The Cake is a Lie

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by InsideOut, Aug 26, 2012.

  1. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Here I am... Feel rather shy to express such a delicate topics to strangers in the Internet, but I'll give it a try though. I prefer to remain anonymous, so please don't be upset with that. Also be warned that English is my second so there will be mistakes and strange phrases and such.


    Basics: 20, male, complete virgin, nerd, no constant job, living with parents.

    Let me begin from the beginning. It all has started when I was 11 years old. One day I suddenly realised a sexual desire in me. I was quite educated in such questions and already knew what it is exactly, so I immideately started fapping. Slipped to a porn from almost the first "session", that was my parents' discs. I was in some degree shy with girls since I remember myself and not really interested in them. When my sexuality kicked in I wasn't become interested too, I was just content with masturbation for a few years and never figured that there're some other possibilities of sexual interations. It just wasn't needed.

    That was that until I turned 14. In that moment I realised that I. want. a. girl. So I started to lurk the web and ICQ search for possible mates. I was already very shy and anxious, so real-world interactions wasn't an option and wasn't even considered. I found some girl in ICQ and, covered with cold sweat, began to chat with her. It was fun and pleasurable, but I was afraid to ask her out so it was dead end. We has conversations for many years, though. That, probably, set up a direction of my further experiences.

    I won't take much of your time uncovering all my whole life, just a few facts:
    • Chatted many (more than hundred, then I stopped counting) girls in the web.
    • Fell in love (or, better, into severe attraction) for some of then, but with no significant outcome.
    • Went for a few "dates" which yielded nothing and was rather shitty as I see them now (thanks to anxiety and fears)
    • Surprisingly, began conversations in real life couple of times. Don't know how I managed to do that...
    • One year had fun taking photos of girls.
    • Now I realise that I had some opportunities to start relationships (they were friendly to me and some even openly told that they like me) if I put some effort and courage, but failed all of them.
    • In last couple of years had some friendly hugs and sleepovers (no sex, in one case was something like "gentle intercourse", but led to nothing), but no real opportunities though.

    • Skinny.
    • Weak.
    • Rather often was described as cute.
    • Didn't interested in sports ever and suck at this.
    • But cycled for some years, so rather nice legs, lol.


    Here I describe my average state for the most of my life. Further explanation below.

    Unstable. Often feel anxious and shy, but sometimes feel rather confident. Suffered from depressions, loneliness and such, but last years it got better. Extremely uncomfortable with girls that I like, but feel OK around girls if I don't want them despite of their attractiveness and character. Have no major goals nor purpose in life. Totally unmotivated, lazy. Often irritated and pessimistic. Little empathy, sarcasm. Escapism (and always was, books, then games, then Internet or merely fantasies). Very little self-confidence in most cases, whiny. Attention- and approval-seeking behaviour (sometimes extreme). Inability to make decisions. Fear change, embarassment, failure, risk and efforts (this very sad 'cause I have some ideas to implement). Low desire to socialse.

    Current state

    Addiction (fap & porn)

    Watching hardcore from the very beginning. Experienced escalating in taste: regular porn at the beginning, then lesbian, teen, then BDSM. Some time ago stepped back and began to like more soft things with cuddling and kissing. Relating this to psychologigal loneliness. Fantasies also present and almost as pleasurable as video. Stories as well (funny fact that the only one story triggered my BDSM tastes, it all has begun from that story).

    Was a huge fan of virtual sex and was quite good at it (one girl admitted that she orgasmed five times during our "intercourse"). Often I preferred it even before porn.

    Fap frequency ranges widely from 1 per week to 10 times per day. If I'm interested in something, may forgot to do this for weeks and then only do release tension. But most times feel urge to watch porn, so the addiction is likely present.

    Fapping hard and sometimes harmful. This relates to desensitization as I learned. Libido and orgasms strong (in some cases almost unbearable, lol).

    Attempts to recover

    Periodically I gave up PMO to spice things up and induce some novelty. In some cases noticed positive shifts, in some cases note. When there was any, it was like this:
    • More positive bias (even up to smiling to myself).
    • Increased confidence (not that much to approach girls though).
    • Began to prefer real girls more than depicted and appreciate them accordingly. But sometimes I saw them aesthetically rather than sexually within PMO binges too.
    • Strong and constant libido. Shifted into "real" too, there was moments when I almost grabbed or bumped into them intentionally.
    • More looks from both sides of the front. Eye-contact and such. Even something that I tend to call "eye-flirting": secretly gazing each others' reflections, fast sights and such. Sometimes I thought that they follow me (maybe this merely anxiety/paranoia talking).

    But there was never a goal to get rid of PMO completely since I always feared "real" things to an extent of paralysis. And it never last more than 1-2 weeks. Maximums was 2-3 weeks when I was deeply interested in something (I'm coder and trains addict). I noticed the positives but never appreciated them as something worth to pursue.

    The Last Strike™

    Last year

    I was aware of my problems: there was periods when I was extremely unhappy and thought about suicide. Visited therapist once, it was great, but I wasn't able to afford it. I developed retrospection and analysis, began to read books (K. Horney, E. Fromm, R.A. Wilson and so on) and it lasted for some years. I didn't change my life in any significant way. I missed a dozen of great opportunities in all areas of life. But I became aware of myself and drives of others and became more peaceful with myself. In last 12 months depressions and extreme-to-crying-and-nausea loneliness almost ceased. Only experience hard, but short shots when I lie in bed for some days and then recover. But the life in general didn't improve in any way: I have no job (and don't want to search for it), live with parents and don't know what I want and what to do with myself.

    Last months

    I got into the university (wasn't my own decision though), fell in love with girl, got rejected (but we're still friends and it stopped to hurt) and, surprisingly, was happy for couple of months despite of that. And I finally understood that my state is almost exclusively depend only on myself. But (you can guess) it didn't triggered my catharsis either. I still have no motivation. Then I suddenly bumped into YBOP. I studied psychology and neuroscience as amateur for some time, so its main conception just the spot. Suddenly most of the pieces of the puzzle stood in place. It may be my perception blinded with shine of the new elegant idea (that happened a few times, I bumped into theories that promised to explain my struggles), but decided to give it a try. Not to do something (PMO in this case) is generally easier than to do something like exposing to fears, CBT, changing self-talk etc. So here I am.

    Goals and intent

    Here they are:
    • Get rid of desensitization. I realised earlier that I have no drive to do things nor pleasure from achievements. The desensitization concept fits in and doesn't contrast with my previous knowledge so I consider it as a clear shot. That's the main thing. I hope it'll give me the drive to live. If not, I'd better sell all my stuff and spend money on therapists or drugs. ;) I ran out of other options, to be honest.
    • Cease the addiction to "binges" and cheap ways to pump up the limbic system. Correlates with the first, but it have more general affections — I'm unable to pursue goals in any way distant. Also I hardly connect rewards with efforts, so have no motivation to do things (connects with former).
    • Integrate myself. I want to find my purpose, determine what makes me happy, get it and be in all ways content and in love with myself.
    • Get a girlfriend. Girls are fucking nice. I was told that the whole deal with them is extremely fun, exciting and pleasing unless you got dumped and cheated on.
    • Experience. For any outcome, it will be insightful and exciting (by all means, lol) experiment.

    The goal is stardard 90 days (and some milestones in between to keep me motivated and to track the progress). Then it will become open-date and I'll abstain from PMO as long as I can stand. If I find a girl, there'll be no need for PMO anyway. At first I'll strictly avoid any kind of porn and erotic. But no rush-hurry-up-closing-browser-tabs if some picture will pop up, it's pathetic. After stepping on a flatline I'll probably make a few glimpses over non-erotic pics (if won't find someone until that moment, of course). Not for the sake of tests (I'm sure that my libido won't break under any circumstances) or some kind of "last chance", just to keep me interested in girls. Otherwise, I may tend to "rewoke how it was" and the relapse is very likely. And I just like being horny. But the real persons are preferred, of course. After 90 days, if the rewiring will go well and desensitizations subsede, I'll return rare M to drop the excess steam and decrease the probablility of binge (if there is need). If won't find someone until that, again. That's the plan for now.

    I hope I will experience the described benefits and it's likely will occur (judging by past experiences). If my maxima will be satisfied I'll acquire the drive and surge for living I lacked for the most of my conscious life. That will be very nice :)

    Teh Arsenal

    Tools of the trade. Some skills that I possess now and that may be useful:
    • Excercise. As I mentioned, I alwayes hated sports. But now I forcefully do push-ups. I want to get some "man tits" (lol) to become more attractive in general and to strenghten my back (I'm rather slouching now). I intent to adopt "One hundred push-ups" program (thanks for advice on that).
    • Meditation. Finally, I started to get pleasure and calmness from this. Helps to prevent unwanted thoughts (pr0n) and slow down the mind.
    • Keep my hands and mind busy so they won't occasionally slip into pants.
    • Actually doing something. Very fearful.
    • This forum. The size of this post indicates that I lack expression of myself and, probably, support. Don't get wrong, though, I'm not begging for attention and such. This whole will probably be translated to my native language and put into diary.

    Thanks for your attention :) I hope that my post will be interesting, inspirational or useful in some other mean to someone.

    P.S. Also, for its title. I like Portal (obviously) and I find something from Dao in the conception of phantom cake. You devote yourself to pursue your reward, the cake, but since it's only the imagination this goal can not be achieved and the journey towards it become the reward itself. If you accept and embrace it.

    UPD: Some changes applied to represent the current situation.
  2. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    InsideOut, welcome to the forums!

    Reading your psyche is like looking at my own reflection in the mirror. The only difference is that you're doing something about it when you're 4 years younger.

    Your previous efforts at rebooting will put you in good stead. It means you got something to built on reboot-wise instead of starting from nothing.

    All the best of luck!
  3. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    It seems like most of us (those who experience those issues) share the same persomality traits. Which, in turn, makes me feel like there may be the same cause for them. Also it's hard to mention the "good" traits since I haven't any solid proof of them. Actions and such.

    I know that feel :) Now I'm thinking that it's somehow late. My peers (at least some of them) are excessing and strive to improve their lives while I'm stuck in pubertate with the mind of 12 year old boy (BTW, was told that way by the girls a few times). I don't want to exaggerate the desired success, but I surprised why the idea of anxiety and stuff related to sexual habits never struck me. It seems rather obvious now.

    Thanks :) I will try to do my best and report experience. There will be some complications if compare with previous attempts. It's rather a hard period in my environments, for example, university — lots of math this semester; My and my family members health. No need to go into details, but there's some. But I got a lot more tough dealing with stress, I can explain more if you're interested; And projects/job? I'm involved in some collaborative project, but have no drive to work on it, unfortunately. The same going to my own ideas, I nurture some of them for years but no way closer to actual implementation during this time. The same. No drive. It's ridiculous that I rationally know about the rewards of all of those, but it just simply doesn't ring any bells. Like my "left brain" is unable to communicate with "right brain". That's pathetic and shameful :(
  4. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Almost lost my thread, lol.

    Today's some kind of fail. I didn't sleep at night at all and so was passive and inert the whole time. Sleep and eat well, guys. I didn't done neither any of my current habits which I want to develop, nor the planned activities. It's not that late though, but no energy at all.

    Also, forgot to mention that today is my third day of abstination so it isn't a flatline, it's only the fucked up day regimen. Needs to be fixed.
  5. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Day 4

    Tried to sleep normally. Realised that I'm unable to sleep at night now. Woke up at 5 am with boner and that's all. Feel exhausted and weak, but surprisingly decided to be rock hard and determined today. Set many to-dos for today and already did some. Also went for a walk, first time since last week. Felt anxious at first, but then the music kicked in and I felt like a bomb exploded in my head and things went better since then. Covered more than 9km during this trip. Now I'm resting and trying to not to sleep, lol.
  6. ns32

    ns32 New Member

    InsideOut - you are young, you have analyzed yourself, and you are taking action to improve what you see as weaknesses. You may slip and fall but get back up and move forward if you do. And give yourself credit for the strength it takes to not only recognize your problems but to do something about it. You have done something that takes others decades longer to do. Good luck in your journey.
  7. Pedigree

    Pedigree Active Member

    Give it a few weeks. Your body's not used to going to sleep with more fuel still left in the tank. All part of the process, man.
  8. jerome554

    jerome554 New Member

    Keep up the good work.
  9. ns32

    ns32 New Member


    Your quote of "Pictures of girls are not real girls. Stop training yourself to live in the imaginary." Very true words - very good advice.
  10. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Thanks for the kind words, guys :) I now feel responsibility not before myself only, but in general too, to not to disappoint you all.

    One does not simply sleep normally after months of night stalking, lol. It's a very important observation in general, by the way, in the days when I was busy all day long and went home tired I slept as a baby and often felt more energetic and rested in the morning. Seems like if you try rest where some "battery charge" left, the body responds with "WTF?" and don't know what to do and thus you feel worse in the end.

    Give it a few weeks.
    Interesting moment, too. Not sure if it's an influence of abstinantion or simply the biased attitude/optimism because of this new ideas and possible perspectives, but the walk indeed felt much better than usual despite of the fact that I was alone (while alone, always muuuuch less confident and more self-conscious). Also the music felt great, had nearly a mind-orgasm one moment (but I'm rather sensitive to it at all times too).

    I somehow sad that my last attempt failed "softly", not a binge. Usually it'd be a couple days of fapping ten times a day, now it only was the one mind-shattering O. Why do I feel sad, you ask? Simple, not a clear start, so I'm unable to clearly track changes in my state and say which of them was caused by celibate. Also not very settlet yet with the thought that abstain from PMO should be permanent so those observations, even been made, simple won't have any practical sense...

    Yeah, remembered the common implication that "98% of men masturbate and former 2% simply doesn't admit it" and the thought flashed: "Fuuck, if it's true, then it means that I'm stronger than the rest of the world in some way?". Quite unfamilliar with this kind of thinking yet...

    What if the girls and situations imagined are real ones (talking about fantasies mostly)? I think there can be some compromise. From what I've studied about psychology and motivation, visualization may be a very powerful tool to induce drive and motivation to pursue something, as well as training of mind which allows it to adapt for the upcoming situations. I decided to feel free to fantacise, but with three conditions:
    [list type=decimal]
    [*]When it's not the scenario depicted in porn
    [*]It's niether good nor bad until it begin to cause too much pleasure and thus cravings for more.
    [*]When it won't lead to relapse.
    Simply given, all OK until does not affect the faulty circiuts in the brain.

    Uhhh, surprisingly talkative today, lol :) Feel free to ask any questions, I'm very glad to have conversations with the same-minded public :)

    Status update. Almost forgot about actual journaling. Gave in to nap, so will stay up this night too, probaly. Done some stuff from my list (not much, but I'm more energetic at evenings usually, so it's only the beginning), done some stuff from my habits development. After this post's posted I'll do some more, if you're interested, I can write here what exactly I'm trying to develop, maybe some stuff will be useful for someone. Feel quite energetic and high, some light sexual hunger's present, but more in pure physical sense than in psychological, so it's easily manageble. Also prevents from crossing the legs too much, lol.

    P.S. Does anyone find that it's very easier to make jounaling for someone than for yourself? How do you deal with it? I'm journaling from the beginning of the year, and always found that I have much to tell my friends about me but very little to tell myself.
  11. jerome554

    jerome554 New Member

    Buddy, we're on this forum because pictures of girls have NOT helped us achieve our potential.
  12. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    No-no-no, I talked about fantasies in that post. Sorry, I initially misunderstood it a bit (focused on word "imaginary" and sticked to that, ignoring the rest), so it was... Situation with pictures/video is clear, I completely agree with you :) Real ones better...

    About them then :) Was shlightly disappointed that there were very few nice girls while I walked, but that's the season, frequent rains, gloomy sunless weather, no one wants to hang in there. Tried to make eye-contact with few who was there, but with no avail, they almost completely ignored me. Doesn't feel bad about that, though.
  13. jerome554

    jerome554 New Member

    And you ignored them. It's a two way street my man.

    You're still giving women all the power, whereas in reality it's shared 50/50.
  14. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Yes. Feeling fear yet.
  15. jerome554

    jerome554 New Member

    What do you mean?
  16. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Feeling afraid to approach girls :)
  17. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Sort of slipped off the time. It was just the beginning of evening, then SUDDENLY 1AM. WTF, where did all those hours go? Thinking what to do next. There's plenty but unable to decide what should be the first, lol. Do you experience this kind of problem? How do you cope with it?
  18. jerome554

    jerome554 New Member

    You don't have a problem, you just don't have anything to do.

    Work, hobbies, sport, friends, much?
  19. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Have many things to do this very moment, just generally lack the drive for them. Dumbed pleasure respond, discovered it about year ago when was whining to friends about "I have much to do but don't see any value in it and so don't want to commit to it". Mainly this is the reason I decided to begin a reboot...

    Doesn't have a job yet, but I'm participating in some project and recently received a freelance offer (maybe it's still valid, didn't replied yet).
    Hobbies... Seems like I haven't at the moment, but there're some options.
    Sports — push-ups only now. Don't like it in general. But if some of the "benefits" will kick in, I guess I will start to commit to it too.
    Doesn't have many friends but hanging out sometimes. But it's a tight closed social circle, so no new people (girls?) in there.

    I'll send this post and start to go through my to-do list. Just stating to strenghten the intent :)
  20. InsideOut

    InsideOut Guest

    Day 5

    Woke up very late. Extreme mind fog, no energy, no desires, nothing. Exercising didn't help. Just read articles in the web and this forum all day. FUCKING FIX THE SLEEP TIME, it is the biggest problem by now.

    I want to share my list of habits I currently trying to develop, maybe someone will adopt some:
    • Read a book. I love reading, but often forget about it.
    • Brush teeth twice a day. Self-explanatory. I am a cave-troll sometimes.
    • Do 90 push-ups. My excercise. Not 90 in a row, 3x30.
    • Get up earlier than 11am. See above.
    • Go walk. Less anxiety, more health, nice girls outside and so on.
    • Listen to music. Helps me to set up the mood and entertainment in some way.
    • Meditate. Calm the mind, improve integrity, emanate ideas.
    • No fap. The reason why I'm here.
    • Zen Habits. Very nice set of advices to live more conscious and slowly. Read one article daily and try to practice it.

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