Small diary of a 42yo PMO addicted

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Kenshin81, Aug 16, 2023.

  1. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Hi guys,
    I'm here just to publish some updates regarding my path to noPMO. I will not post on a daily basis, probably weekly. I hope this diary could be helpful for someone.
    Actually I don't think I'll ever return to 'normal' (meaning: performing as prior of PMO), I'm a bit skeptical because I already made a quite long streak (63 days) and saw some improvements, but still unable to have sex with a real girl or have erections using only the brain.

    The story so far:
    Currently age 42, started masturbating at about 14 years (mainly with VHS, at that time). Started with internet porn (vanilla-sex photos, or very bad quality videos due to 56K internet speed) at 16-17 years. At age 25-26 started with high quality videos (ADSL era) till age 34-35. From 30 years to 36 I had finasteride medication that killed my libido to some extent so I started to see less full erections even with porn (I gave the culprit to the finasteride itself...) so I begin to watch more fetish-related porn till the age of 40, but even this kind of porn now doesn't allow me to have full erection anymore. I read and saw this porn-related ED (YBOP, YBR, reddit...) so I started to abstain from porn as a test. It was very difficult at the beginning, I had the following different streak:

    2x 7 days (relapse in-between)
    2x 14 days (relapse in-between)
    1x 21 days
    1x 35 days
    1x 63 days

    The 63 days streak was the one where I saw a bit of improvements: return of nightly erections/morning woods (can't remember the last time I had one in the past years) and one wet dream (I only had two in all of my life). At the beginning the morning woods were in a soft form, then in the last 15-20 days I had quite hard erections (maybe 90/95% of its full hard-on) so I thought to have maybe resolved to some degree. So I pay a girl (need to say, and this is not good, I'm very timid so I didn't had lots of experience with girls in the past, the only way is currently to pay) and even took some PDE5 medicament to be sure, but sadly it was half of a failure. Maybe the problem is in my brain, but I had no libido/sexual arousal at all, the naked body of a girl doesn't give me the "kick" to have an erection. Even if I have one (maybe because the girl speaks some bad words to excite me) I can't keep it for more than some minutes. The penetration or bj's doesn't give me good feelings and this doesn't help to keep an erection at all. Currently, even if I watch porn I can get half of an erection, but for full erection I need to stroke and masturbate.

    My goal is to close the year 100% clean regarding PMO, but not avoiding to watch real nude girls (for example pub with lap dancers) to see if I can link my brain with real girls.

    So, as you all can see here, I'm at day 3 of a new (hopefully long) streak. In the first and second day after the relapse I didn't have morning wood. Today I wake up with a good strong erection, maybe that's because my previous long streak didn't erase all the previous progress.
    Let's see next week if something good happens...
    Discalced likes this.
  2. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    I completely agree “my previous long streak didn't erase all the previous progress.”

    success is not a straight line. There’s highs and lows. 63 is awesome! Use that as motivation.
  3. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Yeah, I saw here people with more than a year of noPMO, which is astonishing for me, actually, and I really would like to know from them how this changed their sexual life.
    The problem of all this process is the "not a straight line", which leaves us with mixed feelings. In my case, from day ~40 to 63 I saw very little (close to none) improvements, and that's probably one of the reasons I relapsed.
    Now I want to see if 4 months can change something (I really wish). In the meantime I started to take some omega-3 pills (fish oil). This will not resolve the PMO problem, of course, but omega-3 should do good things to the body in general, so why not?

    Thanks for your message!
  4. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    First week of no-PMO completed. I must say, and I encourage everyone as well, that it's easier to no-PMO if you start in a gradual way: relapse after some days, then some weeks, then some months and so on, rather than try from the beginning to do no-PMO for months. Anyway, I'm almost the same as day 0, I wake up during the night with an erection (sometime it's soft, other times are harder), but nothing more. Let's see for the next week. In the meantime I ordered acetyl l-carnitine to see if I can speed up some result.
    Rupert Pane likes this.
  5. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Glad to hear 1 week done. I think you answered your own question.. ie seeing progress faster.

    1. You said 40..63 you saw no progress
    2. You seeming easily reset and completed a week. 3. You found a method that works
    4. Your encouraged and are encouraging others.

    I don’t think you would’ve done 2-4 previously. So I see that as progress - albeit on a different metric.
    Kenshin81 likes this.
  6. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Second week completed. Need to say that the morning erections are starting to fade away, maybe I'm entering into a flatline.
    Good thing is that currently I don't have the thought of testing myself, and the fact that I have a lot of work to do these days is also "positive" in a way that I don't have the needs of thinking at porn.
    Going into the third week, without many expectations on the thing below, but good hopes to close the third week without PMO.
    StarWarsFan and path-forward like this.
  7. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Good work on 2 weeks!
    Kenshin81 likes this.
  8. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Third week completed without PMOing, I just had some sexual thoughts sometimes (I think even a small sexual dream, but not wet dream at all) and touched myself (without P obviously), but something that lasted no more than 10 seconds, so I won't count it at all. Next weekend I'd probably go to a lap dance club, not my direct choice, but a friend of mine asked to. I came to that place months ago, so I already know what to expect and I don't think I'll relapse in any way, since actually the libido is very low. I don't think even 4 weeks will be enough to see improvements (I didn't see them even after 63 days, previously) but who knows, maybe I'll be able to get a hard-on? That would be fantastic, especially on my self-esteem and willpower, to continue this process.
    mailboxsam and path-forward like this.
  9. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Making great progress! Congrats!
    Kenshin81 likes this.
  10. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Haha you are going to struggle not to MO when you come back from that club :)
  11. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Your sentence makes sense, but there are some reasons on why I think I'll not MO afterwards:
    - I need to drive 1 hour to return home (with friends), thus I have the time to calm down since I can't MO in the car :D
    - I'll be back quite late, often around 4 AM, time to almost go directly to bed.
    - The fact that I (probably) will not get a hard-on and currently I have no libido makes less interesting to MO.
    - I already go to that place in the past and never relapsed previously, so I'm quite confident it will be the same.

    I'm currently in the "asexual" stage. I see that pretty girls should be "hot", but down there nothing happens. Even with porn, I need to M to get it hard, so I'm assuming my PIED is quite severe.

    I'll let you know next week if I'm still "safe" :)

    BTW, I really envy all of you who have 150+ (and more) days of noPMO. In my case, the lack of results and the intention to test if everything is "working" is what makes me relapsing, not the abstinence per se :(
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2023
    Discalced and mailboxsam like this.
  12. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Ok, yesterday it was the day I went to a lap dance club with a friend (as written some post ago). There were lots of girls in bikini/topless walking around, but, as expected, I had no particular arousal. I also tried a 'private' encounter with a very beautiful girl I choose, dancing for me, that ended with moments of kissing/licking and M (only by me, since they can't M the clients as a rule), and in that case I had some slight erection, and even some slight "leakage", but sadly, that condition of mine is very far from optimal, because with such a low erection it's impossible to have a sexual intercourse. This is really disheartening.

    This week went smoothly anyway, I'm quite close to a full month of noPMO, started to have again some soft morning wood (not all nights, just some of them), and had even a wet dream three days ago (this is the third wd I had in my whole life, and 2 out of 3 were in this 'reboot' phase, so I wish this could be considered a positive event).

    Other than that, I resisted and didn't PMO till now, but I don't know if I should reset the counter after yesterday night, even if it was not directly (internet) porn-related?
  13. Discalced

    Discalced New Member

    A problem I've faced with temptation is it keeps loading bullets and only shoots when you are unaware.

    In my attempts to stop M, my memory betrays me and brings back video scenes or stories I've read, or situations I've been.

    Recently, based on others testimonies, I'm doing push-ups, abs, planks, or an isometric pose, until the desire goes away.

    Btw, congrats on your long achievements.
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2023
  14. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Yeah, this is happening to me as well, unfortunately... :-\

    Thank you! I really hope to fix this problem once for all, but I know the path is full of dangers, and the risk to relapse is behind the corner. I hope to be able to resist on hard mode until the end of the year and, above all, starting to see some real result.
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2023
    Discalced likes this.
  15. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    Unfortunately, I've spoken too early. :(
    I've received some fetish photos from a chat, tried to resist a bit but it was impossible and I failed very badly, without ever becoming aware, I was M'ing over them... WTF!!
    So now I've reset the counter, blocked that chat, hoping that nothing bad happens again...
    Feel very stupid about that and need to put in the trash the 32 days made...
  16. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    The 32 days was not "trash." It was 32 days you were not M'ing! That is a big step towards changing your behavior.

    Be kind to yourself and learn from your mistakes - which it sounds like you have.
    StarWarsFan, Caz, Kenshin81 and 2 others like this.
  17. Kenshin81

    Kenshin81 New Member

    You're probably right and I thank you for the kind words, however I feel that continuing in this way will never break this cycle. I don't know how I was able to do 63 days, i thought to be able to resist even longer this time but was not able. Plus, now I've the chaser effect which is stronger after prolonged abstinence. But anyway, let's see what I can do to think to something else...
  18. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    Completely agree with path.

    I would add don’t think of the number of days, focus more on the benefits. 32 days is huge and probably many of them were easier than the first time. And many will now be easier the next time.
    Kenshin81 and path-forward like this.

Share This Page