After a bit of thinking I've decided to start up a new post, as I feel that I'm on the point of a real change in my life, and I'm now approaching this rebooting business with what feels like a more serious and fresher approach than before, and I feel a renewed dedication to being the person I can be rather than getting dragged through the bushes by the various nonsense that presents itself in my life, pmo being a main offender. My old journal, if you're interested, can be found here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5566.0 --- I've been putting off coming back here for a couple of days, due to resetting last week, and having some doubts about continuing to do this, but in the last couple of days I've realised that this is really important to me and this forum is the best hope I have of keeping on top of where I'm going, along with all the work I'm doing outside of it of course. I had a predictable fall into a pmo session after coming home drunk after a gig last week - in retrospect I was pretty much lining it up from earlier in the evening, and spending time having a fun night with a couple of attractive younger women at the gig with my mate pretty much sealed the deal, as I'm still not up for entering into anything with a woman after my recent split-up so didn't even attempt to go there with either of them, but the thought of getting naked with a woman and having a good old time of it is never far away, and thus pmo once again found its way in through the ill-guarded, booze-softened doors... It's a pisser, as I was well pleased to be approaching 30 days at last, but there it is. I do feel that there is a change in the air around this though, and it's something I've noticed with a few other things in the last few days. Right now, and I'm well aware this will change again at some point, the consumption of porn, alcohol and sugar - all things I 'love' in one way or another and have a certain compulsion towards - just feel like self-harm of sorts. As I'm typing this out I have a huge urge to flip open a couple of windows and have 'one last go' before getting serious, but there's a greater part of me quietly saying 'no'. I hope I can listen up to this quieter, but deeper, voice. For me it's now all about learning to dwell in the pause that comes from a sudden feeling of wanting to act out, usually for the feeling of escape, or a warped sense of freedom and excitement, and to feel out exactly what is going on. In that pause a choice is made, and usually the pause is very easily glossed over in favour of just sticking to the habit, as it's so easy and has the illusion of a quick and simple gratification, and thus no choice is ever really being made available. But I know the choice is in there, and this is what I'm setting my mind to cultivate and develop now. To be in the space between an urge and an action, and to really feel out what is going on, rather than just fleeing after the urge. It's a bit embarrassing and tiresome that I'm back here again, trying to establish this discipline, when I see people on here getting on with it with such commitment and purpose, but this is where I'm at, and it's a work in progress, and I'm happy to be here doing it as the alternative is just to stay locked in a box as I was before, semi-blindly knocking along and living a life that involved shame and a hiding away of part of myself, and being in thrall to a lifelong habit that I've never been happy about. I'm not willing to do this any longer as my life and how I express it is worth so much more. Yoga continues to fulfil me and develop me in ways I'm just amazed by, and this is where I want to direct my attention towards now in tough times. I very much intend to bring my attention to all aspects of my life that I feel need some loving care and clearing out, in the same way I bring loving attention and care to the less stretchy parts of my very non-stretchy body when I'm getting bendy on the mat. I'm setting my counter to aim for the first day of a week-long silent meditation retreat I have lined up in the summer where hopefully I can consolidate some of where I'm at with all this, and the issues that surround it. It's nice to have a clear date to reach, and one that means a lot to me and where I'm going in my life. It's a new start, as well as being simply another step on the road.