Struggle & Progress

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by dirtmeister, Feb 16, 2018.

  1. dirtmeister

    dirtmeister New Member

    I'm currently in my mid-40s. I first watched porn about three decades ago when I snuck into my brother's room and watched a VHS tape he had stashed. I beat up on myself a lot over the years for taking that course of action but now in all honesty can admit that if I had to do all over again - as a 13 year old and not as a middle-aged, wiser man - I would probably take the same course of action as I was innocently overcome with curiousity, sexual lust and lack of positive guidance during the most formative years of my youth.

    I've been passively fighting against porn addiction for the past 20 years and actively engaged in the struggle for about three years now since I had a borderline-suicidal ED episode, and whereas the whole situation was embarassing and disheartening in hindsight I'm sort of glad it happened because actually forming a serious relationship or even worst getting that chick pregnant would have been disastrous as I've since learned that she's basically a bitch.

    I first came across this site about 2 1/2 years ago when the distress of that disappointment was still fresh. It was very difficult at first, as I suffered flatlines and saw basically no signs of improvement for months. I had streaks of abstinence here and there but nothing that exceeded two weeks, and even a streak of that length was rare. Then things really changed when I found myself in a situation where I was staying with some guys and no longer spending the bulk of my residential time alone. Under such circumstances, especially with handheld devices, you can still PMO if you want to, but being that I had been engaged in the struggle for so long I saw this situation as a blessing in disguise and used it to go on some relatively-longer streaks.

    Since then I've now once again found myself in a situation where I spend most of my time alone. At first PMO wasn't really an issue, and I would say it still doesn't have the grip on me its had in the past, but sometimes I slip, and in fact currently I'm sliding, which is why I've decided to come back to this site. For three consecutive nights the P has claimed my integrity, and my plan is when the temptation strikes again to come straight to this forum since others have said that strategy works for them. I tried the same strategy in the past - around the time I first came to this site - and failed miserably, but this time I'm banking on the disciplinary progress I've made thus far in the journey helping me through, as in I'm not starting from square-one.

    One positive thing I would like to end this introductory post with is that these days I can achieve a full hardon looking at P without even touching myself! I know my enthusiasm may sound comical, but around the time I first came to this site I could look at P and not get any reaction at all, not even sometimes when using my hand. So those streaks, even though you may break them at times, do positively accumulate, but for the sake of your self-image you shouldn't break the streaks. In fact my presence here right now is largely the result of a feeling of guilt not against a wife or a girlfriend but myself and my God, who despite being forgiving I feel is disappointed in me. I don't have a steady woman in my life and now realize more than ever that disciplining yourself not to engage in any sexual activity as a remedy to overcome PMO addiction is ambitious but perhaps unwise as we were made to screw, otherwise the P would have never gotten a hold on us in the first place, and sometimes I think guys on here don't see results because they don't engage in any activity at all. I just want to say to all the people out there struggling with no progress not to give up, because as far as I'm concerned mine is a success story even if I still have a ways to go.
     
  2. JustOneDayAtATime

    JustOneDayAtATime New Member

    Thanks for sharing your story, DirtMeister. This made me laugh out loud. I suppose that's a silver lining if anything is. It's not at all easy to be alone. I have been fortunate to have had good partners for most of my life. The times I have been on my own have been difficult ones. I always have found keeping busy and getting about to be helpful. But like many things, it's easier said than done.
     
    dirtmeister likes this.
  3. dirtmeister

    dirtmeister New Member

    I had a relapse last night but thankfully didn't wake up with the same feeling of guilt and disappoint that I usually have the morning after. I have my own personal theories to why this is so but won't get into that right now.

    I also had what I perceive as legitimate triggers but won't go there also, because an excuse is an excuse. Instead I'm looking for ways to improve my lifestyle so that it won't happen again. Between last night and the previous relapse I watched porn, which inevitably lead to edging, just to gague my erection level, and whereas that didn't lead to immediate PMO I believe once you do that eventually you have to let off.

    I'm also slowly but surely starting to come to the conclusion that abstaining from sex outright may not be the ideal strategy unless you're going to regulate yourself to a monastery or some type of environment that is designed to bring about such a goal, and even then you see those priests who try the same and turn into homosexual child molesters. When you're suffering from PIED and flatlines obviously you have to abstain for awhile, but going like months and years without, when I read the blogs of people who have successfully done so I have to presume being able to stick to such a tough goal is great in terms of self-image but don't see how their cases are any better in terms of defeating PIED than those who have cured in it a couple of weeks, but maybe I'm speaking as the self-righteous man who exalted himself at the altar rather than the penitent sinner who begged for the forgiveness, although I don't feel like I'm being cocky just rather looking for the most natural way to overcome this burden.
     
  4. dirtmeister

    dirtmeister New Member

    I had another relapse last night, which is why you may notice my counter hasn't gone anywhere even though I started this blog five days ago. In my mind I'm thinking 'this is it, I'm never going to PMO again' but in reality my mind is going 'what power on Earth is goign to stop you from succumbing yet again tonight.' Here's a quote I read from a pastor I respect alot today that I hope will get me through:

    "Learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them. As you grow older, you have less time to recover or to make amends from a mistake you commit."​
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'. I've walked in your shoes regarding having a massive bout of ED when with a woman. It was actually a woman I cheated on my wife with. We had been flirting and sexting for quite awhile, but when it came time to be naked with her in person I felt nothing. But, then I felt like my head was going to burst. I wasn't suicidal, but it took me months to get over the humiliation. I was a dead man walking for a long period of time. Sexual addiction and P robs us of so much. Luckily, this isn't who we are really are. :) You are absolutely in the right place to get clean and stay that way.

    Before I got clean I would have agreed with this and thought it an excellent quote. Now I see it as shaming. Getting clean is not about making amends. It is about us claiming that which is rightfully ours, namely: our manhood. We weren't given the tools to do that, but it is never to late to become your own man. This journey is not about repentance or setting things right. It isn't about us getting right with God, either. The addict wants us to believe all this stuff because that's what keeps us stuck.

    You are at a great age, my friend. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. Find the energy, make the energy, to stay clean and everything else will fall in place.
     
    dig deep, dirtmeister and Libertad like this.

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