I have posted a lot in the "pornography addiction" section and a few one-offs in the journal section, but I think that the only healthy use for the forum for me these days would be regular updates to a continuous thread here. I've been all over the map lately, going through phases of successful moderation, then semi-respectable streaks, then extreme binges (8 hours!). I'm at a good spot now. My greatest trigger is the sense that porn was unavailable for a while, and then suddenly became available. In these situations, I feel like I have to stock up. Counterintuitively, my greatest opportunities are times when I have theoretically unrestricted access. I just got into my own apartment and got the Internet hooked up. Within hours I was going to the most extreme genres, but my heart wasn't in the session. Several days later, I went out on the town and experienced extreme interest from a woman. After that, I felt like everything that came before was hell and I kept telling myself "I'm never going back to hell". Now I'm on 14 days no fap, no porn, intending to keep myself pure in hopes (quite likely) of seeing her again and having some physical contact before she goes traveling. I have been meditating nightly, with a focus on romantic involvement with this woman. My only contact with her at the moment is through intermediaries. Sometimes I feel like I am on the cusp of a major transformation, other times I feel like my shame and isolation are progressive conditions. I am ashamed of my failures, of who I am, of my successes, of absolutely everything. I am around people during the day, working in an office environment. Once every 2-3 months or so I have a satisfactory social outing with people I like. The rest of the time I hang out with people who depress me or I go through (very uncommon) periods of isolation (ie., several weeks with no social interaction outside of customer service, where I won't look at the service provider). Today I had a boner, and possibly pre-cum driving home. I had a shower after walking in the door, thinking that something auto-erotic might happen. I thought that I was on the edge of relapse. I stood naked in front of the mirror for a few minutes, but I held to my intention of not forcing anything and made it through the danger zone. After that moment, I the best I can do is to drink two beers and engage in pseudo-social online activity (checking Facebook, Meetup, POF). This is honestly the best I have been able to do so far this evening and I feel like anything that doesn't involve touching myself is a major success. After my last relapse, I kept repeating words and images from "Where the Wild Things Are" to myself, and I have taken great solace in this. In my last relapse, this connection started as the line "he went to bed without his supper" was reverberating in my head. I was indeed so compelled to rush to rock bottom, that all other considerations, like feeding myself where abandoned. Furthermore, in my dreams eating symbolizes where I direct my libido. For example, I dreampt that I ate my own hand after a binge. This ties into the symbolism of bread in the bible and the lord's prayer (which is also with me these days). I take "bread" as meaning "that which truly sustains me". Tonight I am again without my supper, as I was paralyzed, but it's not too late. The line "it was still warm" hints at the possibility of redemption. I'm getting teary writing this, so I think that I'll make it another night. Some days are easy. Last night and today were really hard.