Thankful for a Fresh Start

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by LTE, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    LTE

    How are you? I need some advice from an experienced rebooter. I keep slipping constantly. I am going to the gym after work, trying to build a life for myself. I can't seem to get that resolve to make it the long run again. I made 140 days on my last reboot. There has been lots of progress, but I am relapsing every week to two weeks. I get lots of negative thoughts, especially around women in relation to myself. I feel worthless and this drives me to PMO later. The pain is often unbearable. Do you have anything that I can use, or think about, that could help push me to where I want to be?
     
  2. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks for this by the way. I've noticed that most of my success have come being in control. Not trying to control or force the urge to go away, but by simply choosing not to engage it.
     
  3. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    IMHO, there are two elements to this process. The physical addiction process and the behavioral process.

    Addiction

    IMO, this is actually the easiest thing to break. Abstain and the addiction will subside. The first month is the hardest, most of the bad stuff is behind you at 90 days.

    Behavior

    Porn itself can cause addiction, but there is a reason you sought porn in the first place, and this is behavioral element of the problem. Probably the biggest change in my behavior is that I no longer want what porn offers. The idea of seeing strangers acting out sex on screen is no longer appealing. I can only surmise why I sought it in the past, but I think that I envied the sexual freedom portrayed. I no longer feel this way.

    Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame by George Collins, really helped me with regard to this aspect of the problem.

    You are on the right track, IMHO.
     
  4. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks for your reply. I noticed the book and was about look into it.

    One more question:
    When you are or were in the heat of the moment and the thought of masturbating, porn, or maybe a certain keyword was overwhelming what did you do to overcome that moment? My focus becomes so narrow I can't see anything, but satisfying the craving.

    I can relate to envying sexual freedom, and from the small bits of your journal, your religious mother as well. I believe in having one partner, but I crave having sex with multiple women. It's a duality that contradicts itself. Confronting this is often very difficult and I would sometimes, rather, not think about it.

    It's true. I crave connection more than sex. Sex is just heroin, pain killer.

    I think my problem lies with my belief that NO woman would ever want me as a partner, or see me as desirable. It's like believing that I will never make a connection so the only option is just sex. I don't even get that, so it's just sex with self. Sex with a screen. It's an escape from having to deal with that reality being a possibility. I have facial scars from years of acne so it's easy to justify, not to mention rejection is inevitable, so when I do get rejection that reality is only reinforced and seems more likely.

    I am scared of connection. My heart sinks when this guy talks to the girls at work and they are laughing or being silly at work. I feel like a sad, hopeless case right now. Thanks for being here even at 850+ days. It's good to see others making it and encouraging others to make the leap. This cause needs to be justified. You validate it for me, and I'm sure countless others.
     
  5. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    And also.. thanks for the words of encouragement.
     
  6. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    What you describe, strikes me as an obsession. Here's the deal, the anxiety of an obsession will dissipate of its own if you give it time. Just ride it out. You might look into the methods used for treating OCD.

    The desire for multiple partners has gone away, but it took time. The book will help. The point here is that it's not part of what you truly desire, it's a function of the behavioral problems that go hand in hand with PMO addiction.

    There are women out there that would be happy to find a good man. Build yourself up and you will gain confidence. Acne scars won't ruin your prospects.
     
  7. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks for the book recommendation lte.

    I don't have the money to order the ebook at the moment however I have read through the Google preview and have found it to already have been helpful. I am using the inner dialogue with my addict and it has already helped me today. I had a negative thought when I saw two girls in the street so I confronted my addict. I told him the reasons why I was actually a good catch, a good and interesting man. He had nothing to respond with and instead of feeling bad and getting that sinking feeling in my chest, I felt good!

    Thanks again!

    I will be ordering the book soon and I look forward to putting my addict in the spotlight again.
     
  8. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I think you will do fine in the long run. Keep up the good work.
     
  9. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    I hope you don't mind me jumping in, but I recognised myself here.

    Ace, face your fears. List them - literally write them down. When you shine a light on them they scuttle away like cockroaches.

    I've been dealing with my inner voice - the soul crushing dialogue I inflict on myself when I call myself a loser. I've largely stopped doing this over the past few weeks. I'm not completely there yet, but I'm working hard on changing the message. We create our own reality.

    I'd also like to recommend some reading - the Zen Habits website. In particular the post 25 Killer Actions to Boost Your Self-Confidence

    (With apologies for hijacking your journal, Lte.)
     
  10. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    No worries, WabiSabi, I appreciate your input.
     
  11. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Thanks LTE for your continued inputs. Lately I led myself to believe that MO was fine and it's a normal part of sexually healthy person's life. But when I looked at the things more closely it became clear that we can have more socially enriching life without incorporating MO in our habits. Thanks again for your positive insights.
     
  12. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Congrats Sir on mammoth achievement of 900 days. Wish you great time ahead.
     
  13. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    It's just a number. Much, much more important is working to improve attitudes and better ways to deal with anxiety.
     
  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    +1

    But still an accomplishment.
     
  15. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    It is more than just a number LTE. Congratulations on turning your life around, and a huge thank you for all you've done, and are still doing for the people on here.
     
  16. It does appear as just a number, however it's a quantifiable measure of a change of perspective that occurred.

    While my own number serves more as a baseline at this point, as I've had 3 notable lapses since then, my thoughts on counters at this point is that they merely (or mirror-ly) reflect what efforts we are truly making/not-making on changing our attitudes, and in learning how to deal better with anxiety, as you said.

    Blessings on being an example, and courageously facing yourself down.
     
  17. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    It's all but impossible to quantify, but the real accomplishment is the change in attitude towards porn, towards women, towards sex.
     
  18. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    LTE, how the hell are you ???!!!!!!
    It's been a while !
    Hope you're good!
     
  19. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Great to hear from you, DD. You are a fine example for all of us. I'm doing pretty well for an old guy. :)
     
  20. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Thank you. Congrats to you.

    I'm sorry I didn't stick around over the past 2 years. I just felt that in order to completely vanquish the demons and be victorious, I needed to break free and move on from this forum for a time.

    I'm living proof that if you stay with it, whether or not you can see the finish line, you WILL get there.

    And let me tell you........it feels like it was all just a bad dream now. I'm not kidding you. I look back, and it feels like
    I read someone's else's nightmare story, rather than lived it myself.

    I've been completely transformed......and I'm 100% convinced that's it's possible........... for EVERYONE
     

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