Stopping Forever

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by umbra, Dec 10, 2020.

  1. umbra

    umbra New Member

    Hello all. I will never watch porn again. This is my story and the start of a new chapter in my life.

    I'm 23 and never really recognized that porn was a problem until I met my girlfriend a little over two years ago. Early in the relationship, the topic of porn came up and I was open in telling her that I had watched porn on/off. She had expressed that she was upset that I would do something like that and started talking about some of the negative effects it can have on the brain and relationships. I had never really viewed porn/PMO in a negative way, so I didn't really take the conversation to heart. Although I told her I would stop, I would find myself opening porn posts on reddit without thinking twice. I had continued this behavior into moving in together earlier this year, and still wasn't recognizing that I was literally rewiring my brain until one day she caught me watching porn. Our relationship took a huge hit, there was no longer any trust between us and I felt the worst I had ever felt in my life.

    This is where my journey to stop watching porn started. After seeing how badly I could hurt someone that I loved so much, I convinced my girlfriend and myself that I would stop. I had stopped going on reddit altogether and had done some research on porn use, but little did I know that the thoughts would creep back in. I slipped up again not too long after. At this point, I realized I had unknowingly hard-wired my brain into thinking porn was okay, and that despite my pledge to stop, I needed to somehow rewire that unconscious bias. I was convinced that this was the end of my relationship with my girlfriend. It was extremely difficult for both of us when she found out, but somehow we managed to make it through. The love was still there. After this, I started using an accountability app on all my devices. I did more research, started reading a book on the topic, basically everything I thought was necessary to stop for good. It seemed to be working, I had not watched porn for 6 months until it happened, again. Words cannot describe the deep guilt that I felt. How could I have done this, again? Why? This is when it really all clicked. I realized how actually ridiculous porn is, and how arbitrary and stupid it is in the context of my life. Why would I sacrifice relationships for this? I thought back on how good the last 6 months of my life were without watching porn. I realized porn was like junk food, a bad habit that can be very difficult to break but that ultimately my life was better without.

    Despite this epiphany, I broke the trust again with my girlfriend and I don't know if and how our relationship will turn out, but I do know that I am stopping porn forever. I hope to use this forum and post as a personal journal and a reminder to myself that I can and will stop forever.
     
  2. LastTrainHome

    LastTrainHome New Member

    Hi umbra. Fellow recovering user here. Sounds like you have had quite the journey yourself. All I have to say to you is that I admire this post. I think the first part of true recovery is realizing that the problem is a problem, and that part can be pretty hard. I don't have much else to say, other than that I'm rooting for you brother.
     

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