So I guess ill do my journaling here..

Day 17. Every day that passes I feel more strongly that I’m on the brink of something massive. I really don’t know what it is exactly, I mean I have my goals and aspirations but I just feel like a big surprise is around the corner. Just a weird gut feeling.

Yesterday was fucking awesome. Nothing unusual even happened but i was just beaming with joy all night. I finished up “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and saw that I had a new credit on Audible to download a new audiobook. I chose “The Power of Now” by Eckart Tolle and wasn’t sure if I made the right choice. With so many books available it’s hard sometimes to pick the right one when you only have 1 credit at a time, but 5 minutes into it I knew I made the right choice. This book is absolutely groundbreaking and I can see why it gets so much praise.

He talks about thought, and how it is a tool to be used only when appropriate, but that so many of us become the tool and become addicted to thinking which brings us misery and confusion. I’ve been practicing mindfulness for about a year and a half though I haven’t been taking it as seriously as I wish I would have. The way Tolle lays it out so simply makes the human condition so easy to grasp and understand. He talks about the pain body and how it lashes out and attacks when triggered and that so many people identify with it and become it which feeds and empowers it. Makes it stronger. When triggered, the pain body just attacks, most of the time attacking the host. It’s the essence of self sabotage. I’ve seen this play out in my life many times, though I was unconscious to it. This is where my tendency to self pity and fish for validation came from. I had these experiences of rejection and ostracization during my school years and identified with the energy that those experiences promoted within me. I became that insecure self pitying pathetic person and unconsciously identified with it even though it consistently drove people away from me. I think I’m gonna read this book like 20 more times just so I can understand it better. It’s that powerful.

Anyway, the nut hold is going well. I keep dreaming about relapsing though, no wet dreams yet but when I’m sleeping I keep imagining myself nutting to porn and sitting there like “shit, day 0. wtf how did this happen” then I wake up and I’m like fuck yeah day 17 . So excited to get to a month, I’m so close.

Be well everyone.

 

Dude, I'm into that idea for the videos. Go for it!

Excising the fantasies from the brain is where I am right now. I don't think my rebooting/rewiring will really be fully immersed until I can get the memory of various scenes out of my brain. And some will be harder than others, as I enjoyed them a great deal. I think the dreams about relapsing are akin to those "in front of the school in your underwear" dreams, or perhaps "work dreams" where you are basically unable to cope with a ridiculous scenario your brain presents you. You know it's not really true, but it feels real when in the dream. Inception style.

Wish I could incept my brain to just be in the better place already...

 

Day 23. I’ve reached a point where I’m striving to remain in a state of mindfulness throughout the day rather than just 15 minutes with my eyes closed, though I am still doing that. “The Power of Now” is having a very deep effect on me. I’ve realized that every event in my life has been pointing me in the direction of becoming more conscious. Last night I listened to a documentary about the Buddha. It talked about how he was born into nobility, completely sheltered from all the harsh realities of life. Things like old age, disease, death, violence, these things were completely unknown to him. Up until 29 years of age, he lived a life of absolute sensory indulgence. Delicious food, beautiful women, any kind of luxury you can imagine. Until he finally went outside, and saw with his own eyes the miseries that he was sheltered from.

I can relate to this, in a way. Of course, it wasn’t nearly as dramatic. I lived a life of pure pleasure seeking up until about 2 years ago when the mediocrity became too much to ignore. And it was only less than a month ago that I put my foot down and said no to porn. Since then, I’ve been teaching my brain that delayed gratification is the way to go.

I actually fucked up today. No, I didn’t relapse (day 23 btw)I woke up to yet another dream of a relapse as well as a dream of a pattern that has been playing itself out throughout my life: being rejected, being ignored, not being heard. Remembering this dream got me very frustrated. Why are my dreams always like this? Why does this stupid belief that people don’t like me still exist? I know that the belief isn’t true, there’s many people in my life that value me, yet I still believe at the subconscious level that I’m a reject. Isn’t it enough to know the belief isn’t true to get rid of it? Apparently not. I watched some videos from “Quazi Johir” on Youtube about the missing link to make affirmations work and remove limiting beliefs and decided to make a list of very simple, reachable affirmations. From now on my goal is to not only read out these affirmations before bed and upon waking up, but to “confirm” these statements as my new truths by noticing proof throughout my day/night and making note of them before I go to sleep. I must consciously brainwash myself so the ghosts of the pasts don’t continue to haunt me.

Anyway, besides that I was a bit of a slug today. I ate nothing but trash food throughout the evening/night. Called off work, got myself a pizza, a large, and ate the whole pie minus 2 slices, which went to my sister. Also crumb cake and cannoli dip. Absolutely nothing remotely healthy went into my body today. I’m sorry, me. We’ll do better tomorrow, I promise. At least I finally got this entry in. Time to go sweat a bit. Later.

 

I'm also trying to do that more. The great thing about mindfulness is you can practice it almost everywhere and at any moment, while brushing teeth, exercising, going for a walk etc. It doesn't have to be a formal meditation session (although I think that's important).

I haven't read "The Power of Now" but I read "The Happiness Trap" recently and it also points to being aware of the present moment and being mindful.

 

Day 0. Yup, it happened. Today would have been day 28, just shy of 30 days. The pressure was just too much. All that build up, all that pent up energy, and nothing to to channel it into. Meditation and exercise can only do so much. Being at home with all this build up has been driving me fucking insane and I finally cracked. I flirted with the idea of rubbing one out just to relieve myself a bit, and after doing some googling about the effects of a relapse I just said fuck it. Really wanted to hit day 90 but maybe that was too high of a goal. I’m still proud of myself for saying no in so many situations where it would have been easy to give in. So many times I refused when the temptation was at its peak, but man I feel bad for breaking this promise to myself.

I actually pmo’d a second time a little while ago. This has made clear to me that while I have come a long way in terms of discipline, the addict is still inside me. I have to completely restructure my life, or these patterns will keep replaying themselves. Right now I can only do so much, but once the social distancing gets lifted I’m gonna start going to the gym to really channel that sexual energy into sculpting my body, meeting new people and finding a partner even. I also ordered myself a laptop to edit videos on, so that will be a good outlet while I’m at home quarantining.

Seriously considering switching to the day shift at work, because these back to back graveyard shifts are really fucking me up. I want to optimize my sleep, which is impossible when I work from 9 at night to 6 in the morning 5 days of the week. No human was meant to go to sleep at 7 in the damn morning, I dont care who you are. This will also give me an opportunity to improve my social skills and get better with people, which has been one of my main goals for a while now. Another perk is that it will be less time consuming, since I’m still part time on paper. Being on the freight team you get at least 40 hours a week even if you’re part time, which may be a good thing if you really need money, but time is infinitely more valuable than money, and I’m blessed enough to be in a position where I don’t have bills or car insurance to pay. I can use that time to really optimize my life in all of the areas, health, wealth, career, and relationships. Hopefully this pandemic peters out soon so I can start tackling that relationships area and eliminate this ever present loneliness that makes this nofap thing so difficult. Just gotta ride it out, and do what I can.

Anyway, I have a headache, probably from the stress that the relapse has put on my brain. I’m sorry, me. I love you and we will do better tomorrow. Time to wash up and go to sleep. Much love everyone.

 

Hey dude. It's gonna be okay. So you reset the clock, but you're not resetting your progress. 28 days is awesome, and now you know you can get that far. Next goal is to get that extra 2-3 days and have the full month. Then push a little further. and a little further still. It's like 2 steps forward and one step back. Progress is progress no matter how you slice it.

Get back on the good grind, tweak what needs tweaking in your schedule from what you've been learning and start grooving again.

Quarantine sucks. that's for sure. I think switching up to the day shift will be good for you too. helps with "normalizing" your schedule.