Slowly Getting Older

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by 200DaysMission, Apr 10, 2016.

  1. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Broke up with M.
    In hindsight it was inevitable, and I'm sure it's for the best.
    It's never a good sign to be considering breaking up every week or so in a relationship. So I bit the bullet.

    She's nice, and she likes me a lot. But we are both looking for different things.
    She was upset, but I explained, and in the end she took it pretty well.
    I feel like I made the right choice for sure. And it's better to end things now than string her along for another couple of months.

    We had fun though, and we'll stay on good terms for sure.
    Onwards and upwards.

    I guess the PMO struggle will be harder again now. Part of me has decided to have a binge tomorrow. Which is stupid on many levels. But I kinda want to.
    I'll sleep on it. I'm in control.
     
  2. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Hey,

    that's rough, man. I'm sorry you had to do that! Probably the best choice tho
    I'm glad that she took it well eventually.
    After I broke up I felt kind of empty for a while, but get through it and see what's on the other side.

    PMO'ing is, of course, never a good idea. There are lots of ways in this world to make you feel a little better, and PMO isn't one of them, so maybe try not to do it, avoid the computer of a day or something. Idk. I fear that'll only make everything feel a little worse/more empty.

    Keep us updated! Make the decision to be strong, bro, especially now!
    - DoW

    (als0, thanks so fricking much for pre-ordering, you're awesome)
     
  3. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks for the reply DoW!

    Maybe she didn't take it as well as I thought - she wants us to meet up today and talk some more. I said yes, because I sprung it on her yesterday kind of, and she's probably got some questions she wants to ask now that it's sunk in.
    But still, I don't want to drag it out. I feel happy with my choice, and I've been in a good mood, I want to get on with my life! I'm ready to see the other side :)
    Though I'm happy to provide my ears and a shoulder for a little while longer.

    My mood has been good, I feel relieved.
    The emptiness will come I'm sure, but I have no regrets and I will be as prepared as I can.


    I may still PMO. But I'm not going to force myself to. And I'm aware that it will have to be a conscious choice, my cravings aren't that bad and I'm not going to get triggered by being on the computer - in many respects I have passed that.
    But the last couple of days have been a little bit stressful to be honest. I feel like I need some sort of release.
    I'd normally go out and get drunk, but I have a really busy week and I can't afford a hangover - and the lack of productivity that day.
    Maybe I could do some exercise instead. I'll have a think.

    Meeting up with a friend this evening after I see M - so that is something to look forward to!
     
  4. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Try not to PMO. Is there something else you can fall back on? Food even?
     
    deadofwinter likes this.
  5. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Short, fast "I'm in a hurry but still have to say this"-post:

    Yeah, dude.. Listen to Londoner! (and listen to me!)

    "But the last couple of days have been a little bit stressful to be honest. I feel like I need some sort of release. "
    This, what you are thinking right now, is exactly what you should be fighting against, this is what the addiction is. You may have a lot of "days" under your belt but that doesn't mean a thing if you're not ready to get this thing out of your life completely.

    You might think this is a rational choice and even it if it is: it's not a good one (in terms of addiction).
    I really got to go, but you can't expect anyone here to agree with you when you say that you're gonna make the choice to PMO.
    'A release'... never have I ever!
    Seriously, friend, you don't want to get into that spiral again (because it can only go downwards from where you are). Take a step back from your stress, see your situation from a distance, and see how PMO is such a shitty idea. Walk around town with your headphones on, drink something very sour or whatever, or even find release in the fact that THIS is the challenge and every second you're not choosing to PMO you are winning.

    I'm glad you feel good, though.
    BUT don't PMO!

    best wishes.

    (please excuse my overly-dramatic writing, maybe you should read the whole post like I'm saying all those things very calmly with a cat on my lap in big leather chair drinking vodka or whatever.)
     
  6. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    I enjoy food but it doesn't excite me. For want of a better word I want a rush, some adrenalin. I could take my clothes off and run down the street, but it's not really my style. But I want a short, intense burst of excitement - however artificial it may be.
    Your question made me realise I need adrenalin though (as opposed to comfort or anything), so it will hopefully help me find a solution.
    Thanks a lot, mate.


    Thanks again DoW, you've helped me realise that I'm being a bit of an idiot.

    But I want do indulge a vice. Or something.
    Just I'll try and think how to pick a different one (not PMO).
    I have lots of things that I do that will make me happy in a week, or a month, or in five years.
    But my life is shorter for things that will make me very happy for 5 minutes or so. I guess all these kinds of behaviours are destructive in some way.

    But I will think, and I won't PMO tonight.
    And your suggestion of drinking something really sour is actually a good idea!
     
  7. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    But now I have to go to
    Break-up: Part 2.
    I'd rather not.
     
  8. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    I'm glad. The thing that I have found release/relief in lately is running. Kind of cliché. I always hated it! But I even bought expensive running shoes and it's making my life so much better at the moment. Watch a tv show, go see a random band, take a cold shower, there are a lot of things to do. But you already got my point.

    Ugh, yeah, I know how it is. I've had a lot of sequels, regarding break ups. I even wrote my ex a list of all the things she could do to feel happy and less lonely and also a lot of bands she should listen to. Lol.
    You've got to be clear, I guess, that you're certain of your decision, and you have to show it, else she might try and do a lot of (self depreciating) things to get you back, and a no-contact period is also a good idea for some people.

    Well, good luck and keep us noted!
     
  9. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Cheers, mate.
    I never imagined you as a runner - but glad you're getting a lot out of it!

    And thanks for the advice, I want to keep it dignified.
    I've been pretty clear, and I'm going to suggest we don't see each other for a few days if she asks to meet up again soon.

    I appreciate your input!
     
  10. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Today has not been so easy.

    While I still have no regrets, I am much more sad today. I miss M, and I feel lonely.
    I guess I just have to deal with this as best as I can, I'll come out the other side soon enough.

    It's a good/bad thing that I have such a huge workload this week for university.
    It's a wonderful distraction, and I can throw myself into it and enjoy it. Yet, I also have so much to have done by Sunday that it's making me anxious. I can achieve everything, but I'm going to need a bit of luck and spend a lot of time on these projects. I don't think I'll be able to play much piano this week, which is a little bit sad too (I normally manage two hours every day as a minimum).

    I'm also trying to sell the accommodation I booked for me and M to go away, fingers crossed.
    As much as I was willing to spend it, now it's not happening I'd like to be able to get the money back.

    Anyway, a sigh and a smile.
    Here's to tomorrow!
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2017
  11. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Well, came kinda close to relapsing yesterday, but I didn't.

    My mindset was ready for it, I was just scrolling and scrolling down facebook hoping something arousing would pop-up.
    I did this for maybe 2 or 3 minutes, then realised it was pretty pathetic. I obviously didn't want to PMO bad enough to actually open a tab and go on a pornographic website (I can't remember whether I have filters or not), so I just snapped myself out of it and went downstairs. I wasn't even horny.

    I'm not sure what this obsession is with sabotaging myself at the minute, though I am starting to see it for what it is (with help from Londoner and DoW).

    I was feeling very low last night though, it was the first day since we matched on Tinder four and a half months ago that me and M haven't messaged each other. So it was weird, but good. Progress for both of us.

    I feel happier today, and I have lots and lots of work to do so I'll be busy until the evening.
    It's been 158 days apparently, but I am truly taking it one day at a time again. I guess you need to learn to beat porn in every situation in your life. And some situations I haven't had as much practice coping with.
     
  12. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Oh, how horribly relatable. I've been catching myself doing this yesterday and today, not very smart.

    Yeah exactly.

    Break ups suck, whether you're in love with the girl or not, whether you broke up with her or she broke up with you, it just sucks. But that is what it is, and if you accept that (and you are, I believe) you can get through it much easier. There is a reason a lot of people are (unhappily) married. These kinds of decisions are hard and will make you feel bad short term (and also some people are afraid to be alone, especially after a long time)

    Some songs that made my break up(s) less bad: (also: somehow I'm always the break-upper, I hate it!)




    They're not really uplifting or something, but according to some youtube video I saw a long time ago (GREAT SOURCE, HM?) sadness/'feeling not alright' does not need an uplifting speech, it needs something to feel sad with. Feeling sad together is what this time needs. Let it be songs, let it be a person, a book, whatever.

    Oh I just read you feel happier today. OKAY IGNORE MY POST
     
  13. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Haha, I'm relatively happier, though still on the sad side.
    I've listened to your tunes, thanks mate. The first one is very relatable especially.

    Thanks for your kindness - I'll indulge in some beautiful sadness tonight.

    Also, let's both try to not go on a search-scrolling-scuba-diving-apple-bobbing adventure for porn tonight!
     
  14. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Okay, my day got way worse haha. But then better.

    I was super stressed and sad by the afternoon, and it got worse and worse.
    My body is getting run-down, and it is starting to show my symptoms of chronic stress.
    Anyway, it was all getting a bit much and I fell asleep at 8 o'clock and I just woke up.
    It's a bit annoying because maybe I won't sleep so well - but I feel so much better for it!

    I haven't been thinking about porn today either, so well done me.
    And tomorrow I can cross off one of the projects I had to do this week which is really stressing me out on top of everything with the break-up.
    I have been researching and preparing to give a seminar at the university tomorrow, and I can't wait for it to be over.
    It is only a practice one, and I have put a lot of effort and time in. It's on a subject that I knew nothing about before, so I have done okay and had to teach myself a lot, but even so - I am not feeling particularly confident.
    So I can't wait to get it out of the way, it will be such a relief!

    Then I will be halfway through the week - I'll just have one more piece of work to finish, so I'll have time to do some piano maybe and also catch up on all the adulting that I've been neglecting.

    These last few days have been crap, but good things are still happening really and I'm not out of optimism just yet. Though it's definitely been the worst week I've had since September and I'd quite like it to finish now haha. :)
     
    Londoner likes this.
  15. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Well the seminar is done, it didn't go particularly well or particularly bad, it was somewhere in the middle - so I am reasonably content!

    I feel like my anxiety has subsided a little now. I still have a busy week to come, but there is one less thing on my mind at least.

    Less sad about M today, I am just trying to keep going as best as I can.
    I feel sadness and guilt, as opposed to regret, which I see as a positive in a strange way. I am 100% satisfied with the choice I made still, and time will make right everything else.

    Haven't spoken for three days now. I'd like to check if she's okay, plus she had some exam results back today and she probably wants to tell me how she did.
    But not sure whether I should message her yet. I may give it a few more days, though I'll sleep on it at least.
     
  16. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Yo. I'm glad your anxiety has dropped a little and that you have no feelings of regret.

    About the should-I-message-her thing. I know it must feel like a good thing to do, with the exam results and all. You just gotta remember that it could prolong her 'suffering' (bit of an extreme word, hah) if you keep contacting her.
    On the other hand: instead of doing the extreme no-contact-at-all thing, you might be feeling better with something more gradual. Either way, think it over a bit, again from both sides and also why you really want to contact her etc.

    Whatever you do, do it carefully and thoughtfully!

    Also, I hope your week gets better, stay strong!
    -DoW
     
  17. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Thanks DoW. With regards to the messaging, I'll keep thinking.
    I appreciate your support.

    I'm posting quite a lot lately.
    I find it's cathartic, and helps me maintain a sense of perspective, and it reminds me of the passage of time.

    I'm not feeling as bad as last night. And I've managed to get 3 hours focused work done.
    I think I'll hit the hay pretty soon, I'm exhausted.
    So I'll see what tomorrow brings! Though I am going to try and free up the time to play some piano :)


    I don't feel particularly close to relapsing, but it's certainly harder to shake away thoughts of porn when they arrive.
    There are a couple of the first videos that I ever watched which I'm struggling to summon away from my mind.
    They feel like snuggly pillows, a little hide-away that it feels I should run to. Though I know this would be counter-productive on so many levels.
    I'm also questioning this whole process.

    I think I'm at a stage where so long as I am involved with a girls/preparing myself to meet a girl or dating etc. I am pretty focused and motivated with this whole thing.
    It's just now that I have no real appetite for female interaction, it's become a lot harder.

    So I hope that drive comes back pretty soon. I can always give it a little push if needed.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2017
  18. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    I think that I'm feeling a little better day by day.
    I've been really productive so far, I don't think I'll play any piano, but I have gotten 2/3 of my project done in the last two days.
    I'll start the final part tonight, and if I finish that tomorrow I'll have a day or so to refine it - so that'll be good.

    Anyway, found myself scrolling for arousing material again down my facebook feed last night.
    I didn't find any again, but it's weird.
    I'm not aroused, but it's like I'm trying to give myself an excuse to fail.
    I've been saying that for five days now, it's been quite an effort not to cave in.

    I still feel anxious, and sad, though like I say - I think I'm rebalancing. Though I may MO if my anxiety stays the same.
    I'm very tired but I'll try and stay awake and get an early night. I took an afternoon nap yesterday and it took me a long time to fall asleep at night.

    All this writing is pretty mundane, though it's helping me clear my head.
     
  19. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    It might be a good idea to realize a little earlier what you're doing on the Facebook feed. Maybe make a little rule that you'll only go on there when you have a clear reason, if not: think about why you want to go to fb, if it is because you want to trick yourself into PMO'ing, then don't go to fb.
    Personally, I don't see a lot of harm in MO'ing. People who want to get a girlfriend could benefit from not doing it, but if you don't, well. Idk..

    Anyway:
    Relapsing can go very gradually, so be wary. Before you know it, your brain's idea of what's normal has shifted and there you are again, back in your old ways.

    I like the mundane writing! I'm a big fan of daily slice-of-life things.
    Good luck, don't be weak, you're not!
     
  20. 200DaysMission

    200DaysMission Active Member

    Well, I relapsed a week ago.

    I have no regrets really...I needed to masturbate and I feel much better for it. I guess perhaps I shouldn't have used porn, but it was fun and I enjoyed it and that craving is gone now.
    I took a week out of my journal just to back up my words with actions. It was a pretty controlled decision, something I mulled over for a few days.

    I'm also pretty pleased that the last two times I've broken a long streak and relapsed, each time it's only been one day and then I've begun again. I'm pretty proud of that. I think it's indicative of how stable I've been lately and the progress I have been making in a lot of areas of my life.
    I was kinda worried that since I'd made so much progress in terms of PIED, I'd be less motivated. But that's not been the case this past week, and it's got to the stage where I'm keen to start meeting girls again and see what happens.

    I went out last night with a friend and we had a really good time. We spoke to lots of people and made some friends, and I always seemed to end up talking with a few pretty girls over the course of the night.
    I'm not normally like that, I'm quite inarticulate most of the time, just every now and then I hit the right level of drunk and I find some wit and charm and a better vocabulary. It's weird!
    I actually got a couple of phone numbers from two nice girls. I wasn't that interested in them so I don't think I'll get in touch. We just talked for twenty minutes or so and swapped numbers.
    However I was talking to one girl who was really nice, and very receptive too. So obviously she was the one I forgot to ask for her number, and my friend wanted to leave that bar quite quickly because he didn't like it.
    It's typical haha, I would have liked to see her again, but I'm also just happy and grateful to have shared a nice conversation with a pretty girl.

    Anyway so I had a nice night. I think it's really important that I initiate things more with girls when I can though.
    I feel I have some good things to offer, and though there's a little part of me that feels uncomfortable for asking what I want, I guess it's just something I need to learn. I woke up this morning a little bit sad that I'd never see that girl again. We got on really well and that'll just be it now.

    Incidentally she was Hungarian. Maybe I like novelty on some level, or I just don't like English girls so much haha.
    In reality I just find it much easier to talk to Europeans about classical music. It's something I'm passionate about and European girls who come to study in England have a much better knowledge of classical music. Some of my favourite composers were from Hungary, so we spoke about that a lot. She was impressed and proud that I knew so much about the composers from her country. And talking about music I naturally spoke about how I played the piano and stuff, which she was enthusiastic about.


    Well this post has gone on too long haha. It also reads back a little bit big-headed. It's probably because I am a little bit hungover, but I had a nice time and I'm ready to start dating and stuff again, I feel excited about what's out there!
    I hope everyone's having a great week :)
     

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