Struggling for time (200+ days of no PMO)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by VeniVidiVici, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Man all the Divisional NFL games were tooo crazy!!


    Have you been having wetdreams or being waken up from night time erections at all, just curious?

    keep killing it!
     
  2. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Have been waking up during the night with erections and when I 'organically' woke up as well every now and then. Happened in the beginning, then it went away for a bit, but they're coming back. Sometimes they might be induced though because I have to pee as well.

    Didn't have any wet dreams so far, although I do have to say that as far as I know I've never had one. Not sure whether this is weird or not..

    And yes the NFL games were pretty damn insane, just the Patriots game was a bit of a bummer, since it was pretty clear who was going to win.
     
  3. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 65 || 43

    Sorry this will be a long one. If you feel it's too long to read scroll down to the end. Feel like I use this journal now, to write down whatever comes up into my mind which is related to PMO or ED.

    Damn, tonight has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Day started good, had to get up for work early, but had a lot of energy so felt up for, was really productive and felt good. All in all great start of the day. After dinner it all started. I was talking to the girl I used to date, and after some small talk I asked her something about her ex (thing is that she kinda broke up with him, during her stay here. (she was on exchange here) Partially had to do with me, but also with stuff being weird.) Before she went back, we basically agreed to remain friends, and if the opportunity would rise that we could be together again we would see if there would be something in our future. She really values to stay in touch with me, so at one point, she kinda begged me to not give up on that friendship if she would get back together with the other guy. Of course I agreed, since it is just ridiculous to say no something like that, I don't own her, we don't have a label, and certainly no certain future. Never really felt like it was a competition, since all that took and takes place on another continent, so didn't see it as losing or something if that would happen.

    Ok, back to the present, so I asked her how she was doing with that guy, since she is going back to school soon. And I really still do care for her, so I want her to be happy and told her she could tell me anything. Apart from that I was just curious as well. She replied that she talked to him, they evened stuff out, are friends again, and that she would see whether it would become something more once more. As every guy knows, who has a some sort of ex, it just sucks to even think that your ex could be with someone else, especially when you still have feelings for that person. So this kinda fucked me up mentally. For some reason all of a sudden all it did feel like a competition. So started looking at myself, and felt just really shit. I know I am a great guy, but just the whole ED fucks me up. All of a sudden I feel like it did matter for that relationship and for her. Although I know she really enjoyed us being together, it is impossible to know how she really felt.

    So from this me first thought was, ok I seriously need to get over this. So first thing that popped into my mind: rebound. Very soon after this thought appeared, the next thought entered my mind: how fucked it would it be, if you couldn't even fuck a rebound. (In general the only reason to have a rebound is just to have some sex, to try to prove to yourself you're over your last girl.) That really gave another big blow to my confidence.

    This made me think of the last sort of relationship I had before that, which ended about 10 months ago. Weirdest relationship I ever had. We met one night at a club, a friend of mine just got some drugs, and I asked her whether she wanted to join us. So the three of us went back to my place, and just chilled out there. She didn't leave until 8pm the next day. We didn't even try to have sex or anything, we just cuddled talked etc. (Mind you, just met her and basically spent the next 20 hours with her.) Met up with her 2 days after, and she told me all about her being an emotional train wreck. (Issues with ex-boyfriends, which led to big confidence and commitment issues.) Went out, got drunk, tried to have sex. Fail! As you might have guessed ED. (Again this time, we basically spent 20 hours straight together. So in total about 40 out of 72 hours after I just met her.)
    Met up with her a couple of times after, felt she really enjoyed being around me and feeling safe around me, still no proper sex. After that she became more distant, at first I denied it, but after some time, when I was drunk, I wrote an essay calling her out on it, saying that I really liked her, knew she liked me, knew about her issues, but still felt like she was just being plain stupid to try to push me away like that. Back then I really felt like it was just the intimacy thing that freaked her out, because of she being a 'train wreck'. Felt like it sucked real bad, but moved on. Ran into her a couple of times after, and just felt there was still a connection, but we both didn't act upon it. Now I start to wonder whether it was the fear of intimacy that drove her away, or just the feeling that I didn't get turned on by her or something. More or less again, that the ED drove her away.

    While thinking all this stuff through I felt less of a guy, started to really doubt myself, and on top of that there was some kind of show about gays coming out on playing on the television, so even started to think whether I just fucked up my sexual orientation or something. (I know this is not true, but it sucks second guessing yourself.) Weird thing is that I did have proper sex as well over the last years, for some weird reason though, the less I liked a girl, the better the sex was. Maybe this is just a coincidence, maybe not. The two girls I liked the most, I had the greatest difficulty of having sex with. This obviously points towards performance anxiety.

    Ok, so after this I felt like getting some sort of happy feeling again, luckily though it never really occurred to me to go and PMO. Chose to watch some feel good movie and for some reason picked Love, and other Drugs. What I didn't know that there was a lot of sex in it, it even covered porn addiction, it covered ED (albeit short and not in relation to the porn addiction) and the guy become a sale prep for Viagra for crying out loud. Anyway already in an emotional state, the movie did something to me, although I don't really know what. Not like I cried or something, but I felt far stronger mood swings during this movie than I usually have. For some reason the movie also made me think about my situation and how I feel towards the girl that just left. Still trying to figure out, whether I really liked liked her or just liked her. (Because I have been turned on more by other girls, but this might be again my mind playing tricks on me, trying to protect myself from blaming it on myself.) Not sure whether I miss her or just being with someone. And again every single feeling that comes up I start second guessing, since my mind tells me to move the fuck on.

    Anyway back to the ED, which is basically why I'm here, writing this journal. I really do believe porn helped me getting performance anxiety, never looked it up until I found YBOP. Really think that watching porn made me feel like I have to live upto the standards portrait in the movies. To be honest I really don't have that much experience, started quite late, have had sex with about 10 different women, but most of which were just one night stands. So this feeling that I had to live up to those standards, combined with the feeling that I am lacking experience is creating a lot of anxiety for me. Combine this with masturbating at least once a day (to porn) really desensitized me as well. Remember when I was younger (before I had my own computer with High Speed Internet) I could get hard by just watching some extremely softcore stuff on the Playboy channel or something. After I got my first computer it turned into something mechanical.

    Always blamed my ED on alcohol, tiredness whatever. Now I know it is because of serial PMO and performance anxiety. The PMO part I am taking care of right now, and isn't that hard anymore. The anxiety bit will be a bit harder. I've noticed that when my mind knows something sexual will happen, my body shoots into overdrive and my heartbeat goes up like crazy. Again a sign of anxiety.
    Really don't think it is anything physical, because I do get nocturnal wood quite often, which is pretty hard, and I really think hard enough for penetration. So because of that I don't think I have to see a urologist or something.
    It's all just stuck in my mind, and I have to find some sort of confidence in myself to overcome it, preferably with a girl who is very understanding.

    Oh well I don't know how everything will move on from here, feel like I'm accepting more and more that I have to work on it. Which is a big step for me. Really have to try to embrace it, instead of fighting it. Try to channel positive energy instead of doubt.

    Anyway guys, up until now thanks so much for reading my journal, hope you guys find something that helps you out.

    Thanks so much as well for all the responses as well! Means a lot to me!!

    TL;DR

    Feel like an emotional train wreck at the moment, but I guess I am started to embrace the fact that I have PIED together with performance anxiety, instead of fighting it. Hope this will lead me out of this dark place.
     
  4. Bob Jenkins

    Bob Jenkins New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Great entry. I think you captured the essence of why we are all here. Pied fucks up our ability to connect with those that we need to connect with. I can really relate to times in my life when i should have sealed the deal and didn't and then to find her out of my life in the next frame. Stay committed. There's a lot of life up ahead...and many fine women too.
     
  5. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Thanks for the support Bob!
     
  6. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    And my mind is really playing tricks on me. Woke up with the most natural morning wood since a really long time, which lasted pretty long.
     
  7. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 66 || 44

    Like I said in the post above, woke up with the strongest morning wood in a long time. At night something bad happened though, went out for dinner with a friend of mine, got drunk went out. While being out, and drunk, I didn't feel like hitting on any girl. Was still checking them out, but didn't feel like acting upon it. Mainly just cos I just really missed the girl I dated. Missing someone while drunk and mobile phones is a deadly combination. Sent a massive essay to the girl I dated, telling her I missed her, that I felt shit about her possibly getting back together with that other guy. Did say that I know that I can't do anything about it though since I don't own her, but it was quite an intense message. After that I just went to bed and passed out.

    This morning I had a message back just saying 'This is a lot for my to process now.' So feel shit this morning. Although everything I said is true, I still shouldn't have sent it, I mean, what's the gain? On the other hand I'm not sure whether I should apologize or something, since it is all true.

    Why can't I just be over her and move on..
     
  8. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Because she's the shit man.
     
  9. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    MV, she might be. But then still it won't work now and we both agreed long distance isn't gonna work, so all that I'm left with is moving on for now...

    Day 67 || 45

    So had to deal with the fallout of that message I sent yesterday. Felt really bad this morning, but she reacted pretty cool to it, so that made me feel a little better. Have been walking around all day though with the whole situation on my mind. Luckily went to a movie with some friends after work (Django Unchained, awesome movie btw) and we went out for drinks after, which lifted my spirits a little, as well since I could talk about the whole situation. Really feel like talking really helps a lot, but also writing here makes me try to focus more on the core of what I'm feeling.

    Another thing that's really good, is that every single time I feel down, the urge to (P)MO is becoming to get less and less. Just curious though whether the breaking up situation will affect my reboot, by either slowing it down or speeding it up. Really don't have any libido the last couple of days. Of course it's because of my state of mind, but it also might be another flatline period or something.
     
  10. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 68 || 46

    Pretty good day yesterday, went out for dinner with my mum. During which it was good to tell her about the feelings had I had/have for my ex. After that I went for some beers for a bunch of friends, which was nice. And I actually started to check out girls again, with the goal to hook up with them, so thats good :) I think it's only a matter of time, before I will get back on the horse..
     
  11. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 69 || 47

    Really feel I'm over the cravings for now. :) Actually even felt it was fun again, to flirt a little with some girls today. Which again was good, cos it proves me that I can try to move on. Apart from that morning wood this morning, no spontaneous erections or anything else. Hope I'll meet some girl sometime soon, just to have fun with, even if it would be short-term.
     
  12. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 70 || 48

    And after a good day comes one of the worst days yet.. Woke up this morning, felt really tired although I had slept 7 hours, had a meeting at 10 and I haven't felt this anxious and awkward around people in a really long time. Still probably didn't even act that weird, I just felt terrible. After the meeting I tried to get some uni work done, but after 2 hours of staring to a screen, basically doing nothing, I decided to go home.

    On the way home I felt that I was getting sadder and sadder, and when I eventually come home I basically crashed on the couch. Laid there for about 2 hours and actually cried. Thing a lot of changing things around me, together with the uncertainty of my future all come to me.
    An important factor is as well that I'm reading a book. My ex gave it to me before she left. It's catcher in the rye, and for some reason I really relate to the main character Holden. He tries to act tough and cool all the time, but while doing that he is just pushing everyone away and ends up lonely... Kinda felt today, that I was really different than everyone around me, that really contributed to me feeling down as hell. Now at night, while I'm writing this, I feel a little better luckily. Hope tomorrow will be better for me..
     
  13. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 71 || 49

    And after a day of misery comes another, fell sick last night. So that meant I have been stuck to my bed all day. Which proved to be another test. Since laying around in bed, bored is usually something that ends badly, PMO-wise. Add to that, that I've been watching a show to kill time and I picked Californication (which contains as some of you may now, a lot of sex scenes). All in all a bit of a struggle, but so far so good.

    The lot of alone time, also made me think about missing the goold old ex. She's been a bit self-centered, when it comes to messaging. Which is good fuel for me to get some closure.
     
  14. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 72-73 || 50-51

    Can't believe I haven't O'ed in more than 50 days, this is probably the longest ever since 10 years or maybe even longer. Recovered from my flu and actually feel good today. Feel quite energetic. Was supposed to go to a concert with a friend of mine tonight, but he bailed. Still contemplating whether to go or not, since it is always a bit awkward to go alone. But I think I might jus gonna give it a shot.
    Concerning the health of my little friend I'm not sure, the one point I feel like it is healthy and on the right track, the next I'm not sure there is any progress. I know that I'm getting closer to the '90 days mark' and I don't wanna quit or anything, but it is nice to feel some progress to boost my confidence that I will be able to perform next time in the bed room.

    Watching Californication actually helped me a little getting the urge again to go into the game of flirting with girls, simply because it is fun. Don't get me wrong, I do this in general, just not as much while I'm with someone (or while I'm in the process of dealing with a breakup).

    If I don't make it to the show tonight, I'll go out tomorrow night. Curious what it will bring me :)
     
  15. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 74 || 52

    So actually went to the concert yesterday, danced my ass off all by myself, some girls were definitely interested, but I didn't feel like even trying anything, girls weren't cute enough + I had to bounce straight after the show. I feel I'm getting from the point that I really start to enjoy flirting again to the the next stage. Which is actually acting upon it. For some reason every single time I make a move over and stick to it, it will stick (this might sound really cocky, but it's just the way it is). So my problem right now is, that I have to figure out, whether I feel like trying to get some sort of new romantic experience. Guess that will be the big question tonight, gonna catch up with some friends and go out after. Guess I'll let it depend upon my mood and the crowd whether I'm gonna try to make some more progress.
     
  16. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 75-76 || 53-54

    Had two big nights out. And I'm happy to say that my libido is coming back and that I really feel like I'm moving on. Talked to some people on Friday and got a girls number, in other words not that much action. Had a really great time though.

    Went to some Australia day celebration yesterday, which resulted in getting absolutely shitfaced. Talked to some girls, but nothing really came from that. (A couple of them had boyfriends, so that made it harder as well.)

    I'm really happy though that its fun again to talk and flirt with girls. :)
     
  17. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Hey man just caught up with your entries of the past week. 50+ days of no orgasm - incredible, truly a feat.
     
  18. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Thanks Modus!

    Day 77 || 55

    Yesterday was just a recovery day, so I don't have that much to report. I do feel however, that weirdly enough watching first couple of seasons of Californication kickstarted my libido somewhat. Not sure it's because of all the beautiful women in there, or just cos it's a testosterone boost, because of the alpha-male behavior..
     
  19. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 78 || 56

    Starting to relax a little lately, the emotional rollercoaster is starting get a little slower. Also feel that a good rest at night really boosts my general outlook on life and also improves my nocturnal or morning wood.
     
  20. Bob Jenkins

    Bob Jenkins New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Sleep is SO important.
     

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