Still addicted despite success

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Smash, Apr 12, 2017.

  1. Smash

    Smash Member

    Over 60 days without looking at P and I've deleted my instagram app. During this time I have MO'd without P a few times, possibly 5 or 6 times, particularly since my sexual performance has resumed to normal now. I think I'm doing some good and having some success.

    I met a new girl who I've been having sex with regularly for the past 2 months, shortly after I stopped PMO again this time. She is extremely sexually attractive and I had major performance anxiety with her in the first few weeks. It could have been PIED but it seems to have passed now, perhaps because of the sustained abstinence from engaging with P. The relationship might not last because we have had some minor upsets and misunderstandings recently which I hope we can overcome but I will try to find someone else if this one doesn't last.

    My ex also wants to get back with me, we get along really well and connect emotionally, but what's the point if we are not sexually compatible and I don't particularly want to have sex with her? She is attractive and good looking but not sexy. I can only imagine wanting to resume a sexual relationship with her if I thought I had no other options possible.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2020
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. Smash

    Smash Member

    Ok, so this girl I'm seeing is not ok unfortunately. She is projecting all her history and negative expectations onto me. So it's a waste of time. She suggested that even though she's disappointed, we could still meet for sex! I know this sounds good but really I don't think it's such a good idea. What if I got her pregnant? In fact, I'm going to keep my distance but be nice to her for a month just in case.

    Now I'm thinking about my ex. Could it work? Could we have a sex life? Most girls like being sexy and attractive. She doesn't get it. She's got a sexual blind spot somehow. Or maybe it's me? Or we're just not compatible?

    Anyway, back to the topic... If I stop seeing the crazy sexy girl, will I want to PMO? Can I abstain? Do I look for a new girl? I feel like I'm chasing relationships to deal with my PMO problem. I developed a PMO problem when I was with my ex so if I got back with her then we would have to fix the sex otherwise I'll be in the same situation with PMO.
     
  3. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Could a goal be to cut out PMO altogether regardless of your situation relationship or sex wise. I mean what does it really do for you? A quick (but drawn out) high and then all the negatives - that's how it is for me anyhow.
     
    realness likes this.
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I think that is the crux of the matter. I wonder if instead of having all the right situations in place before you can stabilize work from the other direction and get in your mind the way you want to go. That is a birdsnest of possible directions to go!!
     
  5. Smash

    Smash Member

    Thanks both. I'm back on good terms with the girl I've been seeing recently so that relationship will continue for now.

    It's true that my supply of sex is the only way I can manage my PMO addiction. However, I've stopped looking at porn sites. There's other mental stimulation, real girls I've seen or remembered, recalling sexual events and non porn stuff we stumble across in media and TV that is unintentionally sexually arousing.

    Nearly three months into my "reboot" I have begun to MO without P.
     
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  6. Smash

    Smash Member

    I relapsed.

    After approximately 90 days reboot.

    I was telling myself it was a one off, but I did it again and again.

    I've started another 90 day reboot from today.

    There was an interesting discovery. The 90 day reboot healed my ED and I've had no problems performing with my girlfriend, however, when I relapsed and PMO'd several times, it was without a full erection. WTF? Have I rewired what my body is physically responding to sexually, despite the mental and brain stimulation I was getting from P?
     
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  7. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    I wouldn't worry about that. Some guys can get hard to P but not to real women, because they're suffering from PIED. The other way round doesn't matter. It just goes to show that sex and P are two very different things.
     
  8. Vanoli16

    Vanoli16 Member

    Great that you are back and posting about it. I believe there is real power in not going into hiding after a slip. Well done.
     
  9. Smash

    Smash Member

    Same problem, as soon as I lose my regular sex partner, I'm chasing the next, even if that's a series of one night stands. If there is a drought, eventually PMO will resume.

    I have not been able to establish a new long term relationship and due to lockdowns I have also not been able to get one night stands. Paying for sex is something that I am not keen on, it's not satisfying. So with all this time without a sexual partner and no freedom to date, regular PMO has returned. It starts as a one off, then another one off, then before I know it it's twice a day.

    I think the best advice I've had is to try to deal with this addiction on my own and not try to solve it with relationships. But what I'm struggling with is how you live without any sexual release?
     
  10. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Interesting journal. Your journey is quite different from the stories we read here most of the time. I can’t really help you with your issues, our lives are really different and I have had a severe case of PIED ever since I became sexually active, despite having a pretty decent life overall. All I can say is that I would give anything to be in your shoes right now. You are a successful man who can quickly heal from PIED, so it’s clear you are a healthy man, at least regarding sex, despite the issues you mentioned in your journal. The lockdown can really suck for single people, I understand that. Hopefully things will improve soon with the COVID situation and you will start dating again.

    Anyway, I don’t think my message was very relevant, but I just wanted to drop by and wish you good luck with this. Last point: if I was in a similar situation, I think I would still prefer escorts over porn. It’s expensive, but I don’t think it can harm you as much as porn. But then, you would also have to be careful with escort sites, because they are very similar to porn sites. So better find an escort very quickly and get away from the website as soon as possible.

    As for the release, well if you don’t have PIED at the moment, masturbation without fantasy would be the best choice. But it’s still a slippery slope, so careful with this too.

    Just my two cents. Good luck, man. Keep posting here, what you write is interesting.
     
  11. Smash

    Smash Member

    Thank you for your encouragement. It helps to get an opinion on it because it expands my view of my situation and maybe I can see it more objectively. It's not too bad.

    Mostly there is fear, when I engage in PMO there is fear of what I know this pattern of habit is leading me towards. Fear of not being able to perform sexually with a woman, which is what happened before.

    I like space and simplicity in my life, rather than filling the space with overeating, junk relationships, consumerism, etc. But when the space is there, sometimes it can be confronting. Consumerism is my go to, I can always find something I need to buy and justify it. But ultimately, I seek company with a sexual partner, and when that is not realistically available right then and there, I can eventually descend into the PMO habit. Before I know it, I'm chasing some elusive porn image/model/climax combination. The activity can dominate my evening or periods of the day particularly if I start repeating the behaviour several times. That's what frightened me and brought me back here again.

    I know I can manage it; for a while this year I've not been in a regular relationship and getting sex has not been predictable. During my day I was just working out, cooking, reading books. Occasionally I would MO with no P and no drama. No frenzied feeling as there is with PMO and no guilt about it. It's over quickly and I'm back on course again, living my life.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2020
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  12. realness

    realness Active Member

    Glad you came here and got a different perspective. We can get really stuck in our own heads. You gotta vent and work through the frustrations, especially with unusual stressors like lock-down.

    I wonder if you set some good boundaries with "normal' MO, and explore some healthy hobbies to pursue while relationships are on hold for a while due to lock down. Cycling, skiing, running, something else that's new or an existing hobby that you can expand on? Sexual needs are like greed. They expand so quickly to porn, escorts or one night stands. Affirming that anything more than occasional MO is greed may help you get on a healthier mindset, and putting your energies into a hobby or hobbies would help with the energy and time management.
     
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  13. Smash

    Smash Member

    Thanks Realness. Since my gym is closed I’ve taken up trail running and purchased all the gear for running especially in cold and muddy conditions. I've been enjoying that.

    It seems I'm looking for healthy habits and anything to fill the time and otherwise if I'm not occupied then PMO habits will nudge me. But this needn't be the case. I know these spaces in my life can be an opportunity to confront the feelings without succumbing to the unhealthy habits. Similar to how I eat what I need to and what's good for me and not more, and I organise my life to support that. There's something about space not being filled which raises anxieties that lead to unhelpful habits. I want to rest in the space, not necessarily fill it. Why is that so difficult? It's perhaps the same reason why I cannot tolerate meditation!
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2020
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  14. realness

    realness Active Member

    Yup! Right there with you brother. I haven't found a light switch to flip to immediate success here. Rather, escalating success and slow improvement. PMO craving hits? Sometimes I'm on the ball enough to do a few sets of pushups, do some cleanup or organization, or something else positive, and often the urge passes. Or sometimes I MO a few times which is less positive but isn't PMO. Repeating blocks of time that are predictable and lead to trouble? For me this was going to bed as my wife stays up later than me. I've found great success here in getting a read-only Kindle and established a healthy habit of reading before bed each night.

    But it's not perfect, there's still blocks of time that hit during the day where I give in or indulge. But I'm not the PMO junky I was a few months ago, and also different from the person I was a few years ago. I'm so thankful for this improvement over time.

    Keep it up, thank you for your transparency and sharing your story.
     
    Smash likes this.

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