Starting over because i'm not happy with myself

I started PIED reboot on Christmas eve 2015 I had a journal on here and successfully went 90 without PMO (id already stopped PMOing before i started reboot) , unfortunately i did edge a few times by watching porn without any kind of masturbation - these were only for fairly short periods though, despite this progress seemed quick - Morning Wood came back almost straight away, my confidence improved (though I have always been shy even before porn) and i found i could once again get full erections by just touching myself, get some spontaneous erections and can happily go for long periods of time without thinking about porn/sex or edging - but i still end up edging from time to time and thats what i'm unhappy with.

Since i stopped posting however iv been worried the edging could have corrupted results, what if i need to touch myself to be sure i can get hard - but this fear wont go away. So i'm back to start a new reboot in the hope in can quit edging/porn altogether - I wont be resting my PMO counter though as thats still true in the sense i haven't PMOd, may add a no edging counter though, also not sure about masturbating - i can do it without fantasy or porn now but should i temporally stop again? also does anyone have any idea if ill actually need a fully 90 days again? i'm willing to but its kinda depressing to think about

 

but from what you said, you did P right, so that violates it. Nice that you are seeing some results. If you don't wanna reset, that is just fine.

Edging is worse than PMOing

how bad is edging, exactly? (Read 5581 times)


Dangers of Edging 1

Dangers of Edging 2


It is in the rules as well,

Go another 90. I think as long as you have come down with the count you have made progress, but nevertheless, I would suggest you do hard mode.

Good luck mate.

 

thank you guardian for your reply, instead of resting my PMO counter i have added a second one for intentionally watching P or P subs - thats the one ill reset if i "cheat" again without full PMO. Fortunately my edging seems to have been few and far between enough to that i'd recovered from one before i'd do it again - but the time in between was getting smaller so i agree its definitely a bad idea. Also i've been thinking and i agree - another full 90 days is the target, i really don't think i'd need a full 90 from were i am right now - but better to over do it and be sure right? and this time no testing or Ming - again better safe then sorry.

My Weapons in this fight are:
[list type=decimal]
[*]Singing in my head - and if i make a mistake, even just one word i start over - this actually comes naturally now
[*]Exercise - just some light stuff, enough to get me out of breath (for now anyway - i got lazy with this first time round and eventually stopped - so gunna work my way back into it)
[*]Cold showers a for a month at a time - it was after 1st stop these my 1st edging cheat happened
[/list]

Also i'm gunna try and spend more time with friends, my social life seems to have died off in recent months (beyond my control). One friend in particular who i'm really-really attracted to, its sadly appears 1 way and i'v only had chance to see her a handful of times this year - and only once for any meaningful amount of time - but being around her should help right? even just as friends?

 

The last few days iv been trying to remove everything that I think could be or cause a trigger, as at least the first few watch P no M lapses were triggered then it started to get harder to resist. Should have done that a lot sooner. Made a start on all my current plans for this reboot, including planning to spend time with some friends this weekend (including the one I mentioned in my last post) hopefully it doesn't get cancelled like the last 4/5 times, as if nothing else it will help distract me.

Next update will probably be early next week unless something worth reporting happens.

 

1st week has been really positive, only a faint urge to watch P again early on but that's normal for a couple of days after one of my watch P no M wobbles and no urge to M again yet, rest of the week I've just been getting on with it, if I go anywhere in walking distance I try to jog now instead, something I did all the time when I was younger. Spending time with Friends didn't quite go to plan as it didn't get cancelled this time, but the person who I wanted to see most could make it .

Has been 2 strange dreams which weren't wet dreams, didn't actually include Nudity, and I didn't even wake up hard but were defiantly sexual in theme. I don't normally dream much unless I have something on my mind - and then the dreamsa have a theme of said thing, so that explains that but the fact the best thing my not fully recovered brain could come up with was 2 sequences that could be in a film aimed at mid to late teens must be a good sign.

 

So another surprisingly easy few days, wish I could believe the rest of the reboot was going to be this easy but I know from my 1st reboot it won't be the case. Expecting the urge to M again and/or the urge to watch P (not at the same time) so this could be were it gets difficult, M is off the table for a least another 80 days, P is off the table for ever. Also based on my semi-successful reboot a flatline should hit soon - 2 weeks away if I'm lucky - which is always fun :-\ (though for me they tend to only last a few days thankfully).

My anti-PMO routine is going well and I think I may look to add more stuff to help fight the urge's when they return and hopefull I'll be able to see friends again soon. Overall I'm feeling good right now.

 

My predictions cam true (maybe because I predicted them? ???), as in I've had so watch P urges and some separate M urges - interestingly all when I'm tired, the watch P urge late in the day so I simply went to bed instead, and the M urge when I've just woke up - so I took a cold shower instead (should note I actually do hot then cold showers - start at my normal temperature then turn it down after a few mins then stay in the cold water at least 5 mins). That's got me wondering if being tired has been a trigger all along and I just never noticed?, I think it would make sense, long day at work etc, get tired and look for some stress relief - if that's the case I now know I need to try and avoid being lazy on the net when I'm getting sleepy (Don't intend to actually quite the net completely lol). Anyhow managed to resist the urges and they seen to have subsided again, No flatline yet but I kinda sense one coming - I'm sure you guys that have had them will know what I mean.

I haven't found anything to add to my routine yet, been looking at sites and reading other Journals for ideas but not sure what Id be able to add and stick to, but even that keeps me distracted so every cloud lol.

 

I came really close to messing up yesterday and intentionally looking at some P subs, thankfully the rational part of my brain won out before I actually did, and instead I decided to fight the urge with something I've been reading about lately but not tried - meditation. I loaded meditation music on YouTube, put my headphones on to bock out any other sounds, sat down closed my eyes and tried it, I was aiming for 3 mins as I read that's a good starting point, but when I decided to stop it was near enough 5 mins. This morning I decided to try again, but without music and just to keep going as long as I could, this time I lasted around 15 minutes. I'm not sure I'm actually doing it right lol, but it did help fight the urge yesterday, and I do feel better after - and the fact both times I lasted longer than I thought I had must mean I'm doing something lol. For a few reasons I wont be doing this every day, but defiantly a new go to thing to fight urges, even if I'm doing it wrong lol.

Think I was wrong about an approaching flatline btw.

 

Thought this was going to be a short update, after my last post things have been fairly easy, I even took a "day off" were I just relaxed and didn't do anything P or reboot related.

But today I had to go to work - also fun on a sunny Sunday : lol, while I was busy I started to get hard, thought it was just a spontaneous erection that I now get from time to time, but then I started to get "flashes" of fantasies and some of my formally favourite P scenes, I was horny - I started fighting it straight away and thankfully won. I had similar experiences in my first reboot, early on I wouldn't get hard at all - later on I would get some reaction if I didn't fight straight away - but this was the first time since any of this started that getting any erection was the first part of being horny without aid, so a good sign - just wish having to fight P scene memories wasn't included.

 

Thankfully another easy few days - think that's proof that I didn't completely screw up my first reboot lol. One worry is the fact I'm on reboot day 24, which means it's actually about 28 days since my last MO and the urge has been almost none existent so far, I don't want my libido to vanish, but I guess that's something to tackle around day 90

 

30 days done 60 to go, since my last update I hit flatline, which like my first reboot only lasted a few days, after that I started to "miss" the things I would use as P subs, thats the kind of thoughts that eventually led to my first P no PM edge around day 45 in my original reboot, so a slightly worrying time but confident ill be fine this time.

That said I actually think I could quit reboot and just try to move on at this point, but I committed to 90 days so thats what I'm going to do, but with a small change of plan, every shower will not be a hot-then-cold shower, just 1 or 2 a week will be, exercise will also go to every other day. My attitude towards P, P subs, and Ming are the same but I'm not going to continue full hard mode, more like half way in between a "standard" reboot and a "hard"reboot. I know thats a risk but I don't want reboot to rule my life like P used to, and I'm confident I can handle the new system, but if its not working I'll go straight back to full hard mode and if necessary add time onto the 90 day target.

 

At no point during any of this have I noticed any change in the size of my dick when flaccid, but after the last flatine I notice it had gotten a bit bigger, I thought it was just my imagination at first so didn't put it in my 30 day update, but it has defiantly grown, which is a side effect I'll gladly live with lol.

The thoughts of "missing" P and P subs haven't gone away yet, though I've coped with them well with my more relaxed reboot routine. My Favourite thing used to be erotic fiction, and the latest thoughts have been along the lines of "if I read some it wont be as bad". I know thats complete bullshit though and all the thoughts like that are just the addiction trying to bargain with me because I'm winning.

 

Up and down since my last update, so days basically "normal" days with no real problems, others had really strong urges to look at p - but managed to resist using my routine those days

In my first reboot it was around day 45 (give or take) when I first looked at P with no M, I'm on day 42 now, so if I can make it to day 50 it's defiantly my longest no P streak ;D.

 

Its offically the longest iv gone without looking at any P, and in 12 days its 6 months since I last PM'd and its been over a week since I had the urge to look at P, I have had to block some thoughts in that time, but that has not been everyday and more and more it feels like I'm really close to winning.

 

Had a weird week, a lot a spontaneous erections early in the day during the week, when awake but not fully alert - not sure thats actually a good thing, and today the urges have been stronger then they have been for a while, I think this was because I was on Facebook (seeing what my friends and family where up to not P Subbing) and chanced across a link to a "some friends like" page that used a picture of what I instantly recognised as being from a P scene I used to like, obviously everyone was fully clothed in the pic or it wouldn't be allowed on Facebook if it was from later in the scene lol. I didn't click the like and used the "hide post" option but that memory seems to have triggered me, Its surprising how easy it is to accidentally stumble across things like that, its a minefield out there lol. Managed to resist the urges thankfully.

So close to the 2 month this reboot, 6 months overall mark and don't want to screw it up now

 

So 60 days done, and near enough 6 months since this all started, and right now I'm scared that I'm close to relapsing, not by PMOing, but like my first reboot edging,because since I accidentally saw that pic on Facebook things got tough, my glad a had the strength to click it off as soon as I saw it, whereas in the old days I would have ended up looking for the scene the pic was taken from the beginning of, but the memory's of what I know that seen involves were hard to fight, and then that changed to the urge to read some sex stories (that used to be one of my favourite things, especially fanfic) and I've been fighting that urge, cos I know even if I read a sexy story with nudity but sex that would be intentional use of a P sub, and I'd just end up looking at vids anyway.

As long as I keep fighting it I think I'll be OK, but I'm really scared the urge could win this time.

So the goal is still to finish this reboot and begin the next stage of my recovery in 30 days on day 90, but I'm going to go back to how I was doing things in the beginning of the reboot - it helped my beat the edging urges before so I hope it can save me again now before I actually screw up and start edging again.

 

As I said in my 60 day update, I feared a relapse was on the way, which seemed to becoming true as I was having to block more and more fantasy's out and was planning to go back to my day 1 to day 30 routine to prevent it. Woke up on day 61 and before I even started anything already felt like a relapse was much less likely, mindset is a funny thing lol.

Went ahead with the return to my more intense routine, hot then cold showers everyday where going to return around day 60 anyway - and think they are defiantly a big help, also exercised more than I was and I've been looking up some more songs to sing to myself to block the fantasy's out, and it seems to have worked .

One thing I did notice about the latest fantasy's as I've been fighting them was in the "old days" like most of us on here most of my fantasy's were mostly based on P scenes, inserting myself in etc, and where more often "3rd person" than P.O.V, but more recent ones were P.O.V stuff, and seemed more based on real life then P, though not fully, but I have no intention of embracing those thoughts and they seem to be stopping again anyway.

 

but if you just edge a little bit isntead of masturbating to porn its still progress if you come from constantly watching porn.

i didnt watch any videos for about 4 weeks. but i did edge this week by watching hot pictures..

obiously its bad that i edged but i shouldnt forget the positive that i didnt watch videos for 4 weeks.

 

You are right about no vids for 4 weeks still being good and if you only edged once just make sure you don't do it again and you will be fine. Good Look Mate

On to the update I wasn't planning to give today, but something happened I want to talk about, One thing I've been trying to do is talk to attractive women more, and my growing confidence has made this easier, today at work I was joking around with an really attractive colleague and even slipped in a couple of playful flirts, what surprised me is the definite signs of life downstairs as we were joking around, tell tale twitching and a feeling of my pants getting a little tighter... this was near the end of the joking about but it happened - and the only touching of any kind was a playful nudge I gave her. I'd been hopping something like this would happen before day 90 so I knew all this was not in vain and was working. Now I know real women can at least start to get me hard again my confidence going forward just took a massive leap and I feel even more like I can win this and move on with my life a better person.

 

Didn't intend to go so long without an update but never mind lol, still struggling with urges from time to time but all in all things are good, with more and more signs that at least the PIED is cured, obviously cant be 100% on that - but when i started this reboot i didn't think I'd need 90 days from where i was after my 1st reboot, and with the 90 day mark in sight it seems like I was right - though it also seems like the urges to look at P is going to stay around for a while yet.