The addict in the tunnel

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by th3f00l, Apr 22, 2012.

  1. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    Well here I am. 27 years old, started watching P in the fourth grade, and for the first time I openly say, "i am an addict. It strated with late night cinemax, the Internet came along, and I was soon M almost every day. At no time did I live without P in my life, always suffering social anxiety, especially with girls. I spent years fixated on sex, and unable to be romantic, because there was only one purpose I found from women.

    The progression of my addiction lead me to seek out genres of P that I had no natural interest in. The shame and guilt I felt from this drove me into absolute secrecy. I knew anyone who knew what I did in privacy would hate me, and was never able to confide in my SO.

    After few lasting relationships, I met a wonderful girl, fell in love. We moved away together and both knew that we would be getting married (she would have said yes if I had a ring by now). The initial optimism I had from the relationship helped me curb my addiction, reduce the ammount of time I spent with P, and refrain from the more deviant genres.

    Then, my addiction gained a head of steam. I acted out everytime I was alone, when I was at work, when my SO was asleep in the other room, just about every chance I had. I was covering my tracks using privacy settings on my browser, clearing the history on my phone, and not keeping any of the more questionable stuff on my computer.I got sloppy, and more active, sometimes forgetting to turn privacy on. She found some disturbing search terms on my phone. Then at home she found hidden camera recordings I made of girls at work, and some very deviant sites in my browser history. I ignored my problems, and let the progression of my addiction take a dark turn on its way to illegal content. I have seen illegal content in the past, but was able to decidedly stay away.

    Finally, someone had discovered the extent of my affliction. Only now, after admitting to her (and through that myself) that I have a problem, do I realize how it has impacted my life. Because she is wonderful, she has agreed to work through this if I put in the effort. I am not proud of what I have done, and I don't have a natural attraction to the things I started searching for. So here I go, finally on the path to recovery. The couch is where I sleep, and physical contact is off the table for the time. I looked up SAA in my area, and contacted a counselor, though without insurance it will be hard to see one regularly. I will try and check in here, to keep myself accountable.

    She is so wonderful, and committed to our relationship that she has agreed to try as long as I do. So here I am.
     
  2. Yogi

    Yogi New Member

    Hi Th3fool,

    welcome to the forum!!

    It feels a little strange to say that as I only joined this forum four days ago...

    congratulate yourself! You have embarked on a new journey. As I did a couple of days ago (I am now in day 3 of my reboot). I can assure you that writing here really helps to keep you focussed.

    Maybe you could share a little more of yourself and your addiction? That would make it easier for us to relate to you and support you.

    Anyway, thanks for joining!

    Yogi.
     
  3. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey,

    hang in there buddy, we can do this together. ;)

    What are your reasons to quitting PMO, why you want to quit?
     
  4. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    Well, I thought about coming in here and lying to all of you people. Unfortunately the only success that I am having today is to be honest with a bunch of total-stranger-recovering-porn-addicts online, the sad thing is that for me... that might actually be an improvement.

    Day 1 will have to be tomorrow. I just couldn't get that one video out of my head. I worked out today, tried to stay busy. I watched some hockey, but as soon as the game ended...

    My SO went to go study with a friend, leaving me at home alone. That has been one of my major times acting out. I tried to justify this by telling myself,"just find that one video and get it out of your system, or you won't be able to stop thinking about it." my addiction talking ,"Just this one time." "Start tomorrow."

    I don't know if the first day is the hardest, just because you haven't experienced the satisfaction of at least some success. I just know that to me it seems so final. There is that part of me on the inside that doesn't want to give this up and will convince me that it is worth one last "hoorah", what do I have to lose without having even abstained for a day? I feel so pathetic having to try this hard just to be able to write a post that says "day 1" in bold letters at the top.

    Tomorrow is the SAA meeting. I feel nervous about that. On one hand, I'm afraid of the type of people that will be there; on the other hand, I'm worried that I will be the worst person there. In any case, between work and going to the meeting and my SO being home all night after that, I should at least be able to come here and post something other than failure.

    I apologize to everyone who reads this, that I am not able to be a more inspiring person. I will need to get my strength heavily from others now, so hopefully I will have enough to pass on later.
     
  5. forevergone

    forevergone New Member

    hey man were all in this together, please give the details to what they say in the SAA meeting! thanks bro

    stay strong.
     
  6. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    day 1

    I completed one day. I never was fully aware how much this addiction has hindered me at work. Usually on Mondays I acted out before work, making me behind schedule. Then, I would rush home for my break, not only leaving work undone, but being late coming back.

    This week I am going to avoid coming home during my break, because I have a lot of habitual tendencies with that.

    The SAA meeting was today. The structure was pretty similar to AA and AlAnon. It was nice to see people face to face and hear how they are dealing with recovery. It is also different sharing my story in person, it doesn't have the same disconnectedness as writing here. There were a few people there that looked the part, but for the most part just some regular dudes (no girls at this meeting, I don't know if that is typical, that women avoid these things, or just aren't as afflicted with SA as males). Hopefully the Wednesday meeting has more younger people. I was the youngest person there and that makes it harder for me to relate with the others.

    That's it for now.
     
  7. Yogi

    Yogi New Member

    Hi Thr3fool

    Congratulations! You completed one day!
    And it's great that you are so honest about yourself, I can assure you that this is very healing, even if it is painful.
    It sounds like you are starting to see how badly this addiction has damaged you and your life.

    Keep it up brother
     
  8. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    day 2

    Just wanted to say today was successful. Had some pretty powerful triggers. I'll add more about that tomorrow. It's pretty late gotta kick in.
     
  9. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    So just to update yesterday.

    It was actually a pretty rough day. The first part of it was tough not sexualizing and gawking at every girl on the street (this is a college town, so there a lot of triggers in the foot traffic). Then, I got really angry at work while reading an article from a guy who argued against the existence of our affliction. After that, I was reading another article more specific to issues I am having. I read some of the comments and one of them was practically an erotic story. I was so triggered. My heart was racing, blood pumping. I had a strong urge to run to the bathroom and take care of it. Hell, I had an urge to do it right there. Not being used to resisting these types of things, I never realized that your pulse rate can stay up for a couple hours after being triggered. I learned that music helps. It may be a tactic of distraction, but if I'm obsessing and not confronting my issues, maybe a distraction is good. In silence the obsessive thoughts are loud. Also, hearing the voice of a person (singer) kind of reminds me of reality, the place where my fantasies can't exist.
     
  10. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    day 3

    I'm currently working through day four, but I didn't make an entry for yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. My girlfriend kissed me again. We also signed a 1 year lease extension on our apartment. We were looking at houses before, but talks of getting married, buying a house, and having kids have come to a halt.

    I went to my second SAA meeting. They passed around a chip and everyone said a prayer on it, then they gave it to me. I was really moved by this, I even had tears in my eyes. I don't cry either. The only time I have cried in the past 2 years was when I finally admitted to my girlfriend the nature of my wrongs (no tears in my eyes while denying them).

    The only trigger I found was reading something a man's girlfriend wrote where she listed the website he visited. I hadn't heard of it before, and I had a slight inclination to do so. It was a small victory, but I'll take it.
     
  11. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    Congrats on entering Day 4!

    And maybe expect even more emotional experiences like you've been having. I've found that emotions are a part of the real world that I previously closed myself off to with PMO.
     
  12. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    day 4-5

    I'm in my sixth day no PMO. Last night was frustrating for me. I went out to eat with my SO. At dinner we had mussels, crab legs, and oysters. She was getting pretty frisky at the restaurant, which caused some mild hope that something would happen when we got home. I was able to lay next to her on the ground, but that was about it. She just let me start sleeping in the bed again a couple of days ago, so maybe it was too much to hope for that we would become intimate again so quickly. She wants to,"rebuild our emotional connection." I know that I need to give her that time after what she saw, and what I have done. It is just very frustrating. Normally, if I was horny and she wasn't feeling it I could just go take care of myself. Right now that is not a part of my recovery plan. I think the hardest part is that my feelings for her haven't change; if anything, they have gotten stronger because of the way that she has stayed with me to work through this. For her it is a different story though. I have no idea what to do, because sex has always been so important to me (to the point where I have pressured my girlfriends to have sex with me when they didn't want to, and gotten angry if they didn't). I know that is a middle circle behavior for me right now, and I will eventually move it into my inner circle, but that glimpse of future me isn't helping present me get through this. This is the longest that I have gone without cleaning my pipes and I'm afraid that I am taking the small amount of intimacy that I am getting for granted, because of my strong sexual desire. The ED thing never effected me, I used to joke that a slight breeze could get me up. Now almost any contact with my SO is causing the blood to flow down there. I had an incident at the gym the other day where I was showing through my gym shorts, thank god we were the only ones there.

    It is getting easier not to gawk at everything with legs, a butt, or pair of boobs on the street. At first it was really hard not to look, now I still have to make a conscious effort, but it is not as much of a fight just to keep my eyes on the road. I haven't had any serious urges to act out. Just thoughts about it. I have had no thoughts about the deviant content that I had gotten into, it helps reaffirm my hopes that the kind of stuff I was looking at wasn't who I really am.
     
  13. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    day 6-8

    I'm really only writing because I haven't in a few days. Though I doubt there is anyone on the edge of their seats wondering if I made it past that 1 week milestone, I'm here to say that I did. I feel no sense of accomplishment, no noticeable positive repercussions, and overall... I feel like crap. I'm depressed and anxious. There is a dark cloud following me, emitting just enough moisture to cause a slow, steady, silent, drab and dreary mood. I am literally sitting around journaling about how sad I am. Now I'm that guy. Awesome.
     
  14. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    Hang in there buddy you're making progress and you have a woman that knows about your problems and wants to help. You're already light years ahead of most PMO addicts.
     
  15. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    day 9-11

    I'm in a much better mood today. There are many contributing factors to that. One, today was my last day at work, although there is the impending stress of the job hunt, it feels good to have this chapter closed. Two, I am en route to a vacation on the sunny beaches of Florida.

    triggering

    And the best almost always comes last, my girlfriend and I had amazing sex last night. The amazing part was all of the sensations leading up to penetration. It started as a candle lit massage and things just took a course from there, it was so natural, and I was so focused. The actual intercourse was slow, and not very long. My orgasm was very intense though. Then afterwards, it felt good just to be in the moment, and I rested inside her for a while, I was still very hard. It isnt often that I have felt so in the moment. As long as I stay the course I feel like my definition of sexual intimacy will undergo significant change.
     
  16. liveinthenow

    liveinthenow New Member

    So many congratulations!!!! Well done ;D
     
  17. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    day 12-21

    I'm feeling it pretty bad today. I realize that my overactive fantasies are a tool that the addict is using against me. After spending a week in Florida I became obsessed with one trigger that I saw on the beach. I am alone at home right now and fighting the desire to start searching for pictures to help me with the fantasy I keep concocting in my brain. Looking at P would definitely lead me to M. I'm getting that racing feeling and anxiety. I'm trying to wait out the storm, and not succumb. It just seems so easy to do right now. I know that I should call some people from SA, especially because I didn't go to any meetings last week. I guess I haven't picked up the phone because I am still deciding if I want to act out or not. I might try playing video games, I'm gonna play some music because that helped last time. I feel like it is almost pointless to make a phone call, because that in and of itself will be the decision not to act out. Once I decide I am not going to act out then I won't, but right now I am struggling to make that choice.
     
  18. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    Get out of the house!

    The danger is in the house!
     
  19. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    I failed. Back to day 1 for me.
     
  20. th3f00l

    th3f00l New Member

    Day 1

    I'm coming at this from a different angle this time. My first attempt I only counted the day after it was over, after the motto "don't count your chickens...". This time I am going to count the day that is in progress. It's my way of coming here and telling myself and all of you today I will not P or M. Today I will remain abstinent from unhealthy sexual behaviors, and use my tools of recovery to do so. Thank you all for your continued support.
     

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