Standing in the light

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Truself, May 27, 2018.

  1. Truself

    Truself Member

    Today was a good day at work. Pretty productive. I plan to not touch any screens for the rest of the evening. Going to read a book instead and maybe take an evening walk.

    In a way, this journey is a blessing because it teaches you better ways that you can live. It allows you to look at your life and ask yourself, "what can I do differently?", "what can I do better?".

    Anyway, signing off. Keep fighting, keep climbing the mountain of success.
  2. Truself

    Truself Member

    The best thing that happened today is that I was able to get an erection while thinking about a girl who I may potentially have a date with.

    It's always nice when that happens, considering the effect that porn has on erections.

    Overall, not a terrible day. Kicking ass at work. Going to proceed with no-screen and take a walk, maybe call a family member.
  3. Truself

    Truself Member

    Just an update...everything seems to be ok. Going to spend the evening / weekend screenless.

    I feel a bit lonely. Called this girl last night, we talked for a bit and she seemed nice. I don't really know if it will lead to anything. I hope that I at least get to meet her.

    I kind of wish she'd contact me today but it doesn't really look like that will happen.

    We'll see.
  4. Truself

    Truself Member

    Feel depressed tonight. It's a weekend and I'm alone. Remembering my ex. The good, the terrible...mostly feeling sorry for myself.

    While I'm not explicitly going to pornsites, I have caught myself engaging in activities that could be described as porn driven. (Such as looking up photos of sex dolls).

    Overall though I think I'm doing better. At the very least I'm not watching porn which is an improvement. I think posting here has been a help. Posting here doesn't stop the behavior but it keeps me committed, and it allows for my true self to speak. This journal is a place where I can talk about what I really want, away from the addiction. I can see who I really am, and what I really want more clearly here. I can differentiate between what the addiction wants, and what I want.

    That's a good thing I believe. It shows that for the most part, the addiction is not in control. There are times when it gets control, but I am not my addiction. I just have a side of me that turns on every now and then. That is my struggle. Taming the inner demon within.

    Going to try to read a bit tonight.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Until now I have always kept fantasizing during my reboots, but I start believing that this can really delay the progress because it keeps the visual stimulation going. At first it's just mild, but it will build up in a few days, until you need a discharge. If you keep fantasies at a minimum, you kind of extinguish the fire when it is still small. My current reboot without fantasies is the furthest I have gotten since 2012. Have a look at this great post if you're interested:

    I am not saying that for you it wouldn't work (everybody had to find his own way to recovery), but may be interesting to have a look into it.
  6. Truself

    Truself Member

    I'm personally very into self-acceptance, and acceptance of my own sexuality. I feel that there are healthy ways in which my sexuality comes out, and unhealthy ways in which it comes out.

    At this time I don't believe that fantasy is an unhealthy expression of my sexuality. That's just my own personal belief on the matter. I understand that everyone has their own ways, I just want to find a way that doesn't involve disowning my healthy and natural sexual feelings.

    Regarding today:
    A lot of relapsing. Procrastinating some mildly annoying and difficult task that I have to do, and that led me into a spiral of relapse after relapse after relapse.
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2018
  7. Truself

    Truself Member

    Today has been an OK day. I'm progressing a lot in my career which makes me happy. I'm growing and getting better every day.

    Summer is here and there are just so many beautiful women outside showing a lot of skin. It hurts a lot that I'm single and basically at this point in time I don't have access to any of that. Every beautiful woman that I pass feels like a stab in the face.

    It's rough. Being passive is rough. They'll never come up to me. They'll never talk to me. I have to be the one that talks to them. That's just the way it is.

    I'm sexually passive, I don't make approaches and I don't make attempts. The consequence is that my sexuality feels more like a burden than a gift at times. All of this is kind of depressing. I see other members on this forum who go out there and get numbers left and right. I have to admit that I feel very jealous of that. Their actions make me feel very jealous. Though if I were honest with myself, I don't really want to sleep with many women...I just want to find one woman. I just want to find one woman who will be my family. I understand that it would be impossible to even find this one woman if I don't put myself out there and try.

    Going to give myself a healthy break this evening. Contact some family members, Read a book, relax, turn my brain off from all this BS.

    Thanks for reading guys.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    The best thing you can do if you want this to happen is to actually have more male friends. Guys can meet other needs we have, then you’ll feel less dependant on or needy for a women. Weirdly, that’s when you’ll find talking to them a whole lot easier.
  9. Truself

    Truself Member

    I relapsed this morning. Thankfully it was a quick one. Before I relapsed I did fight it though. I resisted the cravings, I journalled about how I felt, I took a shower, I reminded myself that I want to quit. Despite all that, I ended up relapsing anyway.

    It almost feels like my body uses porn as a way to keep equilibrium. I was feeling pretty depressed this morning about my relationship situation. I journaled about my feelings, about how unhappy and unfulfilled I am as a result of my relationship status. It was like - first the porn cravings, then the journaling about my painful feelings, then the struggle to resist the cravings for porn, then the shower, and then a quick relapse.

    Pornography addiction is such a compulsive behavior. How could it not be. I'm writing here every evening talking about how I want to quit, and yet because my body needs this and has used it as a way to deal with painful emotions, I just go right into it.

    I remember when I had a girlfriend, I was quite easily able to go 1 month without porn. The reason for the behavior wasn't there anymore. I had a girlfriend. I was happy. At some point, I could say that those days were the happiest of my entire life. No negative feelings, no need for the behavior and girlfriend provided an adequate sexual release. The good days.

    No girlfriend - Depression, pain, un-fulfilment, unhappiness, aloneness (but luckily, not loneliness and yes - there is a difference), jealousy, hatred (for my ex). A constant cycle of feeling rotten.

    I'm OK with being dependent on women for some level of happiness (but not all of it). I am a man, and I have a sex drive, and I am 90% straight. I feel ok with my desires for women. I think that it is nature and wonderful. I never really did very well to fulfill those needs. It almost feels like to have a girlfriend for me would be something unnatural because of how highly difficult it is and has always been for me to find one. It's like I'm "learning" how to find a girlfriend and how to have sex because those things are not natural to my existence and do not come as second nature. I have to take extra steps that are beyond what I am today, beyond what I am capable of today, in order to obtain a life partner. If sex is natural and "easy", then the process to obtain it for me has been everything but natural and easy. (That being said, I am highly picky of partners. I don't sleep with anyone. I'm looking for specific traits and if I don't see them, I don't continue dating said person).

    I don't think that journaling is an adequate way to deal with emotional pain, at least with regards to addiction. Acknowledging that the pain is there is not enough. The pain is still there. And as long as it is still there, so are the cravings. Porn on the other hand is a highly effective way to deal with emotional pain. Immediately you feel better, you feel that high. The numbness. So now I'm trying to find something that will replace porn. Can anything replace porn?

    What are some things that can replace porn, at least with regards to dealing with emotional pain. If I had a tool that was as effective at dealing with emotional pain as porn is, I would no longer need porn.

    Does such a tool exist? I'm open to suggestions.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Journaling may not seem an adequate way to deal with emotional pain in the short run, but believe me, if you keep writing down your feelings, be it here on the board or private, and don't hold back in what you want to express, you do loose emotional baggage. Besides it will help you to get to the root of your problems. To get a better understanding of who you are and what drives you in life. When you want to overcome this addiction, you'll have to find a way to deal with that baggage. Even more powerful than writing is talking. I decided once to see a therapist for my shit, and I can tell you it was the best choice in my life. When I expressed all my shit, and my therapist just looked at me and told me that that is not a big deal, I felt all my guilt, shame and such a burden that I built up in years, just falling from my shoulders.

    You are addicted to the dopamine rush that you create with masturbation and visual stimulation. There's nothing healthy to replace that with. All I can think of is binge-eating, TV, alcohol and drugs. You'll have to take your time to get to the point that you don't need that rush (or numbness) anymore and then slowly replace this destructive habit into more healthy ones. This is not done in one day. Don't be hard on yourself rebooting-wise. Take small steps and work on your inner-self as well as on the (bit by bit) abstaining. If you look back in one year, you'll see how much progress you have made.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  11. Truself

    Truself Member

    Thank you so much @Gilgamesh for your support.

    I didn't post yesterday because I was with family. Overall I'm doing well. One of the most amazing things about posting on this forum daily and finally being 100% committed to quitting is that by not watching porn, I started to live a healthier life.

    In the past month I've implemented a no-screen after 7pm policy which has allowed me to enjoy new hobbies such as reading. I've also cancelled my internet (still have phone hot spot). I've begun to seek out new ways to socialize with others and am starting to live the life that I truly want. I no longer feel shameful or worried when I give someone my laptop, as it has not been used to watch porn for a month now. That's an amazing feeling.

    It's amazing how, because porn is so good at shifting emotions and masking problems, that I never thought to do any of these activities. I didn't need to because I had porn to soothe me. Now that porn is gone, there is a void that needs to be filled and I'm filling it with new fulfilling things in my life. The experience of quitting definitely has it's ups and downs, but this is definitely a positive.

    Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. I'm excited to see where I will be 1 year from now... 1 year of continued posting here...1 year of full commitment to living a better, healthier life.
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Truself

    Truself Member

    Had another decent day today. No real cravings to report. Spent time with family. That is all.
  13. Truself

    Truself Member

    Having some pretty severe cravings right now. I once again procrastinated doing something important today and the fact that I haven't done it is stressing me out - though I can just as easily do it tomorrow morning.

    I've decided that a lot of the gay cravings that I have are related to pornography as I only started to have them after I started to quit. It's like my brain switched to something else. Also, I realized that I probably would never even feel this way had I not messed with prostate massagers. I feel like that was a huge that I regret dearly.

    What's going on with me internally?
    Cravings. Lots of cravings. Cravings to act out sexually. Cravings to go after things that do not serve me in the long run at all.

    Pain because I'm single. Aloneness. Rejection. Heartache.

    Having a tough time this evening. I'm going to try to spend some time reading and staying away from technology of any kind.
  14. Truself

    Truself Member

    I feel like I made a lot of progress this weekend. On Saturday evening I was suffering from some very real cravings, but I was able to say no! I remembered how I post on this site daily, and how I really want to quit and leave porn behind, and that gave me the strength to say no.

    This is a major breakthrough for me, because I remember giving in at the slightest of cravings. I didn't fight it hard enough at all. Posting here every day has given me the conviction to say no to porn!

    Beyond that, I figured out a way to deal with my gay cravings. I realized that all this happened literally one week after I decided to quit porn, and realized that this is just another way for my body to get a short term high.

    I know myself, and I know that I would never want to be in a relationship with a guy. I just don't ever see that happening. The cravings I got were due to my prostate being "awakened" from the prostate massagers, causing me to get random waves of pleasure that happen from time to time. These random waves of pleasure cause cravings for prostate stimulation but since a prostate massager isn't exciting enough, I get gay cravings. Quite bizarre. Ultimately I realized that all of this has one thing in common with porn. It's short term pleasure. There is no end game here. There is no long term commitment. It's all short term, just like porn.

    What I really want is long term satisfaction. That's what this journey to quit porn is all about! It's about getting long term satisfaction that makes you feel good about yourself!

    That's why I'm focusing on that long term. Getting myself into a relationship where I can be truly happy and fulfilled.

    Love it. I feel like a winner this weekend. This weekend, I am a winner.
    Gil79 likes this.
  15. Truself

    Truself Member

    Even though my weekend was good, I still ended up acting out compulsively on Sunday evening...I ended up on Gay hookup apps.

    I think that a mistake that I have made is that I do not schedule my MO cycles. By masturbating whenever I feel like it, I'm still at the whim of my cravings, and I allow myself to give in when I should not give in - because I'm not even fighting it.

    If I schedule my MO sessions, and do them with purpose (Release, pleasure, long term commitment), I will at least know that I am not at the whim of my cravings when I do this .I will be forcing myself to deal with cravings when they come up in different ways, rather than just immediately going into my pants.

    Last night was not a setback. It was progress. I'm learning more and more about myself, and about how my compulsivity works. For now I decided to schedule an MO session every 3 days. It's not too challenging but it does force me to stretch a bit, and when I get cravings I will look for other coping tools such as walks and meditation.

    Thanks for reading.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think that is really a good strategy. Someone once told me that willpower is like a muscle that needs to be trained. In this way you can train this step by step. At the same time it makes you more aware of your cravings and maybe their origins.
  17. Truself

    Truself Member

    Everything is going well so far. Oddly enough I've experienced fewer cravings now that I have decided to schedule MO.

    I feel pretty good about my progress. Happy because I'm learning more and more about myself through this process...highs and lows.

    Also happy because of all the positive changes that have happened in my life since I started posting on this forum.

    I started to read more. I cancelled my internet. I don't use the computer when I come home from work. I find myself exercising more (taking daily walks anyway). I started to look for ways to interact socially in the real world, as opposed to the computer. I'm becoming more in tune with my body. I'm becoming more in tune with what I really want in my personal life.

    Lately it has dawned on me that perhaps the key to being happy is to quit porn. That somehow through the journey of quitting porn, everything will fall into place. I wonder if this is true. Certainly feels that way today.

    I actually started to believe again that I can do this. I can quit porn.
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Truself

    Truself Member

    I acted out compulsively tonight. Tonight was the night that I scheduled my MO session and I completely fucked it up. On my way home I started to fantasize about how I would do it. While I did not watch porn or get on a hookup app, I did allow myself to edge. My addicted brain told me "you won't cum for another 3 days so you should edge and make the best of it". That did not feel good. It felt like porn-lite. Ugh. I feel so fucking disgusted right now with my actions. With my addiction that never ceases to yield.

    What I did today, was like an alcoholic drinking hard lemonade and telling himself that it's not alcohol. I totally fucked this up and I let myself fuck it up.

    If there is any good that came out of this, is that I remember how it feels (bad) when I decided to take this route to release.

    The goal for these scheduled MO sessions is to release to feelings of self-love and healthy sexual behavior - not to exploit edging.

    Next MO session will be healthier. I will not ruin it like I did today.

    Other than that, I'm feeling good. Enjoying life. The scheduling of MO definitely is a good idea.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Why is it exactly that you felt it was compulsively? Was it because the edging was for a very long time, or was it because you used porn-like fantasies? It may be more healthy to take your time for it and enjoy it, than to quickly rush to orgasm.

    One of the most important aspects of overcoming our addiction is to overcome our shame an guilt associated to our sexual self and the addiction. Try to do this whole thing with a lot of love and respect for yourself.
  20. Truself

    Truself Member

    I understand what you're saying and under normal circumstances I would agree with you. However, last night I didn't just edge. I don't really want to go into it because I don't want to trigger anyone. (How do you write hidden text on this forum? I could leave the explanation in a hidden text block).

    Regarding today, doing ok. Nothing to really report. I feel proud and happy to be on this journey. Feeling excited with regards to the changes that I've made in my life. Slowly healing this thing.

Share This Page