Yeah dylan. Recovery is a long convulated road. When I go for a couple of week, the control that I gain sometimes leads to the illusion that I have finally recovered but once the relapse happens, all the reality comes back. I still have the belief that I can achieve that state of mind where porn would not worry me the way it does. Yes it's a hard work but definitely worth it.
Read a couple of posts on this forum. It really helps to change the state of mind. Minutes ago my mind was buzzing with urges but now they are gone. I have got about another 25 days before my exams get over. And honestly I hate times like this. They paralyse me in so many ways. I feel so much restricted. I miss a lot of things I used to do that makes me happy. And in such times porn becomes more of a problem because it offers an easily available escape. Anyway, what can I learn from this? There would be such times in the future. Would I look for an escape? Or would I experience them just as they are? What I do is going to decide whether I come out stronger or weaker from it.
Relapsed today. But I had been flirting with danger for quite a bit. I really hate this state of mind after the relapse. I am feeling numbed with all the brain fog. I have a lot to study but finding it difficult to concentrate. Clearly the addiction is affecting me badly particularly during this exam phase. My internet use have been really unregulated over last few days and that have really made it difficult to stay productive. This is one thing I would change. Restricting the internet use as a whole is the key to stay away from temptations.
Not making excuses for you but I know how hard it is to deal with exam pressure and trying not to relapse. I used to just fap and then I could get on with studying. You’ve gotta beat this soon though and start a new chapter porn free, think of your positive future and start again
Yeah it's damn tough! But that's how life is. In the end, all this turns out to be a lame excuse. I think you are right about fapping and getting past it instead of staying stuck with the temptations and eventually rationalising using porn. I have to understand that porn is my number one enemy. If I can come out of this phase without using porn and probably fapping a few times, I would consider the job well done.
So I am working on changing this habit of checking my phone right after I wake up in the morning. I sort of use it as an "eye opener". I intend to reduce the overall time spent online and with smartphone and this have to be the first step.
Pretty successful on changing that habit for last few days. Yes the waking up has gotten slightly difficult like that but I am sure it will get better.
Just a brief update. Except for some minor slips here and there I am doing pretty well. Urges are plenty these days. I have been succesful at not allowing pmo to affect me badly but I haven't been able to eliminate it altogether which still remains my goal. I look forward to working in this direction.
My mind is all over the place for the last couple of days, today in particular. I feel low in energy; it looks like a flatline. Difficult to focus and be productive. I am also not satisfied with the work I am putting in recovery. I think I have become more of impulsive during last couple of months which clearly isn't good. I need to put in some conscious effort to make some real progress. I haven't been able to get comfortable with the urges. When I am not relapsing to porn, I am usually substituting it with mindlessly surfing youtube and facebook and wasting precious time. This eventually builds up the negativity and the relapse inevitably happens. I have got to break the cycle. May be by trying to reduce time online and getting connected with life.
Yeah. Make sure your sleep schedule and your exercise schedule is up to par. Those have great effect on your willingness to engage in mindless youtube /internet surfing or playing too many video games
Yeah. I (re)started running in morning and it feels great. It sort of fills me with positivity early in the day although I still find it difficult to sustain that energy over the entire day. I am beginning to regulate my sleeping pattern but it is going to take some time. Exciting times are ahead with internship starting in less than a week's time. I would want myself in a good mental space for that so as to make the best use of the experience.
Relapsed today. Well It's relapses like these that make me rather hopeless about beating this addiction. I was doing so good for last couple of days and then this happens. Ok then just to recount the events leading to the relaspe. I had a bit of a sinusitis, nothing serious, only a very mild one. I ran in the morning and after breakfast went to study in library and studied very well for 4.5 hours. Everything was going as per the plan. No way a relapse could have happened today. But something was different today. My state of flatline was going away and I felt more libido than previous days. It was good, right? Yes, to some extent it was. I felt more motivated. My mind was clearer and overall I felt good and in control. But what I ignored was the fact that with it came the urges. I came back to my room and then my mind began to wander. I begin to search mindlessly on browser and then I became aware where this was going. To avoid a relapse, I MO'd without porn. Honestly speaking I was forced to do that because the internet connection went off for a couple of hours. Anyway, I MO'd and it settled me down for some time. But then I was irked a little bit by one of my batch mate whom I don't like much. Now it wasn't a big deal at all. It was only few moments of discomforting conversation that in no circumstances warrant a relapse (in fact nothing does). But anyhow, I felt a bit down from that and the urges skyrocketed. After that it was simply a matter of time. So here I am after a day that was strange in some ways because I was feeling so good during the morning. But looking back I can also see that it was the usual way in which I relapse.
Man I know that feel. Happened to me tonight too. I don't know why it happens either. Just have to get up and try again.
Yeah that's the best you can do. I think it's more of a psychological thing. Since I was doing so well, my subconscious mind began craving for the reward and the addicted brain knows only one way of rewarding itself. I need to be mindful of that in future.
It's been quite a mixed last couple of months. I have been relatively busy in a good way. It feels great to stay invoved with life. But there have been a few setbacks too. Eliminating porn is still an unachieved goal.
Ok so I think I should get back on this forum once again. A lot has changed in me over the last one year. I have made a lot of progress as far as personal development is concerned. But one thing that has clinged on like the ghost of the past is this addiction to porn. I have tried a hell lot of different approaches to recover but have invariably failed. Now I think it's time to really get serious about it. I understand that once I recover from this addiction, my personal development would be even greater. I need to get back to the basics and start focusing on snall goals again. So here I am on Day 0. One week is my first goal.
Day 1 (morning): So I couldn't get going with my morning exercise plan as I slept poorly last night. Anyway I feel better today. Just need to keep doing the right things
