Shame-aholic

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Imfree, Oct 30, 2017.

  1. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm have an older woman that I can contact now. She seems to be offering as much or as little of a relationship as I want. Basically I can call her up for sex anytime and it is not expected that I offer more. Her personality is pretty cool, I suppose. This is a huge step down from my ex though on the physical level, which has led to severe depression.

    I had the odd experience the other day of edging for 1-1.5 hours and then thinking "fuck this, I could be having sex right now". I went over to her place, had sex with her and spend the night. I nearly forgot about the porn and she didn't know anything was up. But a week or so later, I made the first statements of potential intent to break up with her, and then had sex with her again. After that, I wasn't contacting her and had more of a true binge with porn. Well, I was watching porn for 2 hours or so, then a break where I got out of the the house for an hour and then back into an hour of edging.

    I'm at a really wierd stage with porn now. I a real erection an physiological arousal for the first hour or so. Then I'll briefly escalate to the greatest extreme possible and then de-escalate again. At some point I realize that porn won't offer me what I'm looking for. I'm looking for the "perfect" image, but it becomes more and more elusive. Either I nit-pick and criticize aspects of each scene, or I see the same crap that I have seen many times before. One thing that is a bit odd, is that I can't masturbate to women that are too attractive. If they're "beyond a 10", I won't masturbate to it because I'll either be worried about ejaculating and not being able to continue edging, or (more likely) I won't be able to fantasize about the woman for even a second and I will feel mostly sad about not being able to get somebody like her in real life. This can lead back to extreme genres as there is some desire to "punish" women for being unattainable. (It took me a long time to admit this.) And I certainly can't fantasize about the extreme scenarios anymore. At the peak of addiction I imagined that it was reasonable to get into some "swinging" type of lifestyle or that I could play some degraded and trivial role in the industry. Now I know that I don't really want those things and that the women are never actually enjoying it. If I see a scene where the woman makes some attempt to act like she's enjoying it I still feel like I have hit the "jackpot" for a couple seconds, but my though process is stricly along the lines of "nice scene" or "nice performance". I never try to picture myself or any real person in the scene as either a participant or an observer. I may see something particularly troubling and try to de-escalate. When I do this, I become aware of how the websites are always trying to re-escalate me with one more extreme thumbnail on each page. At some point I think either "I won't find the scene that I really want" or "this is all crap/ boring". On an emotional level I realize that it is pointless. I start thinking "it's not worth wasting my load/ energy/ self-confidence/ self-respect/ time on this". At that point I want to stop, but on the physical level I have trouble doing so. As the frequency and intensity of my strokes abate, I become less hard and I start to be more aware of the beginings of internal and external discomfort or pain in the genital region. At the start, I think that I will discipline myself into watching an entire scene; Then at least really taking some time to absorb the highlights; Then sitting through all of this lightspeed edited gonzo music compilation before clicking on something else. At the end, not only am I not watching entire scenes of any level of "core", I'm not even maximizing, I'm not even clicking through on anything. I'll hover over one or two thumbnails on each page of results and look at the tiny window of animated highlights for a second or two before moving on.

    So, geting back to the last moderage binge. I realized the tragedy and futility, wanted to stop, and eventually did stop. I got out and did some productive stuff, made my best attempt to be present, to smile and make eye contact. But I had gone too far. At that point I had crazy blue balls. It got to be so painful that I reluctantly came home and went for the full pmo (of course I couldn't ejaculate to just anything so I was searching for another hour). The pain didn't go away after fulling committing to PMO. What's worse, the pain greatly intensified at and around the moment of the first ejaculation and stayed at the same level for subsequent ejaculations. And lingering soreness thoughout the day, urinating a lot of dribble, having to be careful how I sit down, etc. This seems to have no long term consequences. I have always recovered, but I can't stand the thought that I might have to turn down sex or perform poorly if I did happen to have a desireable woman coming on to me during that time.

    This last binge was the first time I really felt the absolute terror on a level beyond the intellectual. I was too aware of the whole process to have any exaggerated shame or self-blame. Really, I'm the victim. I should take on what responsibility I can, but I was deceived and manipulated when I was at my most vulnerable, credulous, and naive. I didn't make that crap. I didn't promote it as harmless fun. I didn't cause disintegration and alienation in society or debase family values. At this point I was fully aware that watching that garbage didn't mean that I wasn't capable of love, tenderness, and spiritual transcendence; and that that wasn't what I really wanted. I thought "even if love is stronger, I was still overtaken in that moment by pure evil". Absolute terror and deep grief and regret, that is the only honest response. You realize that this is no different from somebody holding a gun to your head and just as serious. It could lead to you actually taking your own life or it could kill your unborn children and distance your unmarried wife...No exageration, no heat of passion, no overreaction, just a rational assesment of the facts. Pornographers should be given a fair, just, rational trial, and then put to death. It's a mercy killing really.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019

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