Hey guys, For those of you contemplating acting on your urges; DON'T. Ill give you a brief background on my situation. A year ago this all kicked of for me with massive amounts of transexual porn - HOCD gripped me. In the last 3 months, I had made monster steps into getting my life back... Until this weekend. I went away with my friends, and in a drug fuelled alcohol binge, had full sex with a transexual. Yes, I was aroused, and I lived out all of my fantasies that I've seen in porn, but now I'm on the brink of suicide. I've just spend the entire day in the GUM clinic as I'm terrified I have HIV. I am repulsed by my own reflection, and I'm on a 28 day HIV prevention cause which is making me very ill. I've told my mother, but can't tell my girlfriend, and won't. DO NOT DO IT. It is a massive dopamine high. The doctor I've just seen has told me that he thinks I'm at least bi. I aren't sure it's that simple; some of what I've learned in the past few months is still there. The disgust, shame and self loathing is indicative of much more. Something took hold of me. I was driven by something that dominated my entire being - a massive, incomparable dopamine hit, the likes of which my brain has never encountered. Now I'm suicidal, and cannot see how I can proceed with my heterosexual life. These 'kinks' aren't us. They are the by-product of relentless viewing of progressively more extreme material. I am more than okay with ANYTHING sexual, as long as it doesn't make me feel like I wish I was dead after. I've dabbled in drugs, and the comedown after is comparable. Now the issue is, prior to this weekend, I could honestly say that I've never had anything that would class as a 'gay experience.' You can imagine the problem now. My hocd is running rings around me, and I feel as though I can never be a true heterosexual again, despite the fact that 3 days ago I was so close to being me again. Has anybody here had a gay/transexual encounter, and can advise me on how to get over this? Is this something I'm going to have to repeat, or is resisting the urge just repression? I'm desperate. Please help me.