Struggling for time (200+ days of no PMO)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by VeniVidiVici, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 31

    Yesterday was fine, slow day at work. Thereafter went for a drink with a friend and thereafter went out with my gf. We both got really drunk and it turned out to be a crazy night in the end, she basically had some sort of mental breakdown. Nothing happened apart from that, because after her mental breakdown the mood wasn't really set for sex.

    Today I feel shit actually, weird nights like yesterday just make our connection stronger. I really tried to suppress my feelings for her, since I knew it would end anyway. But over the last couple of days it has been harder and harder not to face those feelings. I'm at work and feel shit. I'm sure that in a week time, when she leaves, I'll be down in the dumps. I'm really afraid I'll fall back to MO then, to create some sort of dopamine spike.
     
  2. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 32

    The sort of anxiety I explained in yesterday's post is already kicking in, because I know she will leave soon. I might see her tonight, but as of know I'm laying here lonely in my bad, feeling like complete shit, because of the whole situation. For the first time since a long time, I actually have the urge to M to try to get my mind of it..
     
  3. kodomin

    kodomin New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Yea, but you know that it will not solve anything. If anything, not masturbating will make you feel stronger in the long run!
     
  4. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Yeah that's what I told myself, and it worked. Went for a run, and that helped as well to clear my head and have some exercise.
     
  5. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 33
    Met up with my girl at night, went out, got drunk, and I wasn't able to get it up again, just a semi. It's really starting to drive me crazy, especially since I woke up a couple of hours later with nocturnal wood. Pfff, Next retry tomorrow night.. The confidence I described a couple of posts ago is starting to leave me though, and the anxiety about my ED is coming back..
     
  6. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    At least 1 thing is pretty clear: she likes you for you. Don't take that for granted.
     
  7. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    I know and I'm so glad with that. :) On the other side: it does make saying goodbye even harder though and makes me wanting to perform even more.. :s
     
  8. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 34
    Slept in until like midday, then got up, did some shopping and met up with my girl, we went to see a museum, strolled around the Xmas market and then I cooked her a romantic dinner after which we watched a movie in my bed.
    During and after the movie we made out a little and I could feel an instant reaction, the annoying bit is though, when I notice it, I start to focus on it, which works counterproductive. Never got a 100% hard on, but in the beginning at least there was something 70/80 going on. In the end even though we didn't even try it, it wasn't gonna happen anyway. I found out that we kind of have the same routine though every single time, so I might change it up a little next time. To slow the process basically, so my mind, hopefully, will be less fixated. She is amazing about it all btw, not pushy or anything, although she didn't have (proper) sex for about half a year now as well.
    Two things that bug me though:
    - I actually was really tired around 11pm, although I didn't even get up until noon. Not sure whether its just general sleep deprivation, stress, or something else. Two things that might contribute though are that I worked out the day before, and I found out I should work out more, and I didn't take any Ginseng capsules for the last day, which I have been taking basically since the start of the reboot.
    - Second thing is that every night we spend together, at some point during the night I wake up with nocturnal wood, which frustrates me even more..

    Oh well, for next time I guess I'm just gonna try to go for the slow option and really try to take things really slow, since the routine now is just kissing, turning into proper making out and then a really quick phase-switch into getting naked in no time, after which the disappointment comes in general..

    Guess my main problem is the fixation part, I guess some sort of meditative state could work, does anyone have any tips when it comes to this? Or how to block out the anxiety... The help would be much appreciated! :)
     
  9. kodomin

    kodomin New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    You seem to have a good girl there. I think you should just push it. I have a similar problem with anxiety, and I don't really see any way out of it except to actually do something with a girl. Which in turn will create a reference experience of success. Maybe you could start off by getting a handjob/bowjob, playing with her pussy, eating it out. You know, to get used to it. So that the pressure of performing would drop, and instead this "playfulness" would come in.
     
  10. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Nearly every day now I fantasize about the moments where I could have had surprise sex with my then gf, especially when one is still asleep. I wish I was you during those nights man...
     
  11. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    kodomin, yeah totally agree. Problem is though that I don't have that much time with this girl (hence the title of my journal), because she is leaving on Saturday. This urge to be able to perform is making the anxiety even worse. We didn't even try the last two times, partially because we were tired as well. But I feel like she is kinda sad, when I get her turned on and there isn't a follow up..

    ModusVivendi, haha :p Thing is though that that would work maybe if we actually had proper sex a couple of times, but to start out like that, feels to me, like a dog humping someone's leg. ;)

    Day 35
    Easy day at work, went to dinner with a friend, then met up with my girl and we decided to do a bit of molly, since she never had done that. After that she had a big drop in dopamine and seemed really down (she has anti-depression medication as well), so I just comforted her and we fell asleep like that.
    This morning I proposed basically what I put in my last post and what kodomin said as a response as well. But she didn't seem to up for it, maybe because she still was too sleepy, maybe she just has given up on it. To be clear, I didn't want it to happen this morning, but I was talking in the general sense. Basically just 2 proper nights to go together, so the pressure is on. Just really want to finish this properly, so the whole ED thing will not be a death cloud hanging over all this..
     
  12. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 36
    Had a relaxed day. Nothing special. Got home late, made dinner, and wet to bed around 10pm already. Tried to meditate for about 20-30 mins, which was rewarding and tried some kegel exercises, but I'm still trying to figure all that out. Before I actually went to sleep I had the strong urge to test my progress.. Thank god I didn't though.. Woke up this morning with morning wood. Have been having it regularly lately, but sometimes I'm not sure whether they are regular morning wood, or just cos I have to pee. (There isn't a 1-to-1 relationship between the two, but still...)
     
  13. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 37-39
    Didn't leave the my girl's side basically for three days, since it were her final days over here. We had an amazing time, did a lot of stuff, and in the end we didn't even try to have sex. Partially because we were just tired every night, but I also felt like we didn't really need it to have a good time.
    This morning/night was the hard hard though, she left. (She basically is the whole reason I started this reboot.) Took her to the airport this morning and had a very emotional goodbye, since we don't know when or if we will see each other again. So we basically also decided not to force any label of bf/gf (long distance) onto ourselves.
    After that on my way home, I honestly cried as I never have. Actually thinking about it now, makes my tears come up again. When I came home I had a very strong urge to MO, since I was kind of in a state of 'What's the use now anyway?', kinda felt like I lost my goal. Glad I didn't MO though, although I'm actually still not sure why I wouldn't. Feel like I lost my mind a little, on what to do. Didn't really started this whole reboot because I had any problems with social anxiety or anything, just PIED/or ED through anxiety (I'm still not sure which one). So I guess I will just take an easy weekend and try to get my mind straight again..
     
  14. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    That sucks that she left. This weekend will be the defying moment for your reboot I think. This is where you will think everything through and make some big decisions.
     
  15. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 40
    The day after, life felt pretty unreal (in the bad sense that is, this time.) So weird that the one moment you're holding someone and a couple of hours later you feel and are further away then you've ever been. Spent most of my day in bed and on the couch, listening to music, talking to some friends of fb, actually trying to think as little as possible, since over-thinking everything has been ruining a decent amount of my life, at least that is what I believe now.

    On the other (positive) side I got a spontaneous erection, which was totally solid for the first time during my reboot, if I'm not mistaken. Same this morning, solid erection, and it felt 'clean' in the way that I needed no stimulation in the form of playing with it or the urge to pee. So that's great, no urge to masturbate as well this morning. I have assured myself that keep going in my reboot is the way to go, if not for this girl, then maybe for another. In the end I will be the one benefiting from it anyway.
     
  16. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 41-42
    Still a bit down about the whole situation, especially since it's around Xmas (Merry Xmas everybody btw). Actually having urges to M now, far more than before.. So far have been able to stay away from it, but the loneliness makes me craving it more.
     
  17. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 43-44
    Kinda feel like I'm in flatline. It could be caused either by physiological or mental reasons, I'm not sure about that. Although just being around family might have contributed to it as well. Haven't O'd this long since I probably was around 12 or something, it is easier though then I expected. I'm not sure if I feel better or anything, but overall I feel pretty relaxed.
    Probably will go out tomorrow or even today, maybe that will reboot the libido, not sure. Especially cause I'm not sure whether I even want to be with a girl right now.
     
  18. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 45-46
    Getting bigger cravings to masturbate again, it really sucks.. Guess everything is getting to me. Apart from that nothing special
     
  19. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Struggling for time

    That spontaneous erection you had was a really good sign.
     
  20. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Struggling for time

    Day 47
    Nothing really special to report, went for a run, which didn't go as good as expected, which bugged me a little. Apart from that I've been packing for my week of NYE holiday fun. So I guess my journal won't be updated until next week.
     

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