Story of a 22 year old Male who'd like to be heard...

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by cathartic37, Oct 13, 2017.

  1. cathartic37

    cathartic37 New Member

    Dear friends, I am Karan,22,software engineer. I'd like to post my journey before and during my ongoing 92 day journey. It's been a long road. It's gonna be a long post. Finally, I get it off my chest.

    Life before:
    To start with, I wasn't born a normal baby,I was into the world with problems. They say I used to be unconscious throughout the day, sporadically, 4-5 times due to strange and unknown reasons. I'd a lot of swallowing problems too. Whatever liquid went through mouth, came out from nose. This continued till I was 5. After that, some or other diseases robbed me of my health. I was a fluffy child, but I was reduced to skinny thin child.
    Life, was a series of ups and downs for me in the school. I was academically bright, I topped until 4th grade.
    When I was in 9 or 10, I met a girl and she used to come daily to my house to play. I still remembered I got a kiss from her on my cheeks and I gave a return gift too. After that, my dark phase began. I was mentally harassed by a couple of guys who were a bit older than me. I still remember been surrounded by them, on their circling cycles. Many times, my parents and sister tried to run them away, scolded them, but still I used to get picked up by them. Then I decided to stop playing. A couple of years on and things continued to be dim, I was better but not best in studies. I got so agitated and frustrated by my failure that I once tried to forge one of my answers in the answer sheet in a bid to get more marks. I was caught red-handed and big time.
    This was also the same year when my introduction to porn happened. Actually, I saw thumbnails of women in one of the pen-drives my dad was working with. I was so excited and curious as anybody to explore it. Fate also listened to it, my parents had to go out. So here's a 15-year child with a hydrogen-bomb-esque thing around him. I saw the nude and semi-nude pics of women. I also saw videos. I really got shocked. I had O'd without my hands (Obviously,back then I didn't knew sh*t about masturbation). It was like a flood. I remember I was so astonished that I screamed "That's why mom doesn't like foreigners"(no offense to anyone here).

    It was time for boards, as grade 10th is considered very important here. This was the year when built my own system of study and exercise.I worked really hard and finally there was some respite as I ended up being 3rd in my school and 4th in my city. In the meantime, there was MO, but it was never with those freaky stash. I'd stashed it up somewhere in my computer, but it was somehow removed. It was only with senses, though there might be fantasy. There were no issues with these things. But after O, every time I used to get very angry and harsh on me. It would act as a propellant for me to study ahead.

    Fast-forward to 3 years, I left school being an all-time topper, having topped 3 out of 4 times in the boards (I don't mean to brag at all, just want to state it all here). I'd built a very good reputation around my school and tuition teachers, my classmates as a sincere,punctual,obedient guy for my achievements during 3 years.
    That was the beginning of the end. As a matter of fact, during all these years of glory I was on 'digital detox'. I never had a smart phone, no Internet connection. So when we brought a dial-up connection, problems started to creep up. I really pleaded to my parents for not bringing an Internet connection. But that's what happened. There were signs of deterioration in early part of the year and that was displayed by my academic performance too. This was the year I got in the college, from where it got worse and kept on going downhill.
    I got into the best college of the state, but I never really felt good there. I was really playing catch-up there.

    Edit 1:
    I also went to a therapist, it was although late but never too late to mend it. I gave it a shot. I shouldn't be embarrassed to say this, but even my mom came with me. I'd told her about my mental problems, not like directly as 'porn addiction'. I cannot remember it all, I tell whatever I can recollect. The entire session was okay. I felt utterly obliterated and ashamed and I said that I was having this addiction with my head down. She said that it was very easy to destroy what I'd built. She gave a nice example on building the new. Then she also warned me that if I hadn't stopped now, I could end up in a mental hospital. That was spooky. It gave me goosebumps, but they weren't enough to prevent me from relapsing. Lastly, she also called in mom and asked her a few questions. Yes, the treatment was costly. We made a couple of sessions over the phone, but it was never really insightful and helpful as I spiraled back.

    Fast forward to 4 years, after the pain, guilt, shame, failure, regrets,abandonment, harassment, loneliness, disregard, treachery, betrayal, boycott to name a few things I got from the hostel. Hostile would actually undermine the atmosphere of it. I had no friends at all. It was a big relief to finally leave it. It was necessary as it was mandatory to undergo internship in semester 8th, starting from January. I came home, some 200 miles down south and got an internship. It was another sour dalliance. I wanted to get a better job. So, I started hunting one. Till now, I've come very close to getting an offer, but just to be denied.
    Wish me luck I find one soon.

    Actually, I wanted to quit it as early as 2013, when I was in college first year. I fapped once or twice before going to give final semester exams. That propelled me to find help online. I made it to a couple of websites, but not NoFap or YBOP or any other support forums or groups. It wasn't useful. Once out of frustration, I stopped fapping and happened to enter flatline, I was really afraid as I had no info about it. Though I managed to make it some 15 days or so (Thanks to college, they ceased my phone) I was back into it as soon as I got my phone. I tried umpteen methods and ways in my mind, my behavior, but I never really tried to understand how my brain works.
    I came across NoFap forum sometime in October or November last year. I read a few answers on Quora about people stating the harmful effects and benefits post abstinence. Then, I read most of the stuff on NoFap and realized there was this huge ugly and stinking mess to be cleaned around. I gave NoFap my first shot on Nov 24, 2016 and made it 58 days straight. But, I relapsed in Jan. It was an awful feeling. Throughout the time, I hadn't learned about my brain. After that, there were series of short streaks and relapses, it was all doom gloom. Even after this, I relapsed the day before my exams in April. This continued up until July.

    Finally, in July, I made a resolution to overcome this problem. I made it 'NoFap or Death'. I read 'Whack! Addicted to internet porn' by Noah BE Church twice, 'The science of willpower' by Kelly McGonigal. I've made a routine to write my diary everyday,stating about daily thoughts,challenges,feelings,willpower. I changed the way I used to meditate, using Insight Timer app. I exercise daily. Finally, I had my own study and exercise system again. I got morning wood on 90th day.

    It's been a long post, so to everyone who has read so far, a big thank you to you for hearing me out. I did all these without any real person support.

    I still have some social anxiety, I still get flashes, I still feel depressed, Of late I've been crying much than previous years,I still have no real close friends. Girls, they are an extinct species in my kingdom since I left school (no offense to anyone reading). I know I can get solutions to these problems, right now my goal is to get a job and make some great friends.

    I believe if I can get to this point, anyone can do. So, please look after yourself and the ones that love you, take the challenge, read and gain knowledge, learn and practice tips and techniques.

    All the best,
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2017

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