Soon 3 Years...

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Samuel Sword, Dec 14, 2019.

?

Do you want me to continue my story? I have it all written down in my journal.

  1. Yes

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  2. No

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  3. I don't care

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  1. Samuel Sword

    Samuel Sword New Member

    Hey there fellow recovering addict :)

    I kicked my PMO addiction right in the **** and here is how.

    2017/01/01 Marks the beginning of my journey towards self-improvement and a life that is increasingly happier and more successful by the day. Also freedom from the shackles that are PMO addiction. New years will be that three-year mark for me! Will I make it?

    I have pulled out my journal and will begin to share my story here, as helping others to transform themselves has become a passion of mine. I won't sit here all day and tell my entire story in one go, but if the demand is there I will continue to write sections whenever I have the time.

    I am now a 23-year-old guy living in Sweden, soon three years sober.

    All my life I felt like I did not quite fit in. I did not share the same interest as my peers and I didn't quite get them. Growing up, I was very shy and awkward with low confidence and self-esteem. My biggest dream was to become a magician. I started doing magic when I was 11 years old and I fell in love with it right away. I spent most of my free time practicing and perfecting my card tricks. I didn’t really have much material to learn from so I came up with most of the tricks myself. As a way to cope with my insecurities and social anxiety, magic became the world that I could infuse myself in.

    When I was 12 I could make jaws drop. I started getting some gigs in front of some crowds at big as 200 people. Magic became a way for me to express myself and I based my worth as a human being on my ability to impress people with my tricks. I was praised by everyone, how could such a young kid be so talented? In spite of all the positive reinforcement that I got from my environment, my self-image was so broken that I thought people were just being nice to me. I could not see my unique ability to learn and innovate. By the time I was 13 I had lost all motivation and I quit magic for good. I have not performed a card trick since then but whenever I hold a deck of cards I still feel a shock through my body as the muscle memory has still not completely faded.

    Up until recently, it was a mystery to everyone, and even me, why I threw away something so amazing just like that. Now it is no longer a mystery to me. You see at age 10 a friend has introduced me to the wonders of online porn. I was shocked seeing these explicit clips and I felt very awkward watching it with him. I told him how stupid it was but as soon as I came home I sat down at my computer and went to the porn site that I hade memorized. By the time I was 13 the addiction had already got me in its grips, contaminating my natural reward system, and that is the reason I threw away my dream. Why work hard and risk rejection when you have total safety and all the reward you can ever wish for right here on your computer?

    This marked the beginning of my addiction and as time went on the addiction grew stronger, deeper and darker.

    I have an addictive personality and I have a hard time doing things in moderation. I'm either all in or all out. This can result in amazing achievements when channeled correctly, or horrible habits and lifestyles. Unfortunately, I got the latter as my dark side was too strong. I believe that my pornography addiction was a keystone habit as it weakened me and made me a prime breeding ground for other addictions.

    From that point on I would develop several addictions: sugar, video games, and nicotine. When I was 15 years old I also started to develop a gambling addiction. This one was the most destructive by far. By the time I was 19 and about to go to university, my gambling addiction was so strong that it occupied my entire life. I pretended to study at university, but I just stayed at home and played poker all day every day, financing it with student loans. I was somehow able (still not sure how) to keep this lifestyle up for over a year until my dad finally caught me. I went to rehab and got a job at a restaurant and then kindergarten. Over the next couple of years, I would relapse twice and rack up mountains of debt. I had a lot of debts to credit companies and to my parents. I was working at a kindergarten living paycheck to paycheck. Pretty much the only thing I bought besides paying my bills was food, and still, I was barely able to save anything.

    I was now 20-21 years old and PMO addiction has been the one true constant all throughout my life. A 24-hour cycle was not complete for me until I PMO'd at least once, but usually 2-3 times per day. As with all addictions, escalation is inevitable to keep getting that stimulation that we need. When it comes to porn that escalation usually entails more and more fucked up porn, as the old stuff I used to watch does not even provide me with a tingle any more. I knew that some of the stuff I was watching and ejaculating to was totally messed up, but somehow it didn't feel real. I never knew what horrifyingly vicious cycle porn addiction creates, so I had never tried to seek help for it or tried to quit it.

    I wish someone would have told me. Warned me. It's no secret that most young guys are exposed to this stuff. Couldn't someone have mentioned it in school? I mean I can't remember being warned about this by anyone, anywhere, ever.

    Sorry that it started out kind of dark. I will keep telling my story, don't worry. I don't have time to keep writing for now. I will hopefully continue tomorrow.

    Stay strong friends,

    Samuel
     
    Mekkeren and Mickeymouse like this.
  2. Mickeymouse

    Mickeymouse Active Member

    Hey Samuel any sleeping issues?
     

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