Struggling to get free

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Sage, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    *sigh* I can't believe I'm still here. Its been a while since I posted and I'm sad that I needed to. After failing to go a straight week without relapsing I thought it a good idea to start keeping track of myself by posting daily. The good news is that I've greatly limited my porn viewing. In the last 3 months the most I've watched in a week is twice. I am aiming to make that zero. I don't have work so I'm home all the time and that adds to the challenge. These days I feel like everyone is making progress while i'm here trying to get out of a prison I put myself in. My performance in bed can be better. I am still dealing with PE. I am taking responsibility for putting balance in my life and I hope that I can reach my goal of being PMO free in the next few months. I will learn from the mistakes I made in Q1 of this year
     
  2. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day One
    I managed to ward off the chaser effect and have a PMO free day. I've been self conscious for most of the day feeling like I've made my penis really week. I also got to know that I didn't get a job I'd applied for. I won't let that get me down though. Plenty of opportunities, I just have to be ready to take them. I worked out,ate healthy,read and basically did all the things I wanted to. Didn't tell my girl that I PMO'd coz she'd be really disappointed even though she could tell I was down. Just told her it was not getting the job. Reducing the time I've spent on social media has also really helped me come along way to reducing my masturbating habits. I just now need to reduce time spent on Youtube and improve my mindfulness as well. Meditation has been challenging but I'm taking it slow, being still every morning for 5 minutes. Progress!
     
  3. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day Two
    I wasn't that much productive today but I checked off some things off my to-do list as well. I also downloaded the hypnosis audio on YBOP, eager to try it out. On to a better tomorrow!
     
  4. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day five
    Had a pretty good weekend,resisted temptations here and there, went out with my gf and managed to have sex. It wasn't my best performance because I know I can do better. Started learning stuff about the male archetypes. Interesting stuff about masculinity. I'm looking to dive further into understanding myself and seeing why I have the need to lust despite having a gf,despite knowing that PMO is bad for me. Its not just enough to quit, I want to grow as well. I hope there's someone out there who can relate. On a positive note I watched a movie called Whiplash which has really gotten me fired up on improving my skill. On to a better tomorrow!
     
  5. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day Six
    Made the mistake of accessing twitter and ended up edging. This feeling sucks. It sucks that I can't rely on my willpower because its that low at the moment. Going to go shower and try and turn my day around
     
  6. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day One
    I'm back at it again. Hopefully I've learned from my mistakes. As Henry Ford said,"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again,this time more intelligently"
     
  7. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day Two
    Had an okay day two. Spent it learning stuff related to my field. Worked out,meditated,read and generally had a good day. I still spend way too much time on Youtube but one step at a time. I'm just happy I'm staying away from social media. I haven't looked for a job because I'm scared I'm not ready for one. I have to get out of this comfort zone and start making progress on my career. To a better tomorrow!
     
  8. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Relapsed! Who's fault? Mine Using what Instagram when I know I shouldn't use any social media and staying up late. Fuck!
     
  9. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day Two
    I had a good start to the week. I did everything on my to-do list even went outside despite feeling anxious. I haven't had major urges today but I know they will be there some time this week. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the much I don't know in my field and its kind of paralyzing but I'm taking it one step at a time. I won't compare myself to those ahead of me. I also listened to Logic's new album and there was a song about anxiety which I related to so much. That song made my day. Anyway,moving forward
     
  10. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day Four
    I had a good day today. I wasn't all that productive but I was happy. I've applied for some job opportunities, I hope the best works out. I also watched an interesting video on YouTube titled "The Willpower Instinct" by Kelly McGonigal. She goes into things you can do to improve your willpower and I highly recommend it. Looking forward to a more productive day tomorrow!
     
  11. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day Five
    I had an okay day.I'm still trying to work on my time management and self discipline to accomplish more in a day. I've been feeling withdrawn and not interacting with anyone outside my family. I need to get into a more creative,productive state I just don't know how. I'm watching videos of other people creating. I love such videos as they really motivate me. I want to also create more time where I just get to meditate and sit in silence away from technology and external noise. I want to tap into my spirituality as well as that's very important for a man.
     
  12. super power

    super power Member

    just keep it up man...day by day...and eventually it will become easier
     
  13. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Thanks man, that's all I'm focusing on right now. One day at a time,step by step
     
  14. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day 6
    Another day completed! Spent most of it hanging out with a friend. I'm super tired right now so I can't write much. I'l go to bed instead and focus on making tomorrow even better!
     
  15. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Day 7
    Happy to have made it through the week! Now,to focus and do the same for next week. I've been monitoring my thoughts and found that I'm having a lot of negative thoughts. I don't even think I smile as much as I used to. I want that to change. I want to feel true joy this year. I've also been moody especially to my gf which is ironic since women are the ones who are supposed to be moody. It sucks but I believe that with time and when I learn to balance myself, my mood will improve. I also watched a movie recommended by one of the members here titled,"Dead Poets Society" starring Robin Williams. Fantastic movie! One which I'd recommend to everyone here. That movie really spoke to me. Onward to week two!
     
    Nuwanda likes this.
  16. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Fucking relapsed!! Fuck! I know people advise not to hate yourself after a relapse but I can't help it. Started with an instagram post,a music video on youtube,edging for hours then the full deal. What's weird is that when I was edging it was like I was two people and immediately I started watching porn the me that was trying to motivate me to stop went quiet. This is the worst kind of slavery because its in the mind! the countless videos I've watched on femdom and the like have really done a number on me. Now I have to focus on avoiding the chaser effect because that follows closely. I already don't feel like doing anything for the rest of the day. It really sucks having a low esteem like the whole time I had the thought of I can never satisfy my gf like the guys/women in those videos can so why bother. It feels like I have different people reside in me and hollow self came out to play today. I was tempted not to continue posting but I know that's what the addiction wants. I knew this wasn't going to be easy when I started so I won't ever quit. I just have to master my mind.
     
  17. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    I've also noticed that the opposite of me being present is either me dwelling on my past mistakes or wanting for time to pass really quickly. Like I'm always like"Can't wait for the day to end so that I can do....","Can't wait for the week to end so that....." "Can't wait till x months to end so that......" I need to live in the now and stop running away from my current state. Maybe I relapse easily because I don't even realize that I'm getting those feelings in that moment then my brain just goes into auto-pilot because the actual pilot(me) is not even steering the plane.
     
  18. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    Hey man, awesome journal! Cool that you decided to check out dead poets society, it's a moving one.

    I like your determination, and your decision to never stop going. This is very powerful, and I believe this is what is gonna get you through it all. I believe in you man, I know you can do this because you keep showing up and trying even though it hurts. I totally relate to the feeling of having two minds, one that rationalizes porn, and one that loathes it. That's part of what can be challenging about this addiction, that it feels like there is no control. This addiction all leads back to the absolute building blocks of how we perceive the world, pain and pleasure. Our rational mind finds less pleasure in not masturbating than our horny brain finds pleasure in masturbating. Thats my thoughts on the matter atleast. I'm currently working on changing this, by reframing how I view the pornography challenge (thats what I call my addiction) and getting into a mindset where there is more pain associated with watching porn than not watching porn in any situation. This of course is simple idea, but as I've experienced, it is not easy to put in action. I'm currently working on a plan where I will reward myself for not masturbating in certain intervals, and make the price for relapsing more than it currently is.

    I would recommend starting some new habits, this is what has given me the most improvement. My first habit was to read 10 pages of a good book everyday the first thing when I wake up. Gotta get some chores done at 7? better wake up at 5.30 then, because those pages has to be read. I have days like when I am hangover or too sick when I dont do this, but all other days I make sure to complete it all. In just a year I have added on habits, and stared getting a schedule I love that doesn't feel like a chore. I have read probably 20 lifechanging books, started meditating for 15 minutes everyday, started writing sentences on self-esteem (from 6 pillars of self esteem, the book) play guitar every day, write what I am grateful for every morning and some fast morning workout. Also I have taken better care of my health overall. If you want any input on where to start on building great habits feel free to ask. All this is really improving my life, and it is great, but I realise I have not put too much effort into making a habit of improving how I look at porn and sexualisation of women, and having a battle plan to beat my challenge. I believe that to be truly important, to handle something this serious with utter determination. I see your amazing resistance, and will to do great things, but it seems you are like me and need to put some more healthy habits in place. We can do this together brother, keep it up! Proud of you

    Nuwanda
     
    Sage likes this.
  19. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Hey,thanks for the movie recommendation. It spoke volumes to me! I've never had a captain in my life,guess I'm going to have to be my own captain. Thing is, I have things I want to make habits, I just haven't yet and thats all on me. I started learning the guitar and mandarin, I just haven't made them into a daily thing and I'm writing a plan right now of how long I'l spend on each,daily. I also need to improve my skill and find a job or source of income. Thanks for the advice and yes we'l do this together...we have to as men
     
  20. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    This is so true! I lived for so long trying to find someone to guide me, but then I realised that I have my own path I have to find myself. However, there is plenty good books out there that give really good advice on how to handle every single aspect of life, there is no need to try to find out all of this on your own. I would recommend on starting with "the slight edge" by Jeff Olson, it talks about exactly what you are writing about, getting new habits and improving in the most important sections of life. The books main message is that difference between success and failure can be as little as 5% difference in effort, and it shows how you can effectively improve your life in a very easy and non-extreme manner to significantly improve results in the long run. Really worth the read, it will set you on a path guaranteed. I would recommend ordering it and reading 10 pages of it every day. It was originally recommended by the Underdog (admin of this website) so it is a book that ties in well with fighting pornography addiction.
     

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