Here I am... Feel rather shy to express such a delicate topics to strangers in the Internet, but I'll give it a try though. I prefer to remain anonymous, so please don't be upset with that. Also be warned that English is my second so there will be mistakes and strange phrases and such. Synopsis Basics: 20, male, complete virgin, nerd, no constant job, living with parents. Let me begin from the beginning. It all has started when I was 11 years old. One day I suddenly realised a sexual desire in me. I was quite educated in such questions and already knew what it is exactly, so I immideately started fapping. Slipped to a porn from almost the first "session", that was my parents' discs. I was in some degree shy with girls since I remember myself and not really interested in them. When my sexuality kicked in I wasn't become interested too, I was just content with masturbation for a few years and never figured that there're some other possibilities of sexual interations. It just wasn't needed. That was that until I turned 14. In that moment I realised that I. want. a. girl. So I started to lurk the web and ICQ search for possible mates. I was already very shy and anxious, so real-world interactions wasn't an option and wasn't even considered. I found some girl in ICQ and, covered with cold sweat, began to chat with her. It was fun and pleasurable, but I was afraid to ask her out so it was dead end. We has conversations for many years, though. That, probably, set up a direction of my further experiences. I won't take much of your time uncovering all my whole life, just a few facts: Chatted many (more than hundred, then I stopped counting) girls in the web. Fell in love (or, better, into severe attraction) for some of then, but with no significant outcome. Went for a few "dates" which yielded nothing and was rather shitty as I see them now (thanks to anxiety and fears) Surprisingly, began conversations in real life couple of times. Don't know how I managed to do that... One year had fun taking photos of girls. Now I realise that I had some opportunities to start relationships (they were friendly to me and some even openly told that they like me) if I put some effort and courage, but failed all of them. In last couple of years had some friendly hugs and sleepovers (no sex, in one case was something like "gentle intercourse", but led to nothing), but no real opportunities though. Physique Skinny. Weak. Rather often was described as cute. Didn't interested in sports ever and suck at this. But cycled for some years, so rather nice legs, lol. Psyche Here I describe my average state for the most of my life. Further explanation below. Unstable. Often feel anxious and shy, but sometimes feel rather confident. Suffered from depressions, loneliness and such, but last years it got better. Extremely uncomfortable with girls that I like, but feel OK around girls if I don't want them despite of their attractiveness and character. Have no major goals nor purpose in life. Totally unmotivated, lazy. Often irritated and pessimistic. Little empathy, sarcasm. Escapism (and always was, books, then games, then Internet or merely fantasies). Very little self-confidence in most cases, whiny. Attention- and approval-seeking behaviour (sometimes extreme). Inability to make decisions. Fear change, embarassment, failure, risk and efforts (this very sad 'cause I have some ideas to implement). Low desire to socialse. Current state Addiction (fap & porn) Watching hardcore from the very beginning. Experienced escalating in taste: regular porn at the beginning, then lesbian, teen, then BDSM. Some time ago stepped back and began to like more soft things with cuddling and kissing. Relating this to psychologigal loneliness. Fantasies also present and almost as pleasurable as video. Stories as well (funny fact that the only one story triggered my BDSM tastes, it all has begun from that story). Was a huge fan of virtual sex and was quite good at it (one girl admitted that she orgasmed five times during our "intercourse"). Often I preferred it even before porn. Fap frequency ranges widely from 1 per week to 10 times per day. If I'm interested in something, may forgot to do this for weeks and then only do release tension. But most times feel urge to watch porn, so the addiction is likely present. Fapping hard and sometimes harmful. This relates to desensitization as I learned. Libido and orgasms strong (in some cases almost unbearable, lol). Attempts to recover Periodically I gave up PMO to spice things up and induce some novelty. In some cases noticed positive shifts, in some cases note. When there was any, it was like this: More positive bias (even up to smiling to myself). Increased confidence (not that much to approach girls though). Began to prefer real girls more than depicted and appreciate them accordingly. But sometimes I saw them aesthetically rather than sexually within PMO binges too. Strong and constant libido. Shifted into "real" too, there was moments when I almost grabbed or bumped into them intentionally. More looks from both sides of the front. Eye-contact and such. Even something that I tend to call "eye-flirting": secretly gazing each others' reflections, fast sights and such. Sometimes I thought that they follow me (maybe this merely anxiety/paranoia talking). But there was never a goal to get rid of PMO completely since I always feared "real" things to an extent of paralysis. And it never last more than 1-2 weeks. Maximums was 2-3 weeks when I was deeply interested in something (I'm coder and trains addict). I noticed the positives but never appreciated them as something worth to pursue. The Last Strike™ Last year I was aware of my problems: there was periods when I was extremely unhappy and thought about suicide. Visited therapist once, it was great, but I wasn't able to afford it. I developed retrospection and analysis, began to read books (K. Horney, E. Fromm, R.A. Wilson and so on) and it lasted for some years. I didn't change my life in any significant way. I missed a dozen of great opportunities in all areas of life. But I became aware of myself and drives of others and became more peaceful with myself. In last 12 months depressions and extreme-to-crying-and-nausea loneliness almost ceased. Only experience hard, but short shots when I lie in bed for some days and then recover. But the life in general didn't improve in any way: I have no job (and don't want to search for it), live with parents and don't know what I want and what to do with myself. Last months I got into the university (wasn't my own decision though), fell in love with girl, got rejected (but we're still friends and it stopped to hurt) and, surprisingly, was happy for couple of months despite of that. And I finally understood that my state is almost exclusively depend only on myself. But (you can guess) it didn't triggered my catharsis either. I still have no motivation. Then I suddenly bumped into YBOP. I studied psychology and neuroscience as amateur for some time, so its main conception just the spot. Suddenly most of the pieces of the puzzle stood in place. It may be my perception blinded with shine of the new elegant idea (that happened a few times, I bumped into theories that promised to explain my struggles), but decided to give it a try. Not to do something (PMO in this case) is generally easier than to do something like exposing to fears, CBT, changing self-talk etc. So here I am. Goals and intent Here they are: Get rid of desensitization. I realised earlier that I have no drive to do things nor pleasure from achievements. The desensitization concept fits in and doesn't contrast with my previous knowledge so I consider it as a clear shot. That's the main thing. I hope it'll give me the drive to live. If not, I'd better sell all my stuff and spend money on therapists or drugs. I ran out of other options, to be honest. Cease the addiction to "binges" and cheap ways to pump up the limbic system. Correlates with the first, but it have more general affections — I'm unable to pursue goals in any way distant. Also I hardly connect rewards with efforts, so have no motivation to do things (connects with former). Integrate myself. I want to find my purpose, determine what makes me happy, get it and be in all ways content and in love with myself. Get a girlfriend. Girls are fucking nice. I was told that the whole deal with them is extremely fun, exciting and pleasing unless you got dumped and cheated on. Experience. For any outcome, it will be insightful and exciting (by all means, lol) experiment. The goal is stardard 90 days (and some milestones in between to keep me motivated and to track the progress). Then it will become open-date and I'll abstain from PMO as long as I can stand. If I find a girl, there'll be no need for PMO anyway. At first I'll strictly avoid any kind of porn and erotic. But no rush-hurry-up-closing-browser-tabs if some picture will pop up, it's pathetic. After stepping on a flatline I'll probably make a few glimpses over non-erotic pics (if won't find someone until that moment, of course). Not for the sake of tests (I'm sure that my libido won't break under any circumstances) or some kind of "last chance", just to keep me interested in girls. Otherwise, I may tend to "rewoke how it was" and the relapse is very likely. And I just like being horny. But the real persons are preferred, of course. After 90 days, if the rewiring will go well and desensitizations subsede, I'll return rare M to drop the excess steam and decrease the probablility of binge (if there is need). If won't find someone until that, again. That's the plan for now. I hope I will experience the described benefits and it's likely will occur (judging by past experiences). If my maxima will be satisfied I'll acquire the drive and surge for living I lacked for the most of my conscious life. That will be very nice Teh Arsenal Tools of the trade. Some skills that I possess now and that may be useful: Excercise. As I mentioned, I alwayes hated sports. But now I forcefully do push-ups. I want to get some "man tits" (lol) to become more attractive in general and to strenghten my back (I'm rather slouching now). I intent to adopt "One hundred push-ups" program (thanks for advice on that). Meditation. Finally, I started to get pleasure and calmness from this. Helps to prevent unwanted thoughts (pr0n) and slow down the mind. Keep my hands and mind busy so they won't occasionally slip into pants. Actually doing something. Very fearful. This forum. The size of this post indicates that I lack expression of myself and, probably, support. Don't get wrong, though, I'm not begging for attention and such. This whole will probably be translated to my native language and put into diary. Thanks for your attention I hope that my post will be interesting, inspirational or useful in some other mean to someone. P.S. Also, for its title. I like Portal (obviously) and I find something from Dao in the conception of phantom cake. You devote yourself to pursue your reward, the cake, but since it's only the imagination this goal can not be achieved and the journey towards it become the reward itself. If you accept and embrace it. UPD: Some changes applied to represent the current situation.