Shame-aholic

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Imfree, Oct 30, 2017.

  1. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    Relapsed today.

    There was literally nothing I could do besides PMO. I'm dead. I died a long time ago. Saturday long weekend afternoon and there is nobody on the planet who would choose to be in my company. I stumble around, take myself on "dates". Take myself to the coffee shop, to the museum, to the pub. It gets expensive. Eventually I don't want to spend any more money and I can't stand to be around all the happy families and lovers anymore, so I go home. It's November. Too cold to spend a lot of time outside. I would get a library book or even do non-PMO things on the Internet, but everything that culture has to offer either bores or depresses me. It is likely that if I didn't harass pseudo-"friends" with phone calls I would never socialize again. Nobody takes the initiative to contact me, ever. I really mean never. There is no point in me even having a phone. There will probably be nobody at my funeral besides family. I could sit and stare at the wall or I could PMO, those were the only options. I have tried everything, absolutely everything. I have absolutely no idea what could make another human being care that I exist. Often I feel like I don't exist. I think I might be dead in the most literal sense, that I might be a ghost.

    The PMO was the worst hell imaginable all the way through. I derived zero pleasure from it. I watched the most awful video of the most cold and clinical acts imaginable. It was stripped of any hint of humanity. The woman was not attractive, she was desperately trying to convince herself that she was somewhere else. The men who were supposed to be abusing her weren't even feeling the sadism. Just a bunch of robots doing these things for no reason whatsoever. I was the same way. I couldn't wait for the video to end, but it kept going on and I couldn't stop watching it. Then I went to softcore and immediately thought "what the hell was I watching, this is so much better". That only lasted for 10 seconds or so though, then the softcore brought on a deep sadness, which I suppose is better than being dead, but was really hard to take at the time. Physically my body acted as if it was aroused, but I felt like absolute shit on every level and it wasn't because I was holding back and being of two minds about the thing. Even if I could convince myself that it was totally acceptable to PMO, there is nothing left in it that I could derive pleasure from.

    I had a shower when I was done and cried. Afterwards I forced myself to go to the store because I was out of dental floss. I was crying more and letting out hysterical screaming noises at that point, going into one of my psychotic breaks. I couldn't go home because I risked doing something that would get me evicted. I parked by the beach and thought of swimming out further and further and letting the ocean have it's way with me. Then I thought I didn't really want to die in such an uncomfortable manner. I thought of who I could reach out to, but there is nobody. Telling anybody half of what I experience would result in me being forcibly "medicated". I certainly don't want a long-term chemical lobotomy which I didn't choose, but I went for the short-term version (drank a beer).

    I'm really in a tough spot now because I would have to use deception to bring anybody into my life. I would have to not let on that I don't have any friends, but they would find out eventually and stop seeing me because they would think that there would be something wrong with them for associating with me. I entirely lost my sense of humor decades ago. I can't pull off any kind of social interaction in a normal way. People don't enjoy being around me. Either I make them uncomfortable or I am seen as something like a piece of furniture. When I was in high school somebody said that I was like the little fishes that attach to the side of a shark.
     
  2. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    There is something very seriously wrong with me and I can't imagine there being anything which could be done about it.
     
  3. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    Today is better.

    I'm going to do one short (timed) planned relapse to softcore today, then I feel like I will easily get another streak going. The planned relapse is far from ideal, but I need to masturbate to some smiling, attractive women to bury that awful junk I saw yesterday.
     
  4. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    I had a good streak going there and then it was surprising how far I had slid in 6 days. I had 4 relapses there, two which were quite significant in terms of duration and content. I did do fairly well at avoiding obsessing about the relapses and what I had seen (both in the sense of worrying about the consequences and having strong cravings between the relapses). I did maintain the ability to stop any major extended porn fantasizing during times when I was not actually engaged in the act. So if I can get another streak going, I think that I still have some momentum from the last one.

    I struggle with more significant psychological problems than the average person would admit. I have the typical depression and whatnot, but I also have occasional mild psychotic episodes. These only happen several times a year at most, I am able to still rationally entertain various interpretations, and they only come after consuming alcohol or cannabis.

    So, on Friday I had a plan for an event to attend solo (having nobody who I could find to go with me). I smoked a joint before. The event fell through and I rushed home to relapse. I started out at full escalation. I was watching a compilation. At the start of the video a message flashed on the screen about who made the original music. It was some industrial electronic kind of thing. There may have been a voice in there with a lot of effects on it, but probably just electronically generated sounds. What I heard in my state of loneliness, depression, and intoxication was the repeated message "Rot Brain Rot Brain Rot Brain Rot Brain WARNING WARNING WARNING". At the end of the session I ate my own semen and continued compulsively stroking after ejaculating and losing my erection. At that point I heard some voices outside. A female voice, then a male voice. I ignored it at first but then pulled my headphones off when I heard a very loud statement saying "stop masturbating", "we saw the whole thing" or something along those lines. I had a strong sense that I had been seen or heard. It was so loud and immediate that it seemed like somebody was in the room with me. Logically I could not create a theory as to how anybody would have seen or heard me. I'm sure that there were real voices. Either some drunk guy out on the street talking at a near yell, or more likely the neighbour who's window is in the same corner of the building as me opening the window to talk to somebody outside. A while ago I had another confusing perceptual experience as I was relapsing to a softcore compilation and I could swear the main lyrics to the song were "this is something you might regret". In this case I probably did hear correctly, but the extreme significance was added by me and the creator of the video only chose the song for the way it sounded, not the lyrics. In the other case, I suppose that it is possible that I heard correctly. Some hardcore videos will be pretty up front saying that it is "poison", as this is suppose to give you more of a dopamine rush.
     
  5. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    I might have gotten too weird and emotionally volatile here to have people reading, but I think that this exercise is of some utility to me. Hopefully this can be a record to refer back to and track progress.

    I'm back on the wagon now, 5 days of complete celibacy. After the first couple days coming out of that slump, I had a dramatic dream where I stomped on snarling dogs and shot out of a pipe from a dungeon to an expansive vista of indescribable beauty. In my dream I was crying tears of joy. Now I can easily decode this kind of dream, but they were happening for most of my life before that while I couldn't understand them at all. All of my dreams are about No PMO and No MO. These goals are synonymous with spiritual development. If I'm on an even keel, my dreams are much less memorable and intense. If I get into a relapse cycle or a streak I get a very clear message appraising my devolution or evolution.

    Say, it can be reasonably assumed that I have 20 years out of my life which are the main years of opportunity to get into a relationship and father children. 365*20 = 7,300days. Every relapse will take me out of commission for developing human relationships for at least 3 days. 7,300 \3 = 2,433. So, after every relapse I will experience 1/2,400 of the pain of having a wife and child die in a horrific accident. Actually the original parameters are probably way over-conservative in a number of ways. Plus, the process is non-linear as each failure is considerably worse than the last. All I know is that a Friday night PMOing used to seem like not too big of a deal, but now each relapse leaves me wailing with grief as if somebody had actually died. I can't bear the thought of potential missed opportunities. That if something good came along at that moment I wouldn't be able to respond appropriately.

    To a large extent, I have to save myself before anybody can save me, but this cannot be complete. I can take the first steps to lay a foundation, but at some point somebody has to come along to save me and pull me up that last little bit. If that doesn't happen soon enough I will relapse and then I need to slowly work back to the same place to see if things come together the next time. I have to become my own father, friend, and lover before somebody can see my good intentions and fully manifest this potential.
     
  6. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    I had some messages going with a very attractive woman on online dating, but now it has been 5 days since her last response. She responded in less than 24 hours the other times. I had enough communication going that I was waiting for one more response before suggesting a meetup. If I don't hear anything within a week from my last message, I'll try writing something complimentary (about other traits than looks) and saying that I was hoping to hear from her to suggest a meetup.

    I made it 6 days without MO or PMO, but I relapsed last night. The session went for 3 hours, but it was (relatively, mostly) softcore, so I felt alright about that aspect after finishing (not nearly as bad as watching hardcore).

    I'm having some more interaction with colleagues at work, although still not approaching a normal level and not extending to activities outside of work (besides feeling awkward about asking somebody to help me move when there was nobody else who could). I did notice a couple times that I was laughing (usually only happens once or twice a year).

    Overall, things are looking extremely bleak. I don't really care about much of anything anymore. The environment? Let it burn. Politics? I could not care less. International relations? War with North Korea would be interesting. I'm just trying to find somebody who I can meet for coffee. It doesn't seem like that much to ask. I'm stuck in traffic, thinking of how many cars I can see, how many people, then all the billions, but I don't have an ongoing connection with a single one of them. In a theoretical sense, this deeply troubles me, but when I start looking around to see who I would actually be friends with if I had the choice, they all look like mindless, generic drones. Once or twice a week I'll get a voicemail, but it is always just the government asking me for money, telemarketing, etc. It's Friday night again and it is improbable that I will meet anybody, even if I attempt to communicate with several people through various channels. I've been feeling like ending it. I used to take various drugs to keep me trudging on, but legal and seasonal factors have restricted my access.

    I am wondering if it is just me that feels this progressive decline towards meaningless, hopelessness, and absolute futility in all things. I can't really tell if other people are somewhere close to being happy or if the Internet is sucking our will to live and turning us into zombies. I fought many battles and won, but there was no reward. The only "reward" for risking my life and pushing myself to the verge of mental and physical collapse for decades is a little space where nobody will bother me and relative physical comfort. I'm no longer terrified, cold, hungry, angry, and tired all the time, but I have only gained "freedom from", not "freedom to". I am told that I am among the most fortunate on the planet. I generally don't experience overt harassment, physical indimidation, and deprevation of the essentials for survival (though lack of physical contact can eventual kill). I inhabit a location and class where people generally leave me alone, but that is the problem, they completely leave me alone and there is no reward or punishment for anything I do. People seem to get really worked up these days about things like gender politics and a perceived slide towards fascism, but I just see the world with complete equinamity and indifference. I won the battle, then questioned weather it actually happened and whether there was anything that could possibly be gained.

    Life offers absolutely nothing, even to the "winners". I have nobody, but I wanted so much out of life. I could get more involved in fake "friends" (Meetup and various losers) or go through a huge effort to get involved with another "3" with online dating (causing much psychological damage in the process). When I was younger I never would have thought that I was the bottom of the barrel (as many sources of evidence confirm). I thought that I was at least better than average. What is the point of dating an unattractive woman and of working extremely hard to have fake, cold, and empty conversations with people that I have nothing in common with? I go to the same places a lot, so sometimes people recognize me, but it never leads to more than a couple passing words. All the people who I really respected and cared about have betrayed me.
     
  7. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    I live in a super shitty, depressing climate, to the point where I have no affection for the country that I live in. I had escaped for a short time, but came back for practical (work related) reasons. The weather is one of the main reasons why there is little community here. I'm only living a quarter of my life. The rest of the time I'm waiting until I can enjoy outdoor activities again. I'm starting to think again that I should escape somewhere sunny. It would probably be more frightening and lonely, but at least nature would be my companion. Now nature and society are both against me. All I have is this fucking screen, which I loathe. That and spending too much money on restaurant meals (table for one, of course). I can read a book, which bores me. Listen to the same old music, which has lost its' lustre. Sleeping is the only activity which I am really enjoying at this point. I often hope that I won't wake up. I can sleep for 14 hours at a stretch, but I can't put myself into a true coma.
     
  8. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    TRIGGERS BELOW

    I did write back the beautiful woman from online dating after a week and got a response saying that she tried to reply, but the message didn't get through. I suggested a meeting with her this week. I also got some responses from another couple women who seemed nice. My mood is pretty much entirely influenced by the weather and by my perceived prospects with women. So, this makes me feel dandy at the moment.

    I have gotten into the habit of staying off the Internet all day on Saturdays and I was off yesterday too. This is a great way to kick start recovery. I feel like there are various healthy lifestyles choices which are fairly interchangeable, meaning that if you have (relatively) minor slip-ups with PMO, you can compensate in other areas (meditation/mindfulness, diet, exercise, challenging yourself, etc.) I don't know if complete abstinence is realistic for me at the moment, although I could be doing a lot worse with all the emotional challenges I have been dealing with and all the unstructured time that I have (with frequent, private Internet access). I succeeded in my moderation target last time and definitely think that this is good from a harm reduction perspective. While this might count as a binge for other people, who are less intense, for me I think that I would be basically fine if I could keep this routine up:

    -PMO no more than once every three days
    -(Timed) duration of 1 hour, max
    -"Softcore". My definition of this may be "hardcore" by others' standards:
    -30 minutes solo women with large natural breasts/ bbw (start with pictures, then video)
    -20 minutes boy/girl videos (occasional mmf is ok).
    -10 minutes cumshots, big dick/ blowjob (no gangbangs, bukkake, or other genres which I won't mention here)
    -1-3 orgasms (as opposed to trying to coax out the sensation of orgasm countless times for 30 minutes straight, which leads to pain and soreness the next day)

    Doing this on Sunday and otherwise living a very healthy and well-balanced lifestyle left me feeling no real hangover the next day and fully functional the day after that. I was mostly looking at beautiful women, so the flashbacks I got didn't make me feel bad, like they would have if I was remembering something awful and traumatic. I am trying to take the approach of "moderate pmo if I feel I must. Afterwards, forget about it and move on." While it is not really a "technique" per se, nor something that can be "learned" other than through gradual improvements and self-examination, when the cravings, flashbacks, and shame come up I just catch myself right way and say "Just don't. Let it go. Stop. Wait a few seconds and it will go away. I REFUSE. I won't go there. I don't want to deal with that bullshit now, etc." Get out of rationalizing and analyzing and just assert my desire to be free in this moment.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2017
  9. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    Some things are happening with online dating, although the final outcome remains to be seen.

    I'm successfully moderating for the time being. I'm liking the schedule and time limit. I am only allocating a certain amount of time for indulging or resisting and avoiding the most harmful consequences. For the past month I can say that at no time did I allow porn to overtake my will. Accessing a limited amount of porn in a thoughtful and well-planned manner is quite enjoyable and relaxing.

    I'm not saying that it is desirable, just that I feel like I have conquered some aspect of it by defining boundaries (limits in what and how much I will watch and limits in how much time I will invest in cravings or self-criticism).

    I did see something quite troubling the other day. It was what I was expecting would be just a normal video of sex between one woman and one man produced by a very mainstream website. There was nothing about rape in the title, but that's exactly what it was.

    The "plot":
    Woman: "What the hell are you doing in my hotel room!?"
    Man: "The door was unlocked. From the way you were dressed, I assumed that you wanted to get fucked."
    Woman: (Stated in the most clear and assertive manner possible) "Absolutely not! Get the hell out of here!"
    [Man forcefully and suddenly pushes the woman over onto the bed and has sex with her.]
    [The woman is depicted as instantly switching over to enjoying the sex once the man starts raping her.]
    Once the act is done, the woman has grown attached to the man and asks if he wants to snuggle, to which he replies "What the fuck! Hell no!"

    I had trouble forgetting about this (short) scene when I was done. When I clicked on the video I was very aroused by how attractive the woman was and ignored the dialogue, but then afterwards I was thinking of how this (the lead up) fits exactly with what a woman would envision as a stereotypical rape scenario. I thought that I didn't like the rape and that I was only aroused by how the woman looked, but then I was not sure if I didn't subconsciously enjoy that aspect of it.

    I have done well at avoiding intentionally accessing anything disturbing (or at least limiting slightly troubling content to a planned 15 minutes), but there is still some trauma that occurs by what pops up in the "recommended" videos (eg., graphic depictions of women who's anuses have been damaged by the industry)
     
  10. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    I think I have achieved victory. I was sticking to a plan for moderate PMO for a little while, mostly just because I was worn out with extreme binges and purges. I am really into the woman I have been dating for about a month and a half. I certainly have no desire to PMO now, although I do get intrusive flashbacks now and then, which I push away as quickly as I can. Not only have I been avoiding PMO, but I am nearly 100% out of the habit of using the Internet for "entertainment" in general. I work 40hrs a week on a computer. I have to turn on the computer at home for a few minutes to get an address and things like that now and then. I check my email and Facebook as quickly as possible once every 3 or 4 days. I mostly find the Internet to be incredibly annoying now and would literally rather clean my bathroom than "surf the net". I have been keeping "screen-free Saturday" going most weeks. After being off the Internet for a day I get the most incredible natural high. I can't even describe it. You're only doing yourself a favor by staying off.
     
  11. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    I was just approaching the one-year anniversary with the woman I was dating. She wanted a commitment and I freaked out. I thought that I could do better in terms of loooks, but now I realize that there aren't many other options available, the sex was good, and her personality couldn't be better. I can't tell if I allowed the relationship to end for the right reasons because I had gotten into some PMO in the last month of the relationship (she lives out of town so I was only able to see her once or twice a week). Before that I had only PMOed when she was travelling (two times). I was already at the point where I wasn't sure if she would respond to communication from me, but I texted her that porn skewed my perceptions of the relationship 3 days ago and I haven't gotten a reply yet. I'm quite serious about going on a year-long streak now, just over a month in at this point.
     
  12. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    Still no response from her and I'm feeling worse and worse about my decision?/lack of decision which stopped the relationship from moving to the next stage. I'm into heavy duty depression now, like I had 1995-2005 (borderline suicidal). I don't have much in the way of reliable friends now and I am much better off without the "friends" that do want to hang out with me. I'm on day 50 no pmo, although I have had touble going more than a couple days masturbating without porn. I'm starting to get more cravings, but I am pretty sure that I will make a new record even if I don't make the full year. I am quite scared of success with no PMO, because if this doesn't lead to changes which make people respond better to me, I have no idea what would. My "friend" told me on the weekend that I have a "dark energy" that makes him not want to be around me even when I'm trying my best to fit in.
     
  13. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    We pay a lot of lip service to "tolerance" in our society, but people will tell you to fuck off if you don't have a phoney grin all the time. (I wasn't frowning, just a neutral expression in a contrived festive enviroment.)
     
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Hey man, I read your journal so far and I am sorry that you have to go through all this. But I am also happy to see that there is something inside you that feels that you deserve better and is willing to fight for it.

    Quitting porn is definitely a great start to improve your situation, but also don't expect that this will change everything. Although porn may be the cause of some problems, it is the symptom of most.

    Would it be possible to get therapy for your depression? I think I understood that you don't want medication, but that is your choice. You are the client and you can decide. I think you would definitely benefit from talking to someone. I did.

    You should not accept these thibgs from your 'friends'. They are indeed not friends. You can get better. I think you're a really interesting person and maybe you just need friends that have more depth. How is the bond with your family?

    One last thing, I can certainly recommend to write down your lifes goals. Focusing on the positive. Did you read @TheUnderdog s 'extremely long post'? If not, it is definitely worth it.

    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
  15. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    Thanks for reading.

    I am actually looking into setting up some counselling appointments, but encountering some inner resistance to getting set up (imagining it as a complicated task). I am going to a men's group tomorrow.

    I am pretty close with my family. I'm sorry to say, but sometimes I wish I was less close with them...like it is embarassing to be spending time with them and it would be better to have more friends who see me entirely by choice and not because there is some unavoidable association.

    I read the Underdog's post years ago when I joined the forum, but I re-read it just now based on your suggestion. I am feeling the emptyness phase right now.

    I always have really intense dreams about No PMO and other personal challenges.

    Last night I had a dream that I was with two women, one a composite of some women I know and the other a stranger. The stranger was very attractive and overly sexual, but I had mixed feelings about her. She was watching really extreme porn and I wanted to watch it to in a way and thought that it was hot that she was watching it, but at the same time I had a really bad feeling about it. I knew it was what I would have thought of what was on screen before as really "good" stuff, but I didn't look at it for a second, partly in sympathy for the other woman, who was looking away. I said that it was "disgusting" and that was why I wasn't watching and for the first time in my life, that is actually how I felt. Then the screen was turned off and the strange woman said "That made me horny. Want to have sex?" I said yes and did the deed, thinking nothing of it. I saw the other woman later and she wanted to have nothing to do with me any more. She said "do you know what that other woman is really like. She's into more fucked up stuff than that. She watches videos of babies being killed."

    This was obviously about my relationship ending and losing an opportunity to have children. I find the dreams to be helpful and to deliver clear messages, but I can't begin to describe how dark, intense, and creepy they are. I'm certain that nobody else has dreams like this or I would definitely hear about it.

    The night before it was about being locked in a bathroom with a toilet overflowing more and more with shit and puke and trying to recover my clothes before they were washed down a drain in the floor. Then wondering who I could ask to help me get cleaned up. The message here was that I hadn't dealt with "my shit" so now there was a backlog and it made me such a mess than people wouldn't forgive me for the helpless and exposed state I was in.
     
  16. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Looking forward to hear about the men's group meeting. You're definitely not the only one which such dreams. It's just not the typical thing to share at the coffee table I guess ;-). I hope you don't mind me coming with alternative explanations. I think it's interesting and the second dream is one that I have had multiple times myself. For the first dream I have the feeling that it also has to do with accepting your shadow side. You have the feeling that there's something very wrong and dark inside you. Something that 'normal' people don't have and not supposed to know from you. Something that will stand in between you an intimate relationship in which you can show your deepest self. But you have to keep in mind that everybody has such a dark side and the things that you have watched don't make you less human. I think that the toilet dream stands for the overwhelming amount of accumulated emotions and troubles that you want/need to deal with. Maybe instead of people not being forgiving, it stands for the importance to ask others for help instead of trying to do it all by yourself.

    Too much contact can be suffocating. It can sometimes be quite difficult to be yourself or develop yourself when you constantly are around the people that see you in a certain way. People tend to want things like they are and don't like people around them to change too much. I don't know if that makes sense or applies to you. On the other hand it is also a blessing to have people who love you close. It is all a matter of finding the right balance I guess.
     
  17. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    There is probably something to the interpretations that you describe above.

    If I'm going through a tough time, my mom worries a lot and it winds up being maybe not the best situation for either of us, so I don't tell her much about my problems these days. She said that she thought that I was angry with her the other day. There was a small element of truth to this because I was feeling depressed and was wanting to back out of plans with her so I didn't have to act like I was feeling a certain way.

    The men's group could be good. It's hard to say how useful it will be from the one meeting. If nothing else it will get me out of the house and help with my conversational skills. I am working on scheduling the first session in this round of counselling.

    Yesterday I had to own up to a stupid mistake at work which could have led to some real problems for the company. This was a massive trigger for me, but I saw it as a worthwhile challenge to ride out cravings in the most difficult of pschological conditions. The cravings got very intense and I felt a really terrible sinking feeling in the evening. Last night I dreampt that I was accompanying slave labourers who were working in a mine, going deeper down into massive undergound chambers. Earlier in the dream there were armed guards on towers forcing the slaves into the mines. I shouted up at one of them "how do you live with yourself, being so obviously in support of the worst kind of tyrany!" I imagined that the slaves had never resisted before. The guard started saying something to justify his position to us and himself, but I turned my back on him before he could finish saying "we don't have to listen to your excuses". When I woke up from that one I thought that this was like a stereotypical vision of hell, but it didn't seem silly to me at the time at all. Still half-asleep I thought "I grew up to believe that this was just some bullshit to scare people, but it is very real".

    Later in the night I had so many (progressively less troubling) dreams that it seemed like an infinite amount of time had passed. Some financial issues came up today which were another potential trigger, but this was the first day in several months when I started to feel OK. Not happy, not numb, not in agony, just some very subtle spark of humanity which had returned. While PMOing, the major emotions are still all there to a certain degree, but the subtle, undefinable feelings get washed out. Little flashes, like the quality of light at dusk causing something not quite like excitement, not quite like comfort, but beyond the drudgery of daily battles.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  18. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    I've abstained from the masturbation without porn for four days or so. I'm on day 55 with no porn. Now my libido is getting ramped up again. I'm starting to feel some of the real benefits now, but also getting unpleasantly urgent cravings for sex or porn. The masturbation without porn is quickly found to be pointless. It does temporarily reduce cravings afterwards, but I get no enjoyment out of it while I'm doing it. This is the hard part when I start thinking that nobody will know if I relapse and nobody else really cares either way. Hitting the wall here, brain is trying to make a deal "just a peek for a minute/ you can't be saying that I can never have a peek/ good job on the streak, now you deserve a reward, etc."
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018 at 8:11 PM
  19. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    The addict is starting to panic now. I was reading a free/alternative newspaper yesterday and there were a couple ads in there which were not intended to be pornographic, but featured attractive, fully clothed women. I was staring at those like they were porn.

    I truely believe that porn addiction is harder to beat than drug/alcohol addiction in a number of ways. With either type of addiction, moderation is not a very realistic goal, really either abstinence or binges. Say in theory I was able to just have one pmo session a month or so. An alcoholic could drink at home once a month and not have any long term consequences if it could be kept at that level. The problem with pmo is that the negative aftereffects are so much more prolonged. Other addictions affect the context of your experiences, but not the content. They colour experiences that you would be having anyway, affecting your emotions and perceptions, but not what there is to perceive. Porn is an alternate reality. One porn session could have an impact on how you see sex and all human relationships for months or years.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018 at 8:20 PM
  20. Imfree

    Imfree Member

    Goddam Internet. Facebook giving ads for "dating" (porn). Unrealistically beautiful women in tight clothing. Getting off the computer now. This only intensified cravings, as expected, but I suppose that I was hoping it might open up social opportunities. I have somewhere to go now, just need to drag myself out of the house and I will have made it through this round of cravings.
     

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