Starting over, Sept 8th 2013.

After a bit of thinking I've decided to start up a new post, as I feel that I'm on the point of a real change in my life, and I'm now approaching this rebooting business with what feels like a more serious and fresher approach than before, and I feel a renewed dedication to being the person I can be rather than getting dragged through the bushes by the various nonsense that presents itself in my life, pmo being a main offender. My old journal, if you're interested, can be found here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5566.0

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I've been putting off coming back here for a couple of days, due to resetting last week, and having some doubts about continuing to do this, but in the last couple of days I've realised that this is really important to me and this forum is the best hope I have of keeping on top of where I'm going, along with all the work I'm doing outside of it of course.

I had a predictable fall into a pmo session after coming home drunk after a gig last week - in retrospect I was pretty much lining it up from earlier in the evening, and spending time having a fun night with a couple of attractive younger women at the gig with my mate pretty much sealed the deal, as I'm still not up for entering into anything with a woman after my recent split-up so didn't even attempt to go there with either of them, but the thought of getting naked with a woman and having a good old time of it is never far away, and thus pmo once again found its way in through the ill-guarded, booze-softened doors...

It's a pisser, as I was well pleased to be approaching 30 days at last, but there it is.

I do feel that there is a change in the air around this though, and it's something I've noticed with a few other things in the last few days. Right now, and I'm well aware this will change again at some point, the consumption of porn, alcohol and sugar - all things I 'love' in one way or another and have a certain compulsion towards - just feel like self-harm of sorts. As I'm typing this out I have a huge urge to flip open a couple of windows and have 'one last go' before getting serious, but there's a greater part of me quietly saying 'no'. I hope I can listen up to this quieter, but deeper, voice.

For me it's now all about learning to dwell in the pause that comes from a sudden feeling of wanting to act out, usually for the feeling of escape, or a warped sense of freedom and excitement, and to feel out exactly what is going on. In that pause a choice is made, and usually the pause is very easily glossed over in favour of just sticking to the habit, as it's so easy and has the illusion of a quick and simple gratification, and thus no choice is ever really being made available. But I know the choice is in there, and this is what I'm setting my mind to cultivate and develop now. To be in the space between an urge and an action, and to really feel out what is going on, rather than just fleeing after the urge.

It's a bit embarrassing and tiresome that I'm back here again, trying to establish this discipline, when I see people on here getting on with it with such commitment and purpose, but this is where I'm at, and it's a work in progress, and I'm happy to be here doing it as the alternative is just to stay locked in a box as I was before, semi-blindly knocking along and living a life that involved shame and a hiding away of part of myself, and being in thrall to a lifelong habit that I've never been happy about. I'm not willing to do this any longer as my life and how I express it is worth so much more.

Yoga continues to fulfil me and develop me in ways I'm just amazed by, and this is where I want to direct my attention towards now in tough times. I very much intend to bring my attention to all aspects of my life that I feel need some loving care and clearing out, in the same way I bring loving attention and care to the less stretchy parts of my very non-stretchy body when I'm getting bendy on the mat.

I'm setting my counter to aim for the first day of a week-long silent meditation retreat I have lined up in the summer where hopefully I can consolidate some of where I'm at with all this, and the issues that surround it. It's nice to have a clear date to reach, and one that means a lot to me and where I'm going in my life.

It's a new start, as well as being simply another step on the road.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

You're gonna have to do more than start a new journal thread to shake me off your tail bro! 8)
I'm with ya for the long haul. I appreciate you, my friend.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

I wouldn't worry too much over the rest Zed. I was also bummed out by mine, but I feel like I learn from each one. Part of me feels they were necessary, as the all-or-nothing immediate dive into all of this was a bit of a shock to the system. Probably like many others, I jumped right into No PMO after discovering YBOP, and had little time to really adjust to the whole concept. In a way I feel like for some of us a reset is necessary so we know first-hand what it feels like to go back to the old habit. For those dedicated to do this, it's a learning experience. Gives you something to compare.

For me, at present at least, I find the forums and journaling my progress to be helpful. I find it too easy to sink back into old habits when I've been away for too long. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and just head into the next 90 days with a fresh resolve.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Glad to hear it JDoe, I very much appreciate you too brother.

And you OM - and I'm cool with the reset thank you, in fact I am excellent. I feel like something has clicked in me this time round, and we'll see, but right now I feel very much indeed on the straight and narrow. That's why I decided to have a small shift to a new journal to mark this, whilst also acknowledging and appreciating the past as it stands right now.

Feel great today - had a fantastic session in the yoga heat this morning, a great sunny cycle ride across town to a very good therapy session. The sun was shining and I was listening to Radiohead real loud on the way, and the first few lines from Motion Picture Soundtrack just sparked me up - "Cheap sex and sad films / Help me get where I belong" - thinking this just is where I was at in the past, and I just don't feel it any more. Probably had to be there, but it was a sweet moment.

Yesterday was spent very much dwelling in the pause between urge and action, and it was a difficult and quite wonderful place to ride out. I was a hair's breadth from just flipping on the porn for one last hit before 'getting serious', but just didn't get to the point where it seemed like it really felt like it was what I wanted on a real level.

Had a moment in the middle of quite a hard balancing asana this morning where I met my own eyes in the studio mirror in a much deeper way than usual and just levelled out, sent roots down through the floor, filled up my body with my breathing and held position like a fucking statue, and that's where I'm at right now with today, feeling real strong and alive.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Back from a great night out with a couple of lady friends, and I'm struck by the fact that it was a week ago that I slipped up again, both for the fact that a week of no pmo has just flown by for the most part, as if it's the most normal thing in the world to not look at porn for a week - which it is now of course - and also because the thought of doing so right now seems so ridiculous.

It was only a short time ago that a week without porn was pretty much an impossibility and might represent the maximum I'd gone for years, give or take a holiday. Good times.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Hey Z! Your new Avatar pic is more how I imagine you.

You know, I think we do get a new, smarter mindset every time we get back on the horse, and I'm noting how focused you seem this time. Glad you're back, man!

Now I don't want to sound like your mother (or mum as you Brits say), but I had a curious feeling when I read about your ape-shit night to come. I thought, and questioned, how does he get grounded after all that revved up energy? What's his cool-down plan? So when I read about this "learning to dwell in the pause" I really resonated with the idea. It's sounds right for that sort of occasion (and other moments). I also really found that image of you looking yourself in the eyes and growing roots as powerful (you know I dig that mind-body synch). It seems to me, yoga seems a great resource for those pauses, no? I know you have that quieter, deeper voice, mate. I hear it your writing.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Reading those words...I was right there with you brother. I know that space. (Plus - I fucking LOVE Radiohead!)
And yeah, I know that feeling of "I just don't feel it any more."
Bigtime.

Beautiful words as always my brother. I do love seeing you shine...

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Yeah JDoe, I'm on a bit of a rediscovery with Radiohead at the moment having listened to them to death for years. It's all about Kid A and In Rainbows right now!

Thanks RR, it's good to have a bit of a shift and be back on the case again.

It's Easter today and I'm feeling the spirit of rebirth and new beginnings strongly right now. Spring Equinox time has been a huge deal for all cultures for thousands of years, and I'm really feeling the spirit of it this year in terms of my own new beginnings.

Eostre, Goddess of the Dawn, lend me strength, I beseech thee...

Feeling real good today, with no urge at all to get into any pmo nonsense - the sun is shining, I have a weekend of yoga classes and friends lined up and it's all waiting for me to get off of my computer and into it all.

7 days.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

To your rebirth Zed, away from the snare of PM addiction... I believe in you brother!

I often reflect on your journal and find inspiration...

 

Re: Keeping it real.

I've already instructed my wife to play "Videotape" and "Reckoner" off 'In Rainbows' at my funeral.
Easily some of the best albums of all time...

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Yes mate! So many good tunes on that album - pretty much the whole thing really. All I Need is a highlight for me.
They're unreal live too.
Seeing Swans play next weekend, practically freely urinating in my trousers about that.
This is a belter too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y80ubfmui6U

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Thanks fcj! You're a fantastic man to have here along the way mate, a real inspiration.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

jesus. Videotape makes me want to cry every single time. Don't die JD.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Me too bro...me too. I can't even listen to that song without my throat starting to constrict, and tears welling up. It's a stunner.
(See, I knew there was a reason we get along so well!)

We're all gonna die dude - but that doesn't mean I'm planning on doing it anytime soon.
I still got way too much life to live first. You have even more...ya young bastard. ;D

Thanks bro.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Shit man, that's a beauty. I'm running a story in my mind that this tune cuts pretty deep for you at the moment...could just be me though.

Yeah - ALL of In Rainbows is ridiculously good - 'All I Need' is definitely a favorite of mine and my wife's. I'm not much of a dancer, but I can remember sharing a slow-dance with her one night to that song...and it's one of those memories I'll be running through my mind, some day way off in the future, while I'm in my rocking chair and waiting for someone to come change my diapers...
Pure bliss.

Have an amazing time at the Swans, mate. You already know I'm jealous as hell.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Day 8, feeling great.

Came down slowly from a looooonnnnngggg headstand in yoga class this morning, folding gently into child's position, forehead on floor, arms stretched out ahead, eyes closed, and just felt a deep wave of gratitude flooding through me, filling me up as I knelt there in supplication and surrender to the Universe and everything in my life. Magic.

So far away from the bullshit that brought me to this forum in the first place.

Love to you all.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Came on here to quickly post up and ended up reading a few other posts - always good to see what's going on here and it's funny that I think the guys on this forum quite regularly throughout the day, whoever you are...

Not got much time here so I just want to say that all is well and I'm enjoying the fact that it's a long weekend, and I'm enjoying the whole Easter/equinox thing of new beginnings and so on - long may all of our new beginnings continue and bring much happiness and a greater involvement with what's really important in life.

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Hi Zed,

Enjoy the weekend brother. I agree with you I think often during the day about the different men here, who I have never met face to face and never will, but am closer to than many people I have known for decades. It's the honesty and integrity...

Be well Zed!

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Ditto guys. Thinking of you both. 8)

 

Re: Keeping it real.

Thanks guys.

Am sat here a little drunk after a great day and night out with good friends, knowing full well this is a classic time to roll out some porn, and knowing full well this isn't going to happen tonight.

Ten days down. Eighty one to go, for starters.