Suicidal after transexual encounter

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Confusedandsad, Apr 4, 2013.

  1. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member

    Hey guys,

    For those of you contemplating acting on your urges; DON'T.

    Ill give you a brief background on my situation. A year ago this all kicked of for me with massive amounts of transexual porn - HOCD gripped me. In the last 3 months, I had made monster steps into getting my life back... Until this weekend.

    I went away with my friends, and in a drug fuelled alcohol binge, had full sex with a transexual.
    Yes, I was aroused, and I lived out all of my fantasies that I've seen in porn, but now I'm on the brink of suicide. I've just spend the entire day in the GUM clinic as I'm terrified I have HIV. I am repulsed by my own reflection, and I'm on a 28 day HIV prevention cause which is making me very ill. I've told my mother, but can't tell my girlfriend, and won't.

    DO NOT DO IT. It is a massive dopamine high. The doctor I've just seen has told me that he thinks I'm at least bi. I aren't sure it's that simple; some of what I've learned in the past few months is still there. The disgust, shame and self loathing is indicative of much more. Something took hold of me. I was driven by something that dominated my entire being - a massive, incomparable dopamine hit, the likes of which my brain has never encountered. Now I'm suicidal, and cannot see how I can proceed with my heterosexual life.

    These 'kinks' aren't us. They are the by-product of relentless viewing of progressively more extreme material. I am more than okay with ANYTHING sexual, as long as it doesn't make me feel like I wish I was dead after. I've dabbled in drugs, and the comedown after is comparable.

    Now the issue is, prior to this weekend, I could honestly say that I've never had anything that would class as a 'gay experience.' You can imagine the problem now. My hocd is running rings around me, and I feel as though I can never be a true heterosexual again, despite the fact that 3 days ago I was so close to being me again. Has anybody here had a gay/transexual encounter, and can advise me on how to get over this? Is this something I'm going to have to repeat, or is resisting the urge just repression?

    I'm desperate.

    Please help me.
  2. Barneybarn

    Barneybarn Reboot and rewire!

    Take a deep breath, take a step back and look at the big picture. The main thing is relax!
    Thinking about everything and sorting out who you really are want to be and will become is important. Getting upset about what happened how it could have been etc is just counterproductive!
    What you have done and going through is serious. But it will pass!
    The main thing is be patient and do some serious constructive thinking about the state you are in and how you can get out. Yes, you can change your life, a lot of people have done it and will do it. If you can talk it over with a friend. Or go to a counselor/psychologist!
    If you need to vent. Your journal on this forum is the perfect place to do it! Also to ask for help.
    You are not the first one who had sex with a tranny and you will not be the last. It is not the end of the world.
    Go through with the 28 day HIV prevention cause and then start rebooting. There were quite a few guys on the PIED forums with HOCD and tranny obsessions now they are healing!
    Search this site for their threads.
    Reboot and rewire,
  3. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    I'm no specialist, but I wouldn't consider sex with a transexual as a "gay experience".

    Your brain is wired to transexuals as a consequence of porn abuse. It could have been anything: fat women, old women, dogs, horses. The fact that it's wired to transexuals is just a reflection of the specific kind of porn you've been using.

    I also don't think you're bisexual, and even if you were, that would be an isolated "problem". Porn can't make you bi or gay. It can lead you to try things you normally wouldn't, but it doesn't change who you are.

    TheUnderdog, owner of this forum, has a long history with transexuals and some disturbing experiences he's been sharing with us through his journal. Take a look at it or send him a message.

    Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has regrets. Your life is not over. It will be tough, but eventually you'll dust yourself up and move on.
  4. jt91

    jt91 New Member

    Hiya mate,

    Don't worry about sticking to the labels of bi or gay or straight. It's perfectly fine to be gay so if you think you're turning gay, accept it. But having a sexual experience with a man doesn't mean you're gay.. it just means you had a sexual experience with a man - I mean I've played Tennis a few times, doesn't mean I have to focus just on Tennis and drop all other sports. I much prefer Football, but it's perfectly fine if I want to play Rugby.

    Also, you say that you're worried that you're not 'you' any more. Even if you decide that you're now attracted to transexuals - YOU'RE STILL THE SAME PERSON, you still have the same hobbies, you still like the same TV shows, you still have your favourite holiday destinations - only one thing has changed.

    If you love your girlfriend, then stay with her. If you choose to tell her or not, it's up to you.
  5. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    I'd also advise you to stop drinking and doing drugs. You clearly lose control and judgement when you're high. Well, everybody does.

    Not to mention that you don't want to go through the hell of recovering from PMO addiction only to screw yourself up with a different poison. Life is much better when you're sober, believe me.
  6. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member

    Cheers guys,

    A lot of helpful things said there.

    I'd just like to clarify; I wouldn't have a problem with being bisexual, and I don't think I'd be capable of being sexually involved with a man as such. However, I felt powerless with this transexual. Throughout the entire experience, I wanted to stop, but I was driven to continue by sexual desire. Is this a product of porn consumption?

    I'm at a loss as this is something I don't want to do again, purely because of the shame I'm feeling now. However, in not repeating the action, am I denying/repressing my sexuality, or rewiring my base sexuality?

    I know I'm still attracted to women, and even holding my girlfriends hand gets me hard. But I am indubitably aroused, against my will, by transsexuals.

    Thoughts please!
  7. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Underdog here to the rescue.

    I have struggled tremendously with shemales for the last couple of years. I have been with 20 transexual prostitutes and I too obsessed over HIV many many many times, to the point that I was constantly anxious throughout the day and couldn't stop thinking about it.

    First of all, did you have unprotected anal sex with her? If you did not, then you're safe. I understand that no matter how many times you read this online you will still freak out, but if you didn't have unprotected sex then you will not catch HIV. And if you did have un protected sex, it was only one exposure. Combined with the treatment you can be pretty sure you'll be fine. So please don't commit suicide hahaha.

    Regarding the "gay" thing...

    Listen, we are attracted to trannies precisely because they look like women. We are turned on by the combination of female body + penis. That's why we refer to them as "chicks with dicks". That's why we say "she" or "her" and not "he" or "him".

    More than 90% of men who watch shemale porn are heterosexuals.

    Gay men watch gay porn.

    Please understand.

    Shemales are very novel and exciting. It is one of the most powerful and addictive porn genres, if not THE most addictive. It has absolutely nothing to do with being gay. It is arousing because a woman with a penis is something extremely rare. It is something "forbidden". And some of them look WAY HOTTER than the chicks you see everyday on the street.

    They hit all the right spots. Huge tits, round asses, big hard cocks.

    You are an heterosexual guy with a tranny fetish.

    In order to beat this fetish, first of all you have to be OK with it. It's fine to be attracted to trannies. They register as women to our brains.

    Don't feel bad if you see a tranny picture and your dick gets hard. It really is ok.

    What you have to do is ignore this issue and stop reinforcing the tranny pathways in your brain. You do this by stopping watching shemale porn and shemale escort ads. Instead re-focus your mind on important things in your life.

    Eventually, you will notice that this whole issue will no longer have control over you. You will stop obsessing about acting out and looking for escort ads.

    Stop feeding it. Forget about it. Move on with your life.

    And the next time you get an urge to act out on your fantasies, remember how you're feeling right now. HIV anxiety was my main motivator to stay away from transexual prostitutes. Everytime I felt the need to pick up a tranny off the street I would think "Oh man, if I have sex with her I will worry about HIV for weeks...". Living with fear of catching HIV is terrible. I know exactly how you feel right now. Use that as a motivator to never engage in sex with a tranny again.
  8. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member


    Thank you so much!

    Firstly, and stupidly, a condom wasn't used for the whole session, which is why I'm on PEP. I'm praying to god that I haven't caught anything, and I've minimised the risk as much as possible.

    Secondly, you've made me feel a lot better about this. It's the fact that this Fetish is more arousing than my girlfriend that bothers me. I don't want it to be, and I wish I never looked at transexual porn - I know... Too late for that.

    I suppose the only reassurance I need is that I can reduce the power that this has over me and pursue the heterosexual lifestyle I have fantasied about since I was 5.

    Man she wasn't even that hot. Initially, I remember getting instantly aroused as she looked feminine, with huge breasts, yet was harbouring a penis. Back at her/his place, when the clothes were off, she had plenty of masculine features that were putting me off significantly.
  9. Tommypet

    Tommypet New Member

    "It's the fact that this Fetish is more arousing than my girlfriend that bothers me."

    That is the reason why so many of us here are rebooting, becaus ewe just aren't being aroused by real women anymore..for me I was preferring to PMO than have sex with my girlfriend because I could more easily get aroused by it.

    It will take some time to re-wire your brain, but I am very optimistic that you will. Sometimes you need a scare like the one you've experienced to help kick start this process!

    Good luck and all the best!
  10. Selzis

    Selzis New Member

    First: Ignore that Doctor. You're the only one who knows what you're attracted to. You wasn't even once attracted to guys or? So you're not bi, that simple. Transsexuals are a whole different story and are aimed towards heterosexuals not homo. Also don't hear on that stuff with "If you're gay, it's perfectly fine." something like that doesn't help at all if someone has HOCD (I'm also suffering from it and also i'm still into transsexual porn) it will make the person just even more scared. Someone who is scared of being gay isn't gay - atleast in my experience so far. If someone is gay, he knows it - he is scared what people are going to think of him and not being scared of being gay. If something even makes you think of suicide after you're done with it - that shows that isn't your true self. That is what porn has done to you. We seek dopamine like an crack addict and it just goes down the spiral: we need more and more extreme stuff to get the same dopamine since normal stuff won't do it for us anymore - we simply don't get the same dopamine rush. Like someone who "abuses" constant weed, maybe weed isn't enough for him anymore and he's going to need harder stuff like crack - same pattern. You know why we feel so disgusted and confused after those experiences? Because they simply don't match our true sexuality. But while seeking this dopamine we're mindless zombies who just seek the next kick and we forget about everything - for me it was gay porn. It took a while for me to realize what i've done and why i feel so bad. Also if those suicide thoughts still keep coming, i also advice get professional help. There are alot of hotlines which are free and i'd just call one - not simply because of the situation but also so you can talk freely which helps alot.
  11. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member


    I'm from an incredibly liberal background, and I have stated that I've already told my mother about this encounter. The issue with this is that I feel disgust at what I've just done once I've orgasmed. This is the only saving grace that leads me to believe that it's not a part of my intrinsic psyche, but is the biggest available dopamine hit; I must admit that even the shemale porn was becoming boring, and I never stepped up to gay porn due I anxiety.

    While I appreciate your opinion, I don't think HOCD isn't something you can 'buy in to', and although there are varying degrees of it, it certainly exists. 'Researching sexuality' is one of the practices that consumed my life for the last 6 months... With OCD, this is a futile pursuit. Furthermore, it's contradictory to what any therapist will tell you, which is not to worry about sexuality, just let it be.

    When I was growing up, sex with females was amazing. I'm 21 now, in my final year of Uni, with the hottest girlfriend of my life, and due to the cocktail of porn and anti depressants, I can barely manage to cum. I want to be back to the latter. And exploring my sexuality with inhibit this completely.
  12. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member

    You guys are great.

    Thank you. I just wish I never acted out. I guess I always figured I wouldn't dare. No point crying over spilled milk.

    You're right in what you say. Far too man people preach about how fine it is to be gay, and how we should explore ourselves. I think I would be inclined to do that only if its source was in real life, not after years of transexual/Femdom porn abuse.

    Don't worry. I think I was being dramatic with regards the suicide stuff. Some of you guys have really quelled that fire for me. I want my life back! I will never reinforce artificial sexual cues again. Especially ones that are apart from my orientation.
  13. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Take a 4th generation duo test 28 days after your PEP treatment is done. That will basically give you a conclusive result. If they don't have a duo test then take a regular antibody test 6 weeks after PEP is finished.

    Don't wait 3 fucking months. It is unnecessary and will drive you crazy.

    By the way, did you engage in receptive anal sex? (did she fuck you?)

    Like Tommypet says, that is precisely the reason why we're all rebooting here.

    Girlfriends don't arouse us as much as porn, prostitutes, etc.

    Yeah, I've been there.

    Sex with trannies will never leave you satisfied. You will feel either very dirty or worried about HIV. The anticipation of being with a tranny gives you an incredible rush, but you will always regret it afterwards.

    Sometimes I would feel AMAZING after having sex with a regular female prostitute. I never had that feeling after having sex with trannies.
  14. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member


    I engaged in everything. Receptive and penetrative anal and oral.

    Ugh I'm so depressed. I have my university finals in a month. How the hell am I going to put this out of my mind?
  15. Selzis

    Selzis New Member

    We're here to help eachother :)

    And like you said, it's not like you fell in love with guy - It's simply the years of porn abuse. We can't simply determine our sexuality by porn. (I just heard it, but i think it's true) There was even once a experiment with males who were shown animals having sex (i think it was chimpanzees) and you know what? They got aroused lol. Yes sounds crazy but it's simply the act of sex that got them aroused. Maybe 40 years ago you could say "If you get a boner to that, it means you're attracted to it." but now, with our over sexualized culture and media it's no wonder that something like that happens. True sexuality is being in love, emotionally bound and wanting to spend you're whole life together with that person - Was it always a female and never a male? Then it's not going simply to happen from one day to another that you're gay of all the sudden. HOCD is terrible, i know it. It lets you doubt your sexuality, the fear blocks your emotions (that is also from the porn abuse) and makes you nonstop feel anxiety. Don't worry, sooner or later it will give up. There was quote on this forum somewhere: "It doesn't fight harder then you, it's going to win by simply letting you believe fighting isn't worth it."

    I wish you best of luck and stay strong. Don't forget we all support you :)
  16. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Is there any way you can contact her again and ask her if she's willing to test for HIV? This might give you incredible peace of mind if her test is negative.
  17. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member

    I'm afraid not!

    Complete one nighter in a city along way from me. I walked around the city for 20 hours looking for her to ask. I'm going to have to deal with the risk. It's fucking breaking me inside. I can not stop worrying. The risk is low; 3% assuming she was HIV positive, which is then lessened with the PEP. But that is a high enough risk for something that would ultimately change my life and end my relationship forever.

    I'm really on the ropes.
  18. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Yes, all things combined, the risk is very low.

    She probably didn't even have HIV in the first place.

    Here's what you're going to do now:

    You're going to completely stop reading and posting about HIV. No more Google searches. No more questions on forums.



    There's absolutely nothing else you can do. You're now on PEP. All you have to do is wait. Thinking about this issue will only give you more anxiety.

    Focus 100% on your finals, exercise, hobbies, etc. Keep your mind occupy with other things.

    I know it's easier said than done, but that is what you have to do now.

    No more HIV talk from now on.

    You'll be fine.
  19. Confusedandsad

    Confusedandsad New Member

    Fuck man you're right.

    This is just ridiculous now. I can fix myself. As for HIV, that will either come or it won't.

    And I do have a free will. I don't have to fuck or be fucked by trannys if it makes me feel shit for whatever reason. Massive sexual stimulation takes away from what really matters in life.

    Underdog, if I had the power, I'd knight you.
  20. topkipper

    topkipper New Member

    Several years ago I was doing the 21 year old thing out in Thailand... (You may see where this is going) got absolutely wasted, found a nice looking hooker and went back to my room.

    This is all very out of character by the way.

    To cut a long story short (which culminated in me being attacked with a whiskey bottle).. In the room se whipped her dick out, and being drunk, depressed and always a bit of a risk chaser I though 'fuck it'

    Anyways, eventually the self loathing came to me too. I thought I was forever tarred by this, and the worst thing was I would have a secret I could only carry to the grave. Weird but I found that was a burden.

    Eventually, (drunk) again! I had a conversation with an old friend of mine, a respectable good looking guy who is always with beautiful women and I told him. His reaction- to tell me about all the fucked up gay porn and fantasies he indulges in and fair play for me having a go... Unexpected.
    Another time I told another friend, a respectable straight doctor... And he just thought it was funny and told me about his fucked up experiences in boarding school.

    I felt better because I realised that this kind of weird shit is pretty common even if people admit to it. I spoke to two (admittedly eccentric) friends and they were not phased in the slightest. They're got on with their lives and why can't I? Never had any urges that way since. Should be a good chapter to add to my posthumous autobiography!

    Anyways, all the bad feelings come from yourself, who gives a fuck what you did on one fucked up night? It doesn't define who you are. That's what I've come to realise and although I have many other issues... I really couldn't give a toss about that episode anymore.

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