Social anxiety that is here today gone the next

Discussion in 'Social Advice' started by calmwaterrunsdeep, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. calmwaterrunsdeep

    calmwaterrunsdeep New Member

    Hey guys, I've just reached day 50 for the first time in over a year and in ten days I would have broken a personal record. It's been a hard road and a learning experience. One of the most troubling trials I have been facing has been a fleeting sense of confidence. By this I mean one day I am confident and outgoing and the next I am whimpish and overwhelmed. I am a natural introvert with a lot of negative experiences having to do with trust and expectations of how I should be treated. My question is, will this sense of overwhelming anxiety alleviate with time and distance from porn? Or is it a problem I just have to work on and chip away at? If that is the case will I ever be a social Dynamo given my circumstances? Feedback is. Eagerly welcomed ladies and gents.
  2. calmwaterrunsdeep

    calmwaterrunsdeep New Member

    Day 52 update. Still in flatline, been that way since around day 15. SO doesn't seem to understand even though I explained my situation to her. She claims to be understanding over the whole matter and my reboot but she fails to get educated on it even though I have given her all the sources she needs to do so. It always comes back to her thinking I'm not attracted to her. Which leads to arguments. Also she demands sex when I'm not in the mood. I hate pushing rope but again, if I don't then it's an argument. I could use some advice on this, she supports me in many aspects of my life but she honestly doesn't fully understand what I am trying to accomplish here. On a positive note, I began doing no MO today now that I have steady footing with my no PMO. And as a bonus this morning I had a lucid dream, that's a first and I loved it, it was like being some sort of God in my dreams.
  3. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Calmwaters,

    I've found that in my own life rebooting helped give me more confidence and feel more comfortable in social situations, but it wasn't a magic pill that "fixed" everything. Like you, I am an introvert. And I didn't have an opportunity to integrate socially in my youth, so I am a bit socially underdeveloped. Quitting porn didn't suddenly change all that for me. I am still having to put in the work I never put in to develop social skills. So yes, I would say this is a problem you have to keep working on outside of rebooting, but rebooting will definitely give you the motivation and confidence to do it.
    calmwaterrunsdeep likes this.
  4. calmwaterrunsdeep

    calmwaterrunsdeep New Member

    Day 60, things seem to be looking up. The bad days are becoming less frequent and when they do hit they arent as powerful. I still do have mood swings but again they are becoming less frequent and less powerful. I am coming out of my shell as well. Talking to strangers is becoming easier by the day and there isnt any fear involved with it. Talking to girls is also becoming a natural occurence for me as well. I am still very much in flatline though, it doesnt bother me. If it took our friend Gabe Deem 9 months before he got his wood back then I can wait just as long if not longer. Ive been gaining more and more consistent energy as well and I am less obsessed with my looks. Which is a relief because I would scrutinize every little detail about my self when I was doing PMO every day. Guys I am a bad case that spent 15 of my 27 years on this planet engaging in PMO and other risky behaviors. If 2 months can make me feel this great imagine how its going to be for you. Im not nearly out of the woods yet though, I am still building social skills and its very much trial and error when it comes to personal relationships (but its getting easier) and I still do get the dreams every now and again in which I am watching or downloading porn. Its a good sign that my brain still deeply craves its old go to habit. But its not discouraging its expected.
  5. calmwaterrunsdeep

    calmwaterrunsdeep New Member

    So I've been in a foul mood since day 61. A lot of it is circumstance. Things like roommate issues, injury and illness. Things are very stressful at home. First off, my gf and I found out our roommate that has the houses lease in her name has been steeling my gf's meds. It's put our living situation at risk in a time when money is tight. Long story short we decided to move out in the next couple of months. But my gf has already called our roommate out for stealing so things are tense ATM. Also, I got into a bar fight Friday night and found out yesterday that my hand is broken as a result. Long story short someone I had disagreements with tried following me out to my car and I made him regret the decision. But I'm now stuck wearing a splint for the next two to three weeks. Because of the stress my mood has been apathetic and even the small urges have seemed a little harder. Still no libido and still no wood. Times are tough but I am committed.At the same time though, even with a girl in my bed at night, in a small way I am missing porn. Not proud to admit that but it feels there's a small part of me that misses being a complete piece of shit with no expectations in life other than wanting to deplete my energy fapping to that nonsense. There's a larger part of me that wants to struggle on and shine though. Anyone else get like this now and again? I'm watching myself, ik I am weak ATM and that's when ik I must be strong.
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2017
  6. calmwaterrunsdeep

    calmwaterrunsdeep New Member

    I believe I have fallen into a deep depression. It's either me or it's the reboot. Either way I'm feeling very low, very cold to the world around me. I feel as if I have been viewing the world through a sheet of ice. Some people at work have commented that I seem very out of it lately. I feel out of it. I eat and get plenty of sleep but none of it seems to give me energy. Some days I just want to crawl into a wall curl up and sleep for a hundred years. I have so much on my plate and so much I want to do for myself but so little means of making it all happen that I feel I am stuck in my own personal prison. Will some one give me words of encouragement? Let me know I'm not here alone making a futile effort.
  7. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Administrator Staff Member

    Hi calmwaters.

    Sorry to hear about the depression. I know what that feels like. To feel so utterly cut off from everyone and everything. So feel so empty inside you just want to lay in bed all day and stare at the ceiling.

    I don't have much advice on how to get out of such states of deep depression. I do know, however, that they are temporary, and that you will come out of them. Give it some time. Recognize that these feeling are temporary.

    In the meantime I've always found being in nature a very effective antidote to depression. Depression is so ego-centric. I don't mean that in a judgemental way... I mean that when you are depressed you are entirely consumed by yourself, like you would be consumed with a broken leg or a frostbitten finger. This creates a reinforcing feedback loop... your depressive thoughts keeping turning back on themselves and repeating themselves and because you can't get out of yourself you are caught in this continuing reoccurring state of depression. This is why I find being in nature so helpful when I am in such states. It reminds me that there is an entire world outside me, outside my reference. My own concerns, terribly important as they may seem, may not be so important. There is life outside my life. Happy life. Joyful life. Twittering birds. Squirrels collecting acorns for the winter. This reminds me that joy is still out there. That there is a way to be happy in this life. That my depression is an aberrant feeling. And that realization helps to soften the sharp edges of the depression.

    Hope this helps. I'll be sending good thoughts to you. Please keep us updated. Please remember that these feelings aren't you, and that they won't last.
    calmwaterrunsdeep likes this.
  8. calmwaterrunsdeep

    calmwaterrunsdeep New Member

    Thanks matthew your words helped. Im glad to say Ive pulled myself out of my most recent depression pit. I will post about it later when. I have the time.
  9. calmwaterrunsdeep

    calmwaterrunsdeep New Member

    So I got a break from work the past couple of days and I used most of it to pretty much rest and energize. Im not ashamed to say I enjoyed it. I have a broken hand, 70 plus porn free days, and a lot of anxiety. So I think I deserve it. Flatline is very much still in effect. I feel Asexual tbh. But, I have been giving into M urges. During my days off I M'ed twice. I fantasized to real life experiences but Im afraid the triggers were fantasy related. Im taking my No M seriously more than ever though. Before two days ago my streak was 28 days no M. I told the SO once I hit 30 days no M then I plan on going 60 to 90 days No O. She doesnt like the idea but she can get on board with it or hit the road. Im here to fix this problem not patch it up a bit.I know this isnt the hardmode most guys talk about but this is difficult enough. After coming back from the last pit of depression I have been feeling a lot less anxious. Almost normal but still not quite there. Ive been smoking marijuana lately and Im suspicious it might have had an affect on my mood lately so I am done doing drugs and drinking at least until I have over come my PIED.
  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I can relate with many of your posts calmwater, especially the desire to want to go back to how it was. This bit:

    Not proud to admit that but it feels there's a small part of me that misses being a complete piece of shit with no expectations in life other than wanting to deplete my energy fapping to that nonsense. There's a larger part of me that wants to struggle on and shine though.

    This is why I have Janus as my profile pic. He represents the duality within all of us, as he looks both forwards and back. The forces pulling as back can be very strong, and we have to be gentle and patient with that part of us, the part that resists change (and often has good reason to). But we have to look forward as much as possible.

    Regarding the coming and going, fleeting sense of confidence... since this is so normal for most people it's difficult to tell whether it's connected to abstaining from porn or not. What generally happens when we change a behaviour and start to do things differently is, though the initial stages may feel positive and surprisingly good, this will also create more challenging situations, dynamics (and often crisis) at the same time, ie, all the things that we have wanted to avoid in the past. So it is not so much that your confidence may be fleeting, but that life is unpredictable by nature and sometimes it throws a curve ball at us. It can be difficult believing the new things that are happening to us are positive, since it feels so strange and new, so sometimes before we know it we've self-sabotaged again by balking when things feel too risky.

    The abstainance is good for motivating you to face such new experiences, but it will not 'cure' your anxiety, that comes from you and your determination and acceptance, courage and insight. Also, if you are introverted by nature, as you say you are, then you have to understand what is natural and what is down to inhibition, as I have a guess you are probably lot more outgoing than your realise, as your past fears and anxieties will have distorted your self-image over the years.
    BlackAngel90 likes this.
  11. freeman35

    freeman35 Active Member

    The thing with social anxiety is not to get rid of it, but to be in a position where if you do feel it you are feeling it for good reasons. Neurologically healthy people feel social anxiety when they are in the company of people that they don't trust, either because they have just met them or because their instincts are telling them there might be something up with this person/people.

    It's important to treat chronic social anxiety, but not what I call 'appropriate' social anxiety, which it is pretty important that you never lose the ability to feel.

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