Starting the NoPMO Challenge.

Discussion in 'Women' started by KimberlyBowman, Jun 9, 2016.

  1. KimberlyBowman

    KimberlyBowman New Member

    I am on day one of the NoPMO challenge. I started a blog last night on a different sit and I think a forum would be more beneficial to get the feed back and support I am looking for along this journey. The blog post I made told a significant history of what my past is with porn and masturbating, and also just how addicted I was. I am going to attach that document for anyone that is interested in the history of it. I will also be posting my updates on here and there. I have ambitions to start a YouTube as well to document not only this challenge, but my life overall and this would be a good think to kick off a positive change in my life. I will figure out how to set up links to all the sites I start utilizing and would appreciate any and all feedback that you have.
     

    Attached Files:

  2. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    What a story. Well whatever your past, let me be the first to say welcome to the forum. There's a lot of great people here, and many who have gone and are going through similar struggles related to pornography, albeit all in their own particular contexts and lives. The important thing that brings us together is the journey to become better versions of ourselves, to face the underlying reasons that led us to seek porn, and cultivate positive habits and change our lives for the better. It's good that you have a supportive family. Opening up to them or close friends may be a possibility in the future, as some have done, and they feel it is a burden they take off when they do so. If not, hopefully the community can serve as enough of a support to help.

    Resources I recommend checking out is yourbrainonporn.com and Underdog's message on reboot and recovery.

    A note on procrastination and pornography. I have found for me that it is not pornography that has led to my procrastination, but my inability to face and overcome the discomforts of my responsibilities that have turned me to pornography. I have used it as an escape to run away from the negative feelings stress of performing certain tasks makes me feel, to make me 'feel good'. Of course, it is an empty pleasure that leaves me less whole and more afraid than before, and I would reject the task repeatedly until so late that panic mode turns on and takes control. After many instances of this it is no wonder that the amount of stress needed to make me want to escape decreased and the power of panic mode grew so less that it was overcome and important deadlines were left unfinished, missed opportunities.

    Anyway, something to think about. Be careful of how you view this, because it can be subject to change. Porn is an evil, but it does serve a purpose. Find out what role porn has had in your life by looking at the relapses as learning opportunities, find out what you're missing, what needs have been left unfulfilled, and what areas of your character you need to spend time improving to be able to not only overcome this addiction, but wholly transform your mindbody to move in the positive direction that leads to a truly fulfilling and flourishing life you'd be proud to call your own, for you overcame and slay the demon in your younger years that prevented you from accomplishing your goals.
     
  3. Manorwhot

    Manorwhot Ello Luv!

    Hi KimberlyBowman Hope you are still going strong and doing well! Good luck. Looking forward to hearing about your success and hopefully we can offer support if you ever need it.
     
  4. KimberlyBowman

    KimberlyBowman New Member

    I have a tracker on my phone that says it has been 5 days since I first made the promise to myself for this challenge and still going strong!!

    I know I said I was going to report daily and journal, which I still want to do. The first few days I did journal on paper but have also started the process of filling in paneling to paint my room and putting in new carpet. That has taken up a majority of my time and usually am tired at the end of the day and just zonk out.

    Some of the feelings I have felt.
    The first couple days the encouragement and momentum of my decision was held high. Floating on cloud nine thinking about how better my life was going to be and how I was determined to make this a long term part of my life.

    Now guys, I could use your help.
    The fourth day.
    I am not making up excuses for myself and this did not get in the way, but being pregnant brings on hormone level changes at random and being horny and the feeling of sexual tension was high. I tried to masturbate but without porn. I mean I literally tried. The images of fantasies were there, the frustration of not having a romantic touch was strong, but I couldn't do it. I did not get off and didn't really have myself in the "mood" despite my body's obvious craving for attention. This was a weird time. I honestly think that how big of an importance I put on this goal to change my life is more potent and reassuring than what my body wants. Part of this entire process I wanted to achieve was mind over matter. Maybe trying could be considered a relapse and being pregnant is just some cheap excuse, but I don't consider it as one with the fact that I stopped within minutes with absolutely no desire to continue. My body still wanted the touch but my mind did not. To have an orgasm for me, I have to be mentally connected with what I am doing. As much as I wanted it to feel good, it didn't feel like anything. I might as well have been just cleaning myself like you would in shower just for personal hygiene. Being horny and being despised by actually touching yourself is something I didn't think I would ever go through. I thought about just kicking porn and keeping the habit of masturbation much like I did in the past and something inside me proved to myself that I did not need that either, even being pregnant. I don't know how many of you have faced pregnancy single or have just had to do something with yourself, but it is possible to completely and utterly dismiss your body.

    Since then, I have not even had an urge or much more a thought that I wanted to fap or turn to that. But tell me your thoughts. Would you consider that a relapse or just realizing what you are mentally capable of? I am not trying to justify my actions or anything but I can say that I don't feel guilty for that. It doesn't seem like I relapsed because I feel that I had more strength and willpower than I gave myself credit for and it really opened my eyes to how real this is for me and how dedicated I have become to myself. Now I know that now matter how bad it gets, I can conquer it. I will never have cravings this hard not being pregnant physically and there was nothing there. I was touching myself yes, but nothing came of it sexually. And maybe I am lying to myself and really did relapse and just found a higher motivation through it. Give me your honest feedback because the thoughts roaming in my head can out weigh simple logic when it comes to moral value and questions of honesty.

    Yearofchange:
    I thank you for your well thought out response. It is one of those odd things that makes me excited to be part of an online community and get feedback of all types. I like short and sweet comments and little words of encouragement, but it says something when someone spends that much time reading and thinking about what you have said. Everyone's journey is their own unique part of who they are and who they are becoming. The emphasis you put on that is inspiring. Changing your life around truly is all about knowing where you were coming from, where you are at, and where you aim to be. Family is a great resource even if I haven't totally opened up to them yet. They are still supportive of the basic health and fitness goals, becoming a first time mom, and my ambitions of growing in a career/school.

    I have used yourbrainonporn.com to read some random things and do a bit of research. I figure the more I can learn and take in, the better.

    I completely understand your struggle with pornography was used as a facade to life and avoiding what needs to be done. I do that quite frequently whether it be porn, spending time out socially, browsing the internet and youtube for random things, you name it. Putting off things I really needed to get done like cleaning, school work, and running errands was all something that could wait until later or tomorrow. Anything that was a distraction got in the way, porn just happen to be an overpowering concern. Panic mode is most definitely real. That brings back memories of school and writing 15 or 20 page papers literally a few hours before they were due and surprisingly passing them. Through that though, I learned some strange things about myself going from an extremely tight schedule and sleeping little hours per night to nothing. No work, no school, not to much friends and so on. Working under pressure is a weird sort of calm for me. I don't understand it but when I am in a high stress situation, I perform very well and I think it's because I don't have time to think about anything other than the task at hand and it has dramatically changed my idea of what a dream life and career choice would be and still does day to day and I learn more specific details of not only why I would avoid things and turn to a sexual release, but also the satisfaction you get in doing things that make you look like a mad woman.

    I don't think I have been off of porn long enough to delve into the intimate thoughts and actions that brought me there in the first place. Right now, it's all about feeling a natural high of motivation to continue. I am waiting the days where it does get hard and it becomes evident that pmo is a crutch for something I have been lacking in or haven't had closure to or opened up from. Many things cross my mind as to what it could be and might be and analyzing different aspects of my past and how I have handled or not handled as I have come into adulthood and sadly can't pinpoint anything. Everything is valid and everything isn't. There is a deep rooted reason somewhere in there and it hasn't come out to play yet. It will, and I pray that I am ready to face it head on but believe that things will not surface until I have built up a certain level of understanding to be able to transform and heal, and not just take it for face value. There isn't a soul out there that goes through an addiction for superficial reasons. I've got my entire life since I was 4 devoted to masturbating and since I was 12ish to porn. That's a good 18 years minimum of hiding behind instant pleasure. Every day feels like it's going to be like digging a lake out with a shovel, and one day I will be able to fill it crisp and clean water no matter how long it takes to make the hole. The size of my shovel just depends on my efforts. Little effort is like using a little shovel and lots of effort might as be like using a tractor and moving massive amounts of dirt. I hate to be cliche, but the control is all in my hands.

    Thank you to everyone reading all my thoughts and I hope to hear more from you. I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read anything on here. You are all amazing and have hidden strengths and talents I believe this journey will bring out in you and I wish everyone the best day whether it is day 1 or well beyond. And please help me, did I relapse or not?
     
  5. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Yup we are quite sensitized to instant gratification this day and age. Mainly because we can. I like metaphors and cliches. They help you really understand concepts. When I was studying in university my cognitive science professor believed it too, so there's some credibility to using metaphors to further understand, fully grasp and memorize concepts.

    And as for your question, how long did you spend touching, and did you fantasize?
     
  6. KimberlyBowman

    KimberlyBowman New Member

    When I was starting off in college, I loved taking classes that all related to each other. Math, physics, an science or art, english and music. Although music is one of those universal topics that I fell in love with. What did you study in for a major and minor and did you get your degree? I did not get any degree but that is a strong goal is to go back to college. All I have is a small student loan I need to pay back first, then I can re-enroll and more or less start over with my classes.

    I spent probably not even 5 minutes touching myself but I also wasn't clocking the seconds either. When I was pmoing often it took me a while...probably over a half hour at minumum, and I am sure for most women as well, I liked the build and arousal stages not just straight to orgasm. Fantasies floated through my mind in attempts to ramp me up enough to just finish and even thinking about various porn views, it didn't do anything. After a few minutes I kind I realized it was useless because I wasn't getting reved up or having a normal reaction to touching myself. All I could think about was pregnancy hormones suck but it shouldn't be a crutch or excuse to touch myself. Granted, if I was in a relationship, I would probably have a man right there to be responsible for intimacy but that is not the case.

    In doing some pre-labor research, it is actually better to have a lot of sex the last few months of pregnancy especially because it helps everything relax and your body naturally prepare for delivery of a baby but this baby will come whether I am touching myself or not. And this may be tmi, but I dont usually enter myself or have anything to do so unless it is with a person I am dating and it has been most all external pleasure my whole life. For the sake of delivery, I could justify masturbation especially if it were to have been something recommended from my doctor but I still feel like anything can cover up an action.

    The moral dilemma that I had over it all was by technical terms I did relapse by touching myself but on emotional and mental terms, I was disconnected and didn't reach a peak or satisfaction from doing so physically. My body still wants attention and I have the side effects but no desire to orgasm. It takes quite the effort for me to reach that point and I figure I am already exhausted most of the time pregnant and I can be flat out tired and in bed from that, or I can get up and do little thing each day to prepare for this baby and I want the one that will ensure I am happier and healthy and ready for this life change.

    Another odd thought I could probably throw in here was I have not been with anyone after the father of this child and I split up. I want my next relationship to be my last and I am willing to wait for what God has in store for me and there is personal achievements that I want to conquer before committing to someone again. First is this no pmo lifestyle, better health and fitness, education and most of all simply learning all of who I am and having the space in life to be who I dream of being and let all my past failures and problems be dealt with and grow from. As far as people saying to go no pmo but be physically intimate with someone else is the natural way to be, which I agree but I also don't want sex. It is what brought on pregnancy and it was something I grew up never wanting. Truth be told, I hated the idea of having children and planned on being successful in business of some sort but now that I am having a child, I can't deny this to be part of my life. I don't plan on having sex even if I met someone amazing for a good long time. In that essence, it would be easy to analyze why I watched porn and masturbated and figure out and learn from my triggers and once I can return to a normal state, to pick up masturbation only again if I have no partner or desire for one and it doesn't get in the way of life but that is too easy, right? I want to rid the though of sex or anything related to it out of my head until I have so much love in my heart for someone that it's a natural response to want to be with them or feel 100% comfortable opening up what has been a vulnerable part of me.
     
  7. pieterarons15

    pieterarons15 Member

    There should be more woman open about this !!!

    Man are more open about this topic it seems its a little bit taboo for woman "watching porn" and be adictive. But it can be harmfull.

    Woman can especially be adicted to "scenario's". So they like drama in real life and they would actually dont date a guy they like because it isnt exiting it isnt a chase.. I know a girl who cheated on her husband because she fantasied about it in porn.
     
  8. KimberlyBowman

    KimberlyBowman New Member

    I definitely agree that this should be a broad topic and not be so limited to gender roles. Porn is a human problem, not just a male problem. Hell, even asking women in my life if they masturbate or watch porn, I get answers ranging from that's not proper to who doesn't? A select few are open to the idea and actually admit, but they have not went over the type of porn, how much, or how often. I mean, I guess I understand because that is more of a personal subject but one friend in particular has absolutely no filter and I sweat she doesn't have shame for nothin' and she still doesn't let loose too much about it. I would rather own up to a problem or get help with something I don't want in my life any further than deny it or pretend there is no issue with it.
     

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