Sick of his addiction

Discussion in 'Women' started by Giavanna, Dec 11, 2013.

  1. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    Gia~ I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I know how heartbreaking it is. I did message you here, hopefully you got it, as it doesn't show up in my "sent" message folder. I know how hard it is to wrap your mind around all of this, how one minute you can be ok, and you can understand, and how the next your heart is breaking all over again. If you'd like to connect, I am here
  2. Giavanna

    Giavanna Member

    Thanks Me Vs P, Meatloaf, and nevergoodenough, for your replies. I really appreciate it. Well I didn't get mad with J yesterday when he came home. He already knew that I was upset with him, because I had posted something on Facebook. I had posted something about not being able to trust people, so he got the hint.
    He didn't come home from work right away, like he normally does. He said he had finally told a co-worker about his problem. He also finally told his sister, but she said she already knew. In fact, his sister said she and their mother had discussed it several years ago. The first thing his sister said was, "You got it from Dad." She told him how she walked in on their dad once while he was watching porn. J's other brother has also had some issues with porn.
    Anyway, J started crying his eyes out, saying how he had been working so hard on his addiction. I just felt so bad for him, I gave him a big hug and we talked. Although I was really pissed yesterday morning, my anger had turned to sadness for the rest of the day. I started feeling sad for J. I know deep down that he wants to get better, but for the life of him, he just doesn't really know how. So, yelling and screaming at him would have done no good. With a PA or any kind of addiction, it doesn't really matter what you do, whether you scream, cry, threaten... it doesn't matter, you just can't fix the problem. I know it's not my problem to fix. It's his. Yes, it does affect me too, because it hurts relationships at the very heart, the intimacy of a relationship.
    I told J that I knew about the pictures and that I didn't delete them. I have before. I guess I was being a bit sarcastic at one point yesterday, because I told him that I had made copies and put them in a folder, (in case he needs them). He deleted the pictures that were in his email. I'm not sure what's on his iPhone. I haven't looked yet. But, does it really matter? He has deleted LOTS of pictures/video, but then he just starts collecting more at some point. I've been thinking about installing K-9 on his computer. I do want to discuss it with him first though. If he refuses, then we DEFINITELY have a problem. Like I've told him before, he's like an alcoholic with a hidden bottle of Vodka. It just doesn't work.
    J is planning on going back to his men's group on Wednesday night. He has a workbook that he is supposed to answer questions, such as, "What was the family secret?" "What coping skills did you have as a child?" There are some serious questions and J has been writing down his thoughts and trying to answer those questions. I believe that's a good thing. I believe it will help him to maybe get to the root of his addiction... in time. if he stays with it.
    I know I need some help for myself too. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to scream, sometimes I feel like crying, but I know it won't do any good. My sister and I grew up with an alcoholic mother and no matter what ANYONE did or said, it didn't do a damn bit of good. My Mom had to hit 'rock bottom' in order to get better... and thank God, she finally did. My Mom could have gotten help sooner, but it was all about covering up the family secret. It was shameful for my grandparents and they didn't want anyone to know, so it was covered up, the same way my sexual abuse was covered up. But things have a way of coming into the light, sooner or later. That's when things can start to turn around.
    I am proud of J that he is finally letting people know about his addiction. I believe that is a good step in the right direction. My problem is that I need to learn how to deal with this better and stop letting it get to me. His addiction should not stop me from being all that I can be. I have to find a way...I just have to.
    Someone on this forum had mentioned Byron Katie and I am going to read about her and "The Work" to change your thoughts, etc. : The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question the thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity.
    Maybe this will help me and if J is willing to do it, maybe it will help him.
    There is one phrase that my Mom used to say all the time. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." She kept trying, J is I need to keep trying.

  3. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    Giovanna have you considered therapy for yourself? You have to be very wary of becoming co-dependant. It sounds as though you are invested emotionally in his issue and it might be crippling you. I know nothing about your relationship other than what you have written but you sound very broken.

    I gave my husband an ultimatum and started looking for a divorce lawyer. I am lucky because he gave up masturbation and fantasy and never looked back. If it weren't for our two kids I'm not sure I'd still be here. What's holding you to him? You either have to commit to your own mental health or get the hell out.
  4. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    this is the last time I am posting these questions.

    its good news that he told his family - that does mean that he is serious.
  5. Giavanna

    Giavanna Member

    Thanks for all your replies. Meatloaf, a couple of months ago, I had thought about us abstaining, not having sex, only hugging and kissing. I had even mentioned that I was thinking about being celibate for a period of time. I posted this on the forum. Some people seemed to not like that idea, because I guess they thought I was just being mean, and wanting to withhold sex from J. That certainly was not my intention. What I meant when I said that, was while J was rebooting, not to have sex. Although, I was still interested in Karezza, which we still have not tried.
    Meatloaf, when I mentioned to J about us not having sex for a while, he hit the roof!!! He started talking about me 'prick teasing' him. I have NEVER sexually teased him! I still don't know where that prick teasing thing comes from. I don't know if you've read all my posts, but J's dad cheated on his mom throughout their marriage. J's dad told J when he was younger that those women didn't mean anything to him. He only wanted them for sex. I think that J started believing that and then too, looking at porn, all he's seen is women for his own sexual purposes.
    So you see, Meatloaf... I agree with you 100%. I can control myself and can go without sex for as long as it takes. Yes, I do have that much control. J doesn't have much control at all. Yeah, he did go three weeks, no M, no P, but then he was back to the P again. I can't tell you how many times I've told him, that if I keep on using my hand on him, then that is only reinforcing what his brain believes real sex is, which is wrong.
    Meatloaf, I really appreciate your input. Thanks a lot. If you have any other ideas, please let me know.


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