Starting to stop again...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Tryagain73, Feb 7, 2017.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Personally I've stayed away from dating sites as well, for now. Too much trigger for me.

    As my clean streak has stretched out I have realised that Porn partially filled my need for connection and even for romance and for sex (it was a lie, but my brain chemistry didn't know the difference). I have some heavy baggage around romance and relationships and now that is coming up daily I feel like I need to keep working on loving myself and deepening my appreciation for platonic connection. There is a natural human need for sex and romantic-connection and the tricky part for me is working out where that ends and my pathological need for validation (via sexual/romantic desirability) ends. No wonder I'm depressed. All I can do for now is keep on, and hope that when the worst side-effects of reboot are out of the way that things will become clearer. I haven't been laid for 18 months so I'm desperately hoping that I can find some peace around it and feel safer to step-out, soon. It is what it is, though, and the sooner can I accept that, the better.

    Good to see you goin' strong, Brother. Givin' yr heart and lungs a go. One thing that has helped me recently is to make arrangements to spend time with friends doing positive things (if someone else is expecting me I'm much more likely to drag myself up and out than I would if it was simply solo activity).

    Peace to ya.

    - Billy.
     
  2. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Yeah there's no doubt about that lingering need for a connection. Last time was some months ago for me via a dating site, a hot chick and for some reason I couldn't get aroused enough. It had been happening on and off for years before, usually with one night stand strangers. It has been the trigger for me to change habits, but the temptation is still there to see if I'm ready. I am waking up with the morning baguette and all, feeling good but deep down I know I am not ready yet, and won't ruin progress made. Problem is totally in the head, with performance anxiety destroying everything. Figured getting away from the pixels and the vids and objectifying women was at the back of it. Part of it is that need for validation of course, rather than to love or feel human connection. It's a very alpha male instinct. There's no getting away from that carnal need but it remains psychological over physical, perhaps it always will be. I don't feel guilty about still craving one night stands, perhaps I should, although adding guilt complexes in with it all might muddy my recovery. Anyway, on with progress. Approaching the midway point of this 90 day journey.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    So this is day 50. Quite a milestone for me- 50 days no O. I'm pretty much where I was when I fell off the first time around, except now with absolutely no desire to return to P. I know where that all goes and it has been the root of all my problems. It's still going to take a lot to shake off how conditioned I have become to it. Would say in last few days i have felt a little flat lined, with no real sense of libido, other than in morning or during sleep. Guess I'll never know until I meet someone. Think of sex all the time of course but rarely stirs anything without the familiar visual stimulation. No going back there. I want the brain to start making those real connections.
     
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good job, mate!

    GREAT job, actually. :)

    Its also hopful that yr not feeling any urges. Maybe just keep in mind those times when you may be potentially triggered (or if a craving hits you seemingly out of the blue). Do you have strategies in place? Alternative activities?
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are doing great!! Fantastic!! :)

    The brain connections just get better and better. I'm almost at a year and still noticing important changes.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Yeah thankfully I have a busy day work out after work and have found learning music to be a great outlet. When the moment has taken me I have checked out a few dating sites and yeah browsed a few profiles. But that's tame compared to the increasingly extreme P I used to edge for hours to.

    That happened a lot when life wasn't so busy and I had a lot of time to wallow. I guess I must have got trapped in a 20 year PMO cycle. I lost my partner and lost my way and life was tough for a while. The other craving I think is connected to acting out is over eating. Used to pig out a lot to fill the vacuum. You get fat, lose self esteem and also the libido. So the junk eating has gone the same way as the P. Going for the full overhaul but tough challenges lie ahead.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Thanks man. I know it's gonna be years and the rest of my days to hopefully win it all back. We can do this!
     
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    That's great that you're working out, man. And the music thing, in fact learning any new skill is supposed to be great cause it can suck up some of that brain power thats left hanging in the void.

    You're doin' great. Truck on.
     
  9. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Day 56 here. Probably reads like I'm just sitting in a room counting the days but still keeping the mind occupied elsewhere, no desire to go back and hoping body and brain are recovering. I've certainly broken the ritual of plugging into P after getting home from work and but for the odd beer been living like a saint! Still dabbling on the dating sites, chatting and checking out fit chicks and hope this isn't hindering me. Importantly this is not the fantasy P world. I like to think these are real people online rather than porn stars far way I know I'll never meet. I am hoping my behaviour is natural and not a sub conscious channel back. I am never jerking off to P again, to chat etc. Have heard of guys here who avoided looking at females entirely for 90 days. I haven't had the strength for that! Hope my way is the answer.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Do what you gotta do mate but be wary, vary wary. I feel like for me 'peeking' activates those neural pathways and so I'm avoiding it completely and for ever (in pixelated form). Eventually I will experiment with appreciating beauty (in real life women) cause, as you say, it's natural.

    Posi-vibes to you mate. You're doing really well to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and not run away to hide in PMO. Well done.
     
  11. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Yeah It's a strain, but I feel no urge to act out to any images or video. Clear of all that for now, yet aware that unpredictable things can trigger a relapse so staying one day at a time..

    I've read about guys doing hard mode (excuse the pun)- no images, not even looking at women. It seems drastic but I will see where I am after this initial reboot- no P, no O, no M for 90 days. If it doesn't feel right I will try a further spell in hard mode. A lot of guys here are going through all this with a partner, a sympathetic ear and someone who brings comfort. That brings it's own challenges. I've been quite stoic through it all but inevitably it's a lonely march, and I do crave those connections, emotional and sexual. So yes I have been checking out chicks on tinder and elsewhere, seeing who's out there but don't consider this falling off. Hope it doesn't amount to substituting dating profiles for P. That's not the motivation.
     
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, seems like you're doing fine just fine, mate. It's a toss up weather a partner in this would be a help or a hindrance... prolly depend a lot on individual situations. For me, I must accept that I'm alone in it and try to remain hopeful that I'll have the opp to re-connect with another, down the track someday.

    Keep on, Brus. yr doin' great, I reckon.
     
  13. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    60 days clean. It has been tough this last few days and not sure I am physically or emotionally healed. In fact I think I have hit the dreaded flat line. I'm at a time in the cycle where many have fallen. It's a lonely path we tread sometimes. I have work on this weekend to absorb my energies but unquestionably the desire is there to find physical and emotional release with someone. Being strong these next 30 days could be crucial in my recovery.
     
  14. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi TryAgain - it can be tough at times. The things I found that helped are sticking to good routines, being disciplined with internet capable devices (i.e. not having them around at times that were dangerous for me) and reminding myself that, at the end of the day, physical release isn't actually a biological necessity! I know it feels like it is at times ;-) but that's just our addiction lying to us - feelings of entitlement can be really dangerous.

    Anyways - stay strong and have a great weekend!
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    60 days!
    Thats a great start.
    It IS lonely, but remember we're here with ya in as much as we can be.
    Take care, Bro.
    And pull out all the stops.
    Reckon we need to dig deep, to use every trick in the book (when we at all have the energy) to get through this.
    Peace to ya.
     
  16. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Thanks man. It's a great support network here. Tonight I went for a long gym workout- always a healthy testosterone/ dopamine outlet. It's a good routine most days and have def found more energy for it too these last few months. Learning classical guitar which is another useful distraction. Would be nice to pour some of the power into that..

    But there's still that lingering sense of something else in that down time. Can honestly say no desire whatever for the acting out. Going on dates/ flings has been the preoccupation, but holding off from all that and what it might trigger.
     
  17. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Thanks man. Keep fighting those demons.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  18. Tryagain73

    Tryagain73 New Member

    Good to see this place back again. Figured YBP had been Putined for ever!

    In meantime I have kept to my regime, spinning through the fog stoically. It's now been 78 days no PMO, and committed to seeing this to 90 and maybe then some. Been feeling stronger and stronger physically (not sure of mentally/ emotionally). I just know I have no intention of returning to the destructive self medicating. Been trying to build friendships with females online and in real life. I think my next step will be to try a few dates and see how it all goes. I want to be clear of this once and for all, and feeling positive, so good vibes to y'all!
     
    Billy B. and Lowdo like this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    78 days is awesome! Love the energy you are exuding, Tryagain73.
     
    Tryagain73 likes this.
  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great to hear you doin' well!
     
    Tryagain73 likes this.

Share This Page