Suicide Notes- A low trigger journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Outis, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. Outis

    Outis New Member

    Hello, my name is Jamie or Outis, I'm 19. I am a poet, rapper and artist. Suicide Notes is intended to be catharsis for me spiritually, emotionally, etc. My writing (majority of it is not posted here) is a channel for my anger, sorrow, etc. I hate introducing myself as a rapper, because there's automatically an expectation of you being a status-quo promoting shallow idiot. But I do it just to share what I'm passionate about. I'm inspired by poets like Henry David Thoreau, Sylvia Plath, and Shakespeare.

    I call this a low trigger journal because I am mostly making it about myself, not PMO. In other words, my journal will be mostly about my experiences and feelings, not the PMO itself. I may go into some details, but too many can be triggers for me, and, possibly, others.

    the following is a general description of my life and experiences in the past few years, and my experiences may be seen as disturbing to some people. And just because I don't consider it triggering, it still may be for some.
    --
    When I was 13, I used porn and masturbated for the first time. I was already a shy kid and I grew up with parents who had very perfectionist expectations. My mother was an alcoholic, she abused me mostly emotionally, but physically and sexually a few times as well though. My father was always a very emotionally neglectful, secretive figure.

    I gradually started PMO'ing more and more when my mother went to rehab for 2 months when I was 14. I accelerated to at least once per day. I also started smoking weed, partly to feel like a cool kid/fit in, but also to escape my pain. Over the next few months, it became a daily habit. I started using both PMO and marijuana virtually every day together. The friends I was spending time with I didn't feel all that connected to, and when I would go hang out with them, I felt like I had to force myself to put on a fake happy personality, and smoke more than I was comfortable with. I would always get really quiet and basically bail as soon as I had a chance. I recall one of them one time told me that whenever he saw me, he thought I looked really depressed. And it absolutely crushed me at the time.

    Looking back, they were more like bullies than friends. Through that I had two people who I was close with in early childhood, who I considered to be very good, lifelong friends, not associated with those people... lets call them Dean and Sam (codenames*, anyone watch supernatural lol).

    After continuously using both PMO and weed for a couple years, I had one girlfriend when I was 16 for about a year. I felt connected to her at the time, and would only PMO about once every week or 2, and was having sex with her often. About two weeks after we broke up, I learned she was with Dean now. After that relationship ended, I began meditating daily, writing often and rapping. I also learned that Dean and my ex got married less than a year later and now have a baby on the way. (That's not what friends do, DEAN :mad:). Haven't talked to Dean since.

    When I was about 17, I began seeing a psychologist who I confifed in about my pmo. He basically believed the opposite of what I did at the time (PMO is bad and must eliminate). He told me someone my age should be masturbating 3 times a day, and that I can watch all the porn in the world and it isn't a problem.

    He essentially gave me the green light to PMO as often as I want with no consequences. This took away a lot of the shame aspect of PMO'ing. So I kept PMO'ng often for about the next year, still meditating daily as well though.

    Last year, Sam and I moved in the same apt. He was now on lots of drugs and using every day, turned into a complete douchebag. I would wake up in the morning to happy go lucky people smoking and playing guitar, etc. and had loud parties virtually every night, while I would go to work. He would move my food to the bottom cabinet and leave his in the top, basically never NOT have people over. And towards the end Sam and his friend he moved in without asking me came to my job when I was working and demanded I give them my share rent money a few days before it was due or something, don't really even remember what the hell they were saying, it made no sense. Later that night, Sam banged on my door saying I owe him my rent money (I pay the landlord, not you dumbass....o_O) Long story short, we got evicted, and haven't spoken to sam since, other than to pay him back some money he loaned me a long time ago.

    I had nowhere to go at that point. I ended up being homeless for 2 weeks. I slept in an abandoned house and a house under construction for a few days and was working a minimum wage job. I made my way to the homeless shelter and got a bed and showers and meals daily. This lasted for about a week as I realized it wasn't sustaining me very well, because it is a lot like a prison, employees there really care more about controlling the people staying there and aren't very empathic. There was about 100 of use in one big room with twin bunk beds, many other people talking to themselves and on hard drugs, etc. I got head lice...

    I got back in contact my parents and got a roof over my head (I hadn't talked to them for about 6 months prior).

    And being objective, almost a year later, I think that the PMO may have contributed to my homelessness. It was rock bottom without a doubt. It was the most humbling experience in my life, and it was sobering to see that there are many fates worse than my own.
    Since then, I have been enhancing my life in various ways, taking care of my human needs daily (shelter, hygiene, food, water, clothing, sleep). Yes its common sense but I lacked diligence in the necessities for a while, and I think PMO can distract me from taking care of myself even in just those basic ways.

    So this is my journal of my recovery from this habit, my journey into future phases of my life.
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2018
  2. Outis

    Outis New Member

    Sometimes I'm convinced that porn is ok and i dont need to quit, this i think is my brain making excuses because it really wants the dopamine fix
     
  3. Outis

    Outis New Member

    But being as rational and objective as i can, afterwards i feel dull, apathetic, drained, anti-social, etc.
     
  4. Outis

    Outis New Member

    After reviewing the science on the subject, im definitely committing to quit since i want to actually live my real life, instead of being a codependent on the virutal sexual media. I made it 3 weeks recently, and over those 3 weeks i was incredibly motivated and committed to being an individual.
    Im starting a project called 365 days of poetry (slam poetry) to replace the habit with for the new year. Will start posting on here once everythings in order
     
  5. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    The point is how does porn affect you. Make an honest judgement about whether you are better or worse off without porn. Forget what the so called "experts"(the psychologist you saw) have to say. Make the decision for yourself.
     
  6. shattered

    shattered Member

    I read this and another post this morning. There is a common thread I'm starting to see with PMO addiction. I can't put my finger on it, but it's related to confidence in life. I'll also point out that typically "our kind" are the nice guys who basically worship any girl who expresses interest in us and end up turning them off by that behavior. I'm not saying this is you, but I'm willing to bet. Good luck. You're not alone.
     
  7. Outis

    Outis New Member

    I have still been
    I appreciate the comment man, it's true, it really comes down to my opinion on it.
     
  8. Outis

    Outis New Member

    I keep going on streaks of about 3 weeks or a month of no P, occasional masturbation, which was working well for me for the past few months.

    After doing this, and reading more about how porn reduces grey matter in the brain, and seeing benefits for myself, I really think it is a habit I want to eliminate. I do daily meditation anyway, but over the past few months I have quit nicotine (cigs and ecigs), soda (which has a PH level barely above battery acid). After quitting those habits, I have come to see my PMO use over the past few years as another habit that doesn't benefit me.

    Only thing is it is also incredibly scary recovering and leaving porn behind. During my time away from p and m, I've become really aware of how I have used PMO to regulate my emotions... to hide from bad feelings, emotions, experiences, etc. It's like ripping off my outer cloak of skin to get to the real me underneath, aspects of me I have hidden from in various ways, some more subtle than others, to get away from pain. But you can't just turn off the painful emotions, you can only turn them all off. And that was kind of the subconscious goal of my PMO use. So as I recover, I get the painful things I hid from as well as a return of the happiness, ecstasy, fulfillment type feelings.

    Over the weekend I M'd 3 times. After the first night of M, no P at all, there was a chaser the next night, then the next morning (no P). Only thing is on the 2nd night I looked at dating sites/escort services online, then M'd afterwards, but only after shutting the computer down, never watched any videos. Just browsed the profiles, and texted one of the girls. In my head at the time, I believed I was actually interested in seeking out sex in that manner. But when I really think about it, I may have simply told myself that, when I really may have been subconsciously seeking the same kind of dopamine hit from the virtual version. But I am still happy with myself shutting the computer down before M...

    Feeling weak and kind of low yesterday and today. Feel very irritated and awkward talking to people, lost my sense of humor and optimism, angry, some loneliness and suicidal thoughts.

    It's hard sometimes... I have been single for 2 and a half years. I have kissed 2 girls in this time, and had the option to go further, but didn't really feel good about it. But the connection doesn't go to far, there is an emotional disconnection, they don't want the same level of deep intimacy I do. It is difficult sometimes, because while I am dedicated to self-progression, I still have feelings of loneliness at times and wish I could have a fulfilling, intimate connection with someone.
     
  9. Outis

    Outis New Member

    This shit is so difficult. It's too hard. Sometimes I just hate myself so goddamn much. Just want to die so goddamn much. I have nobody in my life at all that supports me or understands what I go through. Again, it's just 1 M (no P) last night and it virtually ruined my day after. At least my fantasy was about real women in realistic situations. I also make effort to fantasize about having an intimate connection (i.e. sympathetic introspection, empathizing with each other) with a potential mate, not unrealistic, porn-like sexual fantasies.

    No energy, feel insecure, anxious, lost my sense of humor basically altogether, which I hate. I almost want to use P just to get away from the shitty feelings from this M. So I can feel "Normal" again. But, truthfully, unravelling my habit to get to my core I guess is the real normal... the true me.

    I still haven't watched porn in almost 2 months or so, which is good. It's so damn hard to focus on the good sometimes.
    I have such a hard time accepting I even have a problem in the first place, in other words I guess i have a lot of denial. Denial Voice: Maybe sexual release is a good thing. Maybe masturbation is healthy in moderation. Some people just need it. Joe shmoe masturbates and uses porn and it doesn't affect him negatively. Every guy does it...

    reminds me of alcoholism. Theres some saying that like an alcoholic cannot drink even one beer because it's never just one beer...
    and maybe it's comparable.

    But on my no PMO streaks, I feel so much more healthy in general. I feel confident as the unique individual I am, I can write and express myself how I want to for the most part. I am very diplomatic with people and feel fine "saying no" (both literally and figuratively) to people, feel less lonely and desperate. Feel less hypervigilant (like people are trying to control or abandon me).

    Truthfully, man, porn is so fucked up. It's essentially media that keeps users trapped in the mind-state of a 13 year old voyeuristic kid into adulthood, so long as you're using... Just entranced by large, often artificial body parts, fake connection, over-exaggerated pleasure, and a seemingly endless supply of it, just the click of a button away. Because it hacks your reward circuits. Because all the clicks and digitized intercourse gives you dopamine rushes.
     
  10. Outis

    Outis New Member

    The past few days ive had a chain reaction. First, 1 M, then next day, 1 M again. Then, next day i have a cigarette craving and buy some. And i quit smoking in 7 months. Then i have fast food, and a soda. And i quit soda about 3 months ago. Then last night, 1 PMO :mad:. It was a few gifs. I came across them, then closed them down and went to work on my car. But the whole time it was in the back of my head. So i came back in, sought it back out and used. I resisited but then chose to let it overcome me. The whole time my mind convinced itself it was ok. But afterwords, i was very frustrated and felt like i had strengthened the synapses between my brain and seeing the porn as my sex partner. And i felt numb, like i had regulated me emotions and felt "normal" again. IE turned emotion off.

    I feel very drained, suicidal, apathetic. I hate this evil sexual media.
    On the bright side, ive started hiking, and bought a kayak and want to teach myself this summer. Also been writing amd recording, meditating every day. I want to take up backpacking and camping as well probly. I hope i can replace my PMO, soda, cigarette, and emotional eating with these activities.

    I notice myself getting to the bottom of my addiction and the components that go along with it, when i am on my streaks. And its really scary but will add more to that later
     

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