Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great to hear from you, Billy. We need the likes of you around here. :)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Better here than there, Mate:)
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Onya, fellas, thankyou.

    If I'm a lil' scarce around other parts of the board, please forgive me.

    I'm just simply tryin to focus on staying clean and being productive in my life.

    I've got something to look fwd to (getting my music happenin' more and hopefully some other things) but there are a lot of lil' jobs need doin' still in order to get me there.

    I hope youse are well!

    Love. :)
    40New30, Boxer17 and bobjes like this.
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!


    I had a lil' tickle last night and am not feeling certain I'm quite ready to step back completely.

    My psyche suggested today that I try to use fantasy instead. I explained about the trouble of it being more or less the same thing as far as my wirings concerned (even if it's a 'past experience' I'm jackin' to, it's usually a lil' bit porno, anyway). Then I thought, well, if the alternative is to be using actual porn on the computer, maybe it won't hurt to try that.

    I just need to go gentle on myself and keep workin' the big picture, playin' the long game.

    There's a chance I'll get laid next week! If that happens, and especially if she and I can make it kinda regular, that maybe inspiration for me to 'save it up', if you know what I mean.

    I'm slowly getting better and being mindful around stuff, sitting with discomfort and making healthier decisions.

    Kickin' some goals today.

    Love to yas.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  5. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Sooo good to have you back Billy! Keep trucking mate - and keep leeting us know how things are going. :)
    Billy B. and Boxer17 like this.
  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Glad to see you back! Go easy, one day at a time.
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thankyou, my friends.

    I've still been using again, but reasonably mindfully, I guess.

    I just keep on. Pretty good at kickin' lil' goals the last couple days (as it has been lately).

    So that's good.

    Big busy day with yoga and busking and dinner with my other family (good friends with beaut kids who make my heart go 'sing'). :)

    My intention is to try to stay connected here, keep working active recovery, meditation, mindfulness, etc.

    And to get back to supporting the rest of youse, too, if I can.

    Take care, all.

    Till soon. :)
  8. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Mate it's great to hear you're doing well and just getting on with life. The PMO thing needs to be kept in perspective and if you can just get on with life and keep your consumption to a minimum you'll be stronger when you finally decide to ditch it completely again. I remember your 300 day streak, how you fought through some very hard patches that many of us don't experience, and you came out the other end like a man reborn. I think you're still benefiting from that big streak, that it wrought some permanent changes in your mind and approach. That and a little bit of Pema doesn't hurt, does it? ;)

    When you talk about using mindfully i think once a bloke learns about PMO (has the language to describe what it is they're doing and the brain science behind it) it's almost impossible to go back to using un-mindfully! Bloody Gary Wilson, spoiling all our fun!

    Great to see you back and posting again. See you round!
    bobjes likes this.
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Tell it like it is, yes! :)

    For true all this mindfulness and the lil' bit of meditation is working wonders!

    Hahhaha! Yerp...

    It's good but, ay? Like Pema says, we're still gonna stuff-up so, instead of being surprised or burdened by that (or givin' ourselves hell!), we can just as easily choose to practice being patient and kind with ourselves, and be grateful that we have the awareness to observe it in the first place.

    And we'll get there if we keep practicing. :)

    I hope to be back properly, soon. :)
    A New Man likes this.
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yes, by mindful (in regards to pmo) I mean that I'm keeping it to a minimum, trying to mostly view only reasonably 'realistic' content and noticing if I'm 'going there to avoid feeling something uncomfortable'. Of course, as an addict, I guess, I am avoiding (the discomfort of withdrawal, true), but... I mean, it's only occasionally lately that I've been drawn to it as Avoidance, generally, and often the mindfulness allows me to resist doing so. For the most part it's not getting in the way of the other things I want or need to be getting on with. So that's good.

    I finally got onto a source for some quality organic cannabis. The strain (or cultivar) is called Amnesia and, although high in THC is apparently good for mood disorders. One of the other attributes is apparently 'stay productive' and that seems to be true! I'm vaping it for now, but when I get an Oz I'll cook it up so I can ingest, mostly, instead. Ingestion has a few benefits for me including that I can regulate and reduce my average dose. It also comes on slow and tapers off gradually so that I don't get that crash which people call 'the munchies' but which is really just a craving for more pot... actually, a craving generally which can lead to overeating or pmo or whatever.

    So! I'm learning as I go.

    Things are definitely coming together, generally. I've got the opp to record a couple songs in a studio the next couple weeks, I'll soon be set up at home with everything I need to record amateur stuff at home and to get my website FB etc and get there for get some profile out there and drum up some gigs.

    I'm excited!

    When my computer space is set up properly I wont have to sit at this dodgy spot for typing and hopefully I'll have more impetus to check in on the rest of yas.

    For now I'm just aiming to note here daily - for the purposes of structure.

    Looooooove! :)

    PS Oh! And I'm on to the E-cigs which will save me bikkies and hopefully help me to get off the smokes for good.
  11. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Had the night off, yesterday (no pmo at the end of a big day which has been my pattern)!

    Also had a day of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and vaguely hopeless BUT, through the power of mindfulness was able to observe these feelings with a modicum of non-attachment and carry on, more or less, regardless.

    Pretty good!

    And I feel better this morn.

    More soon, fellas.

    I hope youse are well.

  12. JustOneDayAtATime

    JustOneDayAtATime New Member

    When I think of the times that I used pornography, I consider this entirely a waste of time. So I reason to myself, anything that reduced the time I spent on this activity was, comparatively speaking, a good thing. I think you should be pleased with yourself, reducing it to a minimum. That's a good thing. Total abstinence might not be what works for you. And that's fine too. Keeping it to a minimum is good. Hell, reducing it by a little, even that's a good thing. So good on you and best wishes.
  13. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good onya, man. Yeah... I guess, ultimately, I'd like to be free of it completely but 'progress not perfection', huh?
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Looks like I might be up for another day of 'sitting with unpleasant feelings and carrying on, regardless'.

    We'll see, my mood can shift quite drastically in a short time, so maybe things'll pick up.

    Peace to yas.
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Got a hot date, tonight.

    My intention is to let go of any expectations and just enjoy her charming company.

    On the other had I will be making sure my nest is clean and tidy.... just in case.

    And if not... I'll be coming home alone to a clean and tidy place... and I can smile, regardess.

    Love ya, guys.

    Soooooooon. :)
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    PS! The build up to this significant event in my recovery has encouraged me to be even more mindful (and minimal) in my usage. It has inspired me to delete the links and 100 or so pix I'd saved.
    Maybe... maybe it's time to step back fully again?
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    So no cuddles for me just yet... BUT! We had a lovely night and will hangout again soon. No expectations, no agenda. Aaaaall good. I feel... loved.

    Saville and bobjes like this.
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thought I should check in, briefly.

    I'm doin' well, workin' recovery and mindfulness, gettin' my life and career happenin'.

    Still using, but minimally, for the most part.

    We'll get there.

    More soon.

    Hugs! :)
    bobjes and A New Man like this.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Hmmm, yes. I have certainly had some times where I've been using as 'avoidance' (I did some browsing yesterday morning just because I didn't really want to face the day). We all know this sad story. Hopfully I'm building up to another solid try at sobriety.

    Other than that I'm doin' okay. Did a lil' performance at an open-mic last night and that was received well.

    Big jobs this week getting my head around an online presence for my music.

    It's challenging but veeeeeery exciting.

    Hugs to youse till soon! Xx
    Saville likes this.
  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Boy oh boy.

    Been a bit of this "S'okay, Billy, I love you.... nah, I do! You're doin' okay, mate. Just remember to look after yourself and take things slow. One thing at a time. We'll get there"

    Soooooo much to get my head around at the moment, so many competing priorities.

    Just.... slowly.

    With love and patience.

    One piece at a time.

    It's true!

    I'm doin' okay.

    I saw Grace Jones last night: a sixty-nine year old legend!

    Love ta yas. :)
    JohnQ and A New Man like this.

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