Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Cheers dude, yeah... I dunno if I'll have the energy to sort out a spreadsheet today but... I kinda... I feel like I need a better way to track my progress than resetting a counter every time I slip. It's early eve, I've had a busy and productive day and yet I feel weary and a lil' flat. Reckon I'll watch a film tonight and just try to relax.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Whatever works is what I'm for. If spreadsheets do it, then awesome. :) I have found walking one of the best things. At the beginning of this I walked miles. Even when I was tired I would sometimes walk around the block at 11 pm.
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    P subs and fantasy are insidious, good that you're aware.
    Billy B. likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Make it a good and productive day, Mate:D
    Billy B. likes this.
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I like it. I'm gonna try that, I reckon.
  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    At the moment I´m using even anhealthy stuff to keep me on track like bing watching netflix series.:( But as you said in my Journal, whatever works. Wish you well, Billy B.
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Hey, thanks, guys.

    I'm using daily at the moment (pot and alcohol, too), which is kind of weird because I'm concurrently working active recovery quite well (with good self-care and things, exercise, mediation, etc).

    I've been listening to Pema Chodron, inspired by the potential for a dedicated meditation practice to help me deal with both addiction and neurosis... but, still using.

    I don't really get it.

    Anyway, I know that my intention is to get cleaned up at some stage and I figure... well of course, there 'should' be no better time than 'now' to do that.... still... if I'm still here... that's good enough....

  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I know exactly where you are in the recovery process. If I might...yes, there is 'no better time than right now'.


    you're back in the cycle, it just doesn't feel like it because you're doing some things right and you were clean for a while.

    I'm not going to sugar coat it, you're going to feel like absolute shit very soon. And then when you finally do decide to quit again you'll feel even worse; it will feel like you're starting all over again. It will feel much better to keep using, and like most addicts you probably will.

    I encourage you to stop right now, but if you're anything like me you probably won't be able to get back on track until this binge series crashes and burns.
    Billy B. and Saville like this.
  9. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Billy B. I hope you are well. I`m so used to see new posts from you here every day, that I already miss your contributions. Take the time you need, but dont give up. Wish you well.
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2017
    Billy B. and A New Man like this.
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    That sounds about right. When the damage isn't obvious and when the rush is still quite 'fresh' you know... its not always easy to find impetus...

    Except... I'm not really binging, not always anway. Often ill sit with the craving and not act out at all even, i'll meditate on it, sometimes it shifts, and even if it doesn't I might go about my day regardless, while sitting with discomfort of craving (which comes and goes).

    I've been experimenting with mindfulness generally (around other cravings, uncomfortable emotions, etc) doing lots of short meditations and generally working active recovery in many ways.


    Certainly sobriety is still the mid-to-longterm plan. At the moment I'm just trying to keep positive and to practice being present... being patient and loving t'wards myself and... yeah, just a lil' bit tough, sometimes.

    I haven't given up yet! :)
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2017
    40New30 likes this.
  11. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good onya, mate. Apologies to've been somewhat scarce. I've been busy mostly with good things this week. I haven't used today and I've no grog, either (I realised I was drinking much, much more than I'd thought and hopefully thats impetus to steer clear).

    Thanks for checkin' in (thanks to Saville and ANM, also).

    I'm doin' okay if one discounts my pmo usage! ;)
    TheScriabin and Libertad like this.
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Actually, I tell a lie. Not intentionally. But, I recall now that during and after my most recent extended sesh (couple hours) I did actually notice how it's not good for my body: my back (the posture), my wrist (the mouse), my elbow (the tug!). And my most actually recent sesh (which was intended to be brief) was extended slightly by DE (I had to switch to harder stuff to get me over the line) and all that's a good reminder of reasons I don't need this shit in my life.

    Nice to've had a rest from it the last 36hours or so. :)
    Libertad likes this.
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    That is a hard but very good step to be honest to ourselfs. Well done. The truth is often hard to be confronted with and thats why we avoid to do it. Have a nice clean day and weekend. You can do it, man.
    Billy B. likes this.
  14. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    You forgot to mention the maybe the most important bad effect of P which is in our head: numb feeling, difficulty to feel anything positive either. Its no wonder how P use affects greatly in our moods and pattern of thoughts, when we feel like nothing, we are way more prone to have just more depressive thoughts about our lives. After the use we tend to skip all good things that life could try to toss in our way.
    Stay clean, anything is better than the empty, drained feeling which is our due after the session of escapism.
    You can do it! :)
    Libertad likes this.
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    You're beautiful, man... Thankyou (and thanks Libertad, also).

    I'm not really experiencing that 'negative, empty, or drained' feeling from using lately... on the other hand, I come here because, in this moment, the awareness around it's drawbacks is stronger than the desire to use. I know that ultimately, it actually has... less than zero benefit (including, importantly, that head-negativity you mention).

    So cheers for the reminder!

    Hmmmm. At a time like this, the choice is simple, easy.

    I'm curious to see what happens next time if and when the pull is stronger. I'm aiming towards sobriety but trying, also, just to... hold things lightly... including the craving, including the caving, also.

    This new attitude seems to help...

    Love to you, fellas.

    Pretty sure I'll still be sober by morning...

    One more day. :)

    Libertad and titan_transcendence like this.
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Billy B, just thinkin' of ya, Mate:p
    Billy B. likes this.
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Cheers, mate.

    I popped in to let you guys know that, although my counter looks shit, I've used for maybe one hour (max) over the last week and been working active recovery like nobodies business. So, in my mind, I'm still winning.

    I send youse love till soon.

    Billy B.
    NCBob likes this.
  18. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    You are winning, mate. Counters don't tell the whole story!

    (Absolutely, long duration PMO sessions definitely can wreak havoc on the body, lots of us -- myself included -- messed up our pelvic floor muscles and some very seriously.)
    Billy B. likes this.
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good onya, Fellas. Thankyouse.

    I had an interesting time of it yessdee. I awoke having not caught up on some sleep I've lost lately (just... sleeping poorly off and on) and I heard the sparrows chirpin' (as it was dawn). Fuckin' huuuuuge day planned... I was thinkin' "Fuck it: pmo, cigarette, give up." Just for a moment! But you know that... when ye wake up sooooo tired, yr fumbling about and yr head is a fog and everything. I kept thinkin' of "Which tasks can I leave till tomorrow?" And then catch myself say "Nah nah, just have a crack mate, you'll be alright...". So I went to the pool for the first time in weeks and weeks (at least, I go Friday's with my mate almost always but since I was sick that last-time my Thursday solo swims had dropped right off) so (for the first time in aaaaages and ages) I got myself there (win!). Then got fuel, did me shoppin', made my appointments all over town and was only slightly moderately 'triggered'* by the time I got home in the mid-to-late arfty.

    So anyway. Long story. In the eve I got distracted by 'click and save' for about an hour (no M no O). At the end (when I finally dragged myself away to eat dinner and watch a movie) I "had to" save a whole heapa tabs that I "couldn't" let go of. It was interesting to just observe that behaviour. I've previously (recently) been sitting with feelings around pmo, stepping back mid sesh, imagining for example "I'll delete these tabs" and sitting with the emotion... with the 'attachment' as a Buddhist might say.

    I'm very attached!

    So anyhow, today I thought "Right, I'll open each tab (too easy to delete them without looking) and I'll let go of each one, having a Sit every now and then, just to you know, be present, to ask myself "What does this feel like?"".

    But, buggered if I could be present enough!

    If anything, I would open more tabs!

    All this (fascinatingly) while kind of be aware of how... dull the whole thing is, how sad, how.... mostly unappealing.

    It's an interesting journey (of course I deleted all the tabs but one, without looking.... too easy).

    So, I'm nearly three days out from my most recent pmo (which was bloody hard work as well as wholly unsatisfying).

    I suppose I should look at the spread sheet option but this even I need to do some self-care in between catchin' up with you fellas.

    Peace out. :cool: Xx
  20. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Well done, Billy B.

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