So I've been following this forum for the past 1-ish month. A bit about me. I'm 26 years old. I got exposed to porn at 13. I was diagnosed with a mental illness after I tried to kill myself at one stage in my teens, no not depression. The main reason why I masturbated, especially in the later years, is due to stress. It gave me enough relief to fall asleep. The porn use didn't go too extreme, I didn't get into BDSM, trannies or anything like that. Just hetero hardcore. I do remember as a younger teen, there was no porn, just fantasy, cause I had poor access to a private computer. I found with the use of porntubes, I was turning more to compilations, I guess for novelty. I would have continued like this for the rest of my life. I've never had a gf, and I've never had sex, though that would be due to religion, as ironic as it sounds, I know I'll be judged for that, but I have my own way of resolving my porn use. I didn't feel like masturbating was hurting anyone else, that's how I resolved it, I didn't give a stuff about myself or my own religious consequences, but I did care about not affecting others [but I'm not fussed about what they do for themselves though, I'm pretty tolerant religiously, probably got porn to thank for that I guess]. I did dream about having a wife when I was younger, but after my mental illness, and especially in the past two years, I didn't think it would be fair to put someone through that. I just wanted to have a job that fed me, and just fend for myself and survive. Masturbation would be my way of taking care of my sexual needs. Really, I've spent my 20s trying to pick up the pieces in my life after my illness. But I would still enjoy flirting, had a few dates [count on 1 hand, for the experience], and would have the odd crush. Recently, there has been this girl that has made me sit up and think, about the possibility about being in a relationship. I have these feelings for her, that made me think what would happen if I did get better one day, and was able to have a relationship. I still think though that it would be unfair for me try start something, and it would be my happiness to see her happiness with someone else. For what it's worth, I enjoy the friendship that exists. But it got me to a stage where I didn't want to look at porn anymore, dreaming about a relationship. I allowed myself to think about what a relationship with this girl would be like, because I've never had that experience, and I wanted to think about what various the issues would be, going through hypotheticals that were about a range of things; including sex, but emotional issues as well; because I realised I had never thought about it before. So I tried to fantasise to MO instead, like I did when I was a teen. But, in my horror, I couldn't get to O. I tried again the next day. this time, it took me 1.5 hours, with a soft erection that kept going away. But thankfully, I did get to O, which gave me some confidence. For days afterwards, I would attempt to MO with fantasy, but it would always take me over 1.5 hours, with a mostly limp dick. But then, these events led me to this forum, and YBOP, and after reading, I got scared by the fact that porn was desensitising my penis. Without porn, my erection was very soft, and having thought about the possibility of a relationship, I thought how sad would it be that even if I were to ever get into one, I wouldn't even be able to hold a continuous penetration. Only porn would hold it right now, to a much more quicker O than I was getting with fantasy. I was now just MO-ing to fantasy, and holding off every few days so I could get a better O the next time. During one of these breaks, I read through the whole of TheUnderDog's thread. I was saddened by his tribulations with staying erect with real women, and also scared that the same thing would happen to me if it ever came to that. I was inspired by his story, and the progress he made to the point where he had his first non-prostitute sex, and gf. At that point, I was inspired to match his top stint of 20 days with PMO. I felt a bit of healthy competition, and also motivated by the fact that my porn novelty problems were very insignificant in comparions, and also motivated that after my instance of my illness, I didn't MO for three months or so, but having said that, I was deeply unmotivated at that time, those days were the days of my greatest suicidal yearnings, very deep yearnings. The dopamine from masturbation did help save my life and give me motivation, I'll be honest - some good stuff, but now I'm see the bad stuff as well. [P.S. I was really sad by the recent setback to TheUnderDog, but having read the amazing progress he has made in the past year, getting to non-prostitute sex, and then a gf, it has been really inspiring]. So, my journey here is purely to get my erectile health back. I don't think I should be in a relationship, but I want to feel like if something changed in my life and I ever felt like I wouldn't hurt someone in a relationship emotionally, then I want to feel like I would be ready to do the deed in the bed. I never ever want to look at porn again, I'm not even really counting the days, but the last time I looked was January the 25th, that was the day I turned to fantasy. I am counting the days since I last masturbated, it has been 20 days since the 15th of February. I'm counting this as my PMO count, since I want to reboot without MO as well. I want to get to 40 days no PMO. Then I want to get to 60 days. Then I want to get to 80 days. And then 90 days. All the while, I want to see how my penis is doing. Just writing this journal to remind me why I'm doing this, and what happened in the start, if I did ever go deep into the days. I haven't had a wet dream yet, which kind of worries me as to the extent of my loss of sensitivity. And I've been flatlining. After 90 days, I will reassess, and see if I should continue. It would depend on my erection levels. I do want to be able to masturbate again, but never again to porn, only fantasy, with real girls. When I was younger, I felt bad fantasising to real people, and that was the big reason why I turned to porn, but now I've come to the realisation that maybe it would help if it came to doing the deed, because I would have less hang ups about real people. The older you are, the easier it is to separate contexts; when I was young, I was scared and embarrassed about how my fantasies would affect my behaviour in real life, but now I guess it won't be a problem, cause I'm more mature and there are less unknowns in life socially, the older you get [youth is a scary time of unknowns]. So after 90 days, I will see what to do based on my erectile health. Getting there is the problem though.
Day 20 Had morning wood. Flatlined the whole day. In these past 20 days, I have noticed that I have no anxiety anymore. But that's not the reason why I'm doing this. Only one reason - my erectile health. The day before, the girl I've been thinking about asked me something that made my balls feel like they were half-kicked, like it didn't hurt, but it was like an electric buzz. As in, I had no erection, but I was surprised. The hardest thing I find to deal with are my emotions. Usually when I'm stressed I would PMO, but now I find I have to deal with a range of emotions in different ways, than to numb myself with PMO.
Day 21 Well, I finally had a wet dream. Its occurrence is a relief, I don't remember my last one. Remember the dream vividly, kept dreaming after the opioid hit, pretty random actually, and then woke up after another segment of the dream, which was a boring bit about my line of work. *Trigger warning On day 10 I went for a walk up this popular steep gradient in my area. Then afterwards, as I was walking back to the car, I saw my first act of public sex. Funny the timing of these things. I had huge erections for a few days, but forgot about it over the days. 11 days later, my dream is about seeing public sex, but in a different environment; though still clothed, like the actual one I saw. I'm surprised at my subconcious memory, I had all but forgotten about this incident. So yeh, suffice to say, no morning wood. Did get a few spontaneous erections again, after a number of days of flatline. I also feel a want to M, but I'm just consciously denying myself whenever it comes to my head.
Seems like your are doing fine and you have your cravings in controll. Good job! When you are feeling stressed you could try controlled breathing, go for a walk, or you could exercise. All of this helps a little bit with stress reduction.
Thanks E. Cheers Cocoon, they are good ideas. I do tend to go for walks everyday as a stress relief, and these days I love my music as well, helps a lot. Day 22 No morning wood when I woke up, but while still laying in bed, I got a spontaneous erection, which I guess was just morning wood. Flatlined the whole day afterwards.
Day 23 Delayed morning wood again. Flatlined mostly, though had a brief 20% kind of erection once in the day.
Day 24 Definite morning wood, rock hard, already there when I awoke. A few spontaneous erections today. None right now, but feeling pretty horny.
Day 25 No morning wood, some spontaneous erections, pretty weak ones. Had a little bit of anxiety today, not too much, but it was brief, maybe a few minutes, compared to prior to starting this, where I'd be anxious for weeks, and masturbation would relieve it for sleep. But during that time, did have feelings to end the anxiety with M. But now I'm feeling quite balanced. I did only start this for erection health only, but today has made me realise how much of an affect this regime has had on my anxiety, and that's not even a diagnosed problem for myself. If this isn't a placebo effect, then this is a really huge incentive for me to really consider my habits in future when it comes to this. It'll be hard to confirm this over a short period of time, but prior to this, especially for the past year, anything minor would set off anxiety, so it would be a real bonus if frequent M was the cause. Of course, it doesn't compute in my head, because otherwise how else would people have sex frequently, if it gives them anxiety. But perhaps my use of M to modulate my emotions might have taken them out of balance in the greater scheme.
Day 26 Morning wood. Several spontaneous erections. Intense cravings today, damn facebook, a photo set it off. Just to confirm a measurement I took after day 10 cravings, I measured with a tape measure, and my erection seriously has half an inch extra length to what I had been getting through PMO.
Day 28 No morning wood. 1 or 2 spontaneous erections. But mostly my dick is dead during the day. Even though I have these urges to just wank. It feels like I have all this dopamine in my head today [and probably yesterday]. I have all these strong feelings, which feel strongly pleasant, as if I am masturbating. Even though my dick is dead. *Trigger warning, this has been set in motion by a facebook picture I saw the other day of someone who was wearing clothes, but whose tit was practically out, no nipple though, but hugely turned on by the amount of flesh. Lucky it was a friend of a friend, cause I haven't gone back to it, no reason to, and I've forgotten the name. It feels almost too much for me, because when I feel these feelings, I feel like there should be an opioid hit coming, which it isn't, because I'm not wanking. Which leaves me in a perpetual stage of strong feelings, possibly driven by dopamine surges. Because I feel like an opioid hit should be coming, it is this that is probably giving me the urges to tug, because I know that that will give me the opioid hit through orgasm. But doing that is not an option for me. So, at the moment, I'm trying to give myself satiation by doing things such as playing my guitar. But as soon as I stop to write this, the feelings all come back. I'm probably not getting enough social contact at the moment so that I can use my social expressions and interactions as an outlet for all this dopamine. I will this weekend though.
Day 29 No morning wood, no spontaneous erections. Distracted by socialising with people throughout the day.
one more day to go for one month, nice. Make sure you don't get any target day urges. he he. Good luck.
You are doing great man! Im sure u will reach your target. Btw music is a great distraction when the urge to PMO hits. Play your guitar when you crave that release. I just started learning to play but it really helps distract me.
Congrats on your progress. A wet dream is one of the best signs you can get, imo. I'm still waiting to have one. And I can sort of relate to your public sex experience. My upstairs neighbours usualy have sex every Thursday. Loudly. It's crazy frustrating. I also co-sign guitar playing as a distraction. I've been learning scales during the reboot.
Thanks Tony Stark . Didn't have any target day urges though, kind of skipped 30 days as a target, and made 40 days a target. But yeh, at the moment, I'm not really seeing the smaller target days as something to drag myself to; ever since I started this journal, it has been an outlet to note down my experiences, so that I can compare and see that I'm going through things that may be typical, while I strive towards my next big target of 90 days. I feel like I may not see erectile improvement before 90 days, if by then at all, so just going to go for that day, and reassess my health. Thanks Strider! I hope I reach my target, but yeh, if I don't, I just let down myself. I won't feel like I've disappointed anyone here, because at least people can learn from my mistakes that may happen, while I use this as an outlet to note down my experiences for my memory later down the track when I may be trying to remember my motivations. Yes, something about playing the guitar really helps to release those feelings you get when dopamine collects in your brain. I guess it's like social contact, expressing yourself makes you feel satisfied; something that lacks when you are craving the opioid hit, the craving that usually comes after sexual dopamine spiking. Thanks IV . I really do hope you get one at some stage, whether it is sooner or later. Really impressed with how far you've gone so far. If you haven't had a wet dream so far, then the amount of days you have gone must really have had a great healing effect on yourself, which is a real blessing. Maybe you just had more of an uphill battle to climb, but every day takes you ever more steeper up the climb. Yes, the public sex was really was frustrating, but I guess what I liked about it, is that I like adversity, because it makes me feel good that I had a even bigger challenge to face, and [hopefully would have] got through it, makes my victories feel bigger. Having said that, I'm not going to make my life harder and throw myself bigger challenges of my own doing, that would not give me pride and would be unnecessary hardship. Yes, the guitar is amazing, most of the time when I played in the past, it feels almost like an opioid hit as well, or similar if not exactly that. Listening to music that you like is bliss, and producing music just takes you even higher, especially when you've got someone in mind as inspiration [the romantic kind ] , or about some issue you feel passionate about . Day 30 No morning wood. *Trigger warning 1 spontaneous erection in [what is seemingly seedy, but to be frank, a reaction that was brutally honest and natural] public transport, when a female's nether region was getting close to my face while I was seated. I try to keep my own space and respect others on transport, but sometimes it gets too crowded. So in a case like that, I just turn my body's direction as far away from that as possible to pay respect as much as I can, while not trying to seem rude by not being subtle enough with my body position, but it is hard not to get aroused when their body direction continues to face yourself in that close a space. Again lots of social contact with friends, which is a difference to the rest of the week, so pretty distracted.
Day 31 No morning wood on waking. After waking there was some while still in bed. 1 spontaneous erection.
Day 32 Morning wood after waking. No spontaneous erections. Had a bad day, mentally [though not to do with illness]. Felt stressed, then conversely bored. As I've expected, my urge to M was strong in these times. Didn't, and instead, thought about the bigger picture again, about my life. I'm fiercely independent, a lone wolf. I have time for people if they want it, people come and go, but when they take me for granted like today, I just remember the fact that only one person can really make myself happy - me. Don't need anyone in my life, never did. Need and want are two different things. Other people can either help me to influence my mood to make myself happy, but I'm the C.E.O. of regulating that mood. People may let me down, but I don't have to let me down. I know this doesn't exactly relate to erectile health, but then again, maybe it does, cause if I let myself lose due to succumbing to bad feelings, then the only one who suffers is myself through the loss of sexual health. Every day that passes, I see any failing as an attack on my sexual health, and being a selfish, self-centred person, I could not stand seeing myself losing this battle for any arbitrary reason that will seem very little in hindsight. So, in the end, this reminder of my philosophies turns today into a minor victory of rethinking, when it comes to how I regulate how I perceive my happiness and satisfaction, and not let anyone else dictate them.
Day 33 Ok, so I got a wet dream again today, my second in this stint of no PMO. Stress induced to help regulate my brain? I was kinda stressed about privacy when I started this blog, and got a wet dream that very night. I'm surprised I got another wet dream after a seemingly random interval, and this has seriously incepted the thought in me about whether I need to masturbate again. But I probably will one day again anyways, just to have conscious sexual practice, and only without porn ever again. But yeh, although I say stress, I'll probably never really know exactly why it happened today, maybe I dream more emotionally when stressed. I know I was dreaming, but it wasn't a vivid dream, and I just remember dreaming about vague flesh. Had massive morning wood. No spontaneous erections after.
Day 34 Morning wood massive. Like I hadn't seen that angle of an erection for a long time, after I had stood up, it was 45 degrees up from a 90 degree erection. A few spontaneous erections.
