Shame-aholic

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Imfree, Oct 30, 2017.

  1. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I've given up on No Porn/ No Fap. It was a nice idea, that I had found the source of my problems and/or that I could be fixed. One good thing about the Internet: It's the only place where you can honestly say how you feel. I spend most of my free time convulsing on the floor with hysterical noises and facial expressions and sometimes crying. I try to run, but there is nowhere to run. No escape from this terrible place (earth). The most positive thoughts that I had today were of running around naked or jumping in the ice-cold ocean. All the others were a lot darker.
     
  2. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm setting the timer for an hour every other day and masturbating to (relatively) softcore porn. For a few moments out of the hour, I feel a momentary escape. Drugs don't work to sedate me anymore. Sleep is nice when it comes, but it doesn't come that much.
     
  3. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I broke down and set up a Tinder profile today. This is likely to be another massive blow to my self-esteem.
     
  4. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    The world has died and is now poplulated by zombies. I think of myself as a ghost rather than a zombie.
     
  5. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Not just the people. Nature died too. Art, music...lost all meaning.
     
  6. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I really thought that I was going to escape into true psychosis today, but it didn't last very long.
     
  7. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I also thought for a while that at some point, my mind would kill my body. This was starting to happen today. I stopped breathing for a short time on the floor, but then I gasped.
     
  8. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I was thinking of drowning or falling off a cliff. Those felt appropriate, but they really terrified me. Getting a gun license would take a lot of time and effort and I would have to convince people that I'm stable. Fentanyl seems like the obvious choice, but for some reason that doesn't feel right. The "running" mentioned ealier was not to any particular location because all vantage points are equally terrifying. Just absolute panic. Claustrophobia and slavery beyond belief. Trying to go to the very centre of myself where myself ends. That's what I want. To continue seemlesly living and experiencing, but to die as a personality and a history. Remembering how to walk and talk, life support systems working, but to be somebody else entirely. Amnesia would be great, a coma even better. I would still be stuck with this body which won't get me all that far in any social circles, but I might have some hope at a respectable existence if I had a different personality. I have felt the most OK travelling or moving to a new location, when I could be anybody, but then I eventually catch up with myself.
     
  9. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm reading a book written by a woman who's boyfriend had committed suicide. His motive was that he was a writer who had gotten rejected on a publication. This seems like a trivial level of despair to me. One could say that I'm just bummed out about this relationship and that I could get into a new situation and forget about it. This seems more total to me though. If I succeeded in landing a "great catch", this would only mean that I was depriving somebody else. My issue is not with success or failure, but with the brutality of the whole "game". If scientists are to be believed than this is all that reality is: "selfish genes". I don't know how they get away with indoctrinating impressionable youth into this nighmare beyond nighmares. The only way to do the right thing is to escape the tyranny of the genes and off yourself.

    I used to comfort myself in this line of reasoning: "They say that all that exists is this terrible survival of the fittest, but if that were true then I should welcome this revelation rather than seeing it as evil. The fact that I oppose it proves that there is something outside which is in a position to oppose. That proves that good exists in the world. If there is a conscience to be repulsed, it must come from somewhere." The scientific fundamenalists would shrug off these ideas though, saying that this morality is just an illusion and ultimately stems from my drives to brutalize the competition. They have an answer for everything and seem to be completely untroubled by it. Their solace is that they see themselves as wise and powerful by making these realizations. My issue is not with any particular outcome or position in the hierarchy, my issue is with god, nature, and reality itself. It's ultimate slavery.

    Another book I was reading was about polygamy from an Evolutionary Biology perspective. I repeat what I was told as in the preceeding paragraph and people make me out to be crazy and deny that that is our current worldview. It is considered crazy to oppose it, but also crazy to work out the implications. It's especially considered crazy to repeat it in the wrong context. It's doublethink. We're considered backwards if we think that anything exists besides evil, but were still supposed to think that we are very fortunate and that the world is a kind and gentle place.

    I was drawn to the idea of polygamy (ie., polyamory) because it seemed less brutal than monogamy. Such free and just relations have existed in certain places at certain times, but the norm is polygyny (ie., a small number of males keeping a harem and excluding others). To opt for monogamy, I have to admit that the world is fundamentally a bad place and that this arrangement was put in place to minimize the people who are excluded from intimate relations with the opposite sex entirely. The book was giving examples in nature, such as Elephant Seals. Years ago I lost any romantic notion of nature. If there are so many horrific parisites, predators, and bullies and so many creatures who are excluded from any measure of success or pleasure, maybe it is a good thing that we are causing mass extinctions? Maybe it's high time that it all ends? If humans come from such harsh roots, maybe we can somehow become aware of it and consciously choose to extricate ourselves?

    After exhausting myself the night before, finding nowhere to escape memories of loss and hardship, I came down with an illness. This was a very welcome development. It allowed me to be physically still and added an element of fear and discomfort (always being preferable to meaninglessness).

    I lied in bed picturing my limp body falling deeper and deeper into an ocean trench (now even lacking the feeble light and protection of the bathysphere), being impaled in a contorted position on giant brambles, or being torn apart by vultures. None of these images were right though. They imply a defined, external, enemy. I was facing the horror of the ultimate malevolence of all that exists. I wished that I could reverse not only my own life and birth, but everything up to the Big Bang. I wanted to be in a universe where there was nothing rather than something.
     
  10. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    In the end of the relationship, I lost all reason and control, being driven by a desire to find somebody "hotter". I was acting on an unconscious level, deluding myself into thinking that this was coming from a good place or that it would be to my ultimate benefit.

    I was offered an escape from this hell and I refused it. Now I just want out. I want to get on with life. Assuming (probably innacurately) that I could "do better". This is actually the most ethical and empowering position I could have taken: Saying: "Yeah, I hear you genes. Fuck off. You don't control me". If I just offed myself, that would be giving into the genes. (Though I've never read it in any scholarly sources, obviously suicide is to the benefit of the "improvement" of the "fitness" of the species. This is fully compatible with the Darwinian view, not some aberation or deviation from this doctrine.) No, ending my life would be like the rebellious tenager who defines his superiority to the surrounding culture by opposing himself to it and thus being defined by it. To be free is to say "Hey this is a darn good situation, all things considered. I hear those bestial impulses, but I choose to overcome them".

    Nearing the end of the relationship, when she was pushing for commitment and I was resisting, we were driving in her car. A song was playing with the lyrics "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, don't make a pretty woman your wife". At the time, I perceived the song as mocking me and that there was some conspiracy to hold me back and subdue my true nature. I had it all backwards though. Again with the Orwellian stuff. I was thinking "Freedom is Slavery".

    In reality, she wasn't ugly at all. In fact I think that she is the best that I could do on all levels. The cruelest irony is now that I am "free" to pursue whover I like, I am only attracted to her and I see every other woman as severely lacking on all counts.

    So getting back into porn after previously being more motivated than ever to eliminate it entirely. It's just the old thing of trying to kill the libido because things are too tense and psychologically uncomfortable when it grows. Another book which I had checked out was "Pornland". This really disturbed me. I truely don't have a desire to seek out any overly perverted or overtly abusive kind of pornography. While this has been used as a justification in the past, I think that there is progress to be made on some level with moderation. I'm not telling myself that it's great that it's something I want to be doing. On the contrary, often in mid-stroke I am overcome with sadness. I push through this and get some level of emotional numbing during the act and reduce my libido at the end. I have had a number of sessions now where I didn't access anything gonzo and didn't allow the timer to go over an hour without orgasming. This has put the porn into perspective. I don't feel great after those kinds of sessions, but the harm is nowhere near the level of what comes from extended binging to extreme content. Those episodes can take days to even begin to recover from. With the moderate sessions (especially since they have been frequent), I don't think much about the porn after finishing and just get on with my day. This could set a new floor. If I train my brain to only sink this low, then that is definitely an improvement. It has had the "desired" effect: lower libido and less of a sense of urgency and obsession to have sex with women I see when I'm out and about. I dreamed last night that I was a working as a dishwasher in a restaurant. On each tray of dishes I was putting in, I would hide my penis which had been cut off and into pieces. After the machine finished, I would discretly deposit the soggy remenants into the trash. I guess that my penis kept growing back, but I was worried if this regeneration would persist and if I was doing long-term damage.
     
  11. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    At the darkest moment, when I had visions of my body destroyed in various gruesome ways and I was fearlessly uncovering god as a sadistic monster. When I was vehmenently rejecting the very essence of life...I had a piece of music running through my head which my mind was improvising on. While had written earlier than I had given up on art, this did seem to be in opposition to the rest of the scene. I have heard the explanations from Evolutionary Psychology about the origins of art, but these seem very convoluted and would not bear such weight if not coming from people in a posisition of authority. It seemed like it had to be superfluous and not "functional". Why would my ancestors evolved a tendency to privately "hear" music when they are considering taking their genes out of the pool?
     
  12. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Was debating jumping from the trestle on Saturday. Went with the original Easter dinner plan instead. Not sure if it was the right decision. Major family conflict. I held my ground, but they tried to make me look the fool. Came home to drink and lie on the couch. Thought "I'm not sure if I like beer anymore", so I switched to just lying and staring at the ceiling between hysterics. Two Tinder matches after maxing out my right swipes every day for a week. I doubt that is normal. I had assumed that I was a 7 or and 8, but evidence seems to suggest a 3 at best.
     
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry to hear about the family conflict. That can be devastating. You acted very maturely by accepting the situation and feelings instead of trying to drink or fap them away!
     
  14. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm not sure about that, but I do appreciate the support. I'm on day 3 now, feeling like I might be able to try again.

    I've never experienced this kind of suffering before, nor have I known that it was possible. Personal annecdotes, books, movies, etc., nothing portrays this level of suffering. You would have to see and hear it to believe it. Considerably more intense that a scene in a movie where a parent is told that their child has died. Last night I was drifting off to sleep for quite a while with images of myself holding a gun to my head. I woke up a few hours later and had by far the worst experience of my life. I was afraid to go back to sleep after that. I dragged through the day and started crying and screaming as soon as I was driving away from the office. I had to pull over because I was loosing feeling in my body. If No PMO could prevent this, it would be well worth it.

    I guess that I just need to push myself to keep moving at this point, even if I am just going through the motions. I should feel some small level of relief if I can get organized and motivated again.
     
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  15. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I must have spent literally 80 percent of my waking hours crying today. This was with going to work, the grocery store, and the taco stand. I don"t that anybody noticed although I was neither trying to hide the crying nor trying to draw attention to it . Just looking straight ahead with tears coming down. When nobody was around I got back into the hysterical sobbing.

    I got to the end of Tinder. The app told me that there was nobody left. From that I got three matches, one with ongoing communication. It would take at least two hours travel by land and sea to get to her. This was mostly just based on a picture of my face with a big smile, which suggests that my looks are the main problem.
     
  16. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I needed to do something drastic to get out of the state I was in, so: I had a fair bit of hair on my head and a big beard. Yesterday I shaved one side of my head and the opposite side of the beard and went around like that all day. This did help me to feel a bit less trapped. Today I shaved off the other sides.

    I still cried in the middle of the night last night and driving home today, but I have been feeling OK for the last hour or so. This is by far the best that I have felt in months. I really feel like I am about to start getting my act together again, but I shouldn't get my hopes up too much. I'm on my second day without porn and I only drank one coffee so far today and no beer. I'm currently up and active. Baby steps.

    That was a month or so where I was watching porn regularly, but none of those sessions went longer than an hour. I watched some hardcore in these sesssions, but never for the majority of a session. I'm hoping that my theory of setting a new floor will prove true. It's the binges that really mess me up the most. Probably less harmful to have 10 controlled sesssions than one binge.
     
  17. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I had lost all faith in No PMO and everything else besides, but now I'm really feeling like I am ready to get back into it.

    Even if it's a fantasy that I have that much control over my life, it gives life meaning to have a powerful adversary. I can't prove it, but it is quite likely that now I could be well on my way to starting a family and having the kind of life I want if it wasn't for porn. In the end of the relationship, where she started pushing for commitment and I freaked out...This storm could have been weathered if I didn't have the illusion of a false alternative. If it wasn't for porn, I probably would have thought that I wanted to have sex with other women, but I would have been confronted with the reality of how difficult this would be and how the slim the odds of finding anybody "better" would be. Porn gave me this imaginary way out of making challenging, but worthwhile sacrifices and aknowledgements. It would be easier to bear if I had fallen for something that truely gave me the illusion of some garden of earthly delights. In my turning away from the responsibilities and rewards of the relationship, the most heartbreaking thing is the nature of the content that I accessed. How can I manage the realization that that was what I chose over love?

    There's no halfway on this road though. I can't be happy until I completely eliminate porn and compulsive masturbation. I have suffered terribly all my life and it was always the same crap. Very boring. Now I truely believe that the character of my suffering has changed, although I couldn't assign any quantititive value to the change. This is huge though, if I am really gappling with a new pathology, that is a very momentous change indeed.

    I'm getting off the couch and doing things again and getting back into some of the good habits that I picked up shortly after the breakup. I have to honor my ex by doing better. I'm getting into 3 or 4 day "streaks" rather than 1 or 2. I really feel like I'm poised to start a true streak. I have to accept the magnitude of the error that I made in watching so much porn. It's hard to not deny or minimize the problem. I have to face the fact that that was a seriously fucked up thing to do. Porn seems like it should be small and insignificant, or that the "appeal" could be exhausted, but I can never let my guard down. It's really embarassing that I would do something so stupid. Hard to admit to myself or anybody else.

    I'm trying to offer a daily prayer along the lines of "thank you for giving me this day in which to care for myself and do better". Jordan Peterson talks of "taking your cross willingly" as being the only viable option. I can't be one of those people who feels cheerfully entitled to act out their base instincts. It's a constant act of repentence and could not be any other way.
     
  18. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm really getting back on track now. One week no PMO. Attaining my goals with coffee (max one per day) and alcohol (1 or 2 days a week max). Getting outside and out of the house a lot more, doing more cooking, keeping my place clean and tidy, going to the gym every other day.

    Lately I just have two things that I say to myself. If I start feeling ashamed I say "Remember, you've served your sentence. You have atoned for your sins and you don't deserve any more punishment." If I feel porn cravings starting up I say "It's very important that you don't PMO".

    While a week is no great accomplishment, I would say that it is quite significant that this was in my behaviour and in my thoughts. I am so acutely aware of how porn took what (who) was most important to me that there is no appeal in alowing that runaway train to go on in my head. I have gained so much awareness of the way that porn is harming me and how counter it is to my values and hapiness, that even if I engage in the behavior, I'm not going to naively immerse myself in it. It's a one way street. That voice saying "this is absolute garbage" grows stronger.

    I had an online dating meeting today. During the meeting, I felt alright because the weather was good and I was just glad to have somebody to talk to. She overtly expressed a fair deal of interest. I got really bummed out driving home by how unnatractive I found her compared to my ex. She's 45 and has a 12 year old kid, so it's pretty casual and she is not likely to resent me if I "waste her time". I think that maybe I should try making out with her and see if I can get into it once I start. It's been 7 months now without any action and it seems like this might be the only way to move onto another stage of feeling attracted to other women and feeling that I am attractive....but I'm really not ethusiastic about this prospect. Maybe if I go another week with no PMO and no MO I will get horny enough for it.

    I was triggered by the great sadness over losing access to hot sex and everything else. I did have that old trigger in the back of my mind "You deserve an attractive woman, very attractive...it would be gay to not PMO. Be a man." This didn't go anwhere I knew that I couldn't PMO because that was the reason why I wasn't having hot sex in the first place. I would think at the start that it was all about seeing "real women", but it would probably devolve into looking at a lot of penises and content with homoerotic undertones. I quickly realized that PMO was out of the question. Then I flipped to cravings for alcohol, but I realized I couldn't do that either. I just went to the gym and practiced some piano. I'm in a very different frame of mind now. I've been through the most painful experience possible. Nothing worse could be thrown my way. There's no way to stop any additional suffering. I shouldn't assume that things will necessarily get any better. Just have to keep active and try to treat myself as well as possible.
     
  19. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm back in a sexual relationship now.

    I got up to 12 days no Porn last time, on day 5 now (sex was yesterday).
     
  20. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Felt like I was making some progress with the counsellor.
     

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