The Fourth Diary of Antinoüs - day 0

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Antinoüs, Jun 3, 2012.

  1. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    I cannot begin to express how relieved I am that I have found this website and forum. I suppose many out there are experiencing the same thing as well.

    Anyway, I am 29 and I have been masturbating for quite a long time now, since I was 14 or so. So for more than half of my life. I've been using porn for a long time as well. At first, I was using the computer to find pictures, then it became movies, then longer movies. I also use my computer to indulge in chats with partners, sometimes using my camera, sometimes using my microphone. Anything is good so long as I get in the zone. I should mention that I am gay and I used porn and my computer a lot because I wasn't out and comfortable with my sexuality. I now have a boyfriend and to say that the sex is not satisfactory would be an understatement. I am completely unable to hold an erection, my penis becomes flaccid rapidly. It's very embarrassing. For the longest time, I thought the problem was linked to a lack of self-confidence or experience or psychological entirely. In the meantime, I have the best erections when I chat to people about very extreme topics that do not ressemble me one bit. Anyhow, I've thrown my porn in the trash, I've deleted the web browser I use for porn and thrown away the IM softwares I use. I will not lie, I still have one of the softwares laying around because I have two accounts on it. I need to delete the porn one, I just want to see if I am strong enough not to use it. I need to find an activity now. I should mention that I am battling depression too and am looking for a job. Needless to say I have a lot of time on my hands and always find ways and moments to masturbate. It's not going to be an easy road. Let's do this!


    Day 0: I won't count it since I've discovered the site and watched the videos in the evening. I also jacked off today once. Ergh.

    Day 1 : I woke up and I didn't turn the computer up. I showered instead of partaking in porn. I feel that I have more free time than I used to have before. I might be a little too euphoric and overly enthusiastic. But for now, I am taking this as a good sign. I remembered today that I needed to erase the phone number of a sex hotline I had been using over the past month. I am keeping the calling log though so I can realize how much I have used it. OK, it's just half the day but I am showered which usually never happened before later in the afternoon.
     
  2. gardenman

    gardenman New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    I have been using porn for over half my life too, and can relate to my brain thinking the fake stuff is more real than the real stuff.

    I don't really think its a good idea to try to test your resolve by keeping an account on IM. Installing k-9 or something on your computer, setting the password to something you don't know and putting the password somewhere out of direct reach. Perhaps with an understanding friend. Then change your IM passwords and them out of reach. Keeping it around would be kind of like a heroin user keeping a stash behind a picture frame. Just going to think about it too often and on a particularly weak day just fall into the trap.

    You are going to need to find something to do to keep you occupied and/or out of the house. I have no idea what kind of job your looking for, but if you can find something fulfilling that will help with that process, and get you out and about that would be ideal. The actual process of the job search may be frustrating so you will need something to fall back on.

    Go get some outdoor time. It will help. If your not the outdoorsy type, you could go to a cafe or something and just drink a coffee or something outside. It might be a good idea to go to the coffee shop to work on finding a job too.

    Good luck on your endeavors!
     
  3. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Thank you for your input Gardenman!
    I went out today, almost for the entire day so I barely had time to think about porn or else. I did have some flashes of the people I hang out with online but I shunned them as soon as they arrived. You are right, I will be needing something to fall back on. Not sure what it will be, but I have decided to read a lot more. I have created a reading list of gripping books that I will follow.

    As for the IM, I will consider my options. I believe the best way is to delete the account completely. It's a little difficult to do but I believe it needs to be done. I am just afraid to actually launch the software (which is needed if you want to erase the account) so I will wait for a few days before I actually do that.

    Boredom is my main trigger. Being alone at home is another one. But sometimes, a nasty thought will lead to a chain reaction. I've had a few today, but I was able to wrestle with them and so far, I have been victorious. I have also tried to avoid arousal. While dressing up, I touched myself and got an erection. It would be unwise to masturbate, so I didn't do anything.

    The weird thing is that throwing away my porn collection seems to have brought me clarity, it felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Clarity, motivation, focus and energy are things that have completely left me. It's been a slow depletion, but this past year has been terrible on that front. I took an exam a little more than a year ago and passed without working too much. I was able to juggle with my porn addiction quite well I think then, and I used it as a stress reliever. However, porn took precedence over everything else quite often. I have a lot of trouble delaying gratification which is why I need to treat myself a little to be able to cope.

    So yeah, day 1 : no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm, no problem. On to day 2!
    My goal is to last 90 days without porn or chat or cam. I will see if I can go without masturbating but it seems harder. I have decided to do it for as long as I can and I think that at least a month is a reasonable and doable objective. If I do masturbate, I will follow the site's advice, meaning that I will only focus on pleasure and not fantasy. To that end, I will use a toy I have. But for now, I wonder if I should lock it away maybe...
     
  4. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Day 2 : Going well so far. Nothing to report. I am having erections but I didn't do anything about them. I try and quash every sexy thought I might be having. And I keep busy. Not sure if it's related, but last night, I was drawing quite well, so well indeed that my art teacher kept one of my drawings. Not sure it's related, but thought it was funny. OK, time to head out for a daily walk.
     
  5. gardenman

    gardenman New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    I think its probably related... I noticed much better work on the creative side from this. Though I don't know if its the porn or just the sense of accomplishment.

    Even though it might be hard to avoid the MO part, I think its key at least for long enough to flat line and experience what thats like. Basically if you can abstain for 14 days to a month you might realize you don't need it nearly as often as you would suspect.
     
  6. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    So far, I've been really able to subdue the need to masturbate. It's quite weird, I realize now how much that need relied on boredom. I try and keep myself busy at all times. I've just finished a book and I am forcing myself to get out. So far it's working. It'll help that I will be travelling next weekend, so I should be able to reach the one week milestone easily. It's amazing how much time in a day it frees. I hadn't realized how long I was spending on this.
     
  7. elchancho

    elchancho Guest

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Hi!

    Congrats on your day 2! I agree that keeping yourself busy is a good way of not indulging, and it is also my strategy. Only, sometimes you need time alone, maybe you are working on your computer, then is when web filters are the help. I installed K9 and trown away my password. If i will desperatly need it i can ask for a temporary one. But that is a barrier i have to overcome before indulging again, and it helps. About boredom, it also triggers me, but most of all is negative thinking: feeling lonely, depressed are the most common sensations. I am trying some kind of meditation, lying on the bed listening to some music for instance helps me thinking more clearly. If that does not work, i go out for a walk, or to the gym.

    I wish you all the luck! Be strong!
     
  8. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Today was day 3. I didn't watch porn or masturbated. I did visit a fetish store though and met with another fetishist. I wasn't especially turned on or anything. I saw that as human interaction and not a very sexy one. I didn't get hard at all. I am not sure what it means. This fetish of mine came before my porn addiction so I think it will stay because it is so ancient. I also don't really want it to go, I am not sure how to approach it, but in any case, removing myself from the virtual and the computer to share something more real is better and what I aspire to. I did have some bursts of desire but they were mostly shivers and didn't translate in anything in the groin area. I forced myself to shun these anyway, I don't want to take any risks and be tempted to pleasure myself. On to day 4!
     
  9. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Day 4 : I am a little tense today and as a result, I feel a stronger need to pleasure myself. But so far, I have been holding up.

    I noticed something quite weird today. There is a slight disconnection between my brain and my penis, meaning that I sometimes have to check whether I am hard or not. I sometimes feel harder in my brain when actually I am very limp. This is a very interesting representation of what I am facing. I am not able to say whether I am hard or not at a given time. Hopefully I will be able to accurately tell when the reboot period is over.

    I also have realized I have porn stocked on two other hard drives. They are not easily accessible so they present no real "threat" but I will need to deal with them. I also need to clean up the history of the IM softwares. I will also have to close my accounts in several services. I will keep one of the websites though since I have perverted its use - I am using it as a way to meet friends and not in a porn way. I'll be only using it on my phone though so that I cannot really look at the pictures and the use will be limited.

    I am overall surprised as to how little desire I am experiencing. I don't think I am flatlining already, it's way too early. I must have just felt very bored and used PMO as a way out in ways I never realized yet.
     
  10. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Days 5-7: it's been a week now. I feel fine really. It feels that my sex drive has gone. I slept next to my partner and wasn't aroused at all. In the streets, seeing attractive people doesn't trigger anything even though I am recognizing them as attractive. I don't miss jacking off too, so that's good.
    I did have a dream where I was jacking off, but it was mostly about the shame I felt - and how I would have to report something about it on here. Accountability - using this website - is a great motivator.

    On to week two now!
     
  11. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Day 8 - Week 2 : nothing much to report. Been having some very very soft erections I've been able to quench. I am not aroused at all these days which is kind of calming. I feel as if I am a sexless individual and this is not so bad. I hope I am not too enthusiastic about it, but I have to admit that this week has been good so far. And this one looks interesting as well. I will probably be seeing someone this week. Sex might happen, but it won't be anything virtual. Overall, it's good I think. I might end up not having sex though because I want to have a complete reboot before I can have more satisfying sex. I think having some disappointing sex might be a setback. We'll see how it goes.
     
  12. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Hiya Ant,
    Welcome and good work thus far.
    I read your journal out of curiousity because I'm not gay and didn't know if it could relate.
    I found out that when it comes to rebooting from PMO we're all identical.
    This porn is shit in whatever form it takes.
    I know you're just getting started so you're in some denial.
    I have no doubt that soon you will realize you have to remove access to porn or edging interactions on the computer.
    You will need to close all that bullcrap out and hopefully it will be before you relapse (if you relapse).
    Use whatever incentive you need to use. Maybe you had a good day with your partner, use that feeling to clean up the computer.
    Maybe you had a bad day and you just ate like a pig or stubbed your toe. If that gets you feeling grumpy, use it to piss yourself off at those lousy sites, servers, chat rooms etc. No mercy!

    We're both lucky that we have partners because that makes the reboot easier (not necessarily faster.)
    It's a good feeling to know we have intimacey even though it's not yet unblemished.
    Just so you know, I'm 52 and have been PMOing for about 35 years. So try not to be too discouraged about the time lost and the shame you feel. That is a big benefit of reading and posting here.
    You'll get the hope for freedom back. Then all is possible again.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  13. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Thanks for the reply Gettingthere... I have cleaned my computer now, however I still need to empty all my hard drives. I will also have to think about what I might have left behind. Maybe conversation logs, that sort of things.

    it's been hard today. I have to admit that there is some kind of desire clawing back in my mind now. It's not porn, it's not chatting, it's something else. I had just started writing a story with someone online... and I was wondering what that person wrote, if anything. I am not sure this would be so terrible to look and check... but I suspect it's dangerous to do so and I really shouldn't. I feel that if I go have a look, I'll be opening a can of worms and won't be able to head back.

    I've also had erections today while I was in the train and the car. It was automatic, but I really tried to quell these even though the one in the car was starting to get pretty strong.

    So yeah, it's starting to get hard. Temptation is there now, stronger than ever, urging me to just have a look, just do a quickie... I will resist and be stronger than this. I don't want to fail, not when I am noticing every day how much time I've wasted on this.
     
  14. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Hiya Antin,
    Good job resisting thus far.
    It really does get easier at some point.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  15. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Thanks again, tonight was really the hardest. I had to use all of my force of will. And I have to admit that your message helped! On to the next day now.

    I need to figure out a way to avoid my triggers at all costs. Boredom is definitely one!
     
  16. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Day 10: Temptation is super strong today. My brain is now telling me how I should just have a look, how it won't hurt, how it'll be quick and all that. I have been keeping busy and thus was able to resist, but it's getting harder and harder. I don't want to jeopardize everything though so I have been focusing on something else. But still, that damn temptation. I hope it'll grow a little weaker next week. But I'm afraid it's going to get harder and harder from now on.

    Temptation does not come from porn at all. It's the contact with the people I used to chat with that I miss. I know this is completely illusory and has no grounding in reality so I need to avoid it, just like I need to avoid porn. But it's so damn tempting, it'd be so easy to just check. I've made it harder, but still, it wouldn't take very long. In any case, I'm holding up. I'll overcome this. As a sign of resolve, I threw away a chat log I had laying around. Throwing it away and resisting the temptation to check it felt good. I will get rid of my porn e-mail address and delete my profiles on websites when I feel stronger (I will need to be able to resist the temptation to look...)

    Still no P, no M and no O.
     
  17. gardenman

    gardenman New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Here is a tip to help get rid of urge, get some contact etc. Also probably a good life practice in general. You realize that if your just sitting around feeling tempted your not doing too much productive anyways soo..

    Pick one thing that sounds awesome, and go do it. Forget everything else for a few hours and just enjoy yourself. Going on a hike, seen people on here taking cooking classes, could go to a wine tasting who knows.. Maybe take up frisbe golf with a friend or something. One thing I thought of when writing this post was going to a rock climbing wall. I have never done that, no idea why not it sounds fun..
     
  18. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Hiiya Antin,
    You've taken substantial steps cleaning up the computer. Keep going in that same direction.
    Get rid of any crap that can cause you to PMO. Experience tells us here that a sudden strong urge is like a tightrope walker.
    If you fall you go down to the bottom of Niagra Falls.
    If you stay on the cable you can keep on walking until you get across safely.


    But don't underestimate that delicate balance and the strength of the urge.
    The bottom line is that when that urge hits (and it will), you will need a moment to regroup.
    Where will that moment come from?
    It will be found because you've made it hard to track down the shit on your computer.

    Human contact is important but fantasizing to pixels is the illusion that brought you to distress.
    In your heart you know which contacts you care about on the computer.
    You also know which ones are flirtations possibly leading to graphic language.
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
     
  19. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Day 10 & 11 : last night, I had sex. It was nice even though I was afraid it might have been too early. I had one or two orgasms then and ended up by jacking myself off. I was surprised that it didn't feel that good especially after 10 days of abstinence. But I was not on my own, so I suppose it's not exactly the same and my reboot is still in place.
    It was hard today, again. I looked at pictures but they weren't extreme. Just sexy. I felt something in my groin, but when I checked, I was limp. Last night, I didn't get a strong erection and from time to time it was hard, but it went limp quite quickly. So I am really not that cured. That said, I've taken a few steps in making sex a little more real which I think will help in the long run. I'm going to do the same tonight and I am quite excited about it... even though, just thinking about it makes me quite horny which lures the temptation back in. My brain is bargaining quite a bit, I need to get a move on with my day so that I can think about something else.

    Update: I had a small relapse. I checked on the story I had written with someone. I was disappointed because the other guy didn't write much. I also launched the IM software. No one was online, so I deleted most of my contacts. Then, I called the sex hotline but no one was online either. So overall, it was a relapse but it didn't yield any results. I did not jack off but got quite horny. This might count as P I suppose. I don't feel like shit though. I just am disappointed in me and I feel still frustrated. This is not good. I really have to get out of here.
     
  20. gettingthere

    gettingthere New Member

    Re: Becoming myself: fixing ED, my brain and hopefully my life

    Hiya Antin,
    You need to give yourself some credit for making real progress.
    I know others here disagree but I think human contact, including orgasm, does not inhibit rebooting.
    Just the opposite, the intimacy is the goal so the orgasm keeps the goal of intimacy tangible.

    Only you know what was in your head when jerking off with your partner. If you're not off in fantasy lala land, two consenting adults are enjoying it, why the heck not?

    That "erotic" stuff can lead you down that slippery slope to true porn. So it is best to avoid it.

    Keep cleaning up your computer. Regarding that, you've got a lot of work. For me it's easy because I'm too computer-illiterate to even know what IM software is. hahaha
    Be well,
    Gettingthere
    P.S. You're in double digits now!
     

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