The Apuleius Chronicle

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Apuleius, Aug 4, 2013.

  1. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Hi Cosmo,

    Welcome to the forum. I suppose you are well intended in your entry here. I think, however, you have overlooked a few things. First, my journal has always and only been a place where I am brutally self-honest, a place for soul-searching reflection and process. Of all my faults, denial is not one of them. I am a pornography and arousal addict. Read from the beginning and you will see that I have made no attempt to hide that. I have merely brought to the table of critical scrutiny how best to address the addiction. Second, I have a rather protracted history with several of the members here, those who have in my view misused the forum in order to import their own conservative attitudes regarding sexuality. I cannot blame them for this, except inasmuch as their tenets have overridden the basic scientific/phenomenological orientation and principles of the site as set down at YBoP. Make no mistake. They are not trying to help me. They are trying to beat me into compliance. They only show up like this (confrontational, insisting on something being wrong with me, denigrating my space) when I have only a few days or hours after a relapse. This is another aspect of the diseased sociology here: respect from many members correlates with counter time. This is all quite childish.

    I wish you all wisdom and good fortune in your recovery, cosmo. Not all here are like this. Some of us truly do care.

    Peace, brother.
  2. Freethinker

    Freethinker Guest


    Your journal is certainly controversial with all of the debates. Please consider this an extending of the olive branch from one of the lowly members of the herd. I didn't mean to "pile on" with my last post and I'm not really here to fight anyone's battles. You have actually made a few thoughtful entries in my journal that I really didn't acknowledge at the time. I apologize for that.

    I'm okay with believing that none of us really have a lock on any kind of objective "truth". I don't have the energy or desire to argue that point with anyone here. I'm sure that yours and my beliefs in the nature of existence are probably similar. The main difference between us is that I don't care if anyone believes as I do and would not judge them for doing so. I simply don't require that they see things my way, therefore I won't debate them. It's wasted energy for me. I need my energy to move along my own path of reaching my goals.

    I don't believe anyone here views "anti-intelligence" as a virtue. You intimated that in one of your comments. You're certainly entitled to view us all as an ignorant rabble. I view us all as people of varying opinions and life experiences who are trying to move away from a destructive life of addiction to PMO. We come here to make cyber-friends and to support each other, without undo judgement. It's one big sandbox and I'm not trying to kick sand in your face, okay?

    I know you have us all in a big, giant mental Petri dish as you study the sociology of the herd here. I'm sure you're quite amused at times. Here's my feeling: I'm happy to be a member of the herd. The herd has some people with noble intentions and a helper's heart. I came here to find a herd that would accept me. Even if just a few of the herd bother with me, that's fine. So, the herd is good, IMHO.

    I don't want to treat you like a pariah. Others may. That's their choice. I want for you the same thing I want for everyone here; for you to find your path to contentment and even to be able to follow your bliss.
  3. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    I extend back the hand of friendship, FT. I've always held a genuine respect for you and your letter strengthens that. You may be surprised to learn that there are very few here at YBR for whom I have no respect whatsoever. Even those who have posted unfriendly words of late, I respect. I am a pariah. I choose this disposition for myself. I understand that most others, you included, will scarcely join me in this, applaud, or appreciate. I am comfortable with that.

    You are correct. This damn addiction is a factory of suffering and torment. There is no value in us here harming one another further. We all share a horrible, socially abhorrent malady and a courageous will to find recovery. That is enough to make us all brothers, regardless of anything that may distinguish us.
  4. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    I'm feeling my hormones beginning to jump today. Catching myself fantasizing here and there, mostly nothing specific to any person nor to a P scene. The thought of P has been a bit unappetizing the last few days, but I know by endless experience ad nauseam that this appetite can return powerfully without much notice. Part of the addictive cycle, however, is to worry about that and thus add to the tension. P only seems so appealing to the addict just following a difficult mental/emotional state. P-use is a cheap salve, a mood, mind-altering activity, a potent cathartic vice. I cannot trust any resolutions I may make. I have broken them thousands upon thousands of times. When the obsession hits, I cannot bring to bear with sufficient force my many reasons for abstaining. My rational defenses are all but useless in those instances. When I relax, rather than fight, however, oftentimes contrary sentiments arise, and I am able to let the obsession soften and pass. The first three weeks of withdrawals are madness. One must just get past them by whatever means necessary.
  5. Zyrock

    Zyrock New Member

    One of the most painful things an addict can experience is the agonizing pain of suffering from withdrawal from the addiction and seeing a fellow addict suffer through withdrawal. I was just thinking how important it is for an addict/ alcoholic to work with newcomers because we have to give it away in order to remind myself what is true from the lies. I have one side of my brain that makes shot up and the other side that says "yeah, I'll buy that shit".
  6. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Doing okay today walking the metaphorical dog. I've been unhappy with withdrawals and sexual unfulfillment. As I see it, I am for now unhappy either way, whether I abstain from P or not, so I may as well be an unhappy gentleman rather than an unhappy porn junkie. I choose the path of excellence by my frontal cortex maintaining the upper-hand.
  7. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Well put Apu. I shall endeavour to be, if nothing else, at least an unhappy gentleman from here on!
  8. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Apuleius, I do like your writing, cheers to us unhappy gentlemen...
  9. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    A fascinating article and quite in line with many of the thoughts I have expressed here regarding the relationship between religion and pornography addiction:
  10. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Hear, hear, Beowulf !

    I recall by experience, however, that the unhappiness of it all softens considerably after three weeks. Until then, may our minds find unexpected solace and rest.
  11. imout

    imout Active Member

    After you pointed out on Midges thread how in your estimate only 1-5% of members here are actually succeeding I reread my own thread all the way back to May. Although I did this for a different reason I noticed something. There were MANY members commenting on my thread who were now identified as "guests", meaning they had cancelled their membership, most of them never reached any decent counter reading. On top of that there were many midfield (going by the counter) members who have not posted for a long time, missing in action or inaction.

    It confirmed my previous disappointment that so many newbies here give up so quickly. I dont believe for one minute that they are all happily PMO-free. ( some may, but not the majority).
    Although I dont see it as pessimistic as you , because many here are well on their way but relapse every now and then but not significantly, I do agree that the forum as such isnt enough for many here.

    I have attended SLAA meetings from day one; therapy, books, big coming out in my peer group. Recently a non-topical men's group. My own progress is based on all this combined. I believe in the 12 step principle although the christian infiltration in the steps and all other writing of SLAA really offends me. I ignore it and stick with the core of the program.

    I do agree with you that YBR needs a guidline for newbies - and oldies. I dont think Im the one to initiate it. How would it be done. By discussion and in conjunction with a professional? No idea.

    I simply want to say I agree with you.
  12. Mart71

    Mart71 Guest

    Apuleius has left the building? That's pretty sad - come back, man!
  13. Freethinker

    Freethinker Guest


    As someone who got disgusted and left the forum over the holidays, let me say that, in retrospect, it didn't help my situation. I'm not sure where you are in regards to PMO'ing presently, but I would suggest you come back, start a spreadsheet to track "true" levels of progress, and try not to present yourself as such a malcontent with regards to how things "work" at YBR.

    We all want to make progress. You told me that you like the label of "pariah". I truly don't believe that. Who want's to wear that label as a badge of honor. Get over yourself and your sense of 'high intelligence" and jump back into the sandbox. I don't think anybody wants to kick sand in your face here. I think Midge said it best in a recent post regarding what we should strive for by participating here:

    Re: MIDGE's journal
    « Reply #1096 on: February 24, 2014, 02:16:00 PM »

    "Participation in the forum--encouraging, hopeful, grateful camaraderie--is the way to go here. We each have to individually find, or forge, our own path out of the woods, and in my view the best we can do for each other is to be a positive sounding board. Share what we learn, share our results, and do our best not to get too awfully dogmatic about the "best" or the "right" way to do this."

    Your problem here is you like to argue and push buttons. You need to read some Dale Carnagie, dude. ;)

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