Still addicted despite success

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Smash, Apr 12, 2017.

  1. Smash

    Smash Member

    So, I tried abstaining from PMO in April 2016 and it's been a success. I got my errections back, eventually started dating and met my girl in August 2016.

    I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months now and she moved in with me 5 months ago. It's good. She is 22 years old, I'm 40. Her sex drive is higher than mine but I'm always able to get hard with her.

    Since I've been with her, my needs are met without the need to look at porn or masturbate so often, however, I realise that I still love watching porn and I've gotten complacent. Recently I've PMO'd and edged several times whenever I've found myself alone at home. I've used cam sites and porn tubes. I've not seen an escort since but I've often looked at escort sites.

    Since resuming regular PMO and edging (three or four times per week), the negative effects I've noticed recently are:

    1. Brain fog
    2. Thinking of porn while having sex
    3. Decreased energy to have real sex
    4. Decreased pleasure when having sex
    5. Delayed ejaculation

    I thought the brain fog was to do with coffee consumption but I only drink one or two cups a day. Then I remembered what I learned about PMO. So I've decided that I need to be careful and not PMO. I'm worried that my errections could suffer.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your erections will definitely suffer. It won't be long before you'll be back where you were, because this is how the wiring works.

    It's awesome that you have a beautiful, young, gf and you guys enjoy each other and sex is great. You were on a great roll and can be proud of that. Don't fuck up a good thing. P just isn't worth it.
    positivef likes this.
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Could suffer? Without a doubt, man...get free again!
  4. Smash

    Smash Member

    After a few months with my girlfriend and no problems with sex, I thought I was fine. But the addiction is still here.

    She doesn't have a problem with me looking at porn. It's not weird for girls of her generation. We even watched porn while having sex once which was amazing. However, she doesn't realise the effects it can have on men.

    I was prompted to return on this forum and start this discussion because my gf was giving me a blow job and then we started having sex. She came, I hadn't. I was hard but I actually couldn't cum and eventually gave up.

    I made the connection; the increasingly regular use of porn, the brain fog I had been struggling with, and the delayed ejaculation experience. I suddenly realised these are the PMO symptoms coming back again.

    So, I decided to stop looking at porn. We had sex last night and it was good. This morning she had to leave early to meet her friend for the day and I was thinking about what I would do. Looking at porn is not an option but I was feeling the urge so I thought about seeing an escort. I have tasks to do but the urge for that sexual thrill was strong. When I was in my apartment alone, I looked up escort sites and nearly made an appointment. Then I decided to just masturbate gently without looking at the pictures.

    So it's the same as before...

    1) I experience some symptoms associated with PMO.
    2) I try to stop porn
    3) I start to obsess over escorts. I tell myself I'll have real sex so I'm not PMOing.
    4) Then I have to look up escort sites which is effectively the same as looking at porn.
    5) Then I get excited and I need to cum. Which means I'll masturbate or go to the escort.

    But this time I have a gf. I haven't seen an escort since I've been with her. I'm happy about that because, although I'm not a morally uptight person, it would be unkind deceitful and disrespectful of me to do so. It would require sneaking around and lying to my gf. She would be hurt, confused and upset if she found out and I might lose someone good for the sake of a few hours with a whore.

    My experience is that escorts are a thrill but this turns into another addiction and ultimately becomes disappointing and unfulfilling.

    So, why is this addiction still present? Why has it resurfaced?

    Maybe it's not helping that, when we have sex, I have to pull out every time and ejaculate using my hand to finish. Maybe it wires my brain to my hand which is reinforcing the PMO reward? When we first started dating she used the pill so I could cum inside her. But she experienced some hormonal side effects to the contraception so I told her to stop using it and I just started pulling out. This means I have to make her cum first then I pull out when I'm ready and finish with my hand.
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  5. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Addictions never go away (inside your brain), you will ALWAYS be a porn addict...if you look at porn you will
    quickly get problems again (escort sites are PORN to your brain).

    And, you will often become addicted to something else when you quit (escorts in your case).

    You could go to escorts and not develop sexual problems, but you cannot view them online or MO thinking about them, or PMO. Does that make sense?
    You must only wire your sexuality to reality, not to screens or fantasy while MO'ing.
    But if you continue going to escorts you will probably develop an addiction to them.

    Never finish with your hand. Your hand is wired to P and to PMO.

    Wire only to female partners (only to reality), if you can't handle escorts without getting addicted, then you must stop going.
  6. Smash

    Smash Member

    Yes, that all makes sense and corresponds to my experience with PMO and escorts.

    It's interesting that you agree with my observation about finishing with my hand when having sex; that my hand is wired to porn and PMO.

    I will have to discuss this with my Gf. She doesn't like condoms, we waited to have sex until after we both got test results. Contraception pills give her adverse side effects.
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    My wife has an IUD...maybe that's an option? I agree that the pill is bad.

    Condoms aren't that bad, it's not a perfect world, bro! :)

    I've personally given up MO for life (waste of time), and because it has always led be back to PMO for me. I think if I started to see escorts it would become a problem for me too, you're not alone!
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I won't even let my wife give me a hand job, anymore, and she's offered. It's PIV sex or nothing.

    Finishing inside a woman is instrumental to the healing process, imo. I finished with my hand for many years with my wife and it robbed us, I'm sure, of intimacy and ultimately of the kind of closeness a man and woman should have. Condoms are not a bad thing. Plus, even with pulling out you can still make a baby. o_O
  9. Smash

    Smash Member

    We're going to try using a condom. And she said she will get a patch contraception next week so I can cum inside her.

    During our first few months together she wanted sex morning a night. Then she experienced some vaginal pain and realised that she gets sore when we have sex more than once a day. This suited me because, after a lifetime of scarce and sporadic sex, I was a bit overwhelmed with the amount of sex I was getting... I think this is where the problem arose because it gave me space to start maturbating, and masturbation led to checking porn after she left for work. When I was away from her for a week, I used porn every night. And I will be away again for a week in June so this will be a challenge.
  10. Smash

    Smash Member

    I was psyched and ready to give up porn. I knew I would clear my brain fog and I was looking forward to improved sex with my gf.

    We used a condom and it felt amazing to cum whilst inside her rather than pulling out and using my hand. She also practiced cuming without clitoral stimulation for a more slow and intense orgasm.

    Then, her period started! And I really don't like blood, particularly during sex. Also, I can't cum from her blow jobs. They're ok but it takes a real pro to make me cum from a blowjob, especially now I have mild DE.

    So... I thought I would just have a break from sex, porn and masturbation altogether until her period was over.

    Something triggered me, maybe the movie we watched together last night which had a few hot actresses in it. Today I came home to an empty house, knowing I wouldn't be having sex tonight. And I peeked at some porn with the intention of jerking off before my gf gets home.

    Immediately afterwards and I am experiencing brain fog. And if this continues then the sex with my gf will suffer and she will take it personally.

    My gf does take it personally when I say I have a problem with porn. She thinks it might be something to do with her. The truth is that the problem started at least 10 years before I even met her.

    For a woman to be happy in a relationship, I believe it's important that she feels attractive and sexy; that she can arouse her man. I'm worried that this addiction will cause problems in my relationship.

    I also have new business opportunities which I am pursuing and if I get lost in brain fog again then it's difficult to feel motivated and energetic about these great things in my life.

    I need to be ready when she finishes her period in a few days and also I need to be prepared for periods in the future as well as times when we are apart. I'm depending on her to keep me away from porn and escorts.

    I find my gf attractive and I like being in relationship with her for many other reasons too but it's sobering to think that she is the only girl I'm supposed to fuck for the rest of my life.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is how addicts think - especially at our age. Why project into the future something you have no idea about? Usually because it fits into the scenario we have built up in our sex addicted minds. This is true for me, anyway.

    You have written exactly what the issues are and what is at stake. You had great sex with your gf with a condom (great job btw :D ) so don't fuck things up for cheap pixels. Plus, imo, you should not mention your P addiction anymore. As you have guessed it is giving her self-esteem issues. Your job is to be a solid rock and make her feel safe. When you need to bitch come to this forum and let it fly. :D I no longer mention my problems to my wife and it has made the relationship so much better. When I'm feeling vulnerable, or the wife is being a cunt, :mad: I phone up a friend of mine and bend his ear, or I come YBR and post something.
    realness and positivef like this.
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great advice, Saville. Personally, I would be stoked to have a girlfriend at all, and a 22yo? If I could find one I can relate to that would do me, just fine.
  13. Smash

    Smash Member

    April 2016 - Escorts and PIED

    October 2016 - Recovered

    April 2017 – Still addicted despite success

    I have not visited this forum in three years. It all began in April 2016 when I noticed PIED during sex with escorts. I was depressed and alone and used PMO and escorts to get through life pretending I was ok.

    Getting PIED was a wake-up call because it led me to this site and I quickly repaired myself by abstaining from PMO and I experienced positive effects in my life. Then I decided to set myself the challenge to transition from escorts to a real girlfriend.

    Later that year I started to get some dates and I met my girlfriend. At first I rarely looked at porn because we lived together, I wouldn't have wanted her to see me watching porn, and we had regular sex.

    As the years went by, we were having sex less and less. She is very attractive but I felt less lust for her and I didn't know the reason why, there were some unconscious issues in our sex life that were not discussed. I thought it was something to do with me but it was definitely both of us and we didn't have the awareness, clarity or communication to be able to talk about it. I can see what went wrong in retrospect. At the time I knew something wasn't right but I just didn’t want to bring it up because I wasn’t clear about what was happening or why. I noticed her get weird with me once when I tried to get mildly kinky with her. I would always let her initiate because I sensed some defensiveness around me coming on to her in any mildly aggressive/masculine manner rather than the opposite which happens with many girls I've been with in the past. We still had a functioning sex life, I loved her very much, there was no ED, I din't want to judge, hurt or upset her, so why bring it up?

    I did once go to see an escort because I was curious about my sex life with my gf and wanted to check something out. I felt overwhelmed by guilt about doing it and never did it again but what I discovered was that I got really rock hard with the escort compared to my gf.

    Eventually, after three years together, we went from sex every day to maybe once per week, and it was kinda mechanical but she was totally innocent about that, inexperienced. Often I didn't feel like having sex with her, but I went through the motions and enjoyed it but I did not initiate. I often preferred to look at porn and PMO became a way for me to balance my needs. There was no erectile dysfunction with me and her and I fucked her when she wanted it so there were no alarm bells ringing and I carried on. I wish I would have got PIED as this would have brought me straight back to this site sooner.

    Then all of a sudden she explored her sexuality and cheated on me when an opportunity came along for her. She was acting distant and I knew something was up but I didn’t know what it was. I confronted her and she told me. The relationship ended.

    Now I have found myself alone again in my home and the country is in lockdown so I cannot go on a date or even try to get casual sex! All I can do is chat online. So I’m using PMO twice a day.

    My concern is that when girls start coming out on dates again, I will have developed PIED. The trouble is, last time it happened, I only found out I had ED when trying to get hard with an escort. I was still able to PMO. One indicator is if I experience brain fog or less passion for life, but these symptoms can be difficult to notice if they creep up on you slowly, especially when I am also experiencing the normal expected grief post break-up and stuck in lockdown.
    Last edited: May 11, 2020
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good you came back @Smash! PMO damages our body and mind.
  15. Smash

    Smash Member

    I came here to post because I wanted to report the latest twist in my story, because it was so unexpected. And I was/am in pain and needed somewhere to publicly journal my story. I actually totally forgot about the effects of internet porn and the addiction of PMO.

    The effects of PMO creep up on you slowly. You might not realise you have a problem until it's too late and a lot of damage has been done that you may have attributed to other things. A loss of motivation, mild depression, a lack of interest in sex with your partner; the kind of problems that we can easily get accustomed to such that they seem normal and nothing out of the ordinary. I'd guess that for many men, it can take a lot of PMO before PIED sets in. This might be particularly true if you are single and rarely having sex because you are less likely to notice sexual dysfunction.

    Only when I once had serious PIED was I sufficiently motivated to wake up, find out what was going on and do something about it! I fear the same could happen again. The comfort and temptation of PMO while I sit alone grieving my loss has more power over me than the vague idea that it could be affecting my motivation and moods and thus my effectiveness in life and my ability to come out of this break up with renewed passion and energy!

  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great to see you back here.

    I just read your posts and it seems like you’re really obsessing about PMO / escorts / casual sex. A lot. I think this corona situation can give you the time to rethink your life. What would your life be like without those things?

    When reading your posts I don’t get the feeling you’re willing to kick PMO out of your life for good. It’s like you just don’t want the negative effects porn give you (brain fog, ED, etc.) but you do want the pleasures. This mindset will make the cravings worse, since PMO is always a possibility. You then PMO more often than you should and you end up having those negative effects anyway.

    What I’m trying to say is: don’t let the negatives motivate you to stay away. Once the negatives fade, it will just lure you back in. You’re so much more than your sexual appetite. Try to figure out who you are and what you want in life. What makes you, you? and what brings you true happiness? Then chase that.

    I pray and hope this helps you. It was not meant to offend you. Have a great day!
    realness and positivef like this.
  17. Smash

    Smash Member

    No you did not offend me, I really appreciate your observations and support. I'm having a hard time right now generally. I'm trying to move home which is going to involve some temporary accommodation, leaving one beautiful pad behind, taking a chance and being with uncertainty for a while waiting to see if the onward purchase is successful. The break up, and ignoring text messages from a cheating ex who doesn't love me anymore.

    You are right that I am focused on my fear of the negative effects of PMO creeping up on me, particularly the subtle effects which I do not necessarily notice and that I am probably already living with. But the PMO itself is not something I would describe as pleasure, it's just a momentary urge which arises. It's like when you grab junk food when you're hungry, your options are limited and you didn't prepare/plan your day. The junk food was a short term solution that fells good because it relieved hunger in the moment but cannot really be described as pleasure and it is not nourishing.

    I think casual sex is different, I do enjoy that, connecting with someone, the challenge, the passion, etc. it's pleasurable. That is also a problem right now because dating is not advisable while social distancing measures are in place. I go for young girls in their 20s who are very attractive and want to spend time with an older successful man. It's great when I connect with someone or share some fun. I'm not expecting too much from relationships, I'll let life happen and see what it brings.

    I'm taking up new interests, reading books and I've got plans for another career path that I'm excited about. But I think I just need someone to cuddle!!

    Thank you.
    Last edited: May 12, 2020
  18. Smash

    Smash Member

    Being careful not to be too hard on myself, with self-compassion and not activating my superego here, but as I reflect on the relationship I think that porn and PMO was the reason for my relationship breaking down. Initially upon recognising that I had ED repeatedly when trying to have sex with an escort I quickly realised it was PIED and stopped looking at porn, stopped PMO, masturbated infrequently without porn or not at all, waited a while and tested my results with escorts. My PIED was healed. I felt amazing, very positive at that time. Started dating and the dates were amazing, I felt in a much better place. One of the dates became a relationship.

    The sex with my gf was good, good enough. But I think I underestimated the cumulative effects of a history of porn use. I felt 100% cured, I was not suffering from ED, and I was having real sex. As a result I became complacent about the destructive potential of PMO and I underestimated the latent inertia of the addiction.

    We became accustomed to being together everyday in a domestic setting, it was not as exciting and sexy as a first date. I wanted the buzz of fucking a beautifully manicured girl which is always the case when you first get together. Sorry to be chauvinistic but I don't like hairy legs, unkempt hair and un-pedicured feet. I did not want to cheat on her because she was too good to let go so I turned to PMO only on days when we were not likely to have sex, or when we were apart, or perhaps during a heavy period. Eventually over time the intervals between sex became longer, the frequency of PMO increased, and my desire to initiate decreased. It soon got to a point in the relationship where I didn't really have the desire to have sex with my gf.

    There were other issues between us sexually; kissing and heavy petting didn't seem to get her (or me) turned on as I had experienced with most other girls and the sex was a bit mechanical but I think these were mainly to do with her issues about sex and I did not know how to approach this without potentially offending her. But for some reason PIED did not redevelop. Now I'm on my own it could happen hence I'm not going to look at porn (again?).
    Last edited: May 15, 2020
  19. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    “... so don't fuck things up for cheap pixels.”

    That’s a great line to hold in mind.

    But I think I underestimated the cumulative effects of a history of porn use.

    I completely second that.
    Smash likes this.
  20. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Stick with it Smash, there will be good days in the future.
    Smash and Boxer17 like this.

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