So I've been following this forum for the past 1-ish month. A bit about me. I'm 26 years old. I got exposed to porn at 13. I was diagnosed with a mental illness after I tried to kill myself at one stage in my teens, no not depression. The main reason why I masturbated, especially in the later years, is due to stress. It gave me enough relief to fall asleep. The porn use didn't go too extreme, I didn't get into BDSM, trannies or anything like that. Just hetero hardcore. I do remember as a younger teen, there was no porn, just fantasy, cause I had poor access to a private computer. I found with the use of porntubes, I was turning more to compilations, I guess for novelty. I would have continued like this for the rest of my life. I've never had a gf, and I've never had sex, though that would be due to religion, as ironic as it sounds, I know I'll be judged for that, but I have my own way of resolving my porn use. I didn't feel like masturbating was hurting anyone else, that's how I resolved it, I didn't give a stuff about myself or my own religious consequences, but I did care about not affecting others [but I'm not fussed about what they do for themselves though, I'm pretty tolerant religiously, probably got porn to thank for that I guess]. I did dream about having a wife when I was younger, but after my mental illness, and especially in the past two years, I didn't think it would be fair to put someone through that. I just wanted to have a job that fed me, and just fend for myself and survive. Masturbation would be my way of taking care of my sexual needs. Really, I've spent my 20s trying to pick up the pieces in my life after my illness. But I would still enjoy flirting, had a few dates [count on 1 hand, for the experience], and would have the odd crush. Recently, there has been this girl that has made me sit up and think, about the possibility about being in a relationship. I have these feelings for her, that made me think what would happen if I did get better one day, and was able to have a relationship. I still think though that it would be unfair for me try start something, and it would be my happiness to see her happiness with someone else. For what it's worth, I enjoy the friendship that exists. But it got me to a stage where I didn't want to look at porn anymore, dreaming about a relationship. I allowed myself to think about what a relationship with this girl would be like, because I've never had that experience, and I wanted to think about what various the issues would be, going through hypotheticals that were about a range of things; including sex, but emotional issues as well; because I realised I had never thought about it before. So I tried to fantasise to MO instead, like I did when I was a teen. But, in my horror, I couldn't get to O. I tried again the next day. this time, it took me 1.5 hours, with a soft erection that kept going away. But thankfully, I did get to O, which gave me some confidence. For days afterwards, I would attempt to MO with fantasy, but it would always take me over 1.5 hours, with a mostly limp dick. But then, these events led me to this forum, and YBOP, and after reading, I got scared by the fact that porn was desensitising my penis. Without porn, my erection was very soft, and having thought about the possibility of a relationship, I thought how sad would it be that even if I were to ever get into one, I wouldn't even be able to hold a continuous penetration. Only porn would hold it right now, to a much more quicker O than I was getting with fantasy. I was now just MO-ing to fantasy, and holding off every few days so I could get a better O the next time. During one of these breaks, I read through the whole of TheUnderDog's thread. I was saddened by his tribulations with staying erect with real women, and also scared that the same thing would happen to me if it ever came to that. I was inspired by his story, and the progress he made to the point where he had his first non-prostitute sex, and gf. At that point, I was inspired to match his top stint of 20 days with PMO. I felt a bit of healthy competition, and also motivated by the fact that my porn novelty problems were very insignificant in comparions, and also motivated that after my instance of my illness, I didn't MO for three months or so, but having said that, I was deeply unmotivated at that time, those days were the days of my greatest suicidal yearnings, very deep yearnings. The dopamine from masturbation did help save my life and give me motivation, I'll be honest - some good stuff, but now I'm see the bad stuff as well. [P.S. I was really sad by the recent setback to TheUnderDog, but having read the amazing progress he has made in the past year, getting to non-prostitute sex, and then a gf, it has been really inspiring]. So, my journey here is purely to get my erectile health back. I don't think I should be in a relationship, but I want to feel like if something changed in my life and I ever felt like I wouldn't hurt someone in a relationship emotionally, then I want to feel like I would be ready to do the deed in the bed. I never ever want to look at porn again, I'm not even really counting the days, but the last time I looked was January the 25th, that was the day I turned to fantasy. I am counting the days since I last masturbated, it has been 20 days since the 15th of February. I'm counting this as my PMO count, since I want to reboot without MO as well. I want to get to 40 days no PMO. Then I want to get to 60 days. Then I want to get to 80 days. And then 90 days. All the while, I want to see how my penis is doing. Just writing this journal to remind me why I'm doing this, and what happened in the start, if I did ever go deep into the days. I haven't had a wet dream yet, which kind of worries me as to the extent of my loss of sensitivity. And I've been flatlining. After 90 days, I will reassess, and see if I should continue. It would depend on my erection levels. I do want to be able to masturbate again, but never again to porn, only fantasy, with real girls. When I was younger, I felt bad fantasising to real people, and that was the big reason why I turned to porn, but now I've come to the realisation that maybe it would help if it came to doing the deed, because I would have less hang ups about real people. The older you are, the easier it is to separate contexts; when I was young, I was scared and embarrassed about how my fantasies would affect my behaviour in real life, but now I guess it won't be a problem, cause I'm more mature and there are less unknowns in life socially, the older you get [youth is a scary time of unknowns]. So after 90 days, I will see what to do based on my erectile health. Getting there is the problem though.