Taking my first step.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by AbyssDive, Jan 2, 2023.

  1. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    Hello everyone

    I'm aware of the cliche timing to start something like this but it's been a problem under the surface for years now and I didn't just wait for New Years to try something new (Although I am gonna try to cut back on so much sugar). I didn't wait for New Years to do this, it's more like I had a mental breakdown around New Years and here I am.

    Turned 35 last month, I've been an avid consumer of that stuff for at least 20 years. That's a 20 year bad habit I'm up against but I'm hopeful. Not a very social guy, not a lot of friends so this is where you guys come in, I think. At least to know I'm not alone. Reading other posts/stories has been a big help in gathering motivation to better myself this way in the first place. I could ramble about this for hours but I'll start off brief.

    I don't want to feel like a slave to this bad habit anymore, like some kind of numb-brain dopamine addict. It turns out I can fix that and I will. I've identified several things that initiate some sort of autopilot mode and I know to avoid them like the plague, other things I don't know how to handle yet. I obviously can't recoil at the sight of a woman's body like Dracula would a cross, these are questions I'll have answers to in due time. For now it's just one day at a time. If I can go one day without this stuff then I can go the next day as well.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hi man, welcome!

    You're definitely not alone in dealing with this kind of stuff.

    I'm also a pretty isolated person, pretty much same age as you, not very social (though trying to make efforts here).

    My ''habit'' also goes back to more then 20 year. Maybe like 21 or almost 22 years. I've been trying to fight it for soon 10 years now and it's still a big battle for the moment. But hopefully there has been some progress...

    Yea, having a support system is essential.

    Yea, I don't think this is what being healthy would be about. Though this is a personal thing and each one will understand what health can mean, once we start getting there. For sure though that depending on our current situation, it can be a good idea to be careful about ogling women. Ogling women can for sure be a bad habit and a slippery slope. In the end it's about eliminating the lusting and building a more healthy connection with others, including with people we may be attracted to.

    In the end, I think recovery can be an opportunity to dive deep within oneself and to investigate, and perhaps begin to understand, why we do the things we do.
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2023
  3. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Member

    Nice to meet you @AbyssDive

    Welcome to the forum.

    I leave you with this quote that much relates to our current situation:
    This forum is full of success stories. If you are willing to put an effort, you will succeed in this journey, but you must be resilient and persistent.

    Cheers and good luck!
    AbyssDive and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  4. tarconi_union

    tarconi_union Member

    As @Thelongwayhome27 said it's not a healthy thing. And you have to careful of ogling women. You might want to learn realigning response once you find yourself ogling women in real life or ones you see on screen.
    AbyssDive and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  5. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    Thanks for the warm welcome Gentlemen, I appreciate it.
    I should add I've done something sort of similar to this before, I went to AA for over a year before finally leaving to do my own thing with the tools I learned there. I'm still sober, have been ever since it's just that AA is a very social kind of thing and I am definitely not that. Something like this is more my speed, not a room of people staring you down.

    I've cleared my browser history, searches won't auto-complete to somewhere I don't need to be, adult games thrown out, entire file folders deleted. I'm hesitant to install one of those website blockers. I still had a dream about it but I have no clue what to do there i'm not a dream wizard. I would love to read a book but the best way I can describe this is that my thoughts are too loud, I can't focus on books yet.

    I still get this huge pit in my stomach when I think about this, some part of my brain is clearly not ready to go through with this but I will pull through.

    Yes this is already a problem I noticed and never really cared to address. I would just scan their bodies like some kind of computer and assign a value based on a few key measurements. It feels pretty bad to even type that out but I gotta admit it before I can fix it.
  6. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    All the best to you. The tools learned in AA can definately be applied for this as well.
    There's SA and SLAA, which follow the same principles.
    The challenge is that most people are 24/7 connected to the internet, so relapse is just a click away.
  7. tarconi_union

    tarconi_union Member

    This is why you need device locker. I read about a month or two ago online that quitting porn is like quitting smoking when a pack of cigarettes is always in your pockets.
    AbyssDive likes this.
  8. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    6 Days, I'm going strong. Not much has happened, I have a pretty uneventful life. This isn't so hard for me if I'm so fixated on it but I won't always be. Some day I'll be bored and start to slip, maybe I won't even notice at first, that's when the real test is. I just gotta prepare for that. Last time I lasted two weeks.
    Started taking walks, hopefully a launching point to get more physically active. Checked social media for the first time in a while and turns out I had at least 100 things to unlike/unfollow. I can comfortably open my phone in public again.
    Time to look into ED, figure out if it's a medical thing like it's just a part of being type 1 diabetic or from years of this horrible habit. After reading some stories here I'm hopeful. ED absolutely killed my last relationship, I was so insecure about it I just didn't want to talk about it or address it in anyway and wasn't fair to the poor girl at all. I can empathize with how soul-shattering it is when it gets talked about on here.
    Very pretty woman at work today, not an issue because I'm reminded of me going to the bathroom to get off without realizing my phone was still connected to the blue tooth speaker on spotify. I'm at a family business with relaxed atmosphere but I'll never shed that humiliation.

    You guys are right, i'll look into these over the weekend.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Ay, that's painful. I guess that most guys on this board have experienced similar situations. I once got caught by my mother in law with my laptop on their couch. It takes time, but in the end we can just laugh about it.

    Almost 1 week! If you can do 1 week, you can definitely do 2.
    tarconi_union and AbyssDive like this.
  10. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    Rough day at work, all I wanted to do was come home and blow off some steam the easy way and feel better. That's not an option anymore. Instead I took a walk to clear my head and I'd like to think it helped. The cravings are starting to show up but I'm holding strong for now. Good lord and it's only been a week. Part of me hates what I'm doing, part of me wants to give up and just sort of accept my place in the world as just a lonely hermit, no partner, no kids, no real future. Another part of me doesn't think it's too late for any of that and those things could be waiting at the end of a (probably long) road of self improvement. Today was just a bad day, I think. Not usually like this.

    I've been trying to shy away and avoid lewd stuff in general but it's all over the place. TV, ads, movies, music. I avoid the obvious. I'm still sad to give up some of that stuff, some of the communities I was in but it's for the best. I miss my anonymous image-boards the most, wish I could stay and at least talk about video games but the explicit stuff leaks into everything. I spent some of my weekend on here reading posts and it did me some good. I didn't realize how long this site has been around but there's a lot to take in here.

    This is what I keep telling myself. I appreciate the support so far from everyone.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Keep up your good streak @AbyssDive . Whatever your life will look like moving forward, you will be better off if you're not giving yourself to smut. That is certain.
    Gil79, AbyssDive and tarconi_union like this.
  12. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    Yesterday I had an event alert thing go off on my phone, it was supposed to mark 1 month of abstaining from this sort of thing. More or less a NNN-kind of thing to prove to myself I could do it. Obviously I failed and in a few days I'll get another chime on my phone to mark when I tried (and failed) again. By then I started to catch on to what I was up against.

    Another weekend alone, i think I'm sick from the cold but after covid nobody wants to go near you, which is fine. I found as soon as I get bored my brain goes straight to pleasure seeking behavior so I bought some games. I might read a book. Trying this sort of mindfulness thing but I don't know. I can tell when cravings and urges come, acknowledge them as what they are, and sorta just let them go. Now to just build on that I guess.
  13. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    Been a little while friends, I'm still here.
    My life is kinda quiet and boring right now so there's not much to report. Mentally I'm not doing too good but I'm not here to spread doom and gloom. No progress on the ED front, done some more reading and I'll see how everything goes in 90 days. I'm hoping it is PIED and not a type 1 diabetic complication thing. I actually went out and did a social thing and now I'm painfully aware of how anxious and uncomfortable everything gets. Talking to women feels like a waste of time for me if I can't get my junk to work. I feel like I'm trying to sell someone a broken car or something, not gonna find a partner in this mental state, that's for sure.

    Cravings come and go, some waaaay worse than others. Going to bed at night is easier now though, Most of the time I'm just too tired for any sort of mental battle over what to think about. Starting to wonder if some of these fetishes that evolved so very far from vanilla stuff will ever go away.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  14. tarconi_union

    tarconi_union Member

    Are you approaching women with sole intention of getting laid? It would stress you out unnecessarily.
    AbyssDive likes this.
  15. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    If I did approach women it would be to get to know them/find a mate and not just get into their pants, those sort of promiscuous days are behind me.
    tarconi_union likes this.
  16. tarconi_union

    tarconi_union Member

    You might be putting them on pedestal.
  17. BackOnTrack

    BackOnTrack Active Member

    Dating girls that are potential relationship material is fine.
    However from my experience, if you come on too strong in terms of wanting a relationship, it may freak them out.
    Best way to be in a relationship is to be cool about it. :D

    Before I used to focus a lot on casual hook up, where it was clear (for me) from beginning that I wouldn't want a relationship with them.
    Guess I wanted the quick fix and also subconsciously wanted to avoid to be vulnerable.
    However, since I didn't stress out about anything serious with them, they became very interested in just that..
  18. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    I lasted three weeks. Obviously very disappointed in myself, I know exactly how it happened and I feel dumb thinking about it. NOT letting that happen again.

    There's some truth to this, I think I put them high and myself very low.
    Thanks for the advice, when I finally start talking to women again I'll remember this stuff.
  19. AbyssDive

    AbyssDive New Member

    Hello again friends, it's been a while. Glad to see the site back up.

    There's not much to report on. I'm happy to reach 30 days for the first time, it's been a long and miserable month but I think it's mostly due to work and not any sort of lack of dopamine. Hell if I know, I just wish I felt better but I will keep moving forward. Maybe by 60 or 90 days i'll be in a better mindset. I'm already working to improve it.
    BackOnTrack and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congrats on getting past 30 days free of PMO, that's awesome !
    AbyssDive likes this.

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