So I guess ill do my journaling here..

Day 4 of my SR streak. So far so good, there were a few times in the past few days that I got a little ravenous and caught myself playing with my dong but every time a porn scene starts up in my mind i swat that shit away.

I’ve been kinda half assedly trying to improve myself for the past 2 years, tried a nofap a couple times one of which lasted about a month but the day i relapsed i just fucking binged out and fell off my horse for a while. Its just so rough not being able to rub one out when you live a life where the only kind of intimacy available is digital intimacy. I knew that addiction to digital intimacy was a factor in my lack of actual intimacy, but i thought the main culprit was my genes and my upbringing for so many years.

I recently started reading the articles linked on this site about concepts like supernormal stimuli, hypofrontality, ect and it really clicked. When i was beating my meat 2 times a day i was using up all of my creative energy and thats why i felt so offbeat, so demotivated, so negative. Like there was something missing. Even when i was trying to put a positive frame on everything, love myself unconditionally and all of that, i found that no matter what i hated myself in the background. And when i would fuck up, embarrass myself, turn somebody off, fall flat on my face, that would reinforce it.

But now i realize that there WAS something missing! That primal drive! That biological urge to create and survive! That power that i was flushing down the toilet every fucking day of my life since i was a preteen. It all makes sense now. I CAN be smart, creative, self loving and accepting! All i need to do is not indulge myself in these unnaturally stimulating activities. As long as i abstain from porn, the fog that i have been lost in for as long as i can remember will clear.

The rewiring is happening as im typing this. Im so excited to see what my life will look like in 5 years. Im committed to riding this out for as long as it takes, no matter the difficulty. I will try to update every day of my journey from now on. Thanks for reading this, whoever you are, and best of luck to ya! Feel free to message my lonely ass, i need friends lmao.

 

Alright day 7 i guess? Gotta say, this streak is going pretty damn well so far. Every day ive been feeling good, present, appreciating just being alive for the most part. Haven’t been craving too much either. Ive also been finding myself feeling more confident and sure of myself, though i still have difficulty exchanging passing glances with this day shift girl that ive fancied for a while. Idk why but i look at her for a millisecond then i feel compelled to look away.

I wonder how long i should just hold my nut before i pursue relationships. Even though I feel good about my life right now, something is missing, and i know that something is intimacy. Im not craving p, but man would i love to have somebody to cuddle with, vibe with, somebody to kiss. Drives me fucking mad sometimes. Just want some warmth yknow? Some pheromones, some lady smells lol. I was talking to this cute girl on the met team last night at work, and I was on fire. I had her laughing like crazy, and i wasnt even trying. Was a nice little boost. She still avoids eye contact as were passing each other though, not sure how to interpret that. Not trying to overthink anything.

But ey ive got faith that if i hold my nut long enough, attracting a mate wont be too difficult. Just gotta stay on my horse, tend to myself, and focus on what fulfills and grows me. Build it and they will come, as they say. Im in this for the long haul. Like ive said many times, this isnt about giving up porn or getting laid. Its about becoming a more disciplined and value giving man. Even if i dont have sex for another year, this is worth it. If holding my nut is the way to get the most out of life, then hold my nut i shall.

 

good entry brother. I think you've got the right mindset. NO idea how long to hold off either. I think that depends entirely on you and your comfort. But seems like you've got some good vibes around with some ladies. Hold onto those feelings, they wont let you down. she could be nervous cuz she likes you too. That intimacy can be hard to find and a lot of men actually crave it but we're too... "manly" to admit it?

 

Thanks battlesword1, my current goal is 90 days retention and i dont plan on going out of my way to find a mate until then. Ill let the chips fall where they may though. As long as i can clear the black fog from my life thats the only motivation i need

 

Day 8. Ive been learning more and more about semen retention as a lifestyle. Found a guy on youtube with a channel called “The Way Within” and he has a video about the stages of “nofap” which i highly recommend. Throughout my life i had no idea just how precious my semen was. To think for all of those years ive been just pumping out my essence for pixels. No wonder i felt so empty and miserable.

I used to look at like “ive gotta get this shit out of me” and now its like “ive gotta keep this shit in me” . I used to feel like it was a demon that had to be exorcised from inside me now i see it as a precious resource that ive gotta hold on to. If ya think about it, we were all semen once. Its the essence of humanity, and if you make a habit of wasting it, your life suffers. Even after i rewire to real women, im gonna have to be very choosy on who i give my seed to.

Anyway, the streak is going well. I havent had any urges for the most part, which is kinda weird but im gonna have to be ready for that withdrawal when it rears its ugly head. I have no plans on relapsing, but nobody ever does and it happens to the best of em so ive gotta be vigilant. But one thing is certain, ill never binge. How could i, when i know what i know? Not a chance. Will report back tomorrow. Happy nut hoarding everyone

 

Day 9. Enjoying my freedom before i go off to work for the night. Morning (or evening) wood today, suppose thats a good sign. Ive had morning wood on every day of this streak except one, i think day 5? So yeah, going pretty smoothly so far. My weekend is rapidly approaching though, that might present a bit of a challenge. In the past, i would hold my nut all week until the weekend when i would just binge the fuck out. Not an option this time, the nut holding continues. I dont really have anything else to add. But ey, 9 days lets goooo!

 

Day 10. Been home from work since 6am, about noon now. I’d normally be asleep but I’m off for the next two nights so I’m chillin. My dicks whining but he’ll get through it. Before i started this streak i would hold my nut all week until I’d get my off nights then I’d binge binge binge. So my monkey brain wants to go in but the executive is in control now so no touchie. Not happening. I really don’t need porn at all, it just doesnt serve me. So even though theres a part of me that wants to release the beast, i have a strong awareness that retaining it is preferable.

I don’t know if im being too cocky but i don’t see a relapse as possible unless i “just do it”. There’s no room for rationalization here. No “just a peek”, no “just this one time”, no “cmon you deserve it”. How could i ignore the fact that p not only effectively neuters me, but fucks with my prefrontal cortex? It’s not only a waste of time, it causes actual fucking brain damage. To hell with that.

Anyway, if i can get through tonight and tomorrow, i can get through 90 days. Just have to flee the temptation. No peeking. If i follow that rule I can’t relapse. Much love and good luck everyone. No peeksies don’t forget

 

Day 11. I really don’t have much to add here. I’ve got nothing but free time and still it hasn’t been difficult to abstain surprisingly. I will say i made a bad call by eating a lot of bad shit after i woke up, some cookies and a gang of tortilla chips which left me feeling like shit and as a result my dancing was sloppy and flat footed which led to an unsatisfying workout. But oh well at least im still holding on to my mythical man serum to give to some lucky lady some day. Tonight will be better. I’m exhausted, time for bed. Later gentlemens.

 

Hey dude, congrats on day 11 (your tracker shows 9 days? I think you can backtrack the date to keep it accurate if you like?)

lol "nut hoarding" that's what ima start calling it! Thanks for the recommendations for the nofap vids. I'm going to make it a pint tomorrow to spend a lot of the day doing more research on this stuff. Knowledge is power, and knowing is half the battle right?

 

Gotta build up that reserve! It’s like a savings account lol. And yeah idk why it says 9 days, i have an app called Manhood and my streak so far is 11 days according the the app so I’m going off of that. Though as far as im concerned tonight was day 12 and i havent relapsed yet sooo 12 days strong fuck yeah.

Strange because I’m pretty sure i copied the date and time i started from the app so not sure why theres a discrepancy there. Oh well. Thanks for checkin in bud good luck with the research!

 

So when i started this streak i downloaded a nofap app called Manhood, a “nofapplication” if you will, and i thought i synchronized the count on here with the app but i guess it didn’t quite work out because the YBR count says 9 days but my actual streak so far is 11 days according to Manhood. But im going with 12 since tonight was my waking period after my last sleep cycle and i havent relapsed yet so day 12 it is.

I got 2 random boners in the evening and late night/early morning and good lord was it hard not to relieve myself. I also woke up with morning wood yesterday evening so hey at least my dick works. Weirdly i havent been feeling great since i got off work.

I dont seem to want to do anything but play video games and watch YouTube videos. I wonder if im going through an emotional flatline because ive been feeling a little off base. Did manage to get some Spanish practice in about an hour ago, the most practice ive gotten all week.

Idk im so bored at this house that i almost want to go back to work. It keeps me busy and i like socializing with my coworkers. But the thing is if im gonna be successful with this nofap thing, im gonna have to change the way i live my life outside of work. I really wanna get a gym membership, because i figure i can sculpt a nice body for myself, make new friends and meet girls, three birds one stone. But this pandemic makes it tricky, not sure if gyms are considered essential. Doubt it. Either way, wasting my time gaming and watching Youtube videos for entertainment isnt a great use of my time. It’d be wise to implement some different activities into my schedule.

Anyway, that’s day/night 12. Back to work tomorrow and looking forward to it. Be well everyone.

 

I feel the emotional flatline. I think its probably normal? Maybe the fringe of depression, and it's just because you've not had those dopamine hit in a while, your brain is rebalancing chemicals and chem residues, as it were.

 

Day 13. Figured id jot out an entry before i go to bed. Ive been listening to an audiobook of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover and I’m realizing more and more how much of a “nice guy” I’ve been throughout my life. According to the book, “nice guys” are afraid of intimacy since they fear being “found out” which i can relate to since I’ve always struggled with self esteem, and always feared that my partner would realize that i was no good and leave me. At the same time they fear isolation and being abandoned, but nevertheless they try to have intimate relationships while being totally incapable of intimacy because of their fear of being seen for who and what they are.

This is why self love and self ownership is so important, since you can never have a meaningful and intimate relationship with anybody while wearing a mask. The book also talks about how “nice guys” have a hard time bonding with other men, due to growing up without a strong male figure. My dad has always been there, but he’s always been passive and distant. This could explain the difficulties ive had throughout my life creating meaningful relationships with other men, i didnt have that template to build off of. Not to blame my dad, but it explains a lot. And my mother spoiled and coddled me, which I appreciated at the time, but didn’t do me any favors in the long run.

This is just a process of learning about myself, the way I’ve developed, and growing from it. I don’t blame my parents, raising children is a hard job and they were showing their love to me in their own way. Im just grateful that my mind is open enough to self examine and change beliefs that dont serve me. I love what I’ve become, and what im becoming. I may have made a lot of mistakes, and I definitely have shortcomings, but im a fuckin awesome guy, and my awesomeness is ever unfolding.

Have a swell day, yall. Off to bed with me.

 

Hey man, I think a lot about being a "god guy" or whatever you want to call it. For a long time I too was worried about how I came across, but to most women (at least the kind I want to be in an actual relationship with) the nice guy works. Being in touch with your emotions works. They also want you to have that strong backbone and passion and stand up for what you believe in. But the best relationships I've had were ones where, when I was with them, I could open up emotionally. I suggest checking out this article: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/01/the-miseducation-of-the-american-boy/603046/

 

Ey don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about genuinely good guys when I say nice guys. The term “nice guy” refers to a man who who goes out of his way to try to please others, especially women, and often doesn’t get what he wants in life, sex, and relationships. A guy who is very agreeable, dishonest and insecure. The term “nice guy” is used to describe guys who often call themselves “nice guys” but are often not nice at all. It’s a great book and i highly recommend it.

 

Day 14. Today was the closest I’ve been to a relapse. After i came home from work yesterday morning i had a hell of a time trying to get to sleep. Went to bed at 7:30 and was still wide awake by noon. My sister and her kids were expected to come by later so i was determined to get enough sleep so that i wouldnt feel like shit when they come. This worked against me.

Insomnia is a huge trigger for me. In the past i would always relieve myself when I couldn’t sleep. It was so fucking difficult not to give in. Scenes were popping up in my head, i was popping boners left and right, and i knew that all i had to do was hop into my recliner and type “p” into the search bar for an hour of ecstasy. Every time this urge comes up, though, I remember why i gave it up in the first place. I remember that porn will never give me the things that i want, and will block me from actual happiness. I made a vow that no matter how bad this gets, i will stick to my guns. Im fucking done breaking promises to myself. Porn will never give me warmth, connection, or love. I can’t live a life of clarity, purpose, and fulfillment if i watch that garbage. Porn is not what I’m craving, no matter what my brain tells me. 3 months without porn is the goal, and i will meet it even if i lose my mind in the process.

Anyway, couldn’t sleep and when i did sleep i had a series of weird and disturbing dreams. I also slept through my alarm and woke up around 6 in the evening. My sister and her kids were here already and i didn’t do my wake up ritual of taking a cold shower, meditating and everything that i normally do to prepare myself for the day so i ended up calling off work and felt pretty off base for the rest of the night. My sister ordered pizza and i ate quite a bit which left me feeling like shit. I did spend some quality time with my nephew though, walked down to 7 eleven with him, bought myself a cold pressed juice and him some nuts. Gave him some health tips since he wants to lose weight. I’d like to spend more time with him, he’s like a little brother to me.

After they left, i watched some “The Office” with my other sister that lives with me. Then when she went upstairs I found myself sitting in my recliner procrastinating on what i needed to do and at the same time wanting to beat my dick, so i forced myself to get up and snap myself out of the haze, sat down at the computer to work on some things. After some time i went down in the basement to catch a groove and burn some of the many calories that i consumed throughout the day/night and it sucked. My movement was sloppy, i wasn’t feeling energized and I couldn’t get into the flow so after about 20 minutes i said fuck it and went upstairs. Moral of the story, do what needs to be done at the start of your day no matter how little sleep you get. And don’t eat pizza, i guess. It’s all good, tomorrow will be better. Oh, forgot to mention, i worked out a daily schedule for myself and i plan on following it strictly. All it takes for a good life is good habits, and habits require repetition. I’m on the right path, this I’m sure of.

Alright, time to get some much needed sleep. Be well.

 

I've definitely found that when I get out of my new battle rhythm, I'm just sort of floating around the rest of the day. It's also easy to get into the fringes of porn when you're in this reduced awareness state, like googling something or an internet banner ad which isn't porn, but can trigger the desire for it. I had ads on the side of an online comic for plus sized women's bras, so I looked up ad blocking software and installed that (AdBlock Plus in case anyone is interested).

Nice that you got your routine figured out!

 

Day 16!!! More than 2 weeks in and I honestly feel like I’ve moved past my addiction. Of course the pathways are still there and i know better than to “test” it but I’m rarely ever thinking about porn anymore. The way that I’m gonna beat this and make the most of it is to focus the built up energy on bettering myself one step at a time. In one year I’m gonna be almost unrecognizable.

Been thinking about starting a YouTube channel. I gave it a go in 2018 but i was too self conscious and brain fogged to actually complete a video. When i finally did complete a video, I wasn’t able to edit it because my computer was too damn slow and buffered with every action. I decided I’m gonna buy a new computer and just use it as my work computer. There’s so much i want to share with the world but I’ve been limiting myself out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of being in over my head, fear of being exposed, ect. For the past 2 years I’ve been “working on myself” because I’ve felt like i was still too damaged to put myself out there. I’ve realized that i dont need to wait for my “superpowers” to come before I go after what I want.

I am charismatic, I’m intelligent, and I have a lot to share. My inner critic tells me that I have to meditate more, do more mindset work, get more nofap days under my belt before I do what I really want to do with my life. That I’m not “ready”. Truth is, I’m never gonna be “ready” until I tell my inner critic to fuck off and just fucking do it. I don’t have to be 300 iq, I don’t have to be super smooth, I don’t have to be hilarious all the time. I don’t have to be an absolute beast of charisma to get behind a camera and talk. I can be bad at it, even. As long as I’m doing it, that’s all that matters. Even if i do start out bad, I’ll improve. I’ll get better, and if I’m consistent I will reach the top of the mountain. It’s time to put my ego aside and just start sharing.

Im gonna buy myself a computer, get some editing software, and start making videos. Throughout the week I will brainstorm videos on my lunch break or before I go into work. Play with ideas, script, research, ect. Then when I get my nights off I’ll record, edit, make thumbnails and all that jazz. I should be able to get one upload a week, and with that I can gain some traction until I start snowballing, and eventually I can quit my day job or night job in this case and start doing what the fuck i want to do and work for myself.

Nowhere to go but up. Take care and good luck, fellas. Be well.

 

neat! what kinds of videos? I think that would be a good hobby to keep your mind occupied on a new project, developing new skills, and also helping build your confidence in presenting yourself to the world.

 

I want to make videos about consciousness expansion and personal empowerment. I want to reach the apathetic people and inspire them to move away from the socially conditioned bullshit that held me back for so long. Seems like a much more rewarding career path than putting boxes on the shelf lol.