Softly Softly Catchee Monkey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by 200DaysMission, Jun 13, 2021.

  1. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 28

    Four weeks in.

    Done well with cravings today, it's all been good.
    Actually got a pretty intense boner in public too, to the extent that I was worried someone would notice.
    I was walking along and half-daydreaming about a girl I've arranged to meet up with in a couple of weeks while I'm visiting my fam back home. She's fun, and completely not girlfriend material but we've always had a spark and lots of tension.
    (Definitely not in my head this time either! She used to tell all her friends we were dating)
    I never let anything happen because I was trying to get in with her mate. But I'm more relaxed now and will try and chat her up if she's single. Something physical with someone I'm comfortable with feels really appealing.

    Been speaking to E too still, and trying to find our level in terms of what kind of friendship this is going to be.
    I still get the heartbreak pangs, but she could still become a good mate, and I'm pretty against kicking people out of my life. Even though I may decide to keep some distance between us.

    Hope you're all having hopeful weekends,
    MindPoison likes this.
  2. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 29 TRIGGER WARNING: Masturbation and Social Media

    Still stressed, but I have something nice to write about too, so I'll go for that :)

    For this reboot, I'm avoiding anything I find arousing online.
    So of course pornography, but also models' social media accounts, and friends'/exes public profiles. I'm not even looking at them.

    Whereas before, I'm ashamed to admit it, but for me, probably the most stimulating material on the internet is one of my old flame's social media profiles and the pictures she has there.
    I still love her and I'm very attracted to her, but I've come to love her as a friend, too. We speak fairly regularly, and we've been great supports to each other. We also both really give a damn about each other, and are quite good at expressing that.
    So I felt genuinely conflicted, to value her friendship, but also MO while looking at her photos.
    (Although of course, the guilt was probably also addictive)

    Anyway, I'm pleased to say that over the past month I've only checked her page once (and I logged off straight away without opening any photos), and it's probably been a couple of months since I MO'd.
    And pleasingly, I feel way less guilty about our friendship, and in turn we're getting closer. It's really nice that our friendship feels as though it's moving to a new level, and that the reboot has helped contribute to that already. And today I was able to speak my mind to her about E, and all that's been going on. And it felt so helpful.

    So I still feel guilty about what I've done, but the reboot is helping me forgive myself, and to break that habit. And good things are coming from that.

    There's definitely things worth holding on to, but tomorrow I'll probably be back to being moody and miserable on here again haha.
    Got a while to run still, I think.

    All the best for the new week brothers...
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  3. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 30

    and a third of the way through!
    I think I've typically found the final third the hardest before, but I'll keep on my toes.
    Won't write much today, mega tired from the football.
    It would have been nice to win, but I'm not massively bothered that we lost, so feeling chill about things.

    And each day brings me a day further from the headfuck that was last week, lol.
    Hope you've all had nice starts,
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  4. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 31

    And another day.

    Tomorrow I get to chill, and potter around, and cook some nice food, and have a long morning in bed. It's been a while coming.
    Also need to shave my ass haha
    and my beard

    V ready for it!

    Hope your weeks are going well :)
    MindPoison likes this.
  5. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 32

    Had a lovely day today so far.
    Made a beautiful brunch, and had a a perfectly-timed nap too. I have so little on my to-do list today for the first time in a long time, feels nice.
    And I've been having little day dreams about all the girls from home I'll get to see when I go back to visit next week, too.

    Actually came closer to relapsing than I have at any other time on this reboot, but it was still a long way off.
    I was just watching some YouTube videos that had some mildly-erotic written material, and I started to see a slippery slope ahead of me. But I just packed it in once I became conscious of this.
    The temptation was definitely there though, and I visualised PMO'ing for the first time this attempt.
    Will keep my guard up.

    I redownloaded Tinder too.
    I feel up for a rebound/something casual and fun, so we'll see what happens. But I'm putting no pressure on myself (and I haven't been using the app much really) so I'm feeling okay about it and pretty sure my intentions are good atm. Though I'll keep a tab on my habits, and make sure it doesn't begin to feel like a substitute for P.

    Hope your weeks are going well.
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  6. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 33


    Next Wednesday is my last day, I can't wait

    There's leaving drinks for a few of us who are moving on, but I think I'll duck out, I've got a house viewing in my new city to get to (approx 2 hours away).
    So my brain is very much gearing up to leave, and dive into a new life.

    The reboot is going fine - speaking to some girls on Tinder and we'll see what happens.
    I'm going to take some new photos though, it definitely feels like I'm getting less attractive matches than before, so I'll freshen up my profile.

    Hope you're all good, and getting some sun wherever you are,
    MindPoison likes this.
  7. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member


    Been all right, the sun's back which is great!
    And everything else has been much the same.

    But the old flame I was reconnecting with has been going even better, and I'll probs get to see her again pretty soon.
    I've got no expectations for anything romantic to happen, but I'm buzzing to hang by her side again.

    And I'm feeling more and more chill about the E situation (mainly because it's getting closer and closer to me moving away).
    We're still chatting heaps (and part of me feels like since I told her I loved her she's trying to pull me a little closer), and I actually got a pretty intense erection while we were messaging.

    I might relapse tonight though...
    I saw some friends last night, and one of them gave me a little nugget of weed that I'll smoke some of tonight.
    I don't buy it any more, and I don't smoke and drink, but I still enjoy having a joint very occasionally.
    And damn, I'll never forget how amazing the O's are - easily the best of my life, and especially after some abstinence.
    So I'm not going to seek it out, but if I get super horny I'll probably relent, and it'll probably be worth it.
    BUT, I won't do it sober, and I'm going to hold myself to that really hard.
    I'm chill with the idea of PMO'ing whenever I'm high, because I know how infrequently I let these moments come by, and I know how much control I have over my drug habits. For me, this reboot was about breaking my sober habits.
    (Even though it sounds like a slippery slope, and I can understand scepticism).

    We will see though, maybe I'll just want to eat lots of junk food, and giggle at cartoons in all the cliched ways.

    Happy weekends, folks
  8. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    How you doing now man?
  9. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member


    Day 11

    I PMO'd while I was high.
    I think four times in total.

    And I wanted to wait a little bit before coming back here, but also I had a trip back home (which was great).

    I'm less stressed out about the E situation, although we're going away for a weekend together which is a bit of a headfuck.
    I'm doing it as a favour, but once that's passed hopefully I'll be able to keep my distance a little easier, which I'm looking forward to.

    Also, while I was at home, I reconnected with an old crush.
    We last saw each other a couple of years ago, and we've kept in touch since - both making an equal amount of effort.
    Then we went for coffee, and a little walk through the nice countryside where we live, and man - I had the best time. I was on form, we were giggling, and chatting so comfortably, and sharing, and just enjoying each other's presence.
    I came back home, and laid on my bed in ecstasy for a few hours. Something I've never felt before.
    I've had good dates - many of them, but this was on another level.
    We're going to be apart for another few months again, but we'll stay in touch like before, and we're also both seemingly riding a bit of a wave of telling each other how much we appreciate one another.

    It was b e a u t i f u l.
    And I feel like we've cemented each other in our respective lives for another few years, and this is the nicest feeling I can imagine.
    I wish I could bottle up this feeling (that I still have three days later), and I wish I could bottle up this version of me that she's able to tap into.
    BUT, having felt these things so recently, gives me so much more cause for hope, that there is this side of me waiting to burst out, and bring with it another shot of the delirium I experienced for the first time.

    I'm going to post here a little less, until I hit where I was before. 35 days I think.
    In the mean time, I'll be taking some down time. I move to my new city in a month, so I'm going to relax while also getting back into a good diet and a productive exercise routine.
    I have a new set of photos to use for Tinder when I move too, so very much lining up my ducks over the next few weeks.
    MindPoison likes this.
  10. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 14

    Still going to roll with the shorter and less regular updates.
    But so far I've been doing well at preserving all this happiness (and confidence) that my trip home gave me. It's been a really great time, and I'm still feeling like the best version of myself.
    I've still been speaking heaps to the two girls I met up with while I was back home, and even though it's all very platonic, it really is the best feeling. I love them both dearly and they love me too.
    And these friendships put me in a better place to start romantic relationships with other people, because they give me a lot of self-worth and make me feel like I have a lot of value.
    I have an exciting date lined up for next week, and I think it will be fun.

    My penis has been very happy too, haha.
    Lots and lots of morning wood, and also the erections that feel as though they bring lots of serotonin with them rather than dopamine. I am probably chatting bollocks (and haven't done any research either lol), but it's the kind of high that makes you go 'ahhhhhh' and soak in the moment, rather than a high that makes me want to chase porn or touch myself.
    It could be the reboot, but I think it's more likely that this is just the least anxious (and most happy) I've felt for years.

    Hope you're all good,
    100 Days
    MindPoison likes this.
  11. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 18

    Same as before - all good, and I would pretty much write the exact same entry if I wanted to talk about the things that feel most important.
    (The date's on Tuesday, and I'm getting EVEN closer with the girl-mates I saw from home - it's great)

    But in terms of new things - I spent the night with my ex (in a platonic way) and had a nice time with some really nice erections too.
    And it's good that I'm at a stage where even though I'm still attracted to her (and her to me), I'm also comfortable not wanting anything from her and I don't think about her that much anymore.

    Also I started writing lists of all the times the people I love have made me feel happy and special and loved.
    It's been fun, and it's already been useful to have this stock of happy memories, and reminders that people care (for when I talk myself into thinking they don't).

    Hope your weekends are going well,
    MindPoison likes this.
  12. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 22

    Just starting to feel the two weeks of euphoria starting to desert me.
    Me and my ex have been spending big chunks of time with each other, which has been fine but I think last night went a bit too far because now I miss her.
    Also, I sent lots of voice messages to one of my closest friends about how I was feeling for the first time, and all the files were corrupted so she can't hear them and I can't hear them back.

    So today has been melancholic.
    But hopefully it'll pass.

    I also had a first date yesterday, and it was okay but super long.
    Since she came from quite far away to meet me I knew it'd be longer than I'd normally go for, but it was 11 hours and that was a bit much.
    I'm glad she obviously had fun, but I get really disappointed when people don't recognise that I'm not really present anymore and I'm just being polite.
    OBVIOUSLY I should tell them, or hint at it, or end things, but also it'd be nice for girls to recognise that they're talking and talking and talking about themselves and although they are really enjoying this it is also a pretty boring experience for the guy haha. Being self-absorbed is so unattractive.
    It happens SO much with the girls I meet online, and it makes online dating feel like such a waste of time, whereas I have girl mates in my life who strike a really good balance and whose company I enjoy massively. (I'm also pretty sure this isn't because it ends up being me talking and talking about myself, lol)

    Anyway, was nice to write this.
    And I hope the next few days will be good again! I'm going to write off today as a disappointment, eat my favourite foods, and start again with a clear head going into tomorrow.

    Good days for the reboot though!
    I'm flooded with random boners, and boners around girls.

  13. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 24

    Doing good again, which I'm proud of.
    Took a lot of decisions to make me happy, and it worked.

    Also hitting ridiculous levels of horniness all the time - it's a nice energy to have and I'm pleased it's building without feeling as though it's pushing me closer to P or MO.
    I expect a wet dream quite soon though, it's normally how things happen for me at this stage.

    As well, I could never quite bring myself to add Instagram onto my block list as I thought it could be quite useful still (even though I don't have an account). But I have steered clear of it for a couple of weeks now, and I took the leap to block it too.
    I think a big help is that I used to really enjoy looking at photos of one of my friends (who I have feelings for too, and it might be mutual but we live a long way away from each other and I wouldn't want to do something long distance). Whereas now we send voice notes to each other every day, and we're closer than we've ever been. Which is a beautiful thing (and something I always wanted), while it also makes me feel less guilty.
    I LOVE it.

    All about friendships for me at the minute, and it's being more fulfilling than I could have imagined
    MindPoison likes this.
  14. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 27

    Pretty close to catching up to where I was before I broke my last streak.
    It's smooth sailing still. I don't think about the reboot often, which makes me hopeful that I'm internalising abstinence in a productive way. Although, I am wary of triggers, and I think it has mainly been easier lately because I've been a lot happier.
    Still, the perfect chance to continue building good habits and laying good foundations.

    In the rest of my life, I'm a bit stressed about some relationship things, but otherwise good! And my support network feels so big at the minute - I have lots of people asking me how I am and being invested in my life. And even better, it's people who's lives I am very invested in too.
    I move to a new city in two weeks, and this is a fun feeling - I'm excited to get to know my new flatmates especially, and to begin exploring an exciting city.
    I need to find work, but it should be quite easy because things are fairly open over here in the UK, and I have a couple of different trades I can fall back on.
    (Also, I've got some part-time work as a lecturer lined up too!! Which has been a dream of mine, and something I'd love to pursue further)

    Hope you're all good.
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  15. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 29
    Nearly back in the thirties!

    Had a bit of a cold lately, but feeling good around that.
    Also eating super healthily, which is nice.

    I feel as though I'm shedding so many layers of anxiety lately, and this is helping me experience much more happiness, and a higher base level of happiness.
    It's also helping me process things that cause me stress, and to do this processing a little quicker than before so that I can get back to being happier quicker too.
    I'm not sure how much of this is to do with the reboot, but I know that it is playing its part. Although I'm also happy taking credit for the other good habits I'm forming.

    I'm going out for dinner with my ex (E) tomorrow.
    I'm not sure whether she wants to get back together or not, but I'm not too interested in finding out and I'm comfortable not feeling too certain of how I feel about her. Just planning to enjoy the evening, and some nice cuddles and intimacy. The physical chemistry is still there, so that'll be fun too!

    Hope you all have good starts to the weekend!
  16. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 33

    After dinner with my ex, we went back to hers and I stayed the night. It was really nice to be so close to her, and we both had a great time. I'm heading around again tomorrow.

    In terms of the reboot/ED, my erections weren't too encouraging. Because I had a lot of them when we were kissing, but they weren't very substantial and they never lasted too long.
    Partly this is to be expected, because I always have some performance anxiety when I start being intimate with someone new. And I was also quite tired and we didn't start making out until 11pm, and stayed up till 3. And I think I might be going through a little bit of a flat line, too.
    However, I'd still like to see some progress here.
    So I think before I head round to hers tomorrow, I'll take half a Cialis.
    I don't think we'll have sex, but it'd be nice to (hopefully) not find myself analysing my erections as much. Which will help with the performance anxiety if things go further another time.

    Hope your weekends have been good!
  17. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 35

    The Cialis helped a lot last night.
    I didn't need it because E wants to take things slow, but even just kissing/looking at her I got some really strong erections all night and into the following morning.
    So it's nice to know that I'll be cool to take things further if I take half a pill.
    The only downside will be my sensitivity, which is v high because of the reboot. I have some Priligy too, but I'm wary about double-stacking - has anyone tried? If not, I'll probably use the Cialis until my performance anxiety subsides, and then switch onto the Priligy.

    But tomorrow will be a good experiment too, because E is staying over at mine and I'm out of Cialis for the time being. Instead I have some generic 10mg Tadalafil (which is weaker than my Cialis. So I'll pop half of one of these and keep monitoring my erections. If 5mg sorts me out for 24 hours, then that'd be very promising.
  18. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 40

    Didn't take Tadalafil in the end, or take anything. Erections were fine though.
    I think me and E are going to leave things as just friends, because I'm moving to a new city on Wednesday.
    That's fine with me as I don't think she'd make me happy doing long-distance/long-distance doesn't feel right for me atm/I'm pretty sure it's not what she wants either.

    Feeling really low though, and very lost. My mood has deteriorated quite a lot over the past few days.
    The happiness I felt for nearly a month has completely evaporated, and it feels so far away.
    I'm not sure why, but I hope to get my mood back to neutral as soon as possible, that seems like a reasonable goal.
    I will speak to some friends though, as I know that helps. And I'm taking a trip to see some others tonight.

    The reboot is going okay still though, despite how much of a rollercoaster it's been.
    But my cravings are very low, and my ED seems to be improving.
    I'm actually thinking a lot about PMO at the minute, since I have a low mood. But it's encouraging because I have no desire for pornography - I'm just craving some self-sabotage, and some signal that says 'fuck this/fuck everything'. So choosing porn, and taking those steps feels fairly easy to avoid.
    But I'm sure I'll get my release some other way, and hopefully I'll keep things as healthy as possible. And talk to lots of friends, have a nap, and do some more fun things first.
    -Luke- likes this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    For one thing, mood swings are simply part of life, even without PMO. But if not much else has changed in your life, I would guess it's withdrawal symptoms. It's your brain's way of telling you to go back to PMO. And it's a lie of course.

    Spending time with friends definitely helps! Hang in there and things will get better again.
    200DaysMission likes this.
  20. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks, Luke! Your support means a lot :)
    And that's a good point - these things are definitely common, and inevitable.

    I'm an anxious enough person anyway, but during a reboot some of the (natural) swings push it into unfamiliar territory. Although it's definitely worth it for the highs, and the times when that anxiety dissipates, and leaves room for bliss.
    I actually bailed on my plans with my friends in the end, and just sat in my bedroom instead letting my heart beat more steadily again. But it felt like a good decision and I slept really well, on reflection it's been a very busy few days and the thought of another night sofa-surfing/day-tripping felt so unappealing. I'll call a couple of the people I missed tonight, instead.
    And today I'll turn my phone off until the evening - it'll be nice and guilt-free too bcos most people think I'm away.

    This is helpful
    Will start daily journalling again for a while I think
    -Luke- likes this.

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