Shame, relapse, repeat

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by MissingSelfCompassion, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Sorry to hear things are so difficult right now man. When I read your post I want to scream 'get out of there!, get away from your wife, mother and female psychistrist!'. I think because it brings up feelings of my own, and (I think) I can understand what you feel. Would it make sense to take some 'time off', time for yourself? Would it make sense to look for a male therapist? I went to a female therapist for my mother and porn issues years ago, and she adviced me to also go to a male therapist or group, because women can not understand us. It makes sense!

    You have the right to be angry at your wife. You cheated. Bad choice. But come on, you're not a criminal. Besides, weren't you dissatisfied before you cheated? You have your rights to be happy in life and relationships.

    You are not letting us down man, we're just happy to have you here and want you to be OK. Your advice is of someone with experience and with the same struggle as us. That is what we need!
  2. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Sounds like you had a lot on your plate recently- Mother's Day, tax, finishing that bloody couples therapy book. i can relate strongly to what you just experienced (especially the stuff about tax time being when income disparity becomes obvious, quickly followed by feelings of worthlessness). In the aftermath thelongwayhome has it right, take it easy, allow yourself to be angry (directed anger is great for getting a streak going) and know you are a worthy human being, deserving of happiness. I'm not just saying that in an abstract sense, i mean the way you conduct yourself here, the support you give others, shows you are a person of good heart. Time and experience make a big difference with the reboot. Just keep on going. We're all unpacking our baggage piece by piece and learning what our individuals triggers are. As wabi-sabi used to say, we're all carrying each other.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I love what everyone else wrote. Amazing stuff from a great group of men. :)

    So, wifey is still controlling the narrative. This was true in my life, too. "Remember when you were going to leave me for that woman?" OMG, the list of her whining was endless. And, you know what, it was just whining. She knew about my affairs and wanted to stay with me. She made her choice regarding that. So, bringing it up is fucking pointless...oh, except it serves her purpose in keeping me a good little boy. When I came here, and to YBOP, and realized that I was hooked on PMO, I decided that I was no longer going to be sorry for past behavior/choices.

    Neurons that fire together, wire together. It's that simple. If we use pixels and our hand then that's what our brain wants. Because it is an unnatural want it tends to power us down. If we use a woman's vagina to get off then we wire to that and it powers us up - it's like taking emotional vitamins!

    We don't need to find our passion, or courage, or change our diets, or exercise, we just need to stop PMO and MO. That's it! Oh, and reach out to your wife. Once you are boning her on any kind of semi-regular basis she won't be hauling out the workbooks.
  4. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon New Member

    Thanks for sharing your stuff. I hope you find peace out of all of this.

    I read the whole thing and I think everybody's contribution is very great. I personnaly like Saville's take on ''loving yourself'' and taking action.

    Here's my take on ''loving myself'' :

    To love myself is almost a contemplative exercice. First I need to ''get out of my body'', my character, who I am in daily life; my emotions in the moment, the anger, the issues in my relationship, the compromise I have to make. I have to get out of all this momentarily. I need to be content with existing in the grand scheme of things. I need to become an observer with no attach to the material world (momentarily). Then I need to approach myself in a curious manner, to see myself from above, kind of like from someone else's perspective. I need to watch myself act, the ridiculous things I do when I'm pissed, my aspirations in the near and long term future, my body, my hair, my face. I must see myself as I am. (Not like I think I am : this is where the disappointment comes from. This is where the dissonance comes from. This is why self love is so hard in my opinion. Because we never have an accurate picture of ourselves in mind, it's always distorted.) Finally I need to accept all of that, like I would for anybody else. I need to give myself respect as a human being, as a living creature with its own goals and adventure.
    Gilgamesh and Thelongwayhome27 like this.

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