to last long.
    OK.
    Let's try again. Fourth attempt (and I didn't even last a week this time...)
     
  17. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Day 2-ish of my 4th attempt : temptation is strong today. I am alone, it's the weekend. It's raining outside. Pretty hard to resist. I will try though. I need to do this.
     
  18. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Hiya Antin,
    I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but what you did wasn't a complete relapse.
    There was some human contact, albeit on the phone, and even if you paid (I don't know.)
    So keep away from porn and keep posting here.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  19. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    As always, thanks for the input. I do believe however it was a complete relapse because it tapped into a darker side of me which I want to suppress as much as I can. Furthermore, online, on the phone... it's still not real. I need to get rid of that. It's the easy way out and it's damaging. I am not sure what day I am on now. Not sure about the attempt number either. I won't count the days now. I'll get to one week. And then we'll see from here.
     
  20. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    It's been... I am not sure how many days it's been.

    It's been a while since I haven't looked at porn and masturbated to it. I have deleted my porn stash and even though I've looked at bits of (rather mild) porn a few times, I didn't masturbate on it.

    I haven't had an orgasm in about a week now. I haven't masturbated either.

    I am doing fine but I am also super horny all the time. I am trying to meet people instead of masturbating. My dreams are now more vivid and more sexual than ever. I usually stopped during foreplay in my dreams but now it goes way beyond that - physical contact I mean, something that was absent in my dreams for ever. I suppose it means something, I am not sure.

    Am I getting better? I am not sure. I don't know. I sure hope I am. I've failed once because of the chaser effect. The other times were because of boredom and being alone. I've identified the triggers but controlling them is another thing altogether. My sleep pattern is now all wonky again. I am not sure whether it's normal or not. Still, I'm hanging there. Reading accounts of successful reboots to cheer me up. I want to do this and I will do this. Just one day at a time.
     

Share This Page