The Courage to Lose Sight of the Shore

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Acanthus, Aug 10, 2012.

  1. Acanthus

    Acanthus New Member

    Hey. I'm Acanthus, and I think I may have porn-related ED. I'm in my early thirties, and a married father of two.

    I've been masturbating since the age of twelve, and started on my father's hidden Playboys by the age of 13. By 15, I had moved to online porn, and at 16, my father took the door off my room for having found porn on the computer. Rather than take this shock as the motivation to stop, as I now wish I had done, I took it as the motivation to get sneakier about it. I was always a bit of a nerd in high school, always managing to somehow play the nice guy that women complain about their boyfriends to, but never anyone's romantic interest. I'm beginning to wonder if some of this wasn't due to my PMO.

    At the age of 21, I lost my virginity to my future wife, and it was only then that I realized I had a problem. About half the time, I was unable to either get it up at all or keep it hard to completion. We started out blaming it on nerves, then on the anti-depressants I was taking. Over time, we flitted through excuses like not being attracted to her, stress, psychological issues, or even physical problems. She even mentioned it might be due to porn, but I laughed it off at that point. Eventually, it became performance anxiety, as my wife was less and less willing to go to the trouble if I was unable to perform. By the age of 25, I was only able to stay hard to completion maybe a third of the time, and now? Probably one in four. Our sex life is solely about me due to these issues, and we use lube way too often because she doesn’t have time to get aroused before I have to make my move. Sex has become a series of superstitions about how to overcome these issues, and is not at all romantic. We’re always worrying that if he comes out and sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. It certainly hasn’t been easy on our marriage, that’s for sure.

    Stepping back, I continued PMO after I got a girlfriend originally because she was a part of it. When we were apart, there were sexy IMs and sexy webcam chats. Once we were married, I continued partly because she was only interested in sex occasionally, and I thought I was doing her a favor by taking care of my own libido between these times, maybe once every three days or so. Part was also that she seemed somewhat okay with it, masturbating to porn herself occasionally, and sometimes watching it together for mutual masturbation. Once we had our first kid, it became not only a thing for sexual gratification, but also a stress reliever, and due to the stress of an infant with some health issues, I was PMO’ing daily or twice a day just for that tiny splash of chemicals.

    Eventually, I swallowed my pride and went to my doctor to see if anything could be done in that realm. She gave me a bunch of tests, and said I had slightly low testosterone, and I might be able to clear everything up by just wearing a patch. She referred me to a urologist to better assess my options. He did more tests, determined that my testosterone wasn’t low enough to be having problems (especially considering my young age), and since I had no obvious physical defects, he was no longer concerned with the cause of my ED, only in treatment. We tried a variety of products, to expensive but middling success. Nothing would really allow us to be spontaneous without taking out a second mortgage, and it still wasn’t a magic bullet. I’m one of less than five young guys in his practice, and he’s never even hinted that PMO might be a possible issue.

    So that brings us up to today. A variety of factors bring me to this decision to forego PMO. First, the above history, as I feel like I’ve tried just about everything else. Second, my wife recently told me that the boyfriend of one of our friends has diabetes-related ED and is unwilling to do diet and medication to get his diabetes under control, even to be able to have sex with his girlfriend. I made fun of him for being unwilling to try such a straightforward solution when my issue has been so elusive, but now I’m feeling somewhat like a hypocrite for not trying this option right in front of me. Last, my oldest recently turned three, and I’d like her to be able to learn to use the computer. I’d rather not depend on my ability to outsmart her forever in hiding my porn activities from her, so it’s a good time for me to make the cutoff. I have serious concerns about my libido still outpacing my wife’s desires, even if I can perform consistently, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

    That said, I’ve now been off PMO since July 30th, so…by the time I post this, it will be the twelfth day. I just really needed some people to talk to about this, because I obviously can’t talk to my friends or family about this, and it’s getting more and more difficult. My wife is supportive, but she can only do so much. I’m trying to make a goal of my anniversary near the end of October, and put my sexual energies into planning a day or two trip to try me out in a hotel, with the kids at home with grandparents. Hopefully, this will serve as my journal to chart my success in reaching my goal.

    Finally got past the aching balls recently, but I’m now into my fourth straight day of a headache, just a little stronger than a caffeine headache. And the jitteriness, the distractedness, the inability to cope with stress, and the craving for release. I found myself staring at a naked softcore cartoon yesterday somehow (still not entirely sure how I got to it), and had to click the x, because even something that tame is giving my heart a slight thrill. I read that my body is supposed to be in a de-sensitized stage here soon, but I only seem to be getting hornier. Distracting myself from fantasy is also difficult. Irritable enough that I’m getting in verbal fights with my wife and daughter for no good reasons. Any suggestions on how to lessen these issues?
     
  2. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey there Acanthus,

    what a wall of text you got there and I've read it all. Feels better when you just spilled it all out, right?

    I'm glad you made this choice and if you keep this up - you're wife will be really pleased at the hotel that day. ;)

    When you have a craving - try to replace it with something, for e.g. go exercising, just do something quite active or just go walk in the public (doubt you'll PMO in the middle of the town or the park).

    You might find some useful information in my success story. Just click the link in my signature.

    Good luck on the trip to satisfying your wife and becoming the bed tiger that your wife always dreamt of.
     
  3. justforkicks800

    justforkicks800 New Member

    keep it up. I think were both likely in a difficult stage here in that were just starting out. But... stay the course. It truly is a matter of asking yourself what you want for yourself. Do you want more of the same or... something incredibly different? When you d=feel weak look at the success stories on this forum, or do something else you enjoy. Perhaps spend some time with your kids. They will love it!

    Best to you! You can do this thing. Just get your mind right.
     
  4. Acanthus

    Acanthus New Member

    Thanks for the welcome, and I appreciate you reading my wall o' text there. Guess I had a lot to say. Problem with doing something else is that it's often late at night. I guess I ought to just go to bed.
     
  5. Acanthus

    Acanthus New Member

    Day 25: This reboot is going nothing like I expected it to, or like most of the accounts I've read. I was horny as hell for weeks, with headaches and other interesting withdrawal symptoms. In the last few weeks, I've started remembering my dreams for the first time in years. Lots of sex dreams at first. Had a couple slip-ups looking at tame P without M or O, but I've got K9 going and seem to have that under control. It took until day 23 for libido to finally drop off, but with it has come heartburn/anxiety and mild depression. Getting occasional morning wood, though, which shouldn't be happening now. But it happened every once in a while before going off porn, so it's not some huge development.

    So I have no freaking clue where I am on the path. I know all the stuff says not to compare your experience to other people's, but I'd really like to keep my 90 day schedule, and it taking more than three weeks to get to a step that takes most guys like one week is a little troubling, and make me think even those small slip-ups made me start over. Blah.
     
  6. Acanthus

    Acanthus New Member

    Day 76: Surprisingly little has changed in like fifty days. The urge towards porn has lessened (with much fewer near-relapses), but there's no signs that limp dick is receding, other than getting morning wood slightly more consistently. I'm not responding to touch, though the desire for my wife is back.

    Wife has been good about keeping me to my goal of November 2nd, but I'm afraid she's taking it too far, as she won't even do any sensual touch, as it would be a 'tease' for her. She was hoping what I found sexy would become more subtle over time, but that doesn't seem to be happening. Still don't find stretch pants attractive, no matter how form-fitting. Still find exposed skin sexy, though it doesn't have to be cleavage/upper thigh-showing, just hint at such.

    Planned a nice two-night trip for us November 2-4 with hot tubs and other fun stuff, but I'm very afraid I'm not going to be ready in time.
     
  7. Acanthus

    Acanthus New Member

    Day 83: No real change from day 76. I've seen some stuff on this site about priming stuff to work properly once it's been a while. Anyone have any accounts of how that actually works? Nothing's really going on down below, and I only have 2 weeks to get it together. I know it's putting too much pressure on the event, but I had to put a deadline at some point, or I wouldn't have made it this far without PMO. Is there anything I can do to get ready?
     
  8. Acanthus

    Acanthus New Member

    Success! Well, mostly.

    Went on our little excursion last weekend. Got to 100% hard quickly and made it to completion once on Friday evening, and three(!) times on Saturday (including one quickie before dinner just because I had a spontaneous erection), though Sunday morning, apparently he was tired out, as it only made it to 100% hardness for a minute or two before ramping down to about 50%, and we had to do mutual masturbation to get to completion. So yeah, probably overdid it. I've waited a week to go again, despite porn cravings coming back in force (I was fine for weeks before this, with almost zero desire for porn, but I guess it makes sense that once the libido's revived, so is the desire for its most common outlet), so hopefully it continues to work out. We'll see.
     

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