It's been a trying day. I got the call and the job offer. I turned it down. Talking with my psychiatrist, I went in circles. I wasn't sure if my desire to not take the job and find something part-time instead was me chickening out. The fears manifesting about relapse with addiction, depression, etc, might be me trying to stay stuck. It's familiar. The doctor listened and then told me I am not the same person as before. So, I shouldn't judge myself too harshly or believe things would turn out the same. Then, she continued and said that perhaps my revelation about wanting to try part-time first is more evidence that I am seeing things clearer, reality testing my anxiety, and setting myself up for a better chance of success. When the call came, I was back to being the screw-up son. It was very difficult to stand my ground against all the self-hate and loathing that I've done for years. Of course, things would be even more difficult to share with my spouse. I did some painting after turning the position down. So, good on me for using that strategy to refill my energy. I had a lot of tension when I saw my partner. I told her and she was very supportive. She said that she was impressed and not upset "as long as" I continue to look for work. That got the shame boiler going, but I spent some time telling myself this is old pain from my youth. I'm not that kid anymore. Later, when I tried to finish up the dishes she started, she came into the room and told me to stop. She would do it. Ten minutes later, she was clearly frustrated as she did the dishes, when I tried to talk to her she said she was overwhelmed with the work she was doing this evening and is not prepared for tomorrow. I offered to walk the dog so she could get more done and she snapped at me that she would do it. In my head, none of this had to do with her work. It was all my failure. Or, maybe she's stressed about work because she's the only one working. Damn, I suck. She apologized and we went to bed. Moments later she shared that when I ask if she wants me to walk the dog when it is already past her bed time that it is not helpful. In my mind, I don't like to ask because, well, look what happened when I took the initiative with the dishes. I didn't say this. I decided, like me, she's probably frustrated with herself. As she first shared, she is overwhelmed at work and feeling under prepared. Possibly she's projecting onto me. Yet, I cannot sleep because I am very busy self loathing. This old pain runs deep. I'm not sure I am in the right space to sit with the emotions. Of course, when will I ever be "ready?" In other news, I picked up a book @-Luke- quoted, MOMO. I am really enjoying it a lot. Maybe I'll read that until I get too tired.