Starting over, Sept 8th 2013.

Re: Keeping it real.

Well done bro. I think if you can keep it together when you've got a gut full of grog, it makes keeping it together the REST of the time all that much easier...

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Yessir, I realise now that I was more than a little drunk, after not having a drink at all for the last 10 days or so, and it was good waking up this morning not having done the usual after what has always been an automatic porn session in the past when I'm home alone after a few.

I had a great day yesterday with a couple of friends, long lunch, couple of really good art exhibitions, long dinner, friend's gig, and during dinner we got talking about porn and I told them I'd found myself needing to stop using it, and that I'd realised I was addicted to it and that using it was harming me, and that i was totally off it now for the last 6 months, with a few slip-ups. There was a wary sort of disbelief and some piss-taking that I had been so into porn that I'd had to stop, but eventually there was recognition from one that he was addicted too and that it probably wasn't very healthy or what he wanted to be doing, and from my other pal a breakdown of his porn use to prove that he didn't have a problem - i.e. I think he probably has as much of a problem as any of us here. The conversation didn't go on for too long, but it felt like a big deal and a good thing, healthy and empowering, to get it out in the open a bit with people I trust (yet who are also likely to jokingly 'out' me conversation with other friends in the future - but that's ok, I'm up for talking about it).

It's a beautiful morning here.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

BEAUTIFUL man! "Keeping it real" indeed.
Lean into that edge. Courage, brother! 8)

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Thanks JDoe, I'm leaning into the edge. Interesting choice of words there, I've been reading some great words on yoga entitled 'Playing the Edge' - talking about pushing up the very edge before pain occurs with the postures, and then playing with what arises there - powerful stuff and very apt for daily life...

Decided to come here again to tap out a few words to the effect that I'm feeling very strong urges to pmo today, which is likely the effects of drinking last night as much as anything else, though 2 months now with no sex certinaly has its part to play... Woke up this morning with some thoughts of getting in touch with a couple of exes I'm still on good terms with, but this isn't really the route I want to go down as it's just plastering over the hole left by my recent split.

Kind of feel like I'm on a tightrope here today so I'm focussing on powering through my hefty to do list towards 6pm when I'll be downing tools and throwing some shapes on the mat for an hour or so and then having a quiet night in.

It's good to have this place to come to and check in with others to remind myself I'm not alone on this, as sometimes it can feel that way. I also want to be truly accountable rather than just ploughing my own furrow, so to speak.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

I feel a sense of achievement in not giving in to some strong urges yesterday, of riding them out and keeping my head down mindfully and coming out the other side feeling good. Even now, 6 months down the line with a few minor resets, the deeply ingrained urges are there. Now though I'm committed to gently starving them of the oxygen they need to survive, with one eye on the part of me that just wants to throw the towel in let it all go.

Writing up a few things on others' posts I've been reminded that it wasn't so long ago that I was floundering around in quite extreme drinking, fairly heavy cigarette smoking, quite regular drug use, casual sex and heavy porn use as standard, and how very far away from all that I feel now.

All those things that once signified my freedom and a life lived without compromise now symbolise the opposite - a life lived in thrall to blindly following a conditioned way of being, lost and trapped in cycles of restrictive behaviour, harming myself and others in the process, and generally wading against the current of what my true self, or Self, really desires: truth, love, reality, joy.

I used the expression 'porn free' when posting on another post earlier and it reminded me of a film I loved when I was a kid and obsessed with big cats, Born Free. It's a lovely cheesy old song, with great sentiments and timely words, and fun to switch 'born' for 'porn'...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=Rb2Awn_dYTs

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Keep on rocking the free world Zed.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Beautiful zed,

Your back at 2 weeks pretty much. I can hear your determination in your post.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Great journaling. Keep it going. Thanks.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Porn free, as free as the wind blows… ;D

Hey Z. Glad to hear you were determined enough not to let the booze let you give in.

I found it inspiring to read about your disclosure with friends. Somehow, reading someone else do it felt less like reason to be ashamed. You know, I could have easily been like your pal who could justify to himself I didn't have an addiction. It seems to me that your disclosure is really a sign of understanding that porn is no longer serving you.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Hey RR, real glad to see you back mate, I did have a wonder whether you'd maybe fallen off the wagon... Glad to hear the opposite is true. And yes, the disclosure with friends, although brief, was a big thing for me and I feel expanded and clearer because of it.

And thanks allpoots and fcj.

Feeling great today, clear-headed and up for getting stuck into the day and then out with some friends to see one of my favourite bands for the first time live - I've been listening to them a huge amount lately and I'm totally up for them tearing my head off with extreme noise tonight.

Had a big wave of a well-known urge to get into some porn on my way home this morning. I cycled past a hot girl and just had an automatic, almost audible, movement of gears in the space of a second, that led from 'wow she's nice' to 'when I get home I'll load up some porn' - not in those words, but in one swift feeling. I felt it move through me and then cast it aside, though not without recognising that this is an old and powerful habit that still has a strong root in me somewhere. It'll weaken though and wither away if I don't feed it. I'm on zero tolerance with this stuff for the next while, in a kind and gentle way.

Reminds me of something I heard from the Buddha once, saying that a law of Nature demands that whatever seed you put in the ground, the plant and the fruit will grow according to the nature of the seed, and so it is with us. Plant good seeds now in every thought and action possible, and the corresponding fruit will come through.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Yes, those women on bikes, I know what you mean.
We will just have to get used to them..... or move to Iran.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

The Buddha story is like a Native American story I just heard:

A young man explains to a wise elder that he's confused about himself. He often feels sad or angry without wanting to be. He has bad habits he doesn't like, but can't control himself. He feels turmoil within.

The wise elder explains to him that there are two dogs inside him, fighting for supremacy. A fierce, bad tempered, sneaky, black dog that pushes him towards evil. And a kind, courageous, wise, loving, tolerant white dog that pushes him towards good. These two dogs will fight for supremacy until one eventually wins.

The young man asks, with concern, "Which dog will win the fight?"

The wise elder replies, "The one you keep feeding."

...

By the way, where's all our wise elders? I think this society could use a few more of them.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Hey Z. I have a feeling this band is nothing like Andy Williams (Born free…) ;D Have great time, mate. I know for me music is one of my favorite ways to feel alive. Mum says: Let the music inspire you and remember to ground yourself with that deep soul of yours when you get home

I hear on the nice girl - porn connection. There seems to be no shortage of pretty women. But we know where "cheap sex" leads to. I imagine your "pause between urge and action" is developing and you'll eventually have the fruit to show for understanding there's a better way. That's what I am hoping for you anyway.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

In Holland, I can only imagine so… Perhaps you'll need to focus on the bikes

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Kees - you're killin' me mate! ROTFLMAO... ;D Love it.
(Though truth be told...they have plently of beautiful women in Iran too. You just need to wear your X-Ray glasses.)

 

Re: Keeping it real.

That's a great one mate.
And to answer your question...they are all around us. Every time I look, I find them. Some of them are even here, on this forum...

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Wow, I had my mind and body blown by the most intensely loud, extreme and artistically uncompromising gig last night that I'm reeling a bit today, feeling a bit sleep-deprived and done in as it was hard to sleep after (and I drank a coffee in the evening like I might have popped a pill back in the day... wildman!), but also charged up and inspired to get on and do what needs to be done.

2 weeks today and feeling good for it and about it, I've got a busy social weekend here with quite a few people coming to mine so I'm not going to be online much at all I think, so just checking in here to say the wheels are turning as they should be.

Men of YBR I salute you.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

I'm starting to see that. Sure glad I started posting here a few days ago. Thanks all.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Have a great one Z!

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Hi ya Zed,

Glad you are having good times, and most of all socializing!!!

Don't want to sound like yer Mama... remember you do need adequate sleep. I know when tired out that used to often lead me to lapses in reason that made urges takes over.

Sorry I don't mean to lecture a wise soul such as yourself but just the gentlest of reminders. With love and respect.

Congrats on the 2 weeks.