Thanks dylan. I don't know if it was meant to be funny. Anyway, be assured that I would never give up. Setbacks could happen to anyone but what's important is that you learn from it and keep getting better
Relapsed today. I think internet addiction is well and truly part of the problem and I will look to address that over the next few days.
A brief update: MO'd today after 18 days of No P or MO. Reducing internet and overall smartphone usage time helped a great deal. I was looking to go longer with no MO but sexual tension eventually became too much to bear and I felt it was right to let it release through MO. I understand this is a vulnerable time. Urges may be high over the next couple of days. I have to stay mindful of this. I will continue to avoid or possible eliminate internet use because it has helped a lot. That's all then. See you.
Ok. Another update. Relapsed badly today. Rationalised using porn in my mind and went downhill from there. It happens so many times. I was mindful of what I was doing but after a certain point it became impossible to go back. Anyway, it's done now. So no point being stuck in that cycle of shame and guilt. I have to toughen up and not get overwhelmed by my addicted mind's tricks. Cutting down on internet is definitely a helpful step and I would look to avoid it completely.
I know the feeling. I did the same thing I rationalised the use of porn and relapsed that way...For me, when I'm at that certain point where it's impossible to go back you speak about, the only way to really get out of it is MO'ing. The urge goes away and you can think clearly again for a moment. I just say to myself " don't think, just cum from MO, if you still want to PMO you can do it after" but afterwards I can always think straight again. The only problem is when I'm in such a flatline that I can't cum from MO... It happens at the beginning of my reboot
Ok some update. Last month has been of a mixed kind. I relapsed an average of every 4-5 days. Not bad but still it sets me back quite a bit. I want to make progress and not be a slave to my instincts. So I am looking forward to some dedicated effort once again.
Ok. Been some time since I posted here. Lots of things are happening at the moment. I have my final exams starting in about a weeks time. Amidst this, I am keen to make progress on the recovery front as well. So here I go once again. I will try and post here daily just to keep myself focussed. There are a few things I would be looking to implement over the next few days. One is reducing the time spent with internet and smartphone. It consumes lot of time and is very much like an addiction in itself. I also want to stay MO free for as long as possible because my mind is still not ready to embrace normal sexuality the way it must be. It's going to be tough but definitely worth the effort.
It was a good day today. Mood was great. Not many urges. Was fairly productive. I am loking to go hardmode ths time. No MO is really good for me especially in the short term. It opens up so much of life in front of me. I find that MO is a form of self indulgence that, if unregulated, keeps us away from so many of the experiences of life. I am looking forward to having the taste of those experiences.
Not the best of the days but still held on. Mood was not great for most part. What I will be looking to do is follow a regular pattern of sleep over the next few days. It always helps. My sleep routine has been all over the place and that is affecting my productivity and general sense of well being. MO is no more an option which, I hope, would give a sense of control over my life. For most of the time today, I just went through the motions. I need to learn to be more purposeful and value time. Nothing much else to report.
Relapsed today. Not a great day. Wasted hours. Urges were strong as expected but certainly not insurmountable. MO'd initially but as always MO serves as a strong cue for porn. After that it was about fighting a losing battle. Anyway, no point getting stuck on a relapse. I still think no MO is the way for me because it's only then would I be able to make it clear to my mind that indulgence into any kind of fantasies that might lead to a relapse is not permissible.
Good day today. No urges. Mood was great. Studied quite a bit and most importantly relapse on previous day did not affect me much. Looking forward to another great tomorrow.
The activity on this forum is pretty low these days. I remember couple of years back there used to be a lot of guys actively involved and posting things here and supporting each other. I only hope that they have achieved success and thereby feel no need to come back here but I do miss that kind of sense of community. Anyway, I am in a sort of mental turmoil these days. With exams having started, my mind has set off on a roller coster ride. Addiction is still deep rooted in my thoughts and I feel so helpless at times. My mind search for some constant stimulation, mostly sexual. I cannot say that this may be natural for me as some people have high sexual drive. That could only be settled only when I get along with the real thing. Constantly seeking porn cannot be healthy, high sexual drive or otherwise. Sometimes my behaviour is so compulsive that I spend hours reaching out for stimulation. In that state I have little motivation to do anything good. And in that state it's hard to see clearly beyond the immediate situation. But I cannot really change the way my mind works without consciously changing my behaviour. At those times, I must force/motivate myself to do something better. Fight it out rather than stay a slave of the compulsion.
Good day today. I know if I keep myself busy and productive, my day flows smoothly without much urges. It's only when I have time on hand that my mind is tempted into that compulsive cycle. And tomorrow is one such day. I will have whole day by myself and the urges are expected to be strong. I need some extra dose pf motivation to go through days like that. Simply leaving everything on chance won't help. It never has. I must understand that to achieve something different, I need to act differently. Tomorrow is going to be a big challenge for me and I will not give up so easily.
Yesterday it was one of those days when my mind was on an emotional roller coster ride. My mood ranged from the feeling of helplessness to sense of strength as I began to feel things acutely. This is what no pmo does. It allows you to feel everything that's happening in life. You have no option but to face it. It's tough at times but that is the way you will learn how to live. Anyway, the most important thing is I made it to today all clean which gives me a lot of confidence. Yes today is going to be a challenge too but I feel confident about facing it.
Good days these with respect to staying away from pmo. Tough times is much more manageable this way. There is a sense of ease and control. I don't want to lose this. Yes the urges are there and at times I crave the intense stimulation provided by porn but I know it's not worth it.
Relapsed today. It was a good two-week streak. But I can't be satisfied with just that. Temptation wasn't high today but once again MO made it so easy to full relapse. This proves that the connection between the two is well established in my brain and I would continue to avoid MO too.
