stumble

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by badger, Feb 8, 2021.

  1. badger

    badger Active Member

    I fell. again. yesterday. I was not going to fess up because I felt horrible. after giving people suggestions/advice. I did not practice what I preach. as I have stated the relapse started days before with me looking at youtube. was watching a podcast when I glanced at a video of a overly provocative model. this was my trigger. I should know better. this started the snowball effect. then I start thinking of this video all day. when I get home I go to youtube again. more of same videos-innocent I tell myself, it's not hard porn. then I start fantasizing. "stinking thinking" they call it in AA. eventually I go to the porn sites and type in my favorite porn stars. it is a shame that I know so many porn star's names, their genre, their favorite positions, etc. that tells me how far down this rabbit hole I have gone. I did not play the tape through. after the 3 second pleasure I felt gross. dirty. filthy. incomplete. not man enough. guilty. like a loser. sneaky. with a dirty secret. I could feel that everyone knew what I had done. may not be true, but I felt it anyway. so today I reset my counter. if I finish today clean it will be day one. I got in the ring with the gorilla again and got my ass kicked again. I can never win against this monster. never get in a pissing contest with a skunk!. my best chance for success is to stay out of the ring. I was going to reply this post to one thread, but I figured it would do me good, and maybe someone else, to put it out there for everyone to see. be transparent. tired of hiding. I hope I learned from this shameful backtrack. hang in there, I am. and like the badger will fight this enemy till the death.
     
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Its part of it . In ringf with gorilla eventually you will win your staying out will give you a false sense of security. You will be ok trust me I have been there!
     
    realness likes this.
  3. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Keep it up, badger. Try your best to get back on the horse, and you’ll be fine. You’ve made it to 100 days, you can do it again.
     
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Keep going ! Remember that all the sober days you've achieved still count !
     
  5. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil New Member

    Hey Badger You hac
    Stumbling is part and parcel of recovery but boy is it horrible. I get exactly the same sorts of negative dirty feelings. I am only on day three from my latest stumble so I can really sympathise. You can do this!
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    If you only looked for 3 seconds, and did not PMO, I don't think you need to clear your counter. Stopping yourself shows that you have built of real strength. Personally I would say "well done!"
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.

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