Softly Softly Catchee Monkey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by 200DaysMission, Jun 13, 2021.

  1. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Well well well, it's been nearly 3 years since I posted here!
    It feels like longer...
    and difficult to know how to start.
    It's bittersweet, and a little confusing, that most of my old friends here are no longer posting.

    For my story (and an explanation of my absence), maybe I'll start with some relative success:

    In terms of PMO, I've been pretty happy with the past three years.
    I'm sure I haven't topped 100 in any calendar year (although I haven't been counting), and now a binge is 2 in a night, or 3 in a weekend, and that is it. And I have regular streaks of nothing at all.
    This is massive progress for me, and my relationship with P has definitely moved to a different place. And this paragraph is the good side of that!

    But the bad side, and my reason for coming back here...
    Damn, lately (maybe the previous 6 months), I have been watching P habitually.
    There's one site, which I won't mention the name of. But it has enough new posts, and new content, to keep on top of each day in a manageable sort of way.
    I check it like I check the news, lol.
    5 minutes spent on it before I get up after my alarm in the mornings, and another check-in on an evening. (without ever touching myself)
    And I'm beginning to develop a similar relationship with a couple of Reddit threads.

    And, you know what, I realised - fuck this. It's affecting my libido, and my charm, and it's making me lazy.
    And I can do without this habit, but I know I need to build a life without it.
    So currently reinstalling a content filter, and my counter here, and will aim to do some regular journalling, too.

    And here goes:)

    Also, a little side quest:
    I really want to challenge myself, and ask out some girls in real life, without being their friend first.
    Because I'm quite successful with online dating, but I'm also really tired of it.
    So I would like to develop the confidence to ask girls for their number, when I feel that spark, and I spot their interest.
    (Rather than being a PUA on a street corner, which I still think is not for me)
    And so the next time I find myself in these kinds of situations (which happen regularly enough), I'm going to push myself to make a move. What's the worst that could happen, right.

    I'll post about my life, and relationships, and fill in some details about my life now, and other bits and bobs I'm hoping for.

    But for now, just to write this, is a good little feeling.

    (PS It's Coming Home)
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Bueno, Day 2.

    I forgot what a reboot was, honestly.
    Like, the definition of one.

    Anyway, I'm aiming for 90 days of no P and no M.
    But I'm going to try and initiate things with real girls somewhat.

    I got the content filters sorted, one for my phone too!
    And I'm feeling pretty secure in my ability to get through the first couple of weeks.
    I just gotta watch my mood, when it's low is of course the time when I go.

    I don't feel as though I have a pornography addiction (but maybe that is naive).
    I just think I'm not where I want to be, and I lack some confidence/self-worth.
    And PMO'ing, and even just P'ing reinforces all of that. It's unhelpful, so I'm going to try and break that cycle.
    But I feel as though my general outlook/happiness is already on the rise, and has been for the past month. So I'm quitting P because my outlook is improving, rather than quitting P to improve my outlook.
    Although, maybe these nuances don't mean heaps, in reality.
  3. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 3

    All good in the hood, and literally nothing to write about P/PMO, haha.
    But I like journalling, so I'll probably get into the habit of writing quite easily. And if there's something I'd like to write about, I'll have a resource here in which to explore things. Likewise, if/when the reboot starts getting a little trickier.

    Peace (with yourselves, too)
  4. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 4

    A nice day today - I'm going to get a trendy new haircut (for maybe the first time in my life, lol), and do some charity-shop shopping too.
    The weather is gorgeous, too.

    Today I'll also delete my dating apps. At least for the reboot. I get a bit aroused moving through the profiles, so I'd like to cut that out too.
    Also I had a beautiful boner last night, lol. Wasn't particularly aroused mentally, but every time I woke up during the night I had a really enjoyable hard-on that kept doing its thing.
    I know that most of my PIED/ED is psychological/performance anxiety related though. I'm always a bit of a mess sexually when I first sleep with someone, but once I'm comfortable with someone things have always fallen into place. It makes sense that I had some fun erections while I was half-asleep (and less stressed).

    Hope you all have great days.
    Babylonier likes this.
  5. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 5

    I wanted to write a 'lil bit about my profile picture.
    There's something about the image that makes me feel so optimistic. He's looking forward, and ever so slightly up, and he's holding the straps of his rucksack - as if he's got some grit and some determination underneath that hope.
    Of course, it's how I'd like to feel. But also it's how I'd like to present myself to the world.
    And since I chose this picture for my profile image here, it's become the posture I assume when I carry a rucksack too (which is most days).
    And I think that for me, this is the most positive and useful mindset I can adopt, and this little image reminds me of it in all its simplicity, and beauty.

    Tonight, I spent a few beautiful hours sharing wine and conversation with a kinda-ex.
    She was so open, for the first time ever (and she is definitely feeding off the energy I have at the minute). And it made me realise that maybe we have both interpreted what happened between us, and how things ended between us, differently. And this distance between our interpretations may be quite unhelpful for both of us. I think she might think I dumped her, or she might feel that way...which would be so counter-productive and unfair on her.
    Anyway, I will speak to her more about it soon.
    But for the mean time, super nice to know that I'm in a place where I can give someone such a lovely evening, and experience one for myself, too.
    Onwards and upwards for all of us (forever and always, with a bit of luck).

    Babylonier likes this.
  6. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 6

    Had the first urge to PMO today, but it was fairly minor. I just dismissed it from my brain, but things will get harder as I get harder, lol.

    Mainly just feeling giddy about this girl though. We had a 'lil chat (I don't think she thinks I dumped her, which is a good clarity to have), and cleared a few things up, but there's more to do for sure. And parts that will be a bit complicated, and parts that I don't know what to expect. So I'm trying not to have any expectations.
    Will call her E, from here on in, in classic YBR-style (is it still the style?!).

    All the best for the weekend folks,
    Keep fighting the good fight (at least as often as you can).
  7. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 7

    Well, a week down!
    I'm starting to feel horny, and get some urges. Especially, I'm starting to notice the urge to do very softcore things, like re-download Tinder. But I know that these activities would be likely to escalate, so I will try to stay disciplined because I'd really like to do the 90 days (in a hardcore mode).
    But I'm comfortable with checking out girls in the street, and going on dates and things.

    I'm excited to see E next week, and tell her the things that I'm thinking of telling her.
    There's a lot of tension in my body at the minute, and some hope (alongside the feeling of being prepared for my hope to be crushed, lol).

    C'est la vie. I'm just enjoying the time as it passes.
    All good vibes to whoever reads this,

  8. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 8

    Definitely getting more urges to PMO. I think if I ride them out, I'll probably have a wet dream soon. All good with me, though.

    Feeling more tense about E, and seeing her on Friday. But I'll play it cool, and being at work tomorrow (and pretty busy for the rest of the week too) will help.
    Sat/Sun evenings are always a little dull honestly. I try and keep them fairly free because I don't get too much time off work, and I need to rest. But still, it's the lowest part of my week normally.
    But nearly out of it! And I won't PMO/P this evening, of that I'm sure:)
  9. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 9

    Feeling more centred today, and also regularly waking up with morning wood too now, which is nice.
    Also had some really good career news, so feeling pretty good!
    Busy evening though, still need to work out, and could do with an early-ish night as well.

    See you on the other side broskis
  10. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 10

    A ninth of the way through the reboot, it's flown honestly.
    But the cravings and urges are definitely increasing, though it's manageable for now.

    Just mainly getting a lot of anxiety about Friday and seeing E, and having the chat that I know we need to have.
    Pffft, I never know how to approach these things. I just try and be honest and open and it nearly always backfires lol.
    A couple more days to set my stall out, though.
    And the rest of my life is ticking over nicely.

    Peace, brothers
  11. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 11

    I'm experiencing more and more really nice boners.
    They're very satisfying, although it definitely increases the desire to MO (whereas P/PMO desires have been pretty low). After the reboot I'll probably allow myself to schedule a fortnightly MO again, if I'm not getting/anticipating anything physical from any women.

    Nearly onto Friday with E, but I'm more excited than nervous now.
    We had some nice texting last night and today, compared to the previous 2-3 days, where she was a bit distant. I thought it was probably just because she was busy with work, so I played it cool, but there was that nagging doubt that maybe she was pushing me away. It's happened before with her.
    But the last 24 hours have confirmed that that's not the case, and they've confirmed that I was cool to keep my cool.

    Onwards and upwards guys.
    Babylonier, MindPoison and -Luke- like this.
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey man, welcome back on the forum. Good to see you’re doing well, keep us posted.
  13. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Thank you Bilbo, I appreciate it!
  14. MindPoison

    MindPoison Active Member

    Porn certainly has that allure, doesn't it? Somewhere in the back of your mind you wish it were possible to watch it moderated, you try to convince yourself it's possible, but it's all an illusion.
    Oddly, there was another member here who actually used to watch porn moderated by downloading it from torrents, rather than using tube sites to avoid the endless content scrolling, though, to be honest I doubt that would help in the long run, this stuff is better to avoid completely once you're addicted. Haven't seen any new posts from them in ages, I really wonder how that plan is working for him.

    Well done on your reboot so far, you're almost two weeks in. After two weeks is when the real challenge begins. Good luck. :)
    Babylonier likes this.
  15. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Thank you for the support! Mega appreciate it.
    Aye, I'm ready for things to get tricky.

    I agree with the doubts about porn moderation, for sure. And although I hope that I'll be able to MO in moderation again, previously it's always slipped into PMO eventually. So we'll see...
    But yes - gotta reboot first.
    Babylonier likes this.
  16. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 12

    Had a nice day today - busy but very productive and I'm looking forward to crawling into bed in little while. Not had any time to think about P or MO.

    E's coming over tomorrow - going to cook her some dinner, then we'll watch a film. And at some point, I'm going to try and start bridging this conversation about where we think things are heading.
    I'm actually not nervous today, but not excited either. I've probably just exhausted myself emotionally lol (it happens), which is no bad thing because hopefully it'll mean I'm relaxed and well-rested tomorrow.

    All the best for the end of your weeks guys.
    MindPoison and -Luke- like this.
  17. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 13

    Been a good day today so far - work was really relaxed, and E is over in a couple of hours.
    I've been getting dinner together, and it's going well. I used to be a chef for nearly a decade, so it's nice to be able to dust of the old skills occasionally (while also not having to use these skills every day, like I used to).
    Just starting to get a little nervous, but nothing major. Going to do a pump session before she gets here too, which will settle me down if I need it, anyway.

    Hope you all have nice evenings,
  18. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 14

    Two weeks in! I'm ready for some more dramatic fluctuations now - have had less MW and RBs the past few days, so I expect when they return they'll be more intense. And there'll be stronger cravings.

    A really nice evening with E yesterday though, it went well.
    We did lots of hand massages, and a little cuddling/spooning (and I got a lot of guilt-free dopamine), but most importantly I said my bit about how I felt.
    I kept it low-key, and she seemed to respond well to it, and said she loved hearing me out (rather than it freaking her out or overwhelming her, I guess).
    I told her that it felt like we were at the start of something, and that I'd like to stick around and see where things go (rather than moving away in a couple of months, which I have the option to do). She kept pretty quiet in terms of saying things back, but she let me know she still wants me to stay now that she knows a bit about how I feel about her. And I trust her enough to know that she wouldn't say that just to get me to stay so that she can keep her options open.

    Will give her some time and space to let it settle in for the next couple of days though, but if it all still feels pretty relaxed by then I'll feel really happy.
    A really nice start to the weekend.
    Hope yours are all going well too.
    -Luke- likes this.
  19. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 15

    Living the dream with E, really.
    I was anticipating her pushing me away a little bit, after I told her how I felt.
    But I can already feel her pulling me in a little closer now instead.
    And I didn't expect this, but it feels so nice and I can't help but feel hopeful and happy :)

    Also, it makes the reboot, and rewiring, a lot easier.
    It's easier to control urges when those urges are just for one girl. And I know from experience that it's easier to rewire with a girl I care about.

    Still, it could all go pop.
    I'm going to keep giving her space, while making sure that the attention and time I do give to her is high-quality and sincere.

    Hope you're all having nice weekends, or at least some nice moments in your weekends.
    MindPoison likes this.
  20. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Day 16

    All good really. Had a bit of a mood dip today, but I'm sure it'll pass.
    Nothing's really triggered it, maybe just a bad night's sleep and a bad start to my day at work.
    Anyway, tomorrow is a new one.
    And today IS a Monday, after all haha. What can a man do.

    Onwards and upwards from here:)

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