Sorting myself out

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Deleted User, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Thanks Lakaf - good to focus on the positives
  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    8 days this time, following a similar pattern. I think I'm going to start a new thread soon to try to give this thing a fresh start.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Same again really, I lasted 12 days, then the urge became too strong. "Just" 10 mins but enough to blow my streak. I keep going round in these circles at the moment; it could be better and it could be worse. I really noticed the addiction side of it last night; the urge, not feeling mentally comfortable without indulging in P. I really do have a problem with this. Being free from it would mean, I think, feeling freer and happier in general, without this addictive urge always in the background.

    The hard part is overcoming a strong urge when it hits, to remind myself that it will pass. I actually do manage this a lot of the time, but clearly not always which is why I am here and have this problem.
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Finding this really hard at the moment, harder than it's been for the few months.

    It's very tempting to go there all the time. It's hard to say why this is more difficult than before. My relapsing has been following the same kind of pattern for months, usually lasting a couple of weeks, then a brief single relapse (usually a single session of say 15-30 mins). Recently, this hasn't really changed, so I've viewed P just once for 15-20 mins in the last 15 days, but the addiction feels very strong.

    I'm feeling strangely stressed and depressed at the moment, much worse than I have been for anytime in the last 6 months, or probably most of the time before that. I don't know if the whole Covid situation and not getting as much variety of human contact, each weekday being the same, has something to do with it. Feeling less than solid mentally; will try to keep doing the right kind of things and look for improvement...
  5. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey man. Keep on keeping on. Try to isolate your day into chunks and manage each problem one step at a time!
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Managed 28 days (4 weeks), before mini-relapse last night. Was just a 3-minute blip when I had had a few drinks, but still counts.

    Resetting the counter to zero; trying not to get to worked up about screwing up last night. The counter reading zero is sad, but it doesn't tell the whole picture. I'm in a better place than I was a month ago. Need to keep trying, and keep in mind the questions: "what represents progress at this point in time?"; "what is the state of mind which I want to achieve?". It's nice to feel happier and more relaxed most of the time. I've had glimpses of that at times, and want to head more in that direction.
    Deleted User likes this.
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Resetting the counter is an indication that you don't want to do that again, and if you do that again you will have to reset the counter again. This is a form of accountability. 4 weeks is a great progress. If you can go 4 weeks you can go 8 weeks and beyond. Please keep us updated frequently. There is something powerful when we share our struggle and success with others. Best of luck Man.
  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Proper relapse yesterday, lots of browsing. This often happens a couple of days after a 'mini-relapse' like the one in the last post.

    Today have M'd to try to release some of the tension (not in the habit of doing that, but seemed better than PMO).

    Want to draw a line until this relapse now and work out how to move forwards again. New baseline starting today, building on progress from before and learning from setbacks. Need to find reasons to be positive.

    P is really an evil mind-f***, it shouldn't be legal. It's not about being artistic and it's not about freedom of expression or anything like that, it just degrades real life and real sex, but so hard to resist and so addictive. Need to build a strong, solid mindset, which says that I'm not going to go there and the reasons why not.

    Being porn-free can be described as a choice, but in reality, it needs to be strong philosophy, linked to life values, in order to work. What are my life values? Why is it worth my while to abstain from porn? What does being free from this mean for me, in terms of what kind of person I want to be, how I want to be, how I want to be able to feel? On the other hand, what does it say about me if I give into repeatedly relapsing to P? What would that say about the kind of person I'm allowing myself to slide into becoming?

    Thanks for the encouragement, RainMan. Best wishes for you in your own journey in fighting this. Keep going and keep trying and keep improving.
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Just went 32 days, then relapse this morning

    on the positive side, that's a longer run than I have done recently.. possibly the longest in 2020

    on the other hand, it's shows that P is still one of my go-to methods for handling stress...
  10. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Have been relapsing once every two weeks or so recently. My thoughts on this haven't changed. It's not a good thing in my life and I feel it's partly undermining me somehow as a person. I just haven't been able to make the commitment to give it up for good, so far. I'm not sure, but am thinking of perhaps starting a new thread to give this a fresh shot.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I've just put a porn-blocker on the internet. This is not a complete solution as I need to be able to maintain control of my internet subscription, so I could in theory reverse it. However, what it does do is put porn at arms length which will be a useful tool for me.
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Sorry to say another relapse, 20 mins of browsing last night, no PMO. Was 14 days clean.

    I need to do a lot more work on this whole thing. Need to find something else to do when I am tempted to use, something which is stimulating but not destructive.
  13. warded

    warded New Member

    I find it remarkable that you are so strict with yourself, seeing that even a little peek counts as a relapse for you.

    Personally, I am not resetting my counter after a little peek, since I at least managed not to indulge completely or even fap. Now I am asking myself though, was that only an excuse? If one wants to quit - he has to quit. In this way you are right. It just shouldn't be another mental burden for you when you have to reset your counter.

    Keep fighting!
  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Have had a bit of a wobble after I was doing really well for about a month. Relapsed v. briefly when really quite drunk (I don't usually do this but had a couple too many for once), then this seemed to break my rhythm and I relapsed properly for 20 mins a couple of days ago. Before that, I was feeling quite mentally stable and wasn't thinking about P all the time, now it's much more intense again.

    I deleted my account here, then undeleted it. I think I deleted it out of frustration, because I've been going round in circles for years. Then I undeleted it because it has been holding me to account to a certain extent, and I felt more likely to relapse again if I didn't have the account - the ability to post here and the day counter adding 1 day each time.

    With this addiction, if you give it an inch it will take a yard.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    10 days, then a tiny peak - which I regret, but didn't get anything out of - no vid, no excitement. The fact that I didn't get anything out of it is good - it means I didn't get the dopamine rush, so can continue to heal in that respect as if nothing had gone wrong. I still have to count it as a relapse though, as the fact is I sought out and viewed P - the day counter has to mean something.

    I have a filter on the internet which is proving useful in terms of preventing me from seriously relapsing at times when I would be tempted to. There's a site which I won't name for which the filter doesn't fully work. So the filter is helpful though not perfect; the only true barrier is my own behaviour and choices.

    This thing can feel so hard sometimes, but the fact is that there is always a choice. I was relapsing more badly earlier this month and felt very low, very out-of-control with it, but I pushed hard against it and am in a better place now. There is always a choice no matter how hard it can seem. One thing which can seem difficult is the idea of giving up P forever - forever is difficult to imagine, even though a day or a week can seem manageable. The way I've reasoned it is that, although I can't currently imagine how to give it up forever (how I'll carry on indefinitely without it, being happy, forgetting it, being without risk of relapse), if I keep trying and keep making progress, keep improving my overall sobriety, the more I'll be able to approach a point where I feel, from head to toe, like I'm happy to give it up truly and forever, and know how to do that.

    It's important to remember why we're doing this, and for me that reason is that the rest of life is so much clearer, sharper, better, happier, more satisfying and more meaningful without P. I've felt better the last 10 days or so without it than I did the 10 days before that, more like myself.

    P is perhaps somewhere we go when other things aren't going well. Well, the best form of defence is attack, i.e. the more you focus on everything else in your life - doing things well, enjoying things, being with others... - the easier it is to forget P - then, you're able to focus more on real life, enjoy it more, and so on. Things can just keep getting better and better, if you're brave enough to try and to stick with it.
  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Relapsed this morning, but stopped before PMO. I hate PMO because I hate having the moment of orgasm when I'm alone. If you think back logically, it's easier to avoid this by avoiding P altogether, but the problem with something as addictive and overwhelming as P is that my ability to apply logic and make sensible decisions becomes eroded, not gone altogether, but weakened.

    Finding this whole thing harder than ever. I know that I can have no life while I am constantly addicted to, thinking about P. I feel so much lighter mentally at times when I'm further from it. But at the moment I'm finding it so hard to resist day after day after day.

    I know I have the ability to change, the difficult thing is making a deal with myself, a permanent deal in which I sacrifice P forever. I've never managed to make this deal and keep to it for more than a couple of months so far. I need to think about how I can go about that. If anyone is reading and has any thoughts on this I'd be very grateful if you could share them with me.
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Went 33 days clean after making that last post but relapsed last night - not on a full P site, just some 'soft browsing' for a few mins but still viewed P so it resets the day counter. Also 'soft-browsed' this morning but didn't view any P - it's basically like edging but in terms of browsing - looking for sites that may have some NSFW pics but might not, then stopping altogether.

    Am feeling very on-edge at the moment, hence giving into the soft browsing. Am, however, in a much better place than I was a month ago. Have been going to the gym a lot, relationship with my wife is better, am feeling better in general, but still very on edge a lot of the time just beneath the surface. There is lots of work-related pressure, plus the pressure of resisting P (although the negative results from giving in would be far worse and would make the pressure greater overall), plus the fact that I am still spending a lot of time in one small place (my apartment). On the other hand, exercise helps, getting things done helps, listening to my wife more helps...
    nuclpow likes this.
  18. Sorry you've had that setback, GameChanger, but glad to hear things are improving in other respects. That should make the next round of your fight easier.

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