Stairway to Recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Hello Penis My Old Friend, Feb 21, 2013.

  1. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hey @staythecourse you're journalling in my journal. You're more than welcome but maybe you didn't mean to? ;)
     
    cjm likes this.
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    How much did you invest in cryptocurrencies and why?
     
  3. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Thanks mate. I take a lot of reassurance from your words as someone who has been there. Ten years sober is an outstanding achievement. Now that you're in a second fellowship, do you have to dig deeper with your stepwork?

    B comes back if she's meant to. I'm accepting this. When I pray to my higher power I ask for help in wishing her the best, but I know that there is a lot of pain inside me if I give too much space to my ego. I just want her to be ok, and if she's better without being in a relationship with me then I accept that. I think I've been selfish and using her to fill a gap instead of sharing a life together. Yesterday I caught myself thinking, "Oh well, I'll just get another one and I'll feel ok". That was a bit of a moment of clarity for me: if my relationship with someone I say I love more than anything is so easily replaceable, was I not just using them to make me feel better, as a substitute for acting out? That isn't the attitude to relationships that I want. It's my addiction speaking in my voice.

    Thanks W. That's just what I'm doing: focusing on my healthy, outer circle activities and trying to live well and be sociable.

    To be fair, and from what I know of other addicts' relationships, B was extremely supportive. She really tried to be there for me. All that she asked for was honesty and I was still too fearful to pay her that courtesy. One of the last things she said to me was that I had been great and really been there for her, but that I wouldn't actually let anyone be there for me. She's right. Addiction is a disease of isolation.

    Porn did creep back in. You know, I probably could pinpoint a specific circumstance or emotion that brought it back, but it is best expressed in the language of the 12 steps: my defects of character (isolation, self-centredness, pride, insecurity, jealousy, negativity) were unresolved, so when my relationship wasn't taking care of ALL of my needs (which if I was healthy it wouldn't have to), I went back to what I knew worked. Basically, I went back to P because I'm an addict.
     
  4. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Well to me it sounds you put yourself in a very bad light. You are one of the most successful guys in recovery I know and also very mature. Also your relationship and B herself seem very mature with respect to what you wrote. Hope you find a way to work it out
     
  5. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Not a bad light, just an honest one. I have lots of qualities too but they aren't causing my problems.

    Thanks for the kind words. I hope to be even more successful this time around, and actually recover :)
     
  6. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    200k..figured the only way to do anything in life is take risks
     
  7. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    oh damn it..Im sorry!!!
     
  8. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hi guys, I reset my counter due to an M yesterday morning. I think M is ok, but for me it's a case of "it's not what you do but the way that you do it", and I was forcing it.

    As for P, I haven't looked at any for a week, and haven't even felt like looking at it for the past few days.

    I've actually been praying, and as a belligerent agnostic it is infuriating that strange things have started happening in my life: I've been enjoying the job I hate, getting out of bed on time, and not wanting to eat unhealthy food. Just a few weeks ago I was scoffing at the buses with "Have you tried praying?" on the side.
     
    cjm likes this.
  9. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Ego deflation is the best. I even chase it some days.
     
  10. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Yeah man. It's amazing that you immediately got what I was talking about there. Have you ever listened to stuff by Bob D on YouTube? He has been making so much sense to me this past week.
     
  11. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Another day no PMO. I've been working a lot, which is good, because I want to make the money now. I know July and August are actually a bit slower. I have to grind it out for one more week and I finally relax. I get nervous about business slowing down. Onthe downside, I only workout once a week now, have a weak diet and am gaining 5lbs a month. In July and August I need to lose 12lbs. Such is life, whenever Im really working hard the diet and self care goes out the door.

    I need to remind myself that 80 days ago the only thing in the world I wanted was sobriety. Now as I get closer to 90 days I see myself worrying more about business, making $, less time for meditation, spending too much time on facebook, occassional thoughts of masturbation and wanting a girlfriend. Funny how as we stay sober longer, we get unhealthier in a lot of ways too.

    Stay the course..
     
  12. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Lol journal hijack :)
     
  13. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Aye, make yourself at home @staythecourse :D:D:D
     
    cjm likes this.
  14. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    I was watching a video earlier and the guy said that when you are abstinent, you actually get worse, because the problem is ourselves and not the substance/behaviour. When we're without the crutch we really have to live with ourselves... and we're awful! (or at least our egos are).
     
  15. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Man I am out of it, sorry mate
     
  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    we cant masterbate away the pain and fears we numb. yeah. gotta fill that spiritual hole with good spiritual stuff.
     
  17. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I actually concur with the former (not the we are aweful ;-)) part. When I quit porn and alcohol all the stuff that numbed me and soothed the anxiety and (emotional) stresses were gone, so I am now exposed to those stresses without any remedy and I'm not yet equipped to face them on a mature and healthy level. Add to that the pain of withdrawl, guilt and relapse it doesn't come as a surprise that I feel worse than before sometimes.
     
  18. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. I'm feeling pretty broken today. Last night I saw B. I had been maintaining contact and speaking from the heart, and she invited me to a dance class. e ended up going for dinner, and I told her about the spiritual awakening I am having. It was really nice.

    But then we were talking about us and she is so hurt that she feels we are now on different paths. She feels hurt that I relied on her too heavily for my own happiness, and it makes her feel used. It's frustrating because I am finally on the right path, I know I am, but it is just too late for our relationship. I am having a bitter lesson in acceptance.

    In any case, I have no choice to recover, and the miracle is that I have had no desire to act out in any way.

    I am going to an SAA recovery day tomorrow, and I have to say I have drunk the Kool Aid. I will do literally anything to be free of the addictive behaviours I use to soothe my broken ego, even honesty, belief in a higher power, and a personality change. I need to become a different me, as the one I've been for the past 35 years can't manage.

    I actually feel very hopeful, just incredibly sad, sorry, and broken at the same time.
     
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Im very sorry about B. I have had incredible pain with women. When it comes to recovery, its an amazingly good and pure way of life. I think believing in a Higher Power is tough for a lot of people, so just let it happen.
     
  20. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Thanks mate. If I am honest, this past couple of weeks I have been feeling like recovery is my favourite hobby. At the moment I am displaying a willingness to believe in a Higher Power, which is all it takes. I currently conceive of God as balance, so when I pray to do my Higher power's will, i'm really just focusing on behaving in a balanced way. It's enough for me for now.
     
    TheScriabin likes this.

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