Hi all, So...I find myself at this excellent forum, having read reams of material on yourbrainonporn.com, considering the no PMO exercise which I'm currently going through. I actually started at the beginning of the year but had a masturbation relapse at the end of February, and have started again from the start of March (five or six days ago). Anyway, to tell you a bit about myself, I'm 38 and have used porn as a safety net, a crutch, and as a friend - many things really over twenty five years or so. The irony of course is that its also been a poison, seeping through my mind, insidiously destroying sections of my life. However, I don't wish the reader to think that this has been entirely without my knowledge - I have pondered on the wisdom of using porn, but I guess never realised the extent of its influence. In terms of my life then, although never diagnosed, I developed Dysthymia around the age of 10 - that's chronic low mood disorder. This then blossomed (as it often does) into major depressive mood disorder around the age of 16 - and around the university years I'm pretty sure obsessive compulsive disorder, social anxiety disorder and sexual anxiety disorder could have all been added to the roster. I trained as a psychotherapist for a while, so those diagnosis are good - it's just a matter of looking up the criteria and ticking boxes. The anxiety disorders (apart from sexual anxiety) fell away naturally, but it wasn't until I went to therapy for a year or so that I managed to start to get a grip on my depression. That was 6 years ago. Anyway, the reason for telling you all this is partially cathartic, but also to indicate that my teenage sexual development occurred during heavily depressed days and that, although the depression is largely dealt with, my sexual development is still held back by the thoughts associated with that depression. Foremost amongst those was the idea that I as a person wouldn't be attractive to girls (in terms of personality, etc) so I had to be sexually attractive - this led to getting penis extenders, etc (in my teenage years). However, since I threw myself into masturbation with such verve and gusto as to make Casanova blush, I also went down dark paths in terms of looking at and reading about abherrant types of porn. It fitted in with my depression at the time - "I'm a bad person, sick and twisted, so looking at lots of porn is what someone like me would do". Add the social anxiety to that mix and porn seemed like a much more attractive thing to do than go and talk to real girls. Although I wasn't raised as a Catholic, there was (and continues to be) strong thoughts of sexual behaviour (not just porn) being something that's wrong, dirty and disgusting. Obviously if I think about it, I don't believe such a thing, but there's a big difference between what you think and what you believe or feel. That's something I need to work on. Anyway, so here I am, trying to reboot the whole system whilst also getting rid of the guilt and shame stuff. My job doesn't help to be honest - I'm a University lecturer teaching psychology - which means I'm surrounded by 18 - 21 girls. There's not much I can do about that, I'll consider that just part of the challenge. So...day 6, all things considered, generally doing ok. Karzam p.s. Sorry about the wall of text, newer entries into the journal will be somewhat more pithy hopefully.