Relapsed today. This was always coming after I had been flirting with danger last few days. Anyway what's done is done. Need to not let this pull me down.
So it's been a long time since I posted here. One reason for that is this journal is, for better or worse, losing relevance in my life. I have pretty much achieved a good level of control over my sexual behaviour. Porn is not completely eliminated but it has stopped affecting me the way it used to. I still relapse more or less once a week but I hardly waste days under its influence. Whilst my ultimate goal is still completely giving up porn but I am glad it's become a more natural transition for me. Wish the best for everyone.
Maybe I do need this journal after all. This is a good place to put my thoughts out and stay focussed on self development. My problem is not limited to porn actually. It's about balancing my mind as a whole. So I'll try and post here more frequently.
Well relapses still affect me badly as happened yesterday. It makes me virtually paralysed and all the progress seems to be lost atleast temporarily. This should give me enough reason to be more vigilant about it. I think what I need is a few weeks of complete abstinence to attain a better control over my sexuality. P.S.: I am trying to cultivate a habit of waking up at 5 am and I have been successful for last two days. It gives me so much time for studying, running etc. It simply feels great.
Yeah waking up early is nice. I convinced one of my friends to do it and he's still doing it, and thanks me for suggesting it to him.
Yeah yoc. Unfortunately I have been pretty irregular about it for past few days largely due to my not sleeping at the same time daily. This is what I need to change. As for PMO, I am still far from achieving a reasonable control but I feel I am moving in the right direction.
Well I've got to say it's been tough last few days and I've not shown enough resilience. Relapsed a few times and it's quite clear that each relapse pushes me back in my quest to become better. My progress has largely been stagnant for the last couple of months and I've not put enough effort into it. This has got to change. I have a very important one month coming up in which my academic schedule is going to be relatively loose and I will have a lot of time at my hand. This is going to be a critical month in more ways than one. I have a lot to catch up in studies. At the same time this might probably be my last chance to really work on myself. This year has not been the kind I expected at the start. I have not really made much progress. Most of the time I have not been able to sustain the effort for long. That is the reason I had many one week streaks and virtually none more than a month. This has to change and this is my best chance. It would need discipline but anything worth achieving need sacrifice and hard work. I can't be lazy anymore. It's a precious time and I have got to make the most of it.
Probably one of the important reasons I am relapsing rather frequently now is that I am being overtly liberal about what I see as a permissible behaviour. Maybe it's a manifestation of refusing to admit on a subjective level that I have a problem. I try to do all things that are considered "normal". Well normal people masturbate when they like. They are attracted towards opposite sex (if they are straight). They have fantasies. And I try to live as if everything is "normal" only till I have a relapse and things go bad again. I feel like hell. My mind literally freezes and I become virtually nonfunctional. That's when I realize I have problem only to forget it once again. This is the problem. I have to understand something. Sugar is completely healthy. But if you are diabetic, it's a poison. It's the same with addiction. Masturbation, sex, fantasies are completely healthy but not if you have spent 7 years of the prime of your life struggling with an addiction directly related to these things. Few normal things must be considered as poison at least temporarily. I can't be so liberal mentally. Each little activity affects the strength of the strong neural connections of addiction. I need to be mindful of this. Some restrictions are necessary to get myself "normal" again.
Day 2. Feels good that I am consciously trying to not relapse. But I am craving for the stimulation in some form or the other. I am hooked to my phone watching youtube videos and mindless browsing, which, though not as bad as actively watching porn, is far from ideal thing. I need to calm down and step back a bit. My mind needs a different perspective.
Day 3: Good day overall. Was not in the best state of mind for most of the time but I was mindful of my brain trying to recover. Lots of good days ahead if I can be through this.
Well it's quite clear that my problem of social anxiety is still unresolved. It's been masked partly by my escapist tendencies and avoiding the kind of situations that would make it apparent. But it's well and truly there as was evident today. How do I function socially depends on the "mental energy" I have. After the relapse and early in the recovery my mental energy is depleted and socialisation becomes a rather difficult task. I would love to think it's temporary and with progress in recovery from the pmo addiction, I would consistently have large reserves of mental energy that would help me deal with things. It's got to be step by step process. I have to make sure that the setbacks I recieve while trying to improve socially do not, at any cost, become a reason for relapse. The two issues are intrinsically related and success in one cannot come at the expense of another. I have to stay positive because that is what motivates me to get better.
Day 4: My mind is slightly stuck up in that social anxiety thing right now. What happened yesterday really shook me. But why should that be a surprise? I have had these issues for long time and despite the illusion I had build up that they are resolved, they have stayed. I was in my comfort zone all this time. It's only a good thing that the realisation has happened. I know I need to work on it. But my addicted brain want quick fixes. Right now I do not have much motivation and it's difficult to see past what I am feeling now. But I know it's all about chemistry in my brain. On day 7, I could be feeling much different. Each day is an important step.
Day 5: Yesterday was a good day in the end. I was in good state mentally and this makes me hopeful about the reboot. May be these alternating states are a part of withdrawl and I can certainly hope for the stability in the long run. I had a dream last night in which I was about to have sex with a girl which felt great in the dream itself. The sex did not happen for some strange reason but when I woke up I was feeling really good. I don't know if it makes sense. It may be part of my brain seeking to achieve equilibrium. Anyway, it's a good start to the day with some running done. Looking forward to a beautiful day!
Day 6: I am beginning to feel the withdrawls. I don't have much motivation. Skipped the running. Mindlessly spent an hour surfing facebook. Not the best starts of the day but I am keen to get through this. It's tough to keep focus. The edginess is pretty much there. Mood, in general, is good. There are strong sexual cravings which are really distracting. My mind is trying to rationalise MO'ing. But I know what it leads to. I have got to believe this is a very important time. I can't give up so easily. This is a challenge I must take up. Anyway, enough of putting my thoughts out there. Gotta get ready for college.
Day 10: Last couple of days have been good. Withdrawls have eased out. But my thoughts are still mostly sexual which transform into urges. Hoping for better days ahead.
Relapsed yesterday. It didn't affect me so badly though. It was a wonderful 2 week streak. There was a lot of edginess over the last couple of days which just shows how strong the addiction is. What I learnt is I must take it day by day. Each day is a new one. It does not matter whether you are on Day 2 or Day 40. You can still have moments of weakness. What matters is how you handle it right now. That is what is going to make the difference.
